Please accept my sincere condolences. Condolences for the funeral and commemoration

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We intuitively and subconsciously understand how to behave in joyful, easy life situations and festive events. But there are events of a tragic nature - death loved one, For example. Many are lost, faced with their unpreparedness for loss; for the majority, such events are beyond acceptance and comprehension.

People experiencing loss are easily vulnerable, acutely feel insincerity and pretense, their feelings are overwhelmed with pain, they need help to calm it down, accept, reconcile, but in no case add pain with an accidentally thrown tactless word, incorrect phrase.

You need to be able to show increased tact and correctness, sensitivity and condescension. It is better to remain silent, showing delicate understanding, than to inflict additional pain, hurt disturbed feelings, hook nerves overloaded with worries.

We will try to help you understand how to behave in a situation when the person next to you has suffered grief - the loss of a loved one, how to condole and choose the right words so that the person feels your support and sincere sympathy.

We must take into account the existing differences in condolences.

The form of expressing condolences for the loss will differ:

Grandparents, relative;
mother or father;
brother or sister;
a son or daughter - a child;
husband or wife;
boyfriend or girlfriend;
colleagues, employee.

Because the depth of experience differs.

Also, the expression of condolences depends on the severity of the grieving person's feelings about what happened:

Inevitable death due to old age;
inevitable death due to serious illness;
premature, sudden death;
tragic death, accident.

But there is the main thing general condition, regardless of the cause of the death that has occurred - the genuine sincerity of the expression of your grief.

The condolence itself should be short in form, but deep in content. Therefore, you need to find the most sincere words that accurately convey the depth of your sympathy and your willingness to provide support.

In this article, we will provide samples and examples. different forms expressions of condolences, we will help you find sorrowful words.

You will need:

Form and method of filing

Condolences will have distinctive features according to the form and method of presentation, depending on its purpose.

Purpose:

Personal individual condolences to family and friends.
Formal individual or collective.
Newspaper obituary.
Farewell words of mourning at the funeral.
Funeral words at the commemoration: for 9 days, for the anniversary.

Submission method:

The factor of timeliness is important, therefore, the postal delivery method should be used only for sending a telegram. Of course, the fastest way to send your condolences is to use modern communication tools: Email, Skype, Viber ..., but they are suitable for confident users the Internet, and such should be not only senders, but also recipients.

Using SMS to show sympathy and empathy is acceptable only if there are no other opportunities for contact with the person, or if the status of your relationship is distant acquaintance or formal friendship. Follow this link to get on different occasions.

Submission form:

In writing:

Telegram;
email;
electronic postcard;
an obituary is a mourning note in a newspaper.

In oral form:

In a telephone conversation;
when we will meet face to face.

In prose: Suitable for both written and oral expressions of grief.
In verse: Suitable for writing expressing grief.

Important accents

All oral condolences should be short in form.

It is more delicate to express formal condolences in writing. For this, a soulful verse is more suitable, to which you can pick up a photo of the deceased, the corresponding electronic pictures and postcards.
Personal condolences must be exclusive and can be expressed both orally and in writing.
For the most dear and close people, it is important to express or write sorrowful condolences in your sincere words, not formal, therefore, not stereotyped.
Since poems are rarely exclusive, exclusively yours, so listen to your heart, and it will tell you words of comfort and support.
Sincere should be not only the words of condolences, but also the offer of any help that is within your power: financial, organizational.

Be sure to mention the distinctive personal virtues and character traits of the deceased person that you would like to keep in your memory forever as an example: wisdom, kindness, responsiveness, optimism, love of life, hard work, honesty. ...

This will be an individual part of the condolences, the main part of which can be formulated according to the example proposed in our article.

Universal Mournful Texts

“Let the earth rest in peace” is a traditional ritual phrase that is uttered after the burial has taken place, it can be condolences at a commemoration, and is suitable even for atheists.
"We all mourn your irreparable loss."
"The indescribable pain of loss."
"I sincerely condole and sympathize with your grief."
"Please accept my deepest condolences on the death of a dear person."
"We will keep in our hearts the bright memory of a wonderful deceased person."

Help can be offered with these words:

“We are ready to share the brunt of your grief, be by your side and provide the necessary assistance to you and your family.”
“Surely, you will need to resolve many issues. You can count on us, accept our help. "

To the death of mom, grandmother

"The death of the closest person - mother - is an irreparable grief."
"The bright memory of her is forever in our hearts."
“How much we didn’t have time to tell her during our lifetime!”
"We sincerely grieve and condole with you at this bitter moment."
"Hold on! In memory of her. She would not want to see you desperate. "

To the death of her husband, dad, grandfather

“I offer my sincere condolences and express deep sympathy in connection with the death of a loved one who was reliable support to you and your family. "
"In memory of this strong man you must show perseverance and wisdom to survive this grief and continue what he did not have time to complete. "
"We will carry the bright and kind memory of him through our whole life."

To the death of a sister, brother, friend, loved one

“It is painful to realize the loss of a loved one, but it is even more difficult to come to terms with the departure of young people who have not known life. Everlasting memory!"
"Allow me to express my most sincere condolences on the occasion of this grievous, irreplaceable loss!"
“Now you have to become a support for your parents! Remember this and hold on! "
"God help you to survive and endure the pain of this loss!"
"For the sake of your children, their peace and well-being, you need to cope with this grief, find the strength to live and learn to look into the future."
"Death does not take love, your love is immortal!"
"Bright memory to a wonderful person!"
"He will forever remain in our heart!"

If you are at a distance, find out via SMS. Select the appropriate message and send to the addressee.

To the death of a colleague

“We have worked side by side for the past few years. He was an excellent companion and an example for young colleagues. His professionalism served as an example for many. You will forever remain in our memory as an example of life's wisdom and honesty. May the earth rest in peace to you! "
“Her / his dedication to her work earned her / him the respect and love of everyone who knew her / him. He / She will forever remain in my memory. "
“You have been a great employee and friend. How we will miss you. May the earth rest in peace to you! "
“I can’t come to terms with the idea that you are not there. It seems only recently we drank coffee, discussed work and laughed ... I will really miss you, your advice and crazy ideas. "

To the death of a believer

The text of condolences may contain the same mournful words as for a secular person, but Orthodox Christian should add:

Ritual phrase:

"Kingdom of heaven and eternal rest!"
"God is merciful!"

My dear, I very much empathize with your grief. My condolences ... Be strong!
- Friend, I mourn your loss. I know this is a hard blow for you and your family. I offer my sincere condolences.
- A wonderful man has left. My condolences to you, my dear, and to all your family in this sad and difficult moment.
“This tragedy has hurt all of us. But of course, she touched you the most. Accept my condolences.

How to give condolences in Islam (Muslims)?

It is sunnah to express condolences in Islam. However, it is undesirable for the relatives of the deceased to gather in one place to receive condolences. The main purpose of expressing condolences is to call people who have suffered adversity to patience and contentment with the predestination of Allah. The words that should be spoken when expressing condolences are: "May Allah grant you beautiful patience and may He forgive the sins of your deceased (your dead)."

How to give condolences over the phone?

In the case when words of condolence are pronounced over the phone, you can (but not necessarily) add briefly: “Let the earth rest in peace!”. If you have the opportunity to provide assistance (organizational, financial - any), then this phrase is convenient to complete the words of condolences, for example, “These days you will probably need help. I would like to be of service. Count on me to call at any time! "

How to deal with a bereaved person?

It is not necessary to grieve, cry with him, letting someone else's suffering pass through him. You will be much more effective in your help if you act rationally, deliberately. One way to deal with loss is to talk about it over and over again. This will react with strong emotions. You need to listen carefully to the person, answer his questions if necessary. Let the person express his emotions, experiences. It can be tears, anger, irritation, sadness. You do not give assessments, you just listen carefully, you are there. Tactile contact is possible, that is, a person can be hugged, taken by the hand, the child can be put on his knees.

Not 5

It should be understood that at the funeral a mourning speech is delivered, which is addressed to the entire circle of guests. The funeral is a rather difficult event and the relatives choose a person with good diction and who knew the deceased well.

If you read memorial speech, then you should not rely on improvisation, it is okay if you record your speech. Optimal time speech up to 5 minutes... You should not retell the entire biography of the deceased. The speaker must select the brightest, most important, good moments that expose all the best qualities of the deceased.

Since you personally knew the deceased, you can recall a kind deed, good words, or moments, and also emphasize how important this person was to you. At the end of the speech, they usually talk about what the deceased taught us, what benefit he did, that he did not live his life in vain.

It is impossible in mourning speech remember the shortcomings and bad deeds of the deceased, remember that and about bad man we can say good. For example, if a person was greedy, then we can say that although he did not always know how to share joy with others, he is an example for us how to be happy ourselves and achieve everything with our work! Thus, guests will learn about the deceased, about his busy life, good deeds.

Warm words warm the souls of guests and relatives, thus, the loss is more easily tolerated.

An example of composing a speech:

1. Appeal:

Dear guests [Name]!
-Dear relatives and friends!
-Dear family and friends of our beloved [Name]

2. Who you are:

I am the husband of our revered [Name].
-I am the sister of [Name] who is remembered by us today.
-We and [Name] have worked / served together for a long time / recent years.

3. How it all happened:

Mother was ill for a long time; we understood what would happen, but when they called us from the hospital ...
-When I found out that [Name] had died, that evening I could not think of anything else.
-Although grandfather lived long life, the death message struck me.
- Today is 9 days since my mother left us.
-A year ago we said goodbye to [Name], a respected and worthy person.

4. A few words about best qualities the deceased:

Grandma was the kindest person, often received guests in her cozy house in the village.
-She was very generous and her smile gave everyone a good mood.
-He was known as an optimist and a person with whom it is easy to go through life.
-He was a support for all of us, you could always rely on him in Hard time.

Remember that funeral speech must come from your heart, just take a pen and write about what is in your soul, describe the deceased. Better to let your speech be formally incorrect, but sincere, which will touch the hearts of the guests.

An example of a mourning speech here are few facts from life, but the speech was spoken from the heart:

Dear relatives and friends! I am the husband of our revered [Name] Having learned about the tragedy, for a long time I could not believe what had happened, the whole evening I could not think about anything and still it seems to me that this is just a dream.
Not many people know how pure and bright a person [Name] was. Already at the age of 18, she made her first journey, and this passion to see something new remained forever in her heart. On one of these trips we met, it was an unforgettable month in an unforgettable city.
We both considered ourselves free as birds, and did not want to tie the knot, but this acquaintance turned everything upside down. She was an incredibly kind and helpful person. Always helped to strangers, always took into account the opinions of others and avoided conflicts. I am glad that although so little, I was with her and was able to enjoy the purity, tenderness and feelings that [Name] gave me I will always remember you [Name] your warm smile will forever remain in our hearts!

What do they say at the commemoration?

At the commemoration, everyone can show their respect to the deceased. If you want to honor the memory of a loved one, prepare in advance, come up with a good toast or verse to stand at the memorial table and honor the memory of a loved one.

Before sitting down at the table, the deceased is honored with a minute of silence. The Orthodox begin the commemoration with the reading of Psalm 90 and the prayer "Our Father". The owner of the house invites guests to the table and people sit down without sitting on the empty seat allocated to the deceased.

First word is given to the owner of the house: -Today we saw off our loved one on the last journey (he calls him as it was customary in the family). May the earth rest for him / her and eternal memory. (Bows to the portrait or free space the deceased).

Everyone drinks (traditionally jelly). Without clinking glasses. Then the word is passed on to the presenter. The presenter also makes his speech, ending it with the words: - Let the earth be (calls the name and patronymic of the deceased) rest in peace, and eternal memory!

Then the mourning words allow the presenter to say to everyone from the old age to the minority: As a rule, these are toasts, at the end of which they say Let the earth be [Name] rest in peace, and eternal memory!

In memorial words, the use of aphorisms, favorite expressions of the deceased, stories from life is allowed. Any negative words, talk about bad features character, showdown.

Example: Friends, today is the day of sorrow. There was a time when we were merry and happy with the one who left us. But today you and I are drinking this cup of sorrow ourselves, having spent the last journey of a person close to us. Not everyone in the world was honored with dormition, like the Mother of God and other holy people. But we will preserve in our hearts a good memory of our friend, having the hope for the resurrection and for a new meeting in a new place. Let's drink the wine of sorrow for this!

Example: We are sad and sad And there are no other feelings. Let's remember all the parents, Let's remember all the relatives! Let us remember all those who have passed away, In the prime of their years, Brothers, sisters of the dead, Acquaintances and strangers! They once lived And made us happy, Laughed and loved, They took care of us. For a long time or recently They are no longer with us, And we tenderly bring a bouquet to the grave!

Or just cases from life, someone will remember how well he drew, someone, how they worked great together, and someone will tell about his good deed.

Example: “Our grandfather was very kind and a good man... His path was long and difficult. He perceived all the difficulties that befell the country as his own. He worked and raised children without complaining about the lack of benefits, lack of food or amenities. He raised children, was a support for his grandchildren. We will all miss this wonderful man very much. Blessed memory of him! "

You need to pronounce the memorial words while standing. After your commemorative words, the head of the family always ends your words with the phrase - Let the earth (calls the name and patronymic of the deceased) rest in peace, and eternal memory! Or for believers of the Kingdom of him / her heavenly and eternal rest.

When everyone speaks out, the head of the house thanks everyone for the kind words, once again wishes everyone to be strong in order to survive the bitterness of loss, to remain firm at all times. Everyone gets up, drinks, bows and sits down again. Traditionally, the last toast is made by the eldest woman in the family, or the eldest of the family. She also thanks everyone for coming and honoring the memory of the deceased and, if necessary, invites everyone to the next commemoration. After the last toast, they do not say goodbye, but bow to the portrait of the deceased (or to an empty seat at the table) and, at the exit, bring words of condolences to relatives.

How to express condolences over death?

What shouldn't be said? Often on such difficult days it is very difficult for us to formulate our thoughts and correctly express our condolences. We begin to speak general phrases, instead of simply supporting people dear to us in difficult times. Consider what is best not to say when expressing your condolences:

2. God has judged, for all the will of God, God took away. You cannot say such a phrase to a mother who has lost a small innocent child, thus you seem to say that God did this to them. Better to say that now man is in a better world.

3. How are you? No need to dryly ask your relatives how they are doing, if there is a need to maintain a conversation, it is better to ask how you feel? What's on your mind? However, if you are not a close person, then it is enough to inquire about the funeral itself, to ask if there is something that I can do for you.

4. Everything will be fine, don't cry! You should not try to cheer up the loved ones of the deceased with such expressions, after all, this is mourning and these days relatives most often want to think about today, not about the future.

5. Wishes oriented to the future do not relate to the words of condolences: "I wish you to recover faster after such a tragedy."

6. It is considered bad form to find positive moments in tragedy and devalue the loss. Nothing, give birth yet! He was very sick and, finally, was tortured! Remember that people have gathered here to honor the memory of the deceased.

7. You are not the only one like that, it can be worse, this is what happened with ... ..Such statements are tactless and do not help to alleviate the pain of loss.

8. You can't look for someone to blame. We hope this driver gets jailed! We hope this killer will be punished. Such statements also do not apply to words of condolence.

9. “You know, he drank a lot and was a drug addict, they don’t last long.” Such statements are also tactless, about the dead, or good or nothing.

10. Questions "How and where did this happen?" and others, it is also inappropriate to ask for condolences.

Oral condolences to the loved ones of the deceased

The most important thing is that your words of condolence are sincere and heartily. For example, if you did not know the deceased and his relatives well, then a simple handshake or hug with the words of condolences to your loss will be enough. The same applies to people who simply do not have words or only two words, my condolences to you. You can simply hug, take by the hand, put your hand on the shoulder, thereby showing that you sincerely sympathize and share your grief with the family of the deceased.

It is considered good form to offer help, ask if I can do something for you? Most often, they will politely answer you, no thanks, not worth it. But if help is really needed, then it can be help in preparing dishes for the commemoration, in submitting notes to the church for holding church liturgies for the deceased, and even financial assistance.

How do I find words of condolence on a death?

To make it easier to express your condolences, think about the deceased, who he was to you, remember good cases from life, his actions and joint affairs. Also think about the feelings of the family members, how hard it is for them, how they feel. This will help you find words for condolence.

If you feel guilty about something in front of the deceased, your sincere apology will be good form, because condolences are both forgiveness and reconciliation. You do not need to squeeze words out of yourself, if they are not there, then just come up and sincerely say how you condole, in your eyes, and so everything will be visible. Below are the examples of words of condolences:

He meant a lot to me and to you, I grieve with you. Let it be a consolation for us that he gave so much love and warmth.

Let's pray for him. There are no words to express your sorrow.

She meant a lot in your life and mine. We will never forget…

It is very difficult to lose such a dear person. I share your grief. How can I help you? You can always count on me.

I'm sorry, my condolences. If I can do something for you, I will be very glad.

I would like to offer my help. I would gladly help you ...

Unfortunately, in this imperfect world, you have to experience this. He was a bright person whom we loved. I will not leave you in your grief. You can count on me any minute.

This tragedy affected everyone who knew her. You, of course, are now the hardest of all. I want to assure you that I will never leave you. And I will never forget her.

Please, let's walk this path together. Unfortunately, I only now realized how unworthy were my arguments and quarrels with this bright and dear person.

Forgive me! I grieve with you. This is a huge loss. And a terrible tragedy. I pray and will always pray for you and for him.

It is difficult to express in words how much he did me good. All our disagreements are dust. And what he did for me, I will carry through my whole life. I pray for him and grieve with you. I will be happy to help you at any time.

We all know that life does not stand still, some leave it, others come into this world. Each of us was faced with the fact that someone with friends or relatives was dying, so all normal people consider it necessary to support a person in this difficult moment, express his condolences, help with something. But it is not always possible to do it personally, you need to write a letter of condolence. How to write a letter of condolence let's try to figure it out, because this must be done carefully so as not to cause even more suffering, not to hurt, not to offend.

Oral condolences to the grieving person

This is the most common way to express condolences. Oral condolences are expressed to acquaintances, relatives, neighbors, colleagues, friends, those who are closest to the deceased, family ties... Condolences are orally expressed at commemorations, funerals in person.

For expressions of oral condolences, most important condition- it should not be empty and formal, condolences must be spoken with sincere sympathy and an open soul. Otherwise, condolence becomes a formal empty ritual, which does not help the grieving person, but on the contrary adds even more pain. And in our time, unfortunately, this happens quite often. Therefore, it is important to express oral condolences as sincerely as possible, and not to speak false and empty words in which you do not feel warmth.

To verbally express sympathy, consider the following:

Feel free to express your feelings;
You should know that condolences are not only expressed in words. It happens that it is simply impossible to find suitable words, but condolences can be expressed by a simple touch to the grieving person, hug, take the hand;
When expressing condolences, it is very important not only to find comforting, sincere words, but also to support these words with an offer of all possible help.

Therefore, when you express your condolences, do not hesitate to ask the grieving person what you can do to help in this situation. This will add sincerity and weight to your condolences.

How to find the right words for condolence

It is not always easy to choose the exact, sincere, correct words to express condolences. How to choose them correctly? There are some rules here.

At all times, people prayed before how to express condolences... This is important, because in this situation it is difficult to find kind words... Prayer calms, helps to find sincere words. We recommend that you pray before expressing condolences. This will not take much time, you can pray anywhere, in any place, it will not cause harm, but it will bring a lot of benefit.

In addition, we can have a grudge against the person to whom we express condolences. It is the innuendo and resentment that prevent you from sincerely expressing words of consolation. So that this does not interfere, you need to forgive those you are offended in prayer, and then necessary words will find themselves.

To express condolences, you need to remember the good moments from the life of the deceased, something good that the deceased did for you, remember what he was able to teach you, the joys he brought you. This will make it much easier to find the right words.

What you can't say when expressing condolences

Let us examine the most common mistakes made by those who try to support the bereaved in some way, thereby risking causing even more severe mental pain.

As stated earlier, the most important condolence should not be formal. You must try not to write or speak general, insincere words. In addition, when expressing condolences, it is important that tactless, meaningless, banal and empty phrases do not sound. It should be noted that, trying in any way to comfort a person who has lost a loved one, one can make gross mistakes that can become a source of disappointment, resentment, aggression, misunderstanding on the part of the suffering person. The fact is that a grieving person psychologically in the shock stage of grief feels, perceives and experiences everything in a different way. Therefore, to express condolences correctly, the main thing is to avoid major mistakes.

A few common phrases that are not recommended when expressing condolences.

It is impossible to "comfort" the future

If a child has died, you cannot say: "Time will pass, you will still have children." If the husband died - "You are beautiful, you will still arrange your life and get married." For a grieving person, these are completely tactless statements. At this time, he is usually not interested in prospects for the future, he is experiencing a heavy loss. Therefore, such "consolation" which gives hope to the grieving, in reality, is terribly stupid and tactless.

"Everything will pass, do not cry"- people who utter such words of "sympathy" are given absolutely wrong attitudes to the grieving person. With these attitudes, a grieving person may think crying is bad. And this can negatively affect the somatic, psycho-emotional state of the bereaved. But if the person already more than a year constantly crying, then this is a reason to turn to specialists, but if several months have passed since the moment of loss, then such a state of the bereaved is quite natural.

"Everything's gonna Be Alright, do not worry"- an empty statement that the person who is giving condolences presents as optimistic and giving hope to the person who is grieving. It should be understood that a person experiencing grief perceives this statement in a completely different way. On the this moment he does not see good, much less strive for it. The sufferer has not yet mourned the loss, has not resigned himself to it, and cannot imagine his life without a dear and close person. Consequently, such senseless optimism would rather irritate him than help and calm him down.

"Time heals" is another banal phrase that neither the person who utters it nor the grieving person can understand. Alms, deeds of mercy, good deeds, prayer, God can heal the soul, but not time. A person can get used to and adapt over time. In any case, it makes no sense to the grieving person. For him, time has stopped, the pain is still too acute, and as long as he is experiencing a loss, he does not make plans for the future, he does not believe that time can change anything.

You cannot discount the loss and find positive moments in the tragedy.

Instilling positive conclusions from loss, rationalizing the positive aspects of death, devaluing the loss by finding some benefit for the one who died, or something positive about the loss - often the grieving person is also not comforting. From this, the pain of loss does not become weaker, the person perceives what happened as a catastrophe.

“He was seriously ill, his torment was over. It will be better for him "- it is best to avoid such phrases. On the part of the grieving person, this can cause rejection and aggression. Even if the grieving person agrees with this statement, the pain of loss does not become easier for him. He also painfully and acutely experiences the pain of loss.

When expressing condolences, the following phrases are often heard: "It's hard, but you still have children", "It's good that the mother did not suffer"... It is not worth saying to a grieving person. In such expressions, arguments are made that the pain from peri cannot relieve. Of course, he understands that everything could be much worse, but even this cannot comfort him. The mother cannot replace the deceased father, and the second child cannot replace the first. Anyone understands that it is impossible to console a fire victim by the fact that the car remained, even though the house was burnt down.

You can't look for the "extreme"

Expressing condolences, in no case should one mention or say that death could have been prevented in some way: “I should have sent him to a doctor,” “I should have paid more attention to the symptoms,” “This might not have been possible. happen if he stayed at home, ”and so on.

Usually, such statements in the person who is suffering from grief create additional feelings of guilt, and this can negatively affect his psychological state in the future. This is a fairly common mistake and those who write a letter of condolences. The reason for this is that we are doing in this situation to find the "extreme", "guilty" of death.

Another attempt to find the "guilty one" instead of to express condolences, are the following statement expressions: "The police will find the murderer and will certainly punish him", "Such doctors should be tried", "This driver should be prosecuted or even killed" etc. Such judgments (unfair or fair) shift the blame onto a third party. But solidarity in bad feelings for the "extreme" will in no way help alleviate the pain of loss. You do not need to pronounce such phrases, they can kindle aggression, condemnation and hatred in a grieving person. Speak or write a letter of condolence it is only necessary with words of sympathy for the grieving one. You can also say or write good words in relation to the deceased.

Another expression that is quite common is: "God gave, God took." In reality, it in no way can console the suffering person, but, on the contrary, for the death of a person shifts the blame onto God. A grieving person in this state is not interested in the question of who is to blame for the death of a loved one. In the worst case, such an expression can cause unkind feelings and aggression towards God in a person.

"You know, he liked to drink a lot", "He sinned a lot, that's why it happened", "He loved drugs, and this is a natural end for the People's Commissar"... Sometimes people expressing condolences try to find the extreme, the guilty one in the behavior, actions, lifestyle of the deceased. In such cases, unfortunately, the desire to find someone to blame prevails over elementary ethics and over human reason. There is no need to remind the grieving person of the deceased's shortcomings, this not only does not comfort, but also makes it worse, the tragedy becomes more tragic, the grieving person feels even more guilty, which causes even more pain.

I would like to note that "consolation" by assessment, condemnation when expressing oral condolences or in a letter of condolence is categorically unacceptable. To prevent this, you must always remember that "About the dead, either nothing, or only good."

More mistakes that often occur when expressing condolences

The phrase: “I understand how difficult and difficult it is for you” is the most common mistake. It is not true when you say that you know and understand the emotions of the other person. Even if you were in a similar situation, and experienced similar feelings, you are still wrong. Each person is an individual, therefore, everyone's feelings are different. Do not compare feelings, you cannot experience the same as the grieving person. Be tactful and respectful of the bereaved's feelings.

In a letter of condolence, as well as in an oral condolence, it is strongly discouraged to ask questions such as: "How did this happen?", "Did he say something before his death?" etc. This is tactless curiosity, not condolence.

It is also bad when, trying to express condolences, people begin to cite themselves as an example of how they experienced the tragedy: "I felt bad too, but I did it", "I almost lost my mind when my mother died" etc. In some cases, it can help when your loved one is suffering and you have a great desire to support and help him. But generally, to show your sadness, you shouldn't talk about your grief.

Dos and Don'ts with a Grieving Person

Do not take it personally if the grieving person refuses the help offered or is unwilling to talk. It should be understood that at this stage the grieving person may be passive, inattentive and not always treat the situation correctly. Therefore, do not rush to draw conclusions, be merciful to him, wait for his condition to return to normal.

It cannot be ignored, and they will distance themselves from the person, thereby depriving him of their support. A person who is in grief may perceive it in such a way that you do not want to communicate with him, as a negative attitude towards him, rejection. If you are shy and afraid to appear intrusive, take into account the griever's feelings and try to explain to him.

You cannot leave the situation and be intimidated by intense emotions. It is not uncommon for people who sympathize to be frightened by the atmosphere around them, by the strong emotions of those who are grieving. But in no case should you distance yourself from these people and show that you are scared. Grieving people may also misunderstand this.

Condolences - rules and etiquette

About the death of a loved one, according to the rules of etiquette, they notify not only relatives and close friends, who often take part in organizing funerals and commemorations, but also old acquaintances and comrades. How to express condolences- to visit relatives or participate in a funeral? It all depends on the level of your closeness to this family and on your capabilities.

If you cannot attend the funeral ceremony, then you must definitely express your condolences. It is better to pay your visit not for the first time days after the funeral, but during the first few weeks. When going on a condolence visit or to a funeral, wear a dark suit or dress. When making a condolence visit, you do not need to discuss issues that are not related to death, discuss work problems, tactlessly remember funny stories talking on extraneous topics. If, for some reason, a person cannot pay a personal visit, then it is imperative to write a letter of condolence, send an SMS, email or telegram.

Condolence letters can be divided into three groups:

Group one- letters informing about the death of a loved one. As a rule, they are sent to friends and relatives of the deceased.

Second group- consolation letters. They are the answer to the letter of the first group.

Third group- a letter-answer to a consolation letter. An integral part of funeral etiquette and written communication.

Condolence letter. How to write a letter of condolence- it all depends on your sincerity and your real desire to support a person in a difficult period of life. Showing condolence is more an element of etiquette than an open need to show empathy.

Sample Death Condolence Letter

It is always difficult to convey condolences over loss sincerely and tactfully. Especially if you have to do it in person. There are certain forms of etiquette, thanks to which communication will go smoothly, despite the tragedy of the moment. We hope our tips will help you stand up and show your best sides.

Examples of words of condolence

To find the right expressions, you need to collect your thoughts and look inside yourself.

Don't try to hide behind dry clichés, but don't be overly emotional either. Never use swear words in speech.

If you have to express condolences in writing, avoid exclamation marks. Be short and straightforward - the person is gone forever, and this cannot be hidden by any softening expressions.

How official your appeal will be depends on the specific case, but it is imperative to end it with a question, how you could help.

In both writing and speaking, you can use the following text as an example:

“A wonderful person is gone. I send my condolences to you and all your family in this sad and difficult moment ”;
“I mourn your loss. I know that this is a heavy blow for you ”;
“I was told that your brother is dead. I am very sorry and I send you my condolences ”;
“I want to express my deep regret for the death of your father. If I can help you, please let me know. "

When it is customary to express condolences

Time, like words, also matters. You should be tactful with the loved ones of the deceased.

Usually, those who want to express regret over someone's death are worried about two points: will I prevent the mourners and will it not be too late (not too early) to turn now?

The first point is psychological. It happens that there is no experience in such conversations, or you are afraid to enter a house that death has recently visited, or you did not get along with his family during the life of the deceased ... Most often, people just harass themselves, feeling that they have to come or call, but are afraid to see someone else's grief and do not know how to behave in such a situation.

The second point relates to moral behavior. Is it possible to call the family of the deceased as soon as you find out the black news? Is it worth waiting for the funeral to support his family there? And if you were not invited to either the funeral or the commemoration, when will you show up with condolences? Will it be late in a week?

No matter how difficult and scary it may be for you, you should show up or call when you feel that this is expected of you. For example, a friend, relative, or neighbor needs consolation. In addition, if you know that your presence or several good words on the phone they will encourage a person, you should do it according to the principle "if not me, then who."

You may not be best friends Perhaps you have not been to this family for a long time, but sometimes support is needed from outsiders, especially if the grieving person is lonely and unprotected. These can be pensioners, widows, orphans, young mothers with an infant, or simply reserved people who find it difficult to count on help.

Don't be overly embarrassed. Even if you are received detached or asked to be shorter and leave, then at least your behavior will be correct.

Still, most mourners need and expect visitors and calls. If you are close to them, call as soon as you hear about the grief. If they are not very close, the arrival or call in the first three days after the funeral will be more formal.

After a maximum of a week, it is customary to bring condolences from employees from work, and if you contact us even later, prepare a short excuse (they didn’t know, they were in another country, etc.).

What shouldn't be said

The worn-out phrases that you can get off with if a friend just has another trouble are categorically not suitable during the period of grief for the deceased.

To avoid hurting the bereaved person, you should avoid common mistakes:

Do not call "No need to cry", "Calm down", "Stop grieving." A person should not feel guilty for their grief. Otherwise, he will simply think that you did not appreciate his grief and do not want to see him in tears and sadness.
Do not comfort yourself with words like "Think of yourself", " You are not dead yet"," You will find another "," You still have children". Such phrases also devalue the loss, taking away the right to grieve for the deceased. Consider that even if the widow does manage to get married again, now is not the time to think about replacing her deceased spouse. Even if he was not exemplary, it doesn't matter.
Do not judge the deceased with the alleged consolations of the " He shouldn't have been drinking / smoking / undergoing surgery», « We felt it would end badly», « Workaholics burn out fast" or " Drug addicts always have a sad end". The reaction to your words will be fair anger, because death erases all the mistakes of the deceased. Death may be the result of his addictions, but this is always too heavy a retribution, from which it hurts now the relatives of the deceased. They have no time for your consolations and condemnations.
Don't lie that you know how the grieving person is right now. Even if you suffered a loss at one time, it is correct to talk about it with those who have already gone through all the stages of sadness. With these words, you can try to get closer to a stranger in order to inspire more trust, they say, you are united common grief... But right after the funeral, it is impossible to talk about your similar grief - for the grieving person this is still an unlived experience, and such consolations are only annoying.
Phrase " There are those who are even harder now"Is simply murderous for orphans, widowers and widows, for those who have lost a friend or brother. The usual reaction to this is: “ I am none the better for it!"Is absolutely fair. Save this phrase for those who whine about problems, so to speak, without knowing life. After the funeral, this is inappropriate.

Finally, without even knowing how to correctly express your condolences in words, you can do it from the heart - just by your silent presence. When trouble comes to the house, we need each other even without words. Do not leave loved ones and acquaintances alone with your grief!

People can write obituaries to our newspaper. Question: can the word "condolence" be used in the plural? For example, the management and the trade union committee of the enterprise express their sincere condolences over the death of an employee. And more to this topic: is it possible to use the phrase "in connection with the death"?

Combination express their sincere condolences to with shape plural completely correct.
Combination in connection with the death correct, but the preposition in connection with better to replace.


	Question No. 274553

Good afternoon.
"I offer my deepest condolences to the families and friends of the victims."
Can the verb "bring" be used in relation to "condolences"? Or is it better to express?