How to let go of the situation and not think about it? How to let go of the situation: practical recommendations and advice from a psychologist.

Events occur in the life of all people, some of which are then remembered for years and unpleasantly disturbing. Why is the bad easy to remember, but the good can be forgotten? Here everything is attributed to the properties of memory, which keeps the situation that a person wants to let go of.

The desire to let go of the situation arises only when what a person remembers is unpleasant, painful, offensive to him. The Internet magazine site understands how difficult it is for a person who, willy-nilly, recalls an unpleasant past. Since this can affect his mood, well-being and even his performance, which decreases, you should figure out how to let go of an unpleasant event.

How to let go of the situation?

To let go of a situation, you need to understand why it is stuck in your head. Memory doesn't just scroll through certain memories. Note that the event you wish to let go of triggers for you. Negative vivid emotions make you remember what happened. If these emotions were not there, then the situation would be forgotten by itself.

You should understand the reasons why you have emotions about the situation that you want to forget:

Why are you offended?
What makes you angry?
What do you disagree with?
What annoys you?

There is a certain element in the situation that causes strong emotional experiences in a person. This element is important, dominant in the whole event. It is impossible to forget what matters to a person. Thus, it is necessary to identify this element and deprive it of its significance for oneself:

That which offended should not offend now.
What caused the anger should now be indifferent to you.
What you disagreed with shouldn't matter now.
What annoyed you no longer concerns you.

In other words, devalue the things that are causing you unpleasant strong experiences. Then the situation itself will become the past, to which you will no longer pay attention.

In other ways, how to let go of the situation, psychologists call:

Goal setting. As long as you lie on your bed and grieve, nothing changes in your life. Your real life gradually becomes that future when you remember the past. If you do not occupy yourself with anything, do not carry away, do not interest, then you fill your time with unpleasant memories.
Getting new emotions and impressions. When people talk about distraction, people get it wrong. You will not be able to force yourself to be distracted (you probably tried it yourself and now you know). You can only induce your brain to be distracted by saturating it with new events. Maintain an active image, meet new people, get carried away with something, achieve new, travel, visit new places, etc. All this will saturate your brain with new events that will evoke new emotions in you. They will cover those experiences from which you wanted to get rid of. You don't have to let go of anything, everything will pass by itself and remain in the past.

Only a person decides what to spend his time on. If you do nothing, then nothing will happen. The person will still suffer as he did before. Therefore, without making an effort, nothing will be achieved.

How to let go of a situation - psychology

The situation is sometimes impossible to let go for the reason that it needs to be resolved. For example, you had a fight with a loved one or you were fired from your job. You cannot help but think about what happened. Here you just have to solve the problem. However, difficulties are encountered at every step.

While the problem was developing, people got into a row or the person left his former place of work, he managed to quarrel with everyone, utter a lot of unpleasant words and hear a lot of hard-hitting phrases addressed to him. The words and deeds performed on emotions that arose because of the problem that arose became significant. And the problem itself faded into the background.

A person can no longer let go of the situation, because he remembers how he was insulted, offended, not respected. And the problem itself, with which it all began, remains somewhere in the background. Psychologists advise giving yourself a couple of days to calm down your emotions, and then move on to solving the problem, and not remember what happened after it arose.

Of course, what happened because of the problem is unpleasant. However, if you do not solve the problem itself, then the situation will be difficult to let go. The more you think about what happened, the more you will get angry, aggressive, indignant. After all, you will remember what people said to you and what you did to them in response. You will not think about the problem while emotions are raging in you. That is why you first need to calm down, relax, and then ponder not the conflict situation, but the problem on the basis of which the conflict developed.

Here it is proposed to look at the problem from the outside. It happened not to you, but to another person. If this were the case, what advice would you give to another person with whom this problem occurred? Start by solving the problem and then move on to the next one:

Forgive yourself and your opponent for those words and actions that were committed under the influence of emotions. Everyone wanted to defend their innocence and defend themselves when all forces were not directed at solving the problem.
Understand the behavior and words of another person, becoming in his place. If you were in the place of your “enemy,” how would you behave? More often than not, people behave the same way. Thus, your opponent did the same as you would behave in his place.
Devalue your principles. If you want to make peace with someone, ask for forgiveness or resolve the situation in other ways, you will have to give up your pride, beliefs and principles that "other people owe you." You need to solve the problem, not other people. This means that you need to give in, look for compromises, act, etc.

How to let go of a person and a situation from thoughts and hearts?

Quite often, people cannot forget their loved ones, who left them, betrayed or left them. It upsets not only the departure of another person, but also how it was done. Often, breaks in relationships occur due to betrayal, the appearance of third parties, the influence of relatives, the fading of feelings, deception, betrayal, etc. In other words, it becomes difficult to let go of a person and the situation from the heart and thoughts if all this causes strong feelings and emotions.

What does it mean to let go of another person? It means to accept the fact of his absence in your life, stop thinking about him, include in your plans, remember him, take into account his opinion, even be interested in what he might think in a given situation. For example, you previously purchased food with another person, advising on what to buy. Now you need to realize that this person is not around, you are buying groceries alone. Now your opinion becomes the main one when deciding what to buy. It doesn't matter what the other person would say about it.

It is quite difficult for women to let people go. If a man leaves the relationship, then the woman can worry about this for a long time. Will not be here effective advice"Forget and don't think." Usually a woman needs to make an effort for a long time to forget her beloved man. How to do it?

Look at a man with a sober look. Take off your rose-colored glasses and realize that you are dating someone who has flaws. He's not as perfect as he seems. He may even have more flaws than your neighbor or good friend... Take a sober and realistic look at the man you were dating. Look at him with a cold look, as if you never loved him.
Evaluate the relationship you were in with this man. Surely they were imperfect, otherwise they would not have disintegrated. They just seemed strong to you, if you are perplexed why the man left. If you really analyze what kind of relationship you had with a man, you will understand that they could not exist forever.
Remove all things that remind you of the past. If you are looking at something that brings up unpleasant memories, it should be removed.
Stop blaming, blaming, or resenting someone. If you are offended by a man, then hold on to him. Stop feeling anything at all for the former gentleman, forgive him for everything, let him live the way he wants.
Meet new people. Get yourself involved in a new job. Find a new hobby. All this will help you saturate yourself with new emotions and impressions.
Respect yourself. If they do not want to be with you, then this is another person's problem. Do not run after anyone and do not persuade anyone. If people want to be with you, then let them come and offer you something.
Build a future without your ex. Dream, plan, fantasize so that your future is happy and there is no ex-boyfriend in it. Moreover, believe that your future will be just like that. You will be happy without your ex, so start putting in the effort.

Sometimes the memory starts to evoke good memories. How good was it with ex-man on such and such a day and under such circumstances. You are happy to remember the good, and then return to the present, where this man is no longer there. Don't make the mistake of thinking that this man was the only one who could make you happy. You have had pleasant moments with all men, not only this one. This suggests that they all tried. And when they stopped trying, then the relationship deteriorated.

Thank your ex for the nice things they did for you, and believe that your future will be filled with no less good events, but with other men.

Women are also encouraged to do the transformation of their appearance. Get in shape, create a new image, take on a wardrobe change. When you see in the mirror beautiful woman, then you will stop thinking about an ungrateful man, because you will understand that you deserve the best.

How to let go of the relationship?

Whether you broke up or just something unpleasant happened between you, the situation in the relationship can excite for a long time and cause unpleasant emotions. You won't be able to let go while you worry. Therefore, we propose the following ways to let go of the situation in the past:

Accept what happened. You cannot change the past, no matter how painful it may be. Accept what happened and direct your forces to further development events.
Solve the situation. Here it is necessary to understand the reasons due to which the trouble occurred, and then either eliminate them, or never repeat the mistakes again.
Allow yourself to be happy. Whatever happens to you is now a thing of the past. Fill your present with happiness. Allow yourself and make an effort.
Don't cling to the person. If he wants to leave, let go. If he does something, let him make mistakes. Just don't take responsibility for what other people do. You are only responsible for what you do yourself.
Let the situation take its course. Sometimes not everything is subject to your powers. If you cannot solve the situation, then let him develop as he sees fit.

Letting go of the situation can be a difficult period, since people focus on the feelings, on the actions and words of others, which they cling to and continue to be offended further. As a result, it forces you to waste time on something that has long passed. Here you just need to speak out and realize that the situation is in the past. If friends or family cannot speak out, then you can turn to a psychologist.

You have been trying to figure out the problem for a long time. In vain, look for a way out of a difficult situation, try to make at least some kind of decision. If you share this with your friend, what is the most likely answer? The most common advice in this case is just let go! But what does this mean? How to let go of the situation and not think about it if you can't stop doing just that for months? It is not so easy as it might seem from the outside.

What situations in question? For example, you have been without a relationship for a long time, and you cannot find yourself a partner in any way. Or vice versa, you broke up, but you just can't leave the relationship in the past. Can't find Good work... To restore a good relationship after a quarrel, although they tried to do it many times. In general, any situation that lasts long enough makes you feel tired of it, does not allow you to sleep at night. But it cannot be resolved.

Why it happens?

How do such situations arise? It is clear after all that if you do not sleep at night, constantly think about what happened, the advice to “let go” does not make sense. This means that the problem is of such great importance to you that you cannot simply stop thinking about it.

First of all, you need to deal with the meaning that it contains for you. And to lower the significance of this meaning, or even to neutralize it. Then a solution to the issue will surely be found.

You get stuck on one or more levels. At the level of thinking about the situation, looking for a solution. At the level of feelings that you have experienced or are worried about this. And on a subconscious level. That is, at the level of those feelings that you forbid yourself to realize and live, for a number of reasons. You deny them, drive them into the depths of your subconscious.

But they don't disappear anywhere. This is how the human psyche works. They affect you - your mood, your decisions and actions. Remaining, let me remind you, out of the "line of sight". A huge number of people do this with resentment, anger, aggression. They learn, not live them.

As a result, you think you have forgiven the person who betrayed you. But in fact, the resentment continues to gnaw you from the inside. You fall back on thoughts of the traitor over and over again, not understanding why this is happening. Because you are still offended. Because, in order to fully forgive and move on, you need to go through this resentment.

And you may have a lot of such pitfalls lying at the very bottom. Some of them have been living in you for a very long time, from early childhood. Someone is offended by their mother, disliked. Someone has not experienced and cannot in any way survive the loss, the death of a loved one.

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If you think that this has nothing to do with what is happening in your life today, you are mistaken. Affects, and the mechanism of this influence is described just above. Dealing with such ancient problems is difficult, and you need to be able to find them. If you feel that you cannot figure it out in any way - find a good psychologist, he has the knowledge and techniques to work with problems of this kind.

What prevents us from letting go of the situation?

You have recognized the root of the problem. And they even figured out how to act to resolve it. But nothing happens anyway. How so? Very simple. In addition to the reasons that trigger the mechanisms of looping in a situation (or a person, or a feeling), which are described above, there are other reasons that keep you in this state for a long time. No matter how uncomfortable you are. Let's talk a little about them.

Fears

And nevertheless, it was still not possible to let go of the situation (otherwise why are you reading all this?). Then what is the point of talking about a pain reliever pill when amputation is required?

Act in reverse

Try the reverse technique. For example, you cannot forget your loved one and you suffer a lot about this. I suggest that you, in all seriousness, suffer as you should. You can't live without him, right?

Take a vacation at your own expense. I think three days will be enough. Lock up at home, turn off your phone, turn off the Internet, cut off all communications with the outside world. No TV or music. Focus on suffering. Cry, roll on the floor, pull your hair, feel sorry for yourself. In general, kill yourself properly.

Break only for sleep. You don't even have to eat. You cannot be distracted by anything, only tears and sorrow. But without external stimuli. No joint photos, "your songs" - just you and your head.

See how long you last. How soon you want to spit and run to your girlfriend. Or watch a TV series. Or ... well, it doesn't matter. I'm not kidding or kidding. Any loss is a blow to the psyche, and it is accompanied by mental pain and corresponding experiences. But not three years? ..

Consider this technique as an allegory. That is, do not take it literally. And just make a conclusion. What will this behavior tell you (well, if you do it all seriously)? It will show you that you are overestimating the significance of the situation. That you have other needs, and some, such as the need for food, are much less illusory than the desire to be with the person who cheated you two years ago.

In a nutshell, if you want to stop cheating yourself and let go of a certain situation that has been tormenting you for a long time, you need to do the following. Find and understand the reasons why you cannot let go of this situation. And downgrade its meaning to you. Then the release process will start by itself. In principle, he is already in full swing, but the moments described above simply slow him down a lot. Deal with them - and everything will work out.

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A person constantly experiences some kind of situation. If there are no questions about how to get through a pleasant situation, then letting go of negative events sometimes becomes difficult. Sometimes it is difficult for a person to forget about something, or get used to it ..

To let go of something, you must not hold it! If you do not hold the bag in your hands, then it falls, remains in the place where you left it. If you are not holding something, then it is not there. This is if you think soberly and pragmatically. Just don't hold on to the situation you can't let go to leave it in the past.

Much easier said than done, however. And here you need to figure out not how to let go, but with what your situation holds you. So what keeps you in that situation that you want to forget about? It can be:

Resentment, fear, guilt, anger, shame and other emotions.
Important people who continue to be significant and authoritative for you, even after what happened.
Unfulfilled desires and expectations that you placed on the situation in question.

Some of this can keep you in the past that you won't let go of. Thus, in order to let go, you just have to say goodbye to significant people or find another way to communicate with them, let go of those emotions that you feel about the situation, come to terms with unfulfilled hopes and desires.

There is a parable about how two monks met a girl who could not walk across the stream. One monk took her in his arms and carried her to the other side. When everything happened and both monks went on, the second monk said to the first: "How did you allow yourself to touch the girl?" To which the first monk replied: “Everything has already happened, everything is in the past. Why are you still carrying this girl in your head? "

Until a person himself wants to stop remembering the past, his thoughts will continue to walk chaotically and think about what may be unpleasant.

How to let go of the situation?

If a person is worried about how to let go of the situation, most likely, he is trying to forget about what is unpleasant for him. A person is unlikely to try to forget about something good. Moreover, troubles happen to everyone, and each person has a certain situation that he would not happily recall.

As mentioned above, a situation that may have happened last week, last month or year, even several years ago, will keep a person, because there is something important for him in it: hurt feelings or pride, significant people, with which he did not want to part, unfulfilled desires or opportunities that he could use to achieve his happy life... In other words, this situation something significant for a person, and he cannot let her go, despite the fact that she could have happened to him many years ago.

Some do not believe that something can be forgotten. Psychologists, on the other hand, say that situations do not remain in the past, but constantly worry people, because they do not solve them. The situation needs to be resolved, and there are several ways here:

Accept what happened. Some events cannot be changed, reversed, repeated. You just need to accept them and no longer worry about the fact that they have arisen.
Change your attitude to the situation. This is the principle positive thinking... If you cannot change something, then try to see something good for yourself in the situation. For example, in a divorce from a loved one, see an invaluable experience, how this can happen, for what reasons, and how to avoid it next time. For example, if you lose money, you may see an opportunity to change your behavior so that this never happens again. Troubles happen to everyone, but in order not to repeat them, one should learn a certain lesson from them, which is a positive moment.
Solve the situation. Not all situations are insoluble. To let them go, you just need to resolve the issues that remain. For example, in order to solve the problem of a quarrel with children, you need to make peace with them. Or, to solve the problem of being fired, you need to get a new job.

There are many situations. Only a psychologist can give one single piece of advice, to whom a person will come specifically with his problem, which he cannot cope with. But in general, many situations are released by the considered methods.

If we return to the reasons due to which a person cannot let go of the situation, then the following advice from a psychologist can be cited here:

If you are held back by emotions affected by an unpleasant situation, then you should get rid of them. You need to distract yourself with something more interesting and meaningful than the situation that you cannot let go of. It could be a new love, a new job, or a journey. Psychologists advise in this way to get rid of emotions: saturate your every day with new events that will evoke new emotions in you and displace previous ones. In other words, continue to live fully so that new experiences and emotions replace previous experiences.

Also, the willingness of a person to forgive former acquaintances or himself in the fact that someone has offended someone will save you from emotions. Often, it is grievances that keep a person in what happened to him many years ago. Resentment causes anger, aggression, or, conversely, feelings of guilt and shame. The person blames either others or himself. This prevents him from letting go of the past. Therefore, we learn to forgive in order to let go.

If you are held by significant people with whom you do not want to part, then you need to either make peace with them and find another way of dealing with them, or come to terms with the fact that you will never see and communicate with them again. Either reconcile or accept - there is no third option.
If you are held by dreams and expectations that you wanted to realize in specific situation, then here you can either put up with failure, or disassemble the mistakes made and try again to try your luck, but using a different algorithm of actions. A person must remember: if you repeat again the same actions that have already been performed and led to a negative result, then failure will again be achieved. If you want to change something in the situation, you should first understand your own mistakes, and then not repeat, while changing the algorithm of actions that should lead to success. Otherwise, come to terms with what happened and do not suffer because of your choice.

A person quite often holds on to situations that happened to him a long time ago. Why would he? Psychologists say that a person always holds on to those situations that matter to him. And if there is a desire to let them go, then you can use the following algorithm:

Take a break from the situation first. While she worries you, infuriates, makes you suffer and experience other emotions, you will not be able to do anything reasonable. To prevent your emotions from pushing you to commit unpleasant actions, it is better to give yourself time to cool down. For now, take a break from solving other problems and problems that an adult always has. Solve other problems that are also waiting for your attention.
Then, when you have calmed down emotionally, you can turn your attention to the situation that is not letting you go. You should figure out what is so special about this situation, because of what it causes violent emotions in you and does not let go. Sometimes people remember what they did on emotions, and not about what problem first arose, which caused these emotions. At first, people are outraged or agitated by something, after which they begin to do stupid things. And in order to let go of the situation, you need to realize what problem arose in it, and not remember who and what did and said.
It does not hurt to put yourself in the place of those people whom you are offended. It often seems that we are justifiably offended, they say, other people misbehaved. And if you put yourself in their place, then it may turn out that the person would behave in exactly the same way as they did. If you put yourself in the place of your “enemy” and understand that you would have acted exactly as he did, then it will be easier for you to forgive him and even understand his motives.
Forgive your offenders. Do it for your own sake. You forgive the offenders in order to let go of the situation and not remember the bad things. You do this for the sake of your own peace of mind, and not to let the offenders down their mistakes.

Let other people be who they are. They have offended or offended you with their words and actions. But you don't mind it. You no longer communicate with them, and let them pay for their mistakes themselves. You, for your part, hold no grudge against anyone.

How to let go of the situation and the person from the thoughts and the heart?

Sometimes the difficulty of letting go of the situation lies in the fact that a person is forced to part with someone forever. It is difficult to do this if some feelings persist towards the other person. However, if it becomes necessary to let go of the partner from thoughts and heart, then every effort should be made.

We forgive the person for leaving you. If it was not your initiative, then forgiveness will be the most the right way let go of the person. Do not be offended or angry. Let the person decide what to do and be responsible for it.
Get over it. If you are outraged, then allow yourself this. Emotions should not be accumulated. Give yourself a couple of days to get angry with the other person, and then resign yourself to his departure.
See the person in real life. Often people idealize each other, and then they cannot let go, because no one wants to part with ideal partners. However, ideals do not exist. It's just that people do not see the shortcomings of those partners that they cannot forget. Get involved in seeing your departed partner in real life, as they are, with all their strengths and weaknesses, actions and goals achieved, and not by those promises with which he created the illusion of his beautiful image.
Work on your future. First, be confident that you can live happily without the other person. Secondly, start dreaming about a future where the other person is not around and where you are happy at the same time. Third, start realizing your goals. If you want to live happily, then begin to act with full confidence that you will achieve your goal.
Stop thinking about pleasant moments. It should be understood that you had pleasant moments with all the people with whom you had at least some kind of relationship. Someone you cannot forget is not the only person who could make you happy. Better not to remember the good things that he did for you, so as not to idealize him, or, if you do, then remember the events that happened with other people in order to understand that many people made you happy, and not the only one.

Learn to relax, be calm about your loneliness, and remove any objects that remind you of your ex. You do not idealize anyone, and therefore calmly let him go into the past.

How to let go of the situation in the relationship in the end?

If you cannot let go of the situation in the relationship, then use the following tips:

Accept the accomplishment if you can't change anything.
Make peace if the relationship can still be renewed. Before doing this, be aware of the mistakes that you made, and do not repeat them again or correct the problem that has arisen.
Say goodbye to people if it is better to end the relationship with them than to maintain. Become the initiator of an unpleasant situation for yourself, understanding all the benefits this decision for myself.

Events are given to a person so that he knows himself and makes certain lessons.

Let go. When should you do it? How to do it? I have a problem. She worries me a lot. I am taking some action, but the problem is not resolved.

Let go. When should you do it? How to do it?

I have a problem. She worries me a lot. I am taking some action, but the problem is not resolved.

I keep fighting, but nothing changes. I feel sad, angry, irritated, desperate. I constantly think about my problem or about the person and his problems, and I just can't figure out how to solve these problems.

Again I take certain actions and realize that things have gotten even worse. I wish I hadn't.

And then they say to me: let go.

How can I let go when this problem occupies all my thoughts, all my feelings, all my strength and all my time! If I am obsessed with this problem!

Everyone says to let go, but no one tells how to do it. And what do you need to let go? The problem that bothers me?

The person who is giving me problems?

Or my very worry?

First, I looked into the dictionary:Vocabulary: to let go - to provide freedom; let go; stop holding; provide an opportunity to move; weaken, make more free; forgive (in the expression “forgive sin”).

What is “letting go”?

Letting go is an opportunity to step back a couple of steps away from the situation that is causing me problems, or the person whose problems I am concerned about.

When I am in the midst of a difficult situation, it is difficult for me to assess what is happening.

This state was remarkably described by Yesenin.“You didn’t know, That I was in continuous smoke, In a life torn apart by a storm. So I am tormented that I don’t understand - Where the fate of events takes us. Face to face Faces cannot be seen. Great things are seen at a distance. When the sea surface is boiling - The ship is in a deplorable state. "

To let go is to try to look at difficult situation, a difficult problem from the outside.

Letting go means slightly increasing the distance between me and the problem that bothers me, between me and the person I'm worried about. Increase the distance in order to look at all this from a different angle, as if from the side.

The world is like a big choir, where each person has his own party. Suppose I play my soprano part, and a tenor sings next to me and he is terribly out of tune, and he always out of tune, at every concert. And I have already repeatedly told him about this.

What can I do in this situation?

Start faking with him, adjusting to him?

Hit him on the head with the score and yell: “Stop faking!”? Stop the concert and apologize to the audience?

Frustrated to throw your score and leave the stage resentfully?

Tell the tenor: "Come on, you shut up, and I will sing instead of you?" or “Let’s keep quiet and I’ll perform both of our parts at the same time?”

Or ordering him to stop singing, and if he doesn't stop, start intimidating him, saying that I will snitch on the conductor?

It's funny and stupid, isn't it? Somehow childish?

But we do so often in life.

The only thing I can do in this situation is to step back.

Tell yourself, “All I can do is keep doing my part well. I cannot remake this person, I cannot remake the whole world. " This is what it means to let go.

But why is it so hard to let go?

Why is it so difficult to increase this distance even a little?

Because we are painful pathologically attached to people or problems. By attachment, I do not mean normal feelings when we sympathize with people, sympathize with their problems, or feel part of a family, clan, collective, country. Painful, pathological attachment is a state when we become over-involved, over-responsible, as if obsessed.

When our consciousness is painfully obsessed with thoughts about someone or something, it is impossible to focus on something else, on some other problems or people, focus on ourselves, our thoughts, our feelings, our life.

All thoughts constantly revolve around only one single problem or one single person and his problems.

The whole world is shrinking to the size of just this problem or just this person.

We become attached to a person or problem mentally, mentally, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, even physically.

We focus all our energies on people and problems. And we begin to lack the energy to live our own lives, to solve our own problems. We begin to feel constant fatigue, weakness, irritation.

We are like a charger for cell phone: the phone has been charged for a long time, the screen displays the message "Battery charged, unplug the charger to save energy." But we still do not disconnect, we continue to remain connected, and we continue to charge and charge, although nothing is charging anymore and no one needs our energy. We continue to give energy.

We cannot detach, we cannot let go. Our attachment becomes unhealthy, painful.

Painful attachment can take many forms.

Let's consider some of them:

1) mental attachment: we constantly think about a person or a problem, our attention is obsessed with this problem all the time;

“I think only about this and cannot think about anything else”;

2) mental attachment (for example, attachment by fear): "if I do not do what he wants, he will be furious";

“If I do it my way, she will have a heart attack again”;

“If I don’t do this, they will stop respecting me”;

3) automatic reaction: we act unconsciously, we react to something or someone automatically, without hesitation, almost at the level of a reflex, without understanding what we feel and think

“She pissed me off, so I lost my temper”;

"He always brings me to tears";

"It pisses me off when they comment on me."

Moreover, we begin to overreact, any trifle can cause a storm of emotions in us. At the same time, we do not understand what exactly caused such a storm of emotions in us.

4) emotional attachment:

we can become emotionally dependent on the people around us

“I feel sad when she is sad”;

"I get angry when he is angry";

5) psychological attachment: we can become rescuers, accomplices, that is, people who constantly take care of others, tying ourselves to their needs

“Did you take an umbrella?”;

“You called to work, what are you going to be late?”;

“I've already made an appointment with a doctor”;

"You must take this medicine";

"I made you sandwiches for work, don't forget to eat"

6) emotional attachment: “I cannot get out of depression, I cry all the time, I drink antidepressants - she got married and left me, her mother, and I gave her my whole life. Now her husband is more important to her than her mother! "

7)and even physical!“My mother's blood pressure jumped on our wedding day and she was not present at our wedding, the next day she was taken to the hospital by ambulance. Now I constantly have to live with my mother for a long time, and then she feels good. As soon as I move in with my wife, my mother immediately becomes ill. This has been going on for a year now. My wife wants to divorce me. What should I do?!"

When we cannot withdraw or let go, we fall into painful attachment, we become obsessed. Obsession with others human being or a problem - it's a terrible condition.

Have you ever seen anyone who is obsessed with someone or something?

Remember the character from the novel "The Master and Margarita" by Bulgakov by the poet Ivan Bezdomny. After meeting with Woland, he became obsessed with the idea of catching Woland and his entire gang.

But all his attempts end in nothing, and, in the end, he ends up in a psychiatric hospital with a diagnosis of schizophrenia.

But if he had not been possessed, he would have been able to reason sensibly and would have been able to understand what a person could catch evil spirits impossible.

Or remember of a man who has just fallen in love... He cannot talk about anything except the object of his love. And even if he sits silently, and, as it seems to you, listens to you, with his thoughts he is far away. The image of a beloved or beloved is constantly spinning in his head, what he said, what he did, how he laughed, how he looked, etc.

Or remember a person who is seized with jealousy.

He rummages in his pockets, looks through mail, looks through messages on his phone, looks for signs of treason. And what, it can give any result?

Even if he discovers something and makes a scandal, then his partner will begin from that moment even more carefully to hide the traces of betrayal.

When you ask these people how they feel, they talk about how the other person is feeling.

When you ask these people what they are doing, they talk about what the other person is doing.

The whole focus of their attention is on someone or something, but not on themselves. They cannot say what they are feeling and thinking because they do not know it.

Their focus is not on themselves.

She doesn't call, and by this time she usually called. Where is she now? He doesn’t answer the phone call, but he should.

Why doesn't he answer the phone? Usually she comes home at 7, and now it's already 8. What happened to her?

You don't know what; you don’t know why: you don’t know when; but you know for sure: something bad - something terrible - has already happened, is happening at the moment, or is about to happen. Anxiety is what obsession, morbid attachment, over-involvement, and over-responsibility lead to.

Fear usually grips us on a short time but the alarm hangs in the air all the time. It embraces and paralyzes consciousness, we begin to endlessly scroll the same useless thoughts.

Obsession is very difficult to deal with obsessive thoughts and anxiety. It is impossible to sit still and relax.

We begin to feel that we urgently need to do something. But since our consciousness is paralyzed by anxiety, we begin to do meaningless and useless things.

Healthy, rational thoughts stop popping into our heads.

We start to fuss, constantly do something in order, thus, to reduce the feeling of anxiety. If there is absolutely no opportunity to occupy yourself in order to distract from disturbing thoughts then you can chew gum, bite your nails, smoke continuously, and engage in other compulsive behaviors.

We worry, fuss, do something all the time, keep others under close scrutiny and constant control. dey.

What if they do something wrong?

Maybe we need to do something to change their behavior?

Why do we so want to control?

In addition to reducing feelings of anxiety by being in control, the source of the need to control others is that we all need love and security.

Perhaps as a child, we lacked love and security, and now we try to take by force what we lacked so much. We try to control others in order to receive from them what we need - love and security.

If we are in control, it means that we cannot or do not know how to get from others what we need in another way, or we are very afraid of losing what we have.

This means that we are very bad. We are scared, hurt, sad, lonely.

On the other hand, very often, when we solve other people's problems, we imply that those others will solve our problems as a token of gratitude.

We continue to be small, weak, helpless children, unwilling to solve their own problems.Also, we all have an unconscious desire to feel stronger than we really are. And this is also the source of the desire to control others. Power over others gives a sense of strength.

Perhaps we have carried away from our childhood a sense of weakness and helplessness. And now we need to control others in order to feel stronger. Control replaces power for us.

Indeed, in childhood, our adults and strong parents controlled us - small and weak. Perhaps we lived for a long time only for others, lived only their lives, and we had no life of our own left.

Now, in order to lessen our feelings of anxiety, we must remain attached to them. We know that we are still alive if we have someone to worry about and someone to control. If we lose the object of our obsession, then we seem to have nothing to live for, an emptiness is formed in our life.

As a result, we are drawn into a vicious circle: obsession - anxiety - control.

The more I begin to control, the more obsessively I begin to think about the problem or person I control.

The more obsessed I get, the more anxious I become.

The more anxious I am, the more and more I begin to control.

The situation is getting out of control, I am being pulled into this vicious circle, into a whirlpool.

There is a feeling that I am sinking to the bottom of a deep well. As soon as we become attached with anxiety and anxiety to someone or something, so immediately we withdraw from ourselves.

We are losing touch with ourselves. We stop thinking, feeling, acting, and caring for ourselves. We are no longer interested in ourselves. We are losing control of ourselves and our lives.

Therefore, letting go is something that we need to do first of all in order to start working on ourselves, live our own life, experience our own feelings and solve your own problems.

How to let go of obsession with painful thoughts, anxiety and desire to control?

How to focus on yourself, your life, on solving your problems?

To let go is to lovingly distance yourself from the problem or person. We distance ourselves mentally, emotionally, and sometimes even physically.

To let go is to let life go its own way, to let people act in their own way.

We believe that each person is responsible for himself, that we cannot solve those problems that are not ours. We allow people to be who they are. We allow people to be who they came to this world. We allow them to be responsible for themselves.

To let go, you first need to determine if the problem I'm worried about is mine?

Here are possible different options:

1) the problem is mine

2) the problem is yours

3) the problem is our common

4) there is no problem at all

If the problem is ours, then we are trying to determine what we can do in this situation and we try to do it. But if we cannot do something or understand that our efforts are not leading to anything, that our efforts are pointless, we let go of this situation. We strive to find out whose problem is and what we can change and what we cannot change. We will do what we can to resolve the issue.

If we cannot solve the problem, but did everything we could, it means that we are learning to live with the problem or in spite of the problem.

Let me give you an example from my own experience. My husband gets up when I leave for work. And then one day I get up early in the morning, go to the kitchen to put the kettle on, and suddenly I see a dirty Turk with yesterday's dried coffee on the stove.

I boil all over and think: “Well, nothing! I'll tell him everything in the evening! "

And then I stop and start a dialogue with myself: “Are you going to drink coffee now? No. I always drink tea in the morning.

Do you need a Turk for this? No.

And husband, does he always drink coffee in the morning? Yes.

It means that he will get up, go to make himself coffee, see that the Turk is dirty, and wash her. Do you care when he washes it, yesterday or today? "

And then I understand that this is not my problem! And I let go of the situation.

Consider the tenor example I gave in the first movement. What can I do in this situation?

I can say to tenor: “It seems to me that you and I are singing in different keys. Honestly, it bothers me to sing, and it annoys me a lot. Could we somehow resolve this issue? "

If he agrees, then we work with him to solve the problem. If he doesn’t agree, I have no choice but to continue trying to perform my part as well as possible.

I can ask the conductor to put me somewhere else, next to another tenor.

And that's all.

And I don’t become hostile to this person, I don’t stop talking to him, I don’t get angry with him, I don’t discuss him with colleagues behind his back, I don’t slander him.This is what it means to let go with love.

Letting go involves accepting reality and accepting facts. This requires faith - in yourself, in other people, in the natural order of things in this world.

We believe that fate has prepared some tests for us, and some for other people. And that everyone must pass their own tests and draw their own conclusions. Even from mistakes.

Letting go doesn't mean we don't give a damn.

It means that we learn to love, care, enter into relationships with other people without necessarily going crazy, becoming obsessed and controlling people and their behavior.

We stop worrying about others and they start worrying about themselves. Each of us is engaged in his own life.

Until now, we have lived for other people, for other people, instead of other people. And they did nothing for themselves.

And our loved ones thought that we did not have any interests of our own, that it was enough for us to live their lives.

Now, when we begin to live our own lives, our loved ones discover that we have something else, some kind of life of our own. They become interested. If before that they were not interested in us, now they are beginning to be interested in our problems, our needs, our interests, our life.

They start asking questions: What are you doing? Where have you been? Can I help you? What are you thinking about? What are you reading? You meet? Etc.

As soon as we become interesting to ourselves, so immediately we become interesting to other people. When should we let go?

When we cannot stop thinking about someone or something, talking about someone or something, worrying about someone or something; when we cannot stop controlling someone or something; when we think that we are not able to live with this problem anymore.

Here acts good rule: we need to start letting go as much as we think it is least possible.

To let go, you need to take the first step, admit the truth that I became obsessed that I have lost control of myself, over my own life, that I have a problem that I cannot let go, that I am powerless in the face of this problem, that I constantly think obsessively about this problem or this person and his problems, that I obsessed not only with thoughts, but also with anxiety that I am trying to control.

This includes acknowledging that I need love, security, support and care, that I lack this, and that I am trying to get it by controlling other people. That I need a sense of strength and therefore I am trying to control. Honesty is very important here. Honesty to oneself and to others.

No matter how terrible the truth about me and my behavior is, knowing the truth about myself makes me free. Free to change your life for the better, to get out of the bondage of obsession, anxiety and control.

You can take this first step, admit the truth about yourself, at free, open groups of psychological mutual help, which work according to the 12-step program.

This is what the first step of the 12-step program sounds like:

"We admitted our powerlessness in the face of the problem, admitted that we have lost control of ourselves."

In order to start letting go of a situation, problem or person, you first need to admit that I have a situation in which I am not completely in control of myself, I am obsessed and I cannot think of anything else. We come to the group, talk about what keeps us captivated by obsession.

We talk about the problem, and it becomes easier for us. The fog seems to dissipate in front of our eyes, and we begin to see more clearly our situation and our problems. On the other hand, in a group we listen to other people's stories, learn how they let go of their obsession, learn from their experience. And we also understand that this is not only our unique problem.

How to let go of a situation - psychology

During a showdown, people become very emotional, strong feelings cover their heads, and people no longer find out, but prove each one of their innocence, without hearing the interlocutor and often pronouncing thoughts that appear in their heads, which the individuals themselves do not give an account of. This is how problems are born that become more significant than the original ones.

How to learn to let go of the situation and stop thinking about the situation all the time for a certain time to refresh your thoughts. The longer you think and "change your mind" the situation, the more complex and confusing it will seem. Remembering various details, the person will become more and more angry or sad. This will aggravate the situation and will definitely not help to let it go and fix it.

When they calm down, people realize that they have said too much. Therefore, it is better to initially try to prevent this moment. This requires strong self-control and mindfulness to sense when the situation is starting to escalate and to stop in time.

Following how we abstracted a little from problem situation that you want to let go, you need to look at it in a new way. In a good way there will be a replay of the situation in the mind, from the side of the observer, in order to analyze well his own words and emotions, and the words of the second side.

To let go of a conflict situation, you need to understand the interlocutor with whom he was guided when he behaved hostilely. Perhaps he then had personality problems that he worried about, so he was angry and poured all his negativity on you. He could even be tired, sick or anxious, so you should not immediately take his malicious statements or actions on yourself.

How to let go of the situation and not think about it in this case? You should imagine yourself standing in the interlocutor's place. It can be assumed that it is also hard for him and he is worried, because he himself did not assume that the situation would accept such an outcome.

Forgiveness often helps in letting go of the situation and moving on with no offense. If it is difficult to immediately talk to a person, you can mentally imagine asking for forgiveness. It is necessary to present it so vividly, as if it is now in front of your eyes. It doesn't matter who first started the quarrel, and if a person is worried about the situation that has happened and he wants to let it go, then certain steps need to be taken. It is worth arousing the most sincere feelings in oneself, apologizing from the heart, saying that he also forgives and does not hold evil and resentment.

It is necessary to do this until a feeling of lightness and freedom overtakes, it should bring with it relaxation and tranquility. When you succeed in reaching this state, you will be able to let go of the situation.

This method is good for letting go of the situation, contributing to the resumption of relations after the conflict and release from negative feelings. After “trial” forgiveness in absentia, you should dare to meet or talk on the phone, try to strike up a conversation, ask for forgiveness already “live”. It is worth doing this in order to finally let go of the situation.

How to let go of the situation - advice from a psychologist:

It is necessary to discard erroneous beliefs. Many, by their actions, spoil their personal lives. You should not hold on to old principles and beliefs that interfere with adequate contact with people and be afraid to let them go.

People value principles so much that they make critical mistakes because of them, part with loved ones. It is worth admitting to yourself that no one else is to blame for this. If everyone points out to the individual that one cannot be so principled in a relationship, then one should be less categorical. It is required to admit that we made a mistake and let go of beliefs and categorical principles, to be easier, then the world will change.

How to let go of a situation and a person from the heart and thoughts

If a person is going through a situation for a long time, through a person's departure, it means that he has complexes, he is indecisive, has too much, experiences a feeling of guilt and resentment.

To let go of the situation, you need to get rid of these qualities and allow yourself a happy life.

What does it mean to let go of the situation and let go of the person? You need to understand that letting go means living, without memories of a person, thanking for a new experience, putting an end to it, if nothing good is already "sticking together." We must learn to live anew, fully. You need to work out your own feelings, and not just accept the doomed and live on with gloomy thoughts.

The negative experiences that have accumulated inside, as a result of parting, must find a way out, so the first thing to do is to let them go - cry, do it once, but very thoroughly, so that you feel empty inside and no longer want to cry when remembering these experiences.

How to let go of the situation in a relationship with a man? It is required to consciously evaluate how this relationship proceeded, throw off your "rose-colored glasses", look at this relationship from a different angle. Of course, every woman wants the relationship with a man to be the most ideal, but some quarrels, quarrels and misunderstandings still occur. Therefore, it is worth remembering these unpleasant times, not idealizing the "former" as the only and best.

If a woman is worried about how to let go of the situation in a relationship with a man, you can use one psychotherapeutic method. All disturbing thoughts and disturbing emotions should be expressed by writing a letter. Allow yourself a free flow of thoughts, you need to express what is painful. This technique contributes to the fact that the personality gets out from the inside all the hidden feelings that do not give rest, do not allow to experience joy. In this way, she can let go of all emotions, and, moreover, no one will be offended.

It is necessary to address a specific person, write what you want to express, without thinking about whether it is good or bad, not to hide, not to conceal. But sending it is undesirable, since it will not bring anything good, here the meaning of the method is different. After finishing writing a letter, it must be destroyed, torn, burned or thrown away, and let go of exciting thoughts with it.

To let go of a person, it is worth removing all objects reminiscent of him (things, gifts), so as not to cry later, remembering the lost moments. Regrets must be dropped. If earlier you had to worry about your partner, devote less time to your needs, now you can become more egocentric, think more about yourself, personal needs that never had the opportunity to be realized at one time. Find new grounds for joy. This will help to let go of the situation, and drive your sad and negative thoughts away.

In order not to feel, it is worth enlisting the support of friends, they will find necessary words, you just have to listen to them a little.

To forget the past will help the understanding that it is necessary to organize your future, to dream, even without a specific person, it will definitely be.

Almost every individual has experienced a feeling unrequited love... In order to more easily let go of a person from thoughts, you need to realize that since he has rejected the offer of love, then you should have pride and you should not constantly impose on him, and again experience rejection, which makes you even more upset every time. It is required to develop self-esteem in oneself. If a person found out about feelings, but did not respond to them immediately, then you should take a neutral position. It is necessary to let go of expectations so that they do not accidentally collide with reality, which is completely different from what a person imagines. It is important to be a little philosopher, to think that there is a time for everything, and also to reflect that it is impossible for one person to belong to another, if he does not have mutual feelings for him.

In order to let go of the situation in a relationship, you should not idealize the chosen one at all, because he, like all people, has flaws, so you should objectively evaluate them and focus on them. Over time, it will begin to seem that he is not as good as he seemed at first. It is necessary to stop all contacts and connections with him, the less something reminds of him, the faster he will be able to let go.

The human psyche has the ability to recreate in memory pleasant memories of life, which are able to give a person a good state, release from anger and resentment, accumulated negative over the years of life, which allows you to mentally rest. This state resembles a state of meditation, which plunges the individual into relaxation, gives balance and serenity, which is very necessary for everyone, especially when a person has problems and intends to let them go, leaving peace in his soul.

To be a healthy, strong, more balanced person, to be able to let go of the situation, you need to regularly plunge into such a relaxed state. Disconnect the body from all the everyday fuss, problems and conflicts, let go of all the accumulated bad and disturbing thoughts about an unworthy person.

Almost everyone often forgets about themselves while worrying about others. Thus, he is driven by erroneous stereotypes that almost always diverge from internal rhythms. It is worth worrying more about yourself, your personal health and watching how others contribute to your life, then if they do not bring sincere joy with happiness, then it is better to let them go from your heart.

How to let go of a relationship situation

In life, there are various situations in a relationship that need to be forgotten. For example, if a partner betrayed or cheated on and does not come out to forgive this person, then you should forget and let him go. Didn't he do enough in the relationship to make it his punishment?

To make it easier to let go of the situation in the relationship, you should take into account the available facts, everything that previously happened and is happening. For example, you said goodbye to your partner, even if without scandals, and a little later you begin to think how bad it is without him, but he himself does not think to return, then the conclusion itself suggests itself - to let go and live on without dwelling on him.

Once a person begins to think again, to remember him, but if such thoughts leave, then the individual will see that it is still possible to live without him. You should give yourself a clear direction to let go of the situation, not to remember your ex. Obsession with the past can interfere with creation happy family, in building new plans. The sooner a person understands this, the faster he can create a new life.

Many individuals believe it is right that after breaking up a relationship it is worth getting rid of feelings, but by doing this they pull themselves back into this love even more. You need to allow yourself these feelings for a while, but set aside time for them, not cry all the time, but do, as always, your urgent matters, but cry out, swear at the appointed time. Thus, a person learns self-control.

If he firmly knows that he allows himself to remember a person at the set time, he will eventually get tired of it. Throughout the day, he is engaged in business, accordingly, he cannot break away from extraneous thoughts, and in the evening, after all the chores at home, he will want to psychologically relax, and not grieve. Since your ex is better off without you, then you too will become happy man without him.

When a person tries to solve a problem, tries various options, but he cannot do it, then it is best to let go of the situation, i.e. let it go by itself, let it resolve by itself. It often happens that while the individual is not fussing, his feelings are smoothed out, and he forgets the thoughts that disturb him earlier. Therefore, time is considered the best doctor. You should stop controlling the situation and observe the current situation.

Having got to the bottom of it, assessing the situation, you can reveal the relationship and make yourself understand - these failed relationships did not have a future. If it had happened differently, then they would have ended differently, it is logical after all. So, it means it is worth letting go of the situation with ease.

If you can't let go of the situation on your own, then it is worth enlisting the support of a psychologist who will help resolve urgent problems and difficulties, teach you how to cope with them.

A loving individual, not only of himself, will not limit anyone and adjust his behavior to fit his framework of beliefs. Because no one owes anything to anyone, even if at first he made a promise to love forever. It was just that one person gave importance to these promises, and another said them, but was not going to stick to. You should not cling to a person, and to something that does not fit with the flow of your life, as it is fraught with big problems, you better let him go. We must learn to keep balance, because everything flows and changes.

Letting go of the situation does not give fear, it is also worth getting rid of it. You need to accept the truth and be grateful for it. Letting go with appreciation for the experience in the relationship, which was accompanied by tears and laughter, which helped to grow internally. To forget a painful memory, it is necessary to accept what is now, what was, to realize their capabilities. You need to find the strength to accept all life changes, trust your intuition and evaluate your achievements. Any experience is invaluable, only understanding this can you continue your confident successful path.

When problems arise, it is always a test. This is a kind of test for readiness for life changes and risk. If the situation changes, you should not be afraid of it, and take steps back, you should go exclusively forward. Because life is moving forward and you need to let go of the old.

Asking the question of how to let go of the situation in a relationship, you must tell yourself that you should stop clinging to them, and live your future. When a person manages to forget about the past, then in the soul, where significant relationships used to take place, a void is formed, and in order not to feel it so strongly, it is necessary to fill it with communication. Make new acquaintances, reunite with former friends and with relatives, and, closing from the rest, a person will feel unhappy.

Hello, help with advice, we lived together for 4 years, 3.5 years later made a beautiful proposal with friends at a wedding, then a friend left to work in another city and only his wife remained here. My martyr very often went to her, since they always communicated very well, sometimes I also went with him, everything was fine, but then on his birthday everyone drank a lot and I caught them kissing. There was a big scandal, kicked out of the house with things, he came, asked for forgiveness, said that he would never do that again, they say, he’s a fool, he drank too much, he didn’t know what came over him. Before, I always trusted him and he didn't even give reasons for jealousy, I was happy that I finally found a worthy man. I cried a lot, there were straight tantrums, it was a shame that he betrayed me, he saw it all. I lost a friend who went to work, this friend and his wife decided not to divorce. And we have everything on the wrong side, now we do not see each other, because he says that it hurts him to look into my eyes, it hurts that he caused me so much suffering, yesterday we parted completely, because I can not sit and wait when he changes his mind. , not the fact that he will then decide to continue to be together. But I wrote to him that I forgive him. Why is he harassing himself like that? Is there any point in hoping that everything will work out with us, I am sure that I want to be with him, but I can’t say anything for him, unfortunately, he says that he himself does not know anything, and now he is gnawed only by a feeling of guilt. He did not want to part, said that if fate, then we will be together, asked for time.

Hello Irina. It is possible that your man has rethought what happened and he would not have done so soberly. From the outside, he appreciated all the pain that he caused you and considers himself unworthy to be with you. It's easier for him. Until he forgives himself, the reunion will not happen.

Good evening. After reading everything and I decided to write. The situation is as follows. I have family. He does too. We work in the same industry, but live in different cities. He is 12 years younger. Everything was normal, work and that's it. And suddenly, butterflies flared inside me. I want this man madly. For almost a year now I have been thinking about him every day. In principle, we are in touch 24 hours a day, but only for work. And so I decided to hint to him that I was working with him not because of the business, but in order for him to be around for a while. He pretended not to understand, although there were tears in my eyes. He has a principle that if he works with someone, then no, no. In the networks, he repost my photos to his page. There are more photos of me than all the others together. And how should I understand this? I'm not going to interfere with his family, I just madly want not only intimacy, just warm affectionate words... What to do? Thanks in advance for your reply.

Good evening. Can you please tell me if it is possible to make peace with the girl after such a conflict, in short, it was like this - we met with a girl for 4 years, she kept hinting to me that I would make proposals to her, and I was silent and silent, said please be patient a little, everyone started together live, and here she recently told me that like you can spend the night with your mother, I need to think, okay, okay, everything went to my mother and spent the night. All in the morning I left for work, I worked the day, and in the evening I took her from work, and then she wrote me VK for me, no need to come, I'll come myself. In the evening, she writes to me, take my things, we all disagree, I thought of it all night and I won’t change my decision, I tell her forgive me, let's start all over again, she’s not, well, she asked everything, she begged for nothing. , gone. Two days later I bought her a ring, flowers for her and my mother-in-law and wanted to propose, but she was not at home. I went from work on the bus, well, I didn’t think so much I went to my mother-in-law and gave flowers to my mother-in-law, talked to my mother-in-law, like how can I be with my girlfriend, she will forgive me or not. Mother-in-law says Valera, I’ll talk to her, don’t worry, I’ll start hoping, then my mother-in-law writes to me, she doesn’t want anything and cries all I was with her the very first boyfriend, and maybe I will (((then my girlfriend calls back herself says come to me let's talk to you, okay came talked, I gave her a ring and said marry me, she cries a lot, no i won't go and that's all, then I still persuaded her to put the ring on her She put her hand on and left, then she calls me back and says give me a month if I feel bad without you we will get along, and if not, then we will all say goodbye, I’m fine with her. Two days later I went to the store where she works, I knew that she was resting that day, and everyone came to the store and there she saw me, she came to her girls, she saw me crying all over again and left. for answer

Good evening, Valery. Your girlfriend herself does not understand what is happening to her or understands, but does not want to voice the problem. We recommend that you leave her in your thoughts, do not bother, but if there is a desire to renew the relationship, in two months you can "accidentally" meet her, ask about her life. One month is not enough, but two months will be quite enough for the girl to understand herself, her feelings and whether she wants to be with you. Then again you can raise this topic by inviting you to a date beforehand, where you can create a romantic atmosphere, thereby initiating a new courtship for her. For two months, do not call, and do not write to her - let him "cook" in his experiences on his own. Show coldness. This will make her miss you. Women do not always appreciate who is persistently "running" after them. You can answer her SMS (restrained, politely, without specifics), but do not write first.

Hello. My situation, in my opinion, is not very serious, but it does not let go. When I was 16 I was dating a guy older than me, well, we met nothing more, broke up on his initiative, met another, and our relationship was at a distance. There was no sense, but there was passion). We parted and did not see each other, the guy got married with this girl.
We lived happily. after a while we had to meet, a common company. I am with my current husband, mutual friends and they. I calmly treated them as one whole, but the girl's behavior surprised me. She ignored me, if she photographed, then so that I was not in the photo, well, everything like that. As time passed they gave birth. A year later, I have a wedding, pregnancy and the attitude of this girl is changing. She invites all her friends to visit and we are among them. We talked surprisingly well for some time, but once being in public she let me know that she could not even imagine that one of former girls her husband will sit in front of her ... Everything turned upside down for me at that moment. For me, her words sounded different - she saw in me all this time his ex. My confidence in her began to fade. Then I began to notice that she began to imitate me, in the choice of clothes, the poses in the photo repeat mine, and the attitude towards me became "high". And now I am 25, I was afraid for a long time to interrupt this communication with them, but I realized that for me there is nothing good in them. Even remembering our trips to them, I persuaded myself to go and always doubted. She began to get rid of it gradually, and provocations on her part were pushed, first from social network, deleted it because it became annoying. Then we stopped dating. It seems to me that I began to hate her, apparently this is an insult for her words and actions, far from everything I described here. Perhaps she did not do it on purpose, but still not pleasant. I would like to tell her what I think of her, but I also don’t want a showdown. Now, for some reason, I think about it all the time, I'm tired of it, but I still think, I understand that everything is enough, but thoughts do not leave. Although I removed them from social networks, I wanted to get rid of them, but in the end I myself observe their life and began to compare myself with it, I want them to disappear forever from my life, and I understand that everything is in my head. It seems to me that before she hated me and compared herself to me, but now it's the other way around. In general, here.

Hello. I read all the above stories .. But I have something else. I dated a married man for three and a half years. The relationship was one-sided - he has a good family, he was a fan of walking very much in his youth. I am 53 years old, he is the same age. We met for intimacy, but in my pink glasses I painted "love" for myself, which was not on his part at all. Several times already swore, put up. He always returned, he was affectionate, but after two or three months he again became cruel and harsh. I will make a reservation that he is quite wealthy, but very greedy. I always needed to stroke him, as they say on the fur, because that my any disagreement immediately led to a scandal. According to him, I scandalized, although many times he was very rude. But he always returned and again the same "rake", And now another parting. I did not like the way he behaved , I told him, he sharply replied that he may not come at all and is not going to dance around me. By nature he is a rather cruel person. I have some kind of painful attachment to him that I want to break. And so we do not communicate for several days I want to stop all this, but I don’t know how to force myself to look realistically at the fact that the man is married and he met with me only for the sake of intimacy, I myself came up with "lyuboFF". Prompt. I read a lot of articles on the topic, I myself really see that the person has been buzzing all his life, but he is an excellent family man. He just used me. But how to say to myself that I don’t need this, it doesn’t work out. And it’s not that I’m I suffered a lot, because this has happened many times. But there is not enough communication. Although I also know that he liked it, but most likely it was just a mask, because he is a reveler in life, and by age and miserliness now he already has I have no desire to walk. He stopped at me, because it is beneficial from all sides. And I don’t know how to set myself up for rupture and neglect. Tell me the pill))

Hello, tell me how to numb the pain.

Recently I found out that my beloved person lied to me, that he did not communicate and did not see his ex, with whom I had forbidden to communicate.
And I also found out that when we broke up, there was one time, he slept with his ex.
I consider this a betrayal, since he was in another city and we decided to renew the relationship and it was at that moment that he changed.
This truth came out by accident, said the former herself.
We love each other very much.
I forgave him, although it hurt a lot. This load that I was betrayed inside me ...
I trusted him more than anyone else.
Of course, he regretted what happened between them, he cried and just forgiveness ..
tried to make amends, made surprises.
I believe in his Love, and I myself love him more than life ..
His lies were related only to his ex.
So he never cheated on me and did not lie.
I was very jealous of his ex, he was afraid to lose me, he was afraid to tell the truth, because when I found out that they once walked in a company and there was an ex, I beat him, broke his phone and much more ...
Sometimes emotions take over. I am very jealous of him.
But after all this, I'm afraid that I won't be able to trust him anymore .. it hurts me that he betrayed me ...
how to start trusting again? How to let go of the pain? How should a guy behave? Tell me please

Hello. I can't let go of a work-related situation. Long time worked in one place. She went on maternity leave. I really wanted to change my place of work, there were reasons for such a decision - and the salary was average, and the team changed during my decree, and personal grievances were small there. And I made promises to the Universe, and made a map of desires - it worked! They offered a job with good prospects and a salary. You have to quit your old job. I worked for two days and panicked. I had to stay late at work, I was not ready for this - I was not ready not to see my daughter for so long. Although she had already gone to kindergarten. I found myself a bunch of excuses and reasons, and gave up this job. I went to the old one. And now I regret it very much. Naturally, there is no way back to a new job. A serious company, with its own security service, was checked when applying for a job in all industries. How to let go of this situation? I come back to that day every day and decide in favor new job... I understand that I am eating myself from the inside. I persuade myself that whatever is done is for the best for me. Straight cats scratch their souls.

Hello Svetlana. We must forgive ourselves and accept the situation as it is. You cannot return the past, so there is no point in returning mentally to that which disturbs your soul. The chance was good, but it will not be the last in your life. The child will grow up and with a "light heart" you will be able to devote time to looking for a new job and building a career. In fact, the fact that you have prioritized the upbringing of your daughter, the ability to see her grow up is very good, because not spending time with your baby at all is unacceptable. Family and children are the main objective, on which a person should spend all his strength.

Good afternoon. I am 45 years old. female. severe depression. at first my mother fell ill and I was so worried that I got achalasia of the cardia from my nerves, for two years I was suffocating and did not eat, because the food came out with vomit. had an operation. then the son graduated from school, was preparing to enter medical school. I was on unbearable nerves. the son entered. I came down with depression. I didn’t have the strength to work, I didn’t pick up the phone, I couldn’t sleep or eat, I was lying in a ball and all the time I was crying ... I didn’t want to see anyone. Anxiety started. I thought: he entered, and what if he doesn’t manage to study there. the mental pain did not leave me. I started drinking Prosulpin (when I was diagnosed with Achalasia of the cardia) I was prescribed Prosulpin. at first he helped me. 1 tab 50 mg. in the morning. They appointed him to drink all his life. But I felt a little better. I stopped drinking it. after drinking for two years. five more years passed .. I didn't have the strength to work, listen to music (if I listen to music, then some of the songs in my head drove me crazy all day. I could not get rid of it). Mom became seriously ill again. I held on. drank Prosulpin 50 mg again. in the morning. Thank God my mother felt better, but I felt really bad and, plus, I began to quarrel with my son a lot. or rather, he is with me. I am always in a bad state. he began to say: what is disgusting to look at me, I am not well-groomed, not combed, not made up. I can't bring myself to go outside, take my hand and talk to someone. I just don't want to. and it started killing me that my son would soon marry and leave home. I no longer have relatives, except for my son and parents. I began to be afraid of old age and loneliness. these thoughts haunt me. I feel very bad. I want to get away from these thoughts. be in the mood. there is. Cook. to wash the floors (I do not do it now. I can’t. I have no strength) for three days now I do not want to eat at all. I began to drink Phenibut (0.5 each) in the morning. I drink for a week, but anxiety, uselessness does not go away to anyone. Doctor help me. I don’t want to go to the doctor, there are simply no decent ones in Volgograd. or I'm afraid that I will be admitted to the hospital. and my son will never forgive me for this. Please help me. what pills should i drink? my height is 167 cm. weight is 78 kg. Gastritis.

Milana, Hello, how are you? Did you go to the doctor? You can call a psychologist to get started, but be sure to do something. We are with you!

Hello Milan, I really understand you. I myself am in a state of some kind of hell. I can’t sleep, nothing pleases me with apathy. Weakness from lack of sleep and lethargy. There is no work capacity, but all because of nervous stress that lasted three months and grew into a chronic one. Do not despair. Try to fight yourself. I also drank pills, but they only relieve symptoms and do not cure. And now pills do not save Phenazep and Grandax. I began to feel better after the prayers, but there is little faith in me that's why I suffer. The main thing is to believe that everything will be fine and it will be so.

But for me, the article teaches to be passive. if a person left you, then often your fault is in this, and here they offer to pout like a mouse on a rump, and no, not to discuss, not to try to establish, but while standing in a hole, dig it deeper together with your loved one, in order to for some nonsense and pseudo-pride, instead of clarifying the situation and evaluating yourself also critically, stand in a pose 2x, you are with me, golden, so then I am with you like this, "eye for eye, tooth for tooth, as in 1st class.

Hello! I have such a story. My name is A…. I am 30 years old. Briefly about myself, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I love sports, a positive person, was married, student love (they knew each other since 2006, and were married from 2011 to 2013, lived with my parents, saved up for their apartment, but she was tired of my father's drunkenness and she put me before a choice: “Either she or my parents.” I didn’t go after her - as a result of a divorce (February 2014), no children. I didn’t grieve much because my love for this woman was gone. Life goes on , began to get acquainted with other girls, talked, met. On October 11, 2014, my father dies (he was not an easy man, a military man, he drank a lot, there were not easy relations with him ...). And on November 22, 2014, he accidentally met a girl M. , she was 26, were sitting with a friend for coffee and were about to leave, but I decided to drop into the WC, and then a girl-waiter comes up to us and says: “Can a girl sit next to you?” We answered - “Yes, of course.” I come back from WC, and I invite her to go to the cinema, she says that she already went, then I asked for a phone and she gave it to me la.
The next day I called her and offered to go ice skating. Well, everything spun, spun: cinema, cafe. And during some conversation, she says that her birthday is October 31, 1988, (on this day my father was born in 1962), and I thought it was a sign from above.
She has her own apartment, the first intimacy with her is very fast (and this alarmed me, everything happened very quickly, but everything went as it was). About my marriage, I did not tell her, she did not ask. We spent the New Year together, I introduced her to my mother, she hadn’t introduced her to hers yet, she simply said that a young man had appeared. A trip to Dubai is planned for April 2015. In the middle of March we were having dinner, and she asked me about the past, and I told her that I was married. She immediately freaked out and started crying. It was on Sunday, spent the night and we parted for three days. On Wednesday I decided to go to her work and was waiting for her not far from work, and then an SMS comes in, she suggested that I meet. We sat in coffee, she was cold, sat on facebooke, said that if she didn’t want to be with me, she wouldn’t be sitting here. That evening we talked and talked about our exes (she said that she had three men, was not married, I had one, a previous wife ... Yes, I am such a man, one woman). As a result, the relationship improved. The trip to Dubai took place, everything went well. I gave her gifts, flowers, for no reason. I just wanted to make a person the happiest in the world, there were no gifts from her. Intimacy was regular, I gave her pleasure, went downstairs, she didn’t, she said that she had never done this, but I didn’t insist, I just accepted such a person as he was, and I loved her very much and she told me that she loved me. Then she went on a business trip to work in Moscow time, I came there, everything was fine. Then a trip to St. Petersburg. Everything was fine, they said that we love each other!
In June 2015 we buy a Dalmatian dog, who was 1 month old, he becomes like a child for us. We take care, practice and grow it. We walk and enjoy life.
In November 2015 I buy a car, joint choice, chose for a long time, she said that you don't want a car, she was nervous (of course I saved up for an apartment, but since I lived with her and everything went well, so I bought a car ... expensive, bought purely for my own money, I never took a penny from her at all). We are going to Europe with a dog to her sister.
In December 2015 we are going to Italy, mountains, Venice ... Ehhh ... it's just hard to remember all this, we just enjoyed life.
In February 2016, a conversation took place why I didn’t make her an offer (and I was ready to make it, but she doesn’t have patience, she needs everything at once), and on the same evening I buy her a ring, silver (she loves silver), flowers and I make an offer, she agrees! We tell our parents - everyone is happy, they didn’t talk about the wedding day.
A month passes, and she says that she does not like the ring, she wants an engagement. As a result, I buy her an engagement ring, but not right away.
In May 2016, she changes her job and moves to a more prestigious one, but at her previous job she needs to pay off the debt, the n-th amount of money and for six months we live on my salary, we buy plumbing tiles for repairs in her apartment, all for our own money, we think about children, about the future. They had already invented a name for the child, they wanted a girl. She had no projects in her new place of work for four months, it was hard for her and then they are offered a trip to Kazakhstan (6 weeks there, 2 weeks at home, throughout the year), we talked, she really wanted to go, she is interested in this work, we will communicate every day Viber, skype. On November 7, she left for Atyrau, I moved out of the apartment with the dog and repairs began.
There she began a different life, new colleagues, friends, going to cafes in the evening, trying Kazakh cuisine. I didn’t like it, but she said that everyone here is scary and that no one else is needed but me, everything will be fine with us. I sent her flowers to Atyrau, she said that she was the happiest in the world.
I believe in God (she is not), went to church, prayed that everything would be fine, so that no one would stand in front of us. In December, before NG, we spent a wonderful week in Astrakhan, but three days before departure, the dog ate my passport, although he could eat anything, shoes, clothes, but he just ate the passport and I needed to quickly restore it, I managed to do this, and this was the first bell that I did not pay attention to.
Under New Year she came home. Paid the full amount old job and she had no debts.
New Year with parents, everything is fine. On January 7, he leaves again for Atyrau for 6 weeks, the wedding is planned for September 9. We thought about travel, children, about the future of our family. And then just signs began ... I had a dream, as if we were in the same class, but she kisses a boy, then she is visiting him and says: “Let's get dressed quickly, I'm still with A ... (with me) walk ”(later I only found out that when I had this dream, she began to meet with him).
Then one day, she did not write to me during the day, she said that there was no money on the phone, and in the evening I felt so bad. My heart was pounding that I called myself an ambulance, although before that I had never called in 30 years (as it turned out, that day she met this person). I really feel this person. There were other signs ...
On February 17, she arrives from another business trip (for the first time in my life I didn’t buy her a bouquet of flowers, I just didn’t buy her) and I feel that she has changed. In the evening of the same day, she says that she is beginning to forget me, I ask her who has appeared, she says that there is no one. We decide to play a wedding now, to strengthen feelings, we buy rings, a dress, a suit.
February 24 wedding, parents only. We were happy together, there is a smile on her face, on my smile, parents are happy.
On the morning of February 25, I open my passport, and I have an empty stamp in my passport. There is a stamp, but her name is not inscribed. And I ran to write it in.
On March 6, she leaves again for Atyrau and we agreed to meet in Almaty on March 19, a mini honeymoon trip.
On March 19, I arrive, she flies from Atyrau to Almaty, and I see that the person is completely different, and I find out that she has another, and she fell madly in love, as never before in her life, they had sex. (And he has already left Atyrau and will not be there anymore) I am in shock, I flew to my wife 4000 km away, and she is like that to me. And in a panic I say that I am ready to forgive her, and she says that she wants to try it with him, like we have 2 years of such a life, and she and he wants to taste like candy. And he writes to her in parallel. So that she doesn't ruin her family for him. They spoke calmly, did not hit, did not call names. I take the dog to myself, I say, and she even looked nothing, although she loved him very much. I left the next day. And two days later he flew to her from his city L. And on April 14 she returned home.
A month from her silence, nothing at all. Communicated only with her parents, very much good relationship with them, what with the mother-in-law, what with the father-in-law
On April 14, I decided to meet her at the airport, and see the first glance after such a separation. And saw. Why did you come, I wanted to propose to meet in the evening. I took her to her parents. In the evening we met. He says that he is very sorry, asks her to forgive that she did so. And this man's first marriage (there is a child) did not take place, he has a second child (not planned) and he wants to restore this family, he does not promise anything to my wife. She says that she is not sure of him, does not trust, does not understand. And she is confident in me, trusts, knows that I will be a good father. When he wants to stay with me with me, but still wants to risk everything, put an end to his life and try with him, and he tells her that it is right to stay with me. The bottom line is different. And if she comes back to me, then only on her knees. Letting go, let him do what he wants, although it hurts at heart, tears everything inside.
The next day at 15:00 he sends SMS what he wants to do right choice, I broke up with him, and wants me to help her cope with this, she wants to make the right choice. I come to her, I say yesterday we parted, but today it’s like this ... That I am a man, not a stone ... In the end, together. We're going to pick up the dog from my mother, and go to her apartment.
For a week we have been trying to improve relations, but I see that she is cold to me, so no kiss. There was no intimacy, I asked her to be tested.
It was the second week, I see that he is not making contact at all. On April 29, I'll put it in her phone, and she's texting with him, I pack my things, I need time to forget it. We talked and she told me to leave that she could no longer hurt me. And the fact that she returned (for the pain she caused me), I must say thank you to her parents, who put pressure on her. When asked, tell me to my face that you do not love me, she says she loves, but not like I do her. I take the dog away, but she doesn't even want to hug, not to say goodbye to him. I'm leaving ...
Before leaving, I offered to meet, but she visited a psychologist, it became easier for her, she says that I let her go, I don't let her go, and finally she says that if I didn't know her parents, maybe it turned out differently ... It's my fault for ruining their nerves. Like this
Something like that. It hurts me, my soul is torn to pieces, because I have sincere feelings for this person. I understand that there is no point in trying to return, you need to be glad that this happened now, and never when there were children, but damn people ... It's just tin that I have inside ... If you can help with something, I will be grateful, thank you.

Ah .., now I understand that everything in my life is wonderful, except for financial well-being, of course. Since all breaks are mainly due to this. You acted honestly, and like a man, this should indicate that the problem of lack of honor and dignity has been resolved in your life. But it's harder for you to forget everything, since you have invested a lot in it. Trust, love, care. I want to say that only by living day after day can you forget all this. It will take a long time. Don't even try to do it right away.

And ... - Hello !. I, too, suffered the most to the point of insanity, acquired health problems. I turned to everyone and everything, studied the problem, tried to save myself. In general, in 2 words - the problem cannot be solved. I am still alive in the end, now I look at her and understand that I was in vain mad. I can answer any question in this area. I have infa from all directions - psychology, psychiatry, time, advice, analysis ... I want to tell you - that a person who is worried about parting is good man, what happened - don't blame yourself. It happened - you did not suit her. It is impossible to foresee and foresee everything. You are obliged to live 100%, only forward! Sadness and whining are not masculine. Women do not need frank whiners !! They need cool guys, i.e. strong in body, spirit, and wallet. Handsome men are not at all necessary. The fact that you have a tragedy is a fact. But you are ALIVE, not drunk, yes - your loved one is gone. Everything was and now is not. Your health is more important. Life has changed. You have gained invaluable experience, a lesson, you are injured. But only forward. Look for people to splash out your problem, go to psychologists, psychiatrists, friends, friends, dating agencies - there are a lot of options, to your parents. Time will pass very much. I had enough conversations with a psychologist for 2 ... 3 weeks of calming down - and so for a very long time. I realized one thing - weak, dull, limp, depressed, without money, without housing, without a car, without a job, without a prospect - you are not a candidate for a new successful acquaintance and love. Save your health - the past is irrevocable. Women are beautiful - and you will find your HAPPINESS. I could give advice for another week. Salvation depends on you. The power is in you.