How to understand that you miss a person. How to understand if we miss a person because he is important to us, or we are just lonely

How many times have we said this seemingly harmless and touching phrase to our loved ones, friends and relatives. Believing that it speaks of our love and will be pleasant to the one to whom it is addressed. Some lovers, not yet parted, repeat to each other: "I already miss you." They think it is a manifestation of love. In fact, this harmless phrase testifies not to love, but to emotional dependence. And if it is repeated too often and becomes an obsession, then this is a signal. Something urgently needs to be done!

Let's try to translate this phrase into the language of logic. When you say “I miss you!”, you sign your own impotence to occupy yourself with something. It is as if you are tying your loved one to your own person with strong ropes. And he involuntarily tenses up, now he needs to do something about it to dispel your boredom. That is, you emotionally cling to him, tie him to you. In other words, you manipulate them. What does he do? Sometimes it flies to you on the wings of love and brings big bouquet consolation and surprises. But sometimes, especially when he does not have time, money or desire, he fences himself off from you, not wanting to take on such a responsibility: to disperse your boredom. He himself would have been consoled, supported and brought out of the state of sadness.

In principle, there is nothing wrong if we sometimes say to each other "I miss you!" This is normal, natural and natural. Only if it does not acquire hypertrophied forms.

What is an emotional dependency?

Here is how the psychological dictionary writes about it:

Emotional dependency is the loss of personal autonomy (or a sense of personal autonomy) for emotional reasons. At the same time, the subject of this dependence,

Firstly, experiences suffering due to either the inaccessibility of the object of his feelings, or the inability to change his behavior, or the presence of inadequate power of the object over him;
Secondly, feels the impossibility of liberation from addiction;
third, finds himself under the chronic negative influence of the feelings that bind him to his life path, general well-being, decision-making and behavior

Indeed, when we enter into a close relationship with someone, we unwittingly fall into emotional dependence. He has a bad mood - and it spoils with you, he worries - and for some reason you begin to experience excitement. And so on ad infinitum, like communicating vessels. Many believe that this is natural and normal, because close people are communicating vessels that mutually influence each other, supporting each other in a state of balance.

But, you see, we cannot always be near a loved one and be in the same spiritual disposition. Sometimes we are visited by fatigue, irritation, satiety with relationships and other, at first glance, negative manifestations of our character or psyche. But with a close emotional connection, all of ours are immediately reflected in the one who is nearby, if he is emotionally dependent on us. This is actually a huge responsibility, which many people seriously annoy. After all, if they miss you, then being nearby, you should break into a cake, but cheer, increase vitality, maintain interest, be cheerful, inventive, empathic, etc. You can go crazy how much "should"! Isn't it better to get rid of it and go free swimming without all these "shoulds". This is how even the strongest emotional bonds are broken. And this notorious “I miss you!” is to blame!

Imagine a girl who cannot live without her beloved, endlessly pesters him with her emotional presence, demands attention, support, emotional charging, etc. And suddenly she is rejected by him. You never know. Maybe he was tired of being for her a heating pad, a vest and an amusing clown. Maybe he just wanted to live his own, cut off from her whims and whining, tenderness and snot, control and leadership of life. And now she was left alone with her boredom.

"I miss!" she yells at him in text messages and Skype. "I miss!" yells on Instagram and Facebook.

The one to whom this phrase is addressed cannot be envied. But much more worrying is the one who yells, that is, falls into an emotional dependence on another person. It is quite difficult to get rid of it, since it lies deep in the subconscious of a person and is most often associated with childhood, in which the emotional ties of the child with parents and loved ones were broken.

Emotional dependence can occur not only between lovers, but also between parents and children, between friends, relatives, sometimes neighbors, and even between a seller and a buyer in a supermarket. And this happens because at some certain stage and in certain circumstances the person with whom we are in contact makes up for some actual emotional deficiency for us. For example, you always lacked kind words to your address from mom, dad, brother, friend. And now a person appears in your life who generously crumbles in compliments and affectionate nicknames. He endlessly confesses his love to you and satisfies your thirst to hear affectionate words of praise addressed to him. And that's it, you're already hooked. You are ready to do everything so that he is always next to you and always tells you these sweet, not always sincere words. Sometimes, of course, you doubt their veracity. But you don't want to destroy your illusion. You are pleased. You are glad to be deceived, because "the darkness of truths is dearer to us than the uplifting deception."

But such relationships are doomed to die sooner or later, because they are not based on reality, but on your dependence on the positive emotion caused by the words of this person. He manipulates you to some extent. Consciously or unconsciously. Yes, it is not difficult to manipulate you, because, without knowing it, you fall into the category of victimized individuals (people who tend to be victims) who suffer without doping attention and love.

When an Emotional Relationship Occurs

As a rule, we become emotionally dependent on other people during difficult periods of our lives. When we urgently need someone who would bring us back to normal life, comfort, help. It happens:

at turning points in life(loss of family, job, death of a loved one, breakup of relationships, etc.);
during the transition to new stage life(graduation, relocation, new job, marriage, sex change, etc.);
during overload(delivery of a quarterly report, project, exams, deadline, holidays, emergency in one or another area of life);
when we are sick;
when we are far from home, from the usual life (on vacation, in, in prison, at a conference).

When we become emotionally vulnerable, we seek an outlet. This protective function our psyche can play a trick on us if during this period we develop close intimate ties with someone who can use our vulnerability for their own purposes. And for ourselves, we must understand that very often our passionate love that flared up at the resort is just the need of our psyche to feel safe in an unfamiliar environment. As soon as we return to the usual rhythm of life, it fades and gradually fades away. If of course there was in a simple way worry compensation, not the love of your life.

Most often, people fall into the traps of emotional dependence:

dependent waiting and demanding control and guidance;
problem personalities with a bunch of debts, unresolved issues, protracted conflicts;
people, occupying a socially dependent position child, pupil, student, subordinate.

Whom can they become addicted to?

From a boss, a despotic family member, a dishonorable lover;
from a consultant, seller, distributor, guru, sectarian, preacher;
from teacher, parent, husband, more.

How to avoid emotional traps?

The first remedy is to realize that you have become emotionally addicted. As soon as you give yourself an account of this, you will understand that it is stupid to call your loved one every five minutes to let him know how much you miss him. Perhaps it will be difficult for you not to do this, and you will experience furious anxiety why he does not call, why he does not write, has he really forgotten about you. But it will pass.

In order not to be bored, take yourself to the eyeballs so that you don’t even have time to think about the subject of your emotional addiction. It is better that it be an all-consuming and interesting activity. Even good book or a new movie can save you from longing for someone you miss so much.

Become a more independent person. Minimize dependencies of various kinds. If it is still difficult to get rid of material dependence, be a person of independent thinking. Do not lose your mind, have your own needs, desires. Develop as a person. Learn to take responsibility for your actions.

Become an empathic person for those around you, not just for the one you depend on. Empathy - conscious empathy emotional state another man. An empath is a person who is capable of empathy. By redirecting yourself from yourself to others, you will feel relieved. Let others depend on you rather than you on them. Although, no, give them freedom and give freedom to yourself - this is the most the right way avoid persistent emotional dependencies.

One of the most common reasons why people miss not only other people, but also different places and things - it's a habit. This is how the human psyche is designed to strive for stability. Therefore, when a person sees someone every day or regularly, communicates with him, spends time together, he gets used to it. And if for some reason this communication is interrupted for a long time or completely, something like breaking occurs, a person feels emptiness inside himself - after all, this space was previously occupied by someone.

People, especially those who tend to become attached, may feel out of place for some time and miss even those colleagues whom they disliked, but then they are safely forgotten. This indicates that it is not at all necessary to have love or sympathy in order to miss someone.

In addition, communication with other people often helps not to feel alone. A person who is accustomed to sharing the details of his life and experiences with someone, even being alone with himself, can mentally conduct dialogues with him. In the event of a sudden separation, he may suddenly feel lonely.

Striving for Diversity

Another reason is that people complement and fill each other's lives with different things that only they can bring, due to their individuality. Everyone thinks and behaves differently, and no matter how similar two people are, no two people are the same. So it's natural to miss the novelty and variety, the unpredictability that others bring to life.

Love or Addiction

And, finally, the feeling of deep closeness with someone and love - for your child, parent, brother or sister, spouse, friend, that makes you bored. when a person is a part of the life of another and one of the factors of personal happiness. In such cases, people want to know where their loved ones are, how they spend their time, want to give care to them and receive it in return.

However, such feelings should not be confused with dependence on someone. In this case, the person is selfish and more thinks about himself. When he is bored, he feels inferior and worries about how this separation affects him, while he is much less concerned about how the object of affection is doing. Such a person may be bored because of his possessive instinct.

The feeling of separation from a loved one can cause strong emotional distress, but people cannot always put it into words. More often than not, there are reasons for this.

Why are people silent about their feelings

People differ in different sensitivity to certain life situations, one of which is separation. Even if you miss someone close to you a lot, they may not feel the same way about you. Perhaps the reason lies also in the amount of time during which you did not see each other. Some begin to get bored immediately after a breakup, while others - after a few days, weeks or even years.

Sometimes the fact that a person close to you does not experience feelings of separation or prefers not to express it in words, in fact, indicates that he does not have counter feelings towards you. Perhaps it is a long separation that will help you find out how he really feels about you. However, one should not draw hasty conclusions, since the reason for this behavior may be different.

Some people are shy and inhibited in communication, so even if a person misses you, he may just be too shy to admit it. Perhaps you are not yet close enough to speak such sensual words to each other. After a while, when you get to know each other better, you will be able to communicate on any topic, including your mutual feelings.

In some situations, it may simply not be possible for a person to contact you to say "I miss you." Perhaps he ran out of funds on his phone, or the Internet was turned off for non-payment. Some may fall into difficult situations at work or at school, when you have to work hard. In this case, there is no time left for conversations. If you know what's up loved one this is how things are, treat it with understanding and wait a bit. Over time, he will definitely contact you and tell you that he missed you a lot.

Take matters into your own hands

It is possible that in your case everything is the opposite - you yourself experience difficulty in saying “I miss you” to a loved one, for example, for one of the reasons described above. If you value your relationship, don't keep those feelings to yourself. Tell about them to someone who is dear to you, anyone possible way. Rest assured, he will be very pleased to hear this from you, and, most likely, he will say that he also misses you very much and looks forward to meeting you. Subsequently, you will get used to such communication and will definitely become closer to each other.

Sometimes it is so important to know that a dear and beloved person, even being away, thinks of you. It's nearly impossible to get someone to do it, but you can try your best to stay on their mind for a long time without making them feel annoyed.

Instruction

First of all, to make a person bored, it is necessary to disappear from his life for a while. If you are constantly nearby, then it is quite natural that no one will miss you. Of course, it is not at all easy - to voluntarily leave a loved one. human. But only in this way will you give him enough space and time so that he has time to realize your absence and how much he needs you.

Be busy all the time or just pretend if it's not really. The next time you talk to your partner and ask him what you're doing now, don't give a direct answer, but just laugh it off or tell him about some funny story that happened to you in Lately. Thus, you will immediately kill two birds with one stone: show that you are cheerful, easy man and also demonstrate the richness of your life. After that, your chosen one has no choice but to decide that you are very interesting person and it would be quite nice to spend more free time with you.

During dates, ask about some pleasant memories, but only about those that bind you together. For example, say, “Do you remember the last time we were at the beach, you did an incredible beautiful castle from sand?". Just do not go to extremes and spend the whole free evening occupied with memories. However, periodically reminding about pleasant moments together, you give a person the opportunity to think about how many good things unite you.

If you do not live together, then a good way to make a man remember you more often would be to inadvertently “forget” some of his little things: a comb, an earring, a CD. Every time he “bumps” into her in his apartment, he will involuntarily think about you. The main condition is that a strategically forgotten thing should not need an urgent return (keys, wallet, mobile phone).

But perhaps the most effective way force human to be bored is to be the soul of the company, next to you it should always be easy and fun. If you and your partner have a great time, do not quarrel over trifles, then in any case, during a forced separation, he will miss you and think only of you.

Sources:

how to make him miss me

Ernest Hemingway wrote years ago: “Work is the best medicine from all troubles." And so far, no one has been able to refute this idea. Many people are saved in labor from various experiences, they find their realization in this and forget about problems.

Instruction

Work is an opportunity to change your life. It takes time, which in loneliness is very much. It allows you to make days, evenings more intense, not devoid of meaning. A person consciously devotes himself to work so as not to feel sadness and regret from the absence of something else. At the same time, he can change his life, because all this increases income, which changes the quality of existence.

Interest in work also leads to the growth of professionalism. Often, work becomes not just a duty, but a hobby. A person begins to improve in this, acquires more and more knowledge, performs for himself interesting discoveries. In this case, the ability to work makes him active and purposeful. Interest from the personal sphere shifts to the creation of something. Lonely people often easily move up the career ladder, occupy leading positions in the company, and earn solid capital. There is a replacement of some values for others, and this does not deprive a person of joy, but brings meaning to his existence.

Any person needs emotions, experiences, communication. If there is no society in personal life, if relatives do not make life interesting, a person begins to look for his environment. Of course, there are various organizations where you can look for like-minded people, but it can be difficult. But at work there are always people who do one thing. At the same time, you don’t need to get acquainted, look for a reason to start a conversation, or come up with some words, you can discuss the process of creating a product or service, you can talk about bosses, colleagues, plans for the future. Ease of making contacts is very important for many, introverted people cannot easily find mutual language Therefore, work for them is also a place of social contacts.

If a person is suddenly left alone, he experiences negative experiences from which it is difficult to hide. Unaccustomed state presses, infuriates. To survive this pain, you need to find something to do, you need to do something so that both hands and head are involved. If you have a hobby, it helps, but if you don’t have it, then it remains only to go where you can realize something. It is difficult to look for a new hobby in a difficult period, but at work everything is clear and definite. Sometimes it is an opportunity to hide from experiences, a way to distract from external events.

A person wants to be needed by someone, this is an internal need. And if there is no family, if there are no children, then this state is not satisfied. A person always worries when he realizes that he is not valuable to someone. And at this moment, he begins to look for those people, the space where he will come in handy, often this is a place of work. This is a way to satisfy the need to be necessary, in lonely people it is very pronounced. For some, even the loss of their place in the enterprise can be very difficult and emotionally comparable to the death of a friend.

Steps

Actions in the short term

Keep track of the days. Cross off the past days on the calendar and each time congratulate yourself on the next day you have lived. Always focus exclusively on the current day. The absence of a loved one will change the course of your life somewhat. When you are forced to manage everything alone, it is very important to focus on successfully getting through each new day!

Focus on other relationships. Time is a very valuable commodity. Now you have enough time to pay attention to other close people who are also important to you, but with whom you do not spend quality time as often as you would like. For example, you can spend more time with your partner, spouse, friends, and extended family.

Send parcels. Prepare and send parcels to the person who has left. Every purchase you make for that person will give you an opportunity to think about them, do something for them, and then lovingly mail them. If your spouse left and you have children with him, set aside one free evening during the week to draw pictures and make crafts with your children that can be included in the package for your other half.

Take time to do small things. Housework is healthy way distraction, which also helps improve the state of your environment. Concentrate on doing those things that will make time fly by quickly. Some days may be harder than others, but you will always find something to do at home.

For example, on vacation in the absence of a roommate, you can ennoble your living space. Do something that the returning person will be very pleased to see. Even simple cleaning and the systematization of things will bear fruit. You will occupy yourself with a business that will have a positive effect on the condition of the room.
Get indoor flowers to fill the living space with vitality.
Wash windows. No one likes to look at the view from the window through the dirty glass. IN clean window the view will be noticeably better.
Paint the rusted fence.
Lubricate creaking doors, fix leaky faucets, or send in broken items for repairs.
Take care of appearance facade of your house. If you plant flowers along the path to the house or put them on the porch beautiful plant in a pot, your mood will noticeably improve.

Start a long-term project. There are always things that require a lot of time and effort to complete. If you have enough time, consider initiating a project that you will be engaged in until the very return of a loved one. This way, you will both look forward to seeing the final results of your work, and you will have to constantly strive to fulfill your promise.
- If your wife is sent on a long business trip, tell her that you are planning to build a wooden gazebo in the backyard.
- If you have children, start doing a project with them that will help you all get through the period of absence of a loved one together.
- Make a start orchard that you've always wanted to have.
- Start saving money for a good cause or for an important purchase for your spouse. Progress reports will help her know that you miss her, love her, and are looking forward to being home.
Consider ways to communicate when apart. Chat via Skype, email, letters or postcards. These means of communication are preferable to others, since a person always remains in anticipation of the next contact. When you write a letter to your loved one, you feel closer to him, and getting a response gives you a feeling of admiration. Distributed in time positive emotions help to cope with separation.

Don't be lazy and stay active. Do not wander aimlessly around the house and do not lie in bed. Spend more time outdoors with friends. Try to stick to a comfortable schedule, including spending time doing something exciting, so you can look forward to the future.

Focus on the positive. Breaking up a relationship can make you remember all the bad things about them. On the contrary, try to identify positive aspects in past relationships and understand what they taught you in order to use the lessons learned in the future. Know how to appreciate the experience gained.

Coping with the death of a loved one
1. Allow yourself to grieve. If you are faced with the death of a loved one, then you need to grieve for some time to come to terms with this fact. You won't be able to stop missing the person if you don't give yourself time to calm down, release your emotions, and mourn the loss.
  
  Appreciate the memory of the person. That's the way you in a healthy way you will begin to move on in life, preserving the memory of a person and continuing his legacy. Talk about the deceased with friends and family members, try to follow the traditions that this person followed, whether it was volunteering, reading books to your children, or listening to that person's favorite music.
  - If the activities that the deceased person loved increase your sadness and longing, make changes to your usual routine. However, once you're ready to quietly move on with your life, return to the things that your departed lover loved. This way you can refresh the good memories of the person and not start missing them too much.
  - Remember that you are not trying to forget the person and never think about them again. You learn to remember a person in a positive way, to control the feelings you experience and to put everything in its place.
2. Talk to other people who also miss this person. It is wrong to no longer mention a person at all and to get rid of everything that reminds of him completely. However, these measures can be introduced temporarily if you are in great pain. Over time, you will be able to talk more calmly about the deceased. Sometimes memories can alleviate sadness and speed up the healing of emotional wounds. funny phrases and deeds of the deceased.
  - Tender memories of a person can help you come to terms with the fact that he died. Even though a person cannot be brought back to life, discussing memories will help in the process of healing the wound.
3. Remember that your relationship has not ended, but has changed its form. Relationships include two components: physical and emotional. Despite the fact that the physical component of the relationship was cut off, the emotional component continues to exist. You can never completely stop remembering a dead person.
  - Of course, you don't betray a person by trying not to miss them. If he loved you, she will be glad to see that you are trying to continue living on.
  - It is impossible not to miss a person at all, especially on anniversaries, holidays and other important events that you spent together. Instead of trying to ignore the feeling of loss, tell yourself or others, “I miss ____ today. He would love to be at our event. Let's remember ____. We love him." By doing this, you will confirm the influence of the deceased person on current events and pay tribute to him, which will further help heal the pain of loss.
  - It's okay to get bored from time to time, but it's also okay to want to enjoy. real life rather than focusing on the past.
4. Spend more time with friends and family. Friends and family will be ready to give you support and help cheer you up during difficult times. They, too, may experience grief, so you can lean on each other and start spending more time together to fill your free hours and feel loved and cared for. During this period, you just need to feel love and affection, so spending time in the company of people close to you will help alleviate sadness for the deceased.
  - However, new friends and other relatives will never replace the place of a deceased person in your soul.
  - If you notice that one of your friends or relatives is recovering from grief faster than you, do not be discouraged. Everyone emerges from grief on their own schedule. And you can't know exactly how the other person actually feels.
5. Consider contacting a psychotherapist. If you need outside help in coping with grief, see a therapist. If you're unsure if a therapy is right for you, try it first and then make your final decision. Discussing your situation with a trained professional will allow you to look at it differently. Find the courage to ask for help in order to survive the challenges of fate.
  - Be proud that you dared to seek help that would be beneficial to your condition. You should not be ashamed and consider yourself a weak person because you have resorted to therapy.
6. Record your thoughts in a diary. Instead of trying to weigh all the feelings that arise in your mind during the day, try pouring them into the pages of a diary. Keep a diary every morning or every evening to become more aware of your condition and relieve unnecessary stress. You can also record thoughts in a diary as they arise. Choose the option that suits you best.
  
  Find yourself a soothing activity. With the loss of a loved one, sometimes people get so hung up on the loss and personality of the deceased that they completely forget about themselves. In order to start missing a person less, you must do the daily activities that will help you feel better. That is, you should sleep at least 7-8 hours at night, eat three meals a day, even if you do not feel like eating, and devote at least 30 minutes of physical activity daily.
Take up sports, such as running or playing basketball.
Try picking up a new hobby: photography, painting, or cooking.
Sign up for fun classes like writing workshops or correct selection combinations different varieties wine with food.
Rediscover your love of literature. Read everything that you wanted to, but did not have a chance to read before.
Find new types that suit you physical activity. Cycling, hiking and yoga will fill your time and make you feel great.
Open your heart to other people. Make an effort to become friendlier to other people. Invite new friends to meet again. At first, you may be shy, but gradually you will get to know others better and better. Smile, be friendly and open to the people you meet along the way.
- Start the conversation with a few simple questions. Tell something funny about yourself or share funny observations. If you try a little bit, then you will have more friends, and you will miss the person who left less.
- However, you can never replace someone who left. He was and will be for you important person. Just try to focus on meeting new people. interesting people to make your life more dynamic.
- Give other people a chance. With people you used to be skeptical of, you may have more in common than you think. If you spend some time with them, you may find that you enjoy their company.

Laughter is the best medicine. Although it is normal to grieve after a loss, you should not lose heart, for which it will be a good idea to find yourself a good company.
Try to have some fun to take your mind off things.
Don't be afraid to cry. There is nothing wrong with crying, it is even useful, as it allows accumulated emotions to come out.
Look at photos and letters or notes sent to you by a loved one. However, set yourself a time limit for this action so as not to dwell on thoughts about this person.
Don't think about old fights and bad times. Stay positive.
If you need to stop thinking about someone, tell yourself, “Stop. I'm not going to think about him anymore now. I have so many things to do, so I better think about them.” Try to take your mind off this person.
Remember the funny moments you had together and hope to experience something similar again.
The past cannot be returned, so focus on securing a colorful, fulfilling future for yourself.

Warnings

Prolonged stay in a mountain can lead to various physical and psychological problems. Learn to overcome grief by using information on the topic from trusted sources. Do not deny yourself the need to mourn the lost relationship, but be able to leave the pain of loss in the past.

During the working week, many of us dream about the weekend, imagining how they will lie in bed and do nothing. When the long-awaited hours of rest come, idle pastime can spoil boredom. How dangerous this condition is for a person and what it can lead to, read in our article.

Boredom and who gets it

According to the Big encyclopedic dictionary, “boredom is a kind of negatively colored emotion; a passive mental state characterized by a decrease in activity, increasing irritation, lack of interest in any activity, the world around and other people.

Despite the fact that people began to get bored long before our appearance, the very word "boredom" appeared, for example, in the English lexicon, relatively recently - in 1852. It was first used by the famous writer Charles Dickens in the novel " cold house”, in which he spoke about the life of Milady Dedlock, a woman “dying of boredom” in marriage.

“Milady Dedlock, having conquered her little world (by marrying a rich man 20 years older than her - ed. note), not only did not shed tears, but seemed to freeze. Weary self-control, indifference of satiety, such equanimity of fatigue that no interests and pleasures can stir her up - these are the victorious trophies of this woman. She carries herself impeccably. If tomorrow she was taken to heaven, she would probably go up there without expressing the slightest delight, ”wrote the author of Bleak House.

Later, the symptoms of boredom described by Dickens confirmed Scientific research. One of the first scientists who showed interest in longing was John Eastwood, a psychologist at York University in Toronto (Canada).

In 2012, he and his colleagues attempted to scientifically define boredom. Study published on the American Psychological Association (APA) website.

Experts have studied many theories and conducted hundreds of interviews to find out exactly how people feel when they are bored. As a result, psychologists concluded that boredom is closely related to our attention.

“A person becomes bored at the moment when he cannot concentrate his attention on some business. As a result, he simply has nothing to do, ”Eastwood believes.

According to the psychologist, two distinct types of personality are especially prone to death anguish, with two opposites:

Impulsive by nature people who are constantly looking for new emotions. measured flow Everyday life seems too bland to them. " The world they are not stimulated enough,” notes Eastwood.
Trying to isolate themselves from danger, suspicious people can lock themselves at home and do nothing. “They withdraw because they are too sensitive to pain,” the scientist says.

Why is boredom dangerous?

It is not difficult to guess that boredom is not the most pleasant human emotion. Scientists add that it leads people to self-destruction. By the way, during one of research, in which a group of South African teenagers took part, it turned out that boredom is the main reason for the abuse of alcohol, tobacco and marijuana.

Scientists from University College London have been observing the lives of 18,000 officials aged 20 to 64 for 10 years. It turned out that those who were bored at work, the risk of dying in the next three years increased by 30%. This is due to the fact that people who had nothing to do often went on a smoke break, constantly chewed something, and did not move much. All this, according to experts, directly affects the increase in pressure, the occurrence of cardiovascular diseases and the emergence of obesity.

Is it good to be bored?

“I have met a lot of people who are capable of driving boredom, but Sandy Mann practices this craft professionally,” he wrote in his article“Green melancholy ... What are the harms and benefits of boredom” BBC journalist David Robson.

We are talking about the research of the British psychologist, author of the book "Hacking Psychology" Sandy Mann from the University of Central Lancashire (UK). To all the volunteers who came to her laboratory, she gave monotonous work, for example, asking them to rewrite a long list of phone numbers. As a rule, the participants of the experiment coped well with the tasks, but they did it with reluctance, constantly fidgeting in their chair, yawning and looking at the clock.

Is there any benefit to this suffering?

Note that the participants in the experiment were not bored in vain. In the course of many years of research and observation, Mann found out that boredom can be both a dangerous and harmful state of mind that has a bad effect on human health, and an engine of progress.

Before giving the volunteers a task, Mann asked them to take a test, which contained questions about lateral thinking. After completing the work, the volunteers were asked to answer the same questions again. Oddly enough, the performance of the participants improved. The psychologist suggests that the routine helped thoughts flow in an arbitrary direction, which contributed to the development of associative and creative thinking.

“If there are no external stimuli, we look for internal ones - we start thinking about different things,” Mann explains the results of the experiment. - It develops the imagination. We go beyond the usual framework and think outside the box,” she concludes.

Research by other scientists only confirms Mann's findings.

In particular, professor of psychology from the University of Pennsylvania (USA) Angela Duckworth thinks that boredom, like other emotions, appeared as a result of the evolutionary development of man with a specific purpose. For example, fear and excitement were necessary for survival, and boredom was necessary for the development of mental thinking. According to Duckworth, without it, we would repeat the same actions over and over again. And boredom makes us move on, strive for something interesting, learn something new.

Is it possible to get used to boredom and love it?

Given that boredom can be the engine of progress, Mann advises accepting it with joy.

“Instead of being bored in traffic, I turn on the music and think about something else. I know it's good for me. I let my children get bored too: it helps develop creative skills,” she says.

In turn, Canadian psychologist John Eastwood from the University of York strongly doubts the benefits of boredom, but at the same time admits that you should not drive it away at any cost.

“This feeling is so unpleasant that people tend to get rid of it right there. I am not going to join this war with boredom and look for some recipes against it, because we should listen to this emotion and understand what the body is trying to tell us, ”says the scientist.

Cure for boredom

According to scientists, boredom is associated with mind wandering - when people are bored, they are immersed in their thoughts, which makes them even more bored. For the same reason, we begin to yearn when we are alone, alone with our own thoughts. Experts believe that to occupy yourself with something will be the best way get rid of boredom.

“By nature, it is important for a person to feel that he has an impact on the world, and the environment suits him. It's as significant as the light Fresh air and food,” said Eastwood.

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The absence of a close person, a loved one with whom you broke up, can give rise to the deepest feeling of loneliness. You begin to miss the person, all your thoughts are occupied by worries about this. How to overcome negative feelings and start living from scratch, letting go of the past and people from it?

How to survive a long separation from a person

The situation when kilometers separate you from your soulmate, friend, dear relative, is very common. There are cities or even countries between you, and in the meantime, feelings are torn out. What do you do if you really miss someone?

Do not despair! After all, there are many ways to say goodbye to sadness.

Install Skype on your computer and communicate with a person regularly using this program. You can even arrange tea parties, feasts, parties in pajamas in this way.
Exchange news with a person using messages, post interesting photos to social networks.
Set the date for the next meeting and cross out the days on the calendar - then you will have the feeling that you are in control of the situation, you are waiting for a very specific event.
Take a break from worries - this will help work, hobbies, friends.

How to Stop Missing Your Ex

Sometimes, even after a breakup, you can still love the person for a while. Feeling an acute lack of communication, missing the former, you literally do not know what to do, what to do. Namely, a passion for some business can distract you from painful attachment.

Nothing helps to forget an ex-lover (beloved) better than a new relationship. So feel free to meet people, flirt, go on dates.
If you don't have a hobby yet, it's time to get one.
Give all your strength to work, especially if it is loved.
Travel. Believe me, vivid emotions from visiting new places will quickly cover any negative. And the more you suffer from breaking up with your ex (ex), the more distant and exciting your route should be. Do not forget to take your best friends, beloved relatives on the road - communication with other people is very important for you now.

It will also be very effective to analyze the old love relationship for their shortcomings. Remember the bad things that happened - resentment, betrayal, pain. Nice? Not? Then rejoice that you have said goodbye to the source of negative emotions!

How to cope with the death of a loved one

The bitterness of the loss of a loved one, a relative, a friend is always enormously difficult. But such emotions can destroy your life, turning it into a faceless black-and-gray line devoid of joy, colors, discoveries. After all, when you are bored, not only to do something, you don’t want to breathe.

Of course, it would be foolish to put the question in this case point-blank and advise you to forget a person close to you. However, it is in your power to change the direction of thoughts and find strength, motivation in order to continue living on.

Think about the fact that a person who has passed away would not want to see you in such despondency. He would like you to continue to explore the world and enjoy it, fall in love, travel, create, develop. After all, in fact, now you are its continuation on earth.
Remember that you have only one life (at least in this particular guise), and therefore it is priceless and you need to live it as brightly, richly, more joyfully as possible, because there will be no other chance.
If you wish, you can turn to religion. For many, the belief that there is another life after death gives the feeling that the deceased person actually continues to be there. He looks from the sky, hears thoughts about himself, shares sorrows. And this means that you can always mentally communicate with your loved one.
If you can’t manage to cope with destructive longing, then it may make sense to turn to a qualified psychologist.

Perhaps you will also find other tips from the article helpful.