Loneliness is the meaning of life for most of us. Why Good People Are Often Lonely

It's so hard to come home to an empty apartment. To avoid all these negative feelings, you need to know the main reasons why most people are lonely.

1. Self-hatred

2. High degree of selfishness and conflict

A person can be very active and energetic, but at the same time, if he is selfish, then most likely he will remain lonely (if he does not learn to respect people). Nobody likes selfish people who don't respect others, even family and friends. In general, negative people also tend to stay lonely.

3. Excessive modesty

Conservatism, shyness, the perception of intimate relationships as something very dangerous and shameful will simply annoy and frighten many people.

I'm not saying it's good to sleep with everyone you meet. But being afraid of intimacy, especially if you are mature enough, denying the sexual component of love is a sure path to loneliness.

4. Negative attitude towards family

If a person has no example happy family, he is quickly disappointed in love and the family as a whole. This opinion can also be formed under the influence of parents. But, the main thing you have to remember is that all people are not the same and their relationships are not the same.

Another reason here may be a negative experience, that is, if a person is divorced, then a negative attitude towards the family may develop and not marry again. I personally know many such examples.

5. Fear of difficulties and responsibility

This is also a form of selfishness. A person believes that relationships are a burden, unnecessary troubles and worries. Men or women think: “Why should I take responsibility for other people if I have a lot of my own problems.” This attitude will only lead to loneliness and will not make your life easier.

6. Perfectionism

Almost everyone has an idea of ​​the ideal partner. This is one of the stereotypes that interferes with building relationships. First, it is a broken adequate perception of people. Secondly, it is the risk of finding a “bad” partner. As a result, it causes the person to remain lonely.

7. Low self-esteem

A person with low self-esteem deprives themselves of all the beautiful things in this world and the things that can happen in their lives. First, they deprive themselves of happiness and personal life.

8. Intelligence

Or in other words - too high self-esteem. A very smart person is looking for someone who will live up to their high standards and sometimes it is so hard to find such a person.

9. Past love relationships

Sometimes previous relationships are broken in such a way that a person cannot forget their loved one and cannot build a new relationship. Very often, such people remain lonely until they change their attitude.

10. Lack of initiative

Last but not least is the lack of initiative. It's so simple, but very often it's the main reason why people stay single for the rest of their lives. The only thing you have to do is believe in yourself and take action. Your love won't come by itself.

Loneliness is not a sentence, I assure you. Consider the lack of a relationship as an opportunity for your relationship. Before looking for someone, understand yourself. Do not be afraid to go to a psychologist, they will help you with this.

There is one of the few things that almost all people of our era agree on: marriage = good, loneliness = very bad. After all, it seems to be “obvious” to everyone that married and married people clearly look happier. And the polls seem to confirm this.

But it's not like that. It turns out that single people live richer social lives, and get through the process faster. psychological development than married and married. At least that's the data presented at the American Psychological Association's (APA) annual convention this week.

“People who have not yet managed to find a mate live much better than we used to think. In a sense, their lives are even happier and more fulfilling than those of family people, confirms Bella De Paulo, a scientist at the University of California at Santa Barbara. Stereotypes say exactly the opposite. But research shows we're all wrong."

“Living alone actually brings a lot of personal benefits. If you live alone, you grow faster as a person and develop better - in every sense. There is a stereotype that loneliness is definitely bad, but it does not withstand any criticism of psychologists and sociologists.

DePaulo did a very, very extensive review of recent publications in scientific journals on how marriage and single life affect things like happiness and personal growth. She found 20,000 studies on marriage. All of them were published after 2000. At the same time, she was able to find only 500 studies on how lonely people live.

Here are her conclusions:

1. One study showed that people who get married almost stop in their personal development in the first five years. Married people become more self-confident, but less capable of critical thinking.
2. Contrary to stereotypes, when people get married, they become more withdrawn and isolated from society. This is quite logical: how many of you lost friends after they got married? Surely there are plenty of such people, as research shows: bachelorhood strengthens social ties.
3. The stereotype says that bachelors are greedy egoists who live only for themselves. But the data show that, on the contrary, they are more likely to help relatives and other people than married people. Do you think they are better? Or is it just harder for them to find an "excuse"?

De Paulo emphasizes: all this does not mean that if you are single, then you should not look for a mate.

This means that family life is not necessarily better than single life: it all depends on how suitable a partner you find. Unfortunately, many people, because of the fear of loneliness, get married and get married even before they find a truly loved and needed person.

So the next time your married buddy smirks, “Are you still single?” and makes a pitiful face at the same time, you can tell him that science is on your side. It's true.

Or do you disagree? What do you think? Let's discuss in the comments!

In the life of each of us there are many problems. They come to us from outside. At least we think so. We cannot seriously believe that we create problems for ourselves. Even in nightmare we do not want to see that we create them by our behavior. This is not serious. Usually, our problems are events that we recognize as such. What then is the meaning of our life? Is it just to solve these problems?

I suppose it cannot be taken seriously that the meaning of our existence stems from the ability to move vertically and cook our own food on fire. It makes even less sense to be in demand as a specialist. I note, claimed by someone.

Thinking about the meaning of our existence, we certainly come across the fact that our life is strictly regulated by the surrounding conditions. Once we understand this, we make a choice. We choose the conditions in which we want to live. We change consciousness, adjusting it to new conditions. We are improving the conditions so that they correspond to our consciousness, our vision of them. We can change conditions or adapt to them equally well. Only in this way, by changing awareness and changing our environment through ourselves, can we change our lives. We are changing the chain of events that will take place in our lives.

Each person is individual. Everyone has something that others don't. We use our individual abilities to change our lives. It has become a mass habit.

The paradox is that in choosing a goal, we rarely rely on our individuality. We change our lives by looking at others. We choose the same goals. We choose the same means to achieve them. We repeat the mistakes of others. For some reason, it is generally accepted among people that it has always been so, and it will always be so.

Rarely does anyone think about the origins of what is happening. Few people think about the reasons that cause changes in life. What for? Thousands of lives pass before my eyes. So what? Many live as if they are going with the flow, and nothing - they are satisfied. People who are dissatisfied with life twitch from side to side, flicker, but live no better. So why, then, do anything, if only one event will happen with one hundred percent probability - death. Twitch, do not twitch - you will not pass it.

Someone reasonably asks: “Indeed, why ... why change the usual, well-established way of life? Why create problems where there are none yet? This person will probably be a thousand times right. At least he will be right about himself and his own life.

The question is: what should a person do if this “accustomed” and “established” way of life does not suit him? The way of life does not suit, but I do not want to change myself. What to do then? Or is it better to do nothing?

Of course, you can always find worthy people who you can trust with your life. Let them decide for us. Some will give advice, while others, you see, will do something for you. Of course, it is possible to do so. True, in this case, one unpleasant nuance will necessarily appear. No matter how worthy these people are, they will not be able to move away from their ideas. They will equip our life as they see it themselves.

You can rely on their integrity. You can trust that they will do everything in their power. This will not fundamentally change the situation. They will only do what they can do. They will only do what they can do. It does not matter at all who these worthy people are - parents, statesmen or people with similar interests - the principle remains the principle. They will definitely push back from their ideas. They will push off from their vision of what is happening. As a result, the main factor determining the final result will be their level of development.

Even if the “decent people” around us immediately respond to our call, we will have to wait. We will wait until they have the opportunity to provide us with effective assistance. Potential helpers have their own lives. Their life is also full of problems. And these problems are different from our problems. We will have to wait for the result that these people can provide us. In anticipation of life "as expected" we will vegetate in life "as we can." The case of a person who gave his life into the hands of others is the case of a “subjective person”. It is always small: born, live, adapt to the conditions that other people give you for life.

One can, of course, agree with such a position in life. Practice shows that we can agree with anything. Of course, it is possible to agree ... if it were not our life. Perhaps such behavior would even be correct if our life depended only on those people to whom we voluntarily gave power over it. True, and in this case, there will be quite a lot of such people. Power is a loose concept.

What then remains? Give your life at the mercy of everyone or just anyone? What is the reason? It will be nothing more than the most "disregard" attitude towards one's own life. This attitude is acceptable for a child or an undeveloped young man. But ... it is not suitable for an adult independent person, and this is exactly what we consider ourselves to be. adolescence. This kind of attitude is not appropriate for an adult. Yes, and reality confirms the wrongness of such behavior.

Outside of independence, outside of one's own individuality, there is no adult. There is a person, as it were, but an adult person, as such, is not. Yes, and the human community is most clearly manifested only where each person builds his life independently. A society in which a person builds his life based on his individuality is multifaceted.

This is our main problem. True, it is as natural for us as living in society. Society at the same time demands from us the manifestation of individuality and immediately limits it in every possible way. As a result, the natural right to be oneself is realized by only a small part of people.

Reality stimulates us quite simply. She strikes. Causing pain to the body, it makes us think. She throws up riddles to which we have no answers. It constantly puts us in situations from which we cannot find a way out. If we do not continue to look for this "exit", we will very easily slide into a primitive existence.
Interest in what is happening around gives rise to a desire in us to take part in external processes. It takes skill. We need the ability to show certain properties. Otherwise, we will be rejected, and no participation will come of it.

The desire for belonging leads to the development of skills. They will determine our place in common process. The desire to achieve perfection, the desire to take a different place among its participants, gives meaning to our actions and deeds. If the process in which we have become interested is life around, then our life also has some meaning.
Our value is not in the body. Bodies in the “life process” need different ones: beautiful and not very, well-fed and not quite. Bodies can be exchanged one for another. The body is a cog in the big machine of earthly life. We are not a cog. Each of us is, first of all, an individual. Consciousness gives us the main value: consciousness cannot be replaced. Our consciousness, which exists in development, in general, is a unique phenomenon.

Interest in life gives food to consciousness. Skill development links mind and body together. A developed consciousness allows us to remain young over the years. “Young” remains our attitude to life. Life is always more interesting for the young than for the old. He has a lot of interesting things ahead of him. He has many more interesting encounters with the unknown ahead of him. The novelty of life develops consciousness. The developing consciousness maintains an interest in life. Only the development of consciousness can give meaning to human life.

Marriage is one of the major institutions in the world. Two people are tied in a marriage knot, form a family and live together for the rest of their lives. Although most people still believe in the concept of marriage and connect with their life partner, there is another breed of people who lead a single life. Of course, their reasons may be varied, their status is the same - unmarried. Some people remain alone unwittingly, others consciously choose loneliness as their way of life. Next, we attempt to explore the reasons why people choose to be alone throughout their lives.

Didn't find the right person

One of the common reasons why people don't get married or stay single is that they haven't met the right person for yourself. Either they have too many expectations from a potential partner or they were unlucky enough to meet a guy / girl of their time. Whatever the reason, the result is that they are lonely. They continue to search for that “perfect” partner, or eventually come to terms with the fact that they will never find their soul mate and try to live a happy, single life.

Burnt in milk - blowing on water

There are many people who fall in love and end up hurting themselves. Not everyone in this world understands the meaning of such words as devotion, commitment and fidelity. Those people who have had the misfortune to meet an unfaithful partner prefer not to get involved with another person, at least in this life. They do not want to put themselves at risk and break their hearts again, they prefer to remain alone.

Fear of responsibility

There is another group of people who are afraid of commitment. They don't really like the idea of ​​someone coming into their lives and demanding time, love, care and affection. Such people are too busy with themselves to pay attention to the needs of other people. Such a person prefers to lead a life that revolves around him - their needs and happiness.

family responsibilities

In some cases, a person is too busy when performing duties towards his family. In some cases, responsibilities occupy their young years of life and by the time they are free from them, it will be too late or too difficult to find a partner. Another scenario is that a person remains faithful to his family and responsibilities throughout his life and continues to live a life where he is surrounded by many friends and family members, but alone.

They love to be alone

Many people find it difficult to understand the concept of marriage, there are many people who love the single life. They saw that there were too many failed relationships and decided that it was better to stay alone. They believe that although there are some disadvantages in being alone, they see more disadvantages in family life. Thus, they decide to be single, but always ready for companionship.

Too ambitious

There will always be a few people who have been too busy with their careers to live with a wife and children who need attention. Now that the concept of women's liberalization is gaining momentum, there are many women who want to lead a single life because they believe that their career is more important to them. Such people shudder at the thought of losing their dreams, of having to look after their husband or children. Instead of getting divorced later, they prefer to stay single.

Psychologist Arik Sigmam undertook to calculate the amount of direct communication between people with each other, and published the results of the study in the journal of the British Institute of Biology. It turned out that in the twenty years from 1987 to 2007 we lost four hours of communication. Parents, children, spouses, co-workers, friends, acquaintances (in the study, Sigman even asked us to take into account conversations in an elevator with neighbors) - all of us now take two hours a day. Communication is getting smaller. This is bad? Not always. But sometimes loneliness is the meaning of life for most of us.

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Photo gallery: Loneliness is the meaning of life for most of us

...But loneliness is better
There are a number of occupations and conditions for which solitude is an indispensable condition. When do we need to be alone with ourselves? First of all, when difficulties arise or a crisis is brewing: either you don’t like your work, or your health is not all right. It would seem, why be left alone with your problems? After all, others can help, distract. Distract - yes, but you still have to make a decision, and for this you need to think carefully, tune in, and concentrate. This is possible only in solitude: to weigh the pros and cons, to deal with emotions without experiencing the pressure that other people voluntarily and involuntarily put on us. The morning hours are the best time to become aware of your own experiences, for example, when you walk part of the way to work. But in the evening, such self-examination can completely deprive you of sleep.

Temporary loneliness is the meaning of life for most of us, but sometimes it is useful when you are very annoyed. It doesn't matter who gave you that negative feeling. Emotions tend to be transmitted, as if we infect others with them. Also, when you're surrounded by people, come in peace of mind hard. You pretend that everything is fine and get even more annoyed. Throw everything out, and a quarrel breaks out.
Statistically, family men live 10 years longer than singles. Women, however, do not have such a dependence, and most centenarians have never been married at all. So it turns out that the ladies have different aspects living together cause very strong emotions that are dangerous to health. And that means that for the purpose of recovery nervous system it is just necessary from time to time to plunge into loneliness, more precisely, into solitude from a partner, even a very beloved one.

Do you want to do meditation? Complete relaxation of the body, rest from thoughts and the surrounding reality - you can achieve such a state only by ceasing to control yourself, to track your behavior. While we are surrounded by other people, it is almost impossible to do this - we will still subconsciously worry: "What do others think of me?" Of course, there are special exercises that allow you to retire without leaving the team. For example, imagine that between you and your colleagues there is a sliding wall of thick frosted glass. You can mentally close it completely, so that nothing will be heard, and at this time arrange a little relaxation session for yourself. But still, it’s better if the solitude is real: even after 3 minutes of complete rest, you will get a positive charge and relax. And colleagues will not have to wonder why you, smiling blissfully, look at one point.

Finally, a person who is limited in communication capable of great accomplishments. Loneliness is the strongest stimulus for creative energy and self-development. Everyone gets used to loneliness, because loneliness is the meaning of life for most of us. Moreover, both voluntary and forced solitude is useful when, for example, you are in conflict with loved ones. This happens by blocking needs. You want to talk to someone, laugh, go somewhere or make love, but not with anyone. This causes first aggression, then resentment and, in the end, a decrease in mood and some apathy. And then you say to yourself: "That's it. Enough. Something must be done!" - and you begin to look critically at your own behavior, gather your strength to change, and find a way out of this situation. After all, solitude is useful only when you accept it consciously, of your own free will, and it has clear limits, including temporary ones. Otherwise, this state will turn into its other side - loneliness.

Oh, loneliness, how cool your character is!
Loneliness is a lack of communication and a lowered mood in connection with this. And if the separation from people lasts for a long time (so much so that the person himself begins to realize this as a problem), then just a bad mood will be replaced by melancholy and depression. A lonely person is easy to distinguish even in a crowd: he has lowered the corners of his lips, wrinkles appear more sharply, a pale complexion and a hunched back. Psychosomatic medicine specialist and author of Heartbreak: The Medical Consequences of Loneliness, James Lynch, argues that the more alone a person feels, the less resistant they are to infections, the higher their risk of developing various diseases. chronic diseases, including cardiovascular. And even oncological diseases, according to the scientist, are based on the development of emotions associated with loneliness: hopelessness, resentment, guilt.

Not so long ago, social psychologists, studying the problems loneliness, conducted an experiment on mice. Several rodents were placed in individual empty cages and approached for a month only to give food. Another group of mice led ordinary life, communicating with cage neighbors, having fun with ladders and other toys. All mice were then infected with the influenza virus. Of those who lived together, not everyone even became infected, and the rest recovered quite quickly. But the lonely sufferers were very seriously ill, with complications and several deaths. Conclusion: even mice need someone to be nearby, to rub against the fur in time and squeak something encouraging. What can we say about people!

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Maybe salvation is in virtual communication? World fashion for social networks also came to Europe: 43% of Internet users regularly visit their favorite resources. And it seems strange to talk about loneliness, if you can communicate with anyone, anytime. In fact, only the first 3-4 months a person has satisfaction with such communication, a feeling of fullness of life. Then comes fatigue and some disappointment. Those who have started a page for themselves simply out of interest (to find old friends, to see who has become who), are not very worried about this. But for people who tried to save themselves from loneliness in this way, it gets even worse. On the one hand, there comes an understanding that one has to be content with only a surrogate for communication, on the other hand, dependence arises: there is no other anyway. In 1995, Randy Conrad, the founder of the first network, did not imagine that such a problem could arise: "Networks were supposed to promote social activity, stimulate it. But in fact they often began to replace it."
Television is also doing everything to save people from loneliness, so far, however, to no avail. Reality shows, live communication with hosts, laughter behind the scenes in TV shows - all this gives only a momentary feeling of presence, interaction. Although we stand on the highest rung of the animal world, we still belong to it entirely. So, for harmony with ourselves and nature, virtual communication is not enough for us. No matter how much we click the mouse, we will feel bad and lonely. We need living people to look into their eyes, to feel their intonation, to see gestures, to feel touches. Therefore, having enjoyed solitude to the fullest and having received all the benefits from it, one must again go out into the world and build relationships with others. After all, only in live communication can we feel happy to the fullest.

Why stay "one on one"?
There are things that any of us will help to cope with loneliness or ... enjoy solitude on long winter evenings. Many people live alone. Can loneliness be the meaning of life for most of us? Unfortunately yes. But this can be fought.

Book
You can choose something with an intriguing title like "How to get rid of loneliness in 10 days." But probably the most sensible thing that has been published on this subject in paperback is the good old "How to Win Friends" by D. Carnegie. It's hard to argue with the fact that we all love seeing smiling faces and talking about ourselves. Refresh the simple rules of communication. Don't be limited practical guide and re-read "One Hundred Years of Solitude" by G. Marquez. A book about how each of us, no matter how many people he is surrounded, in the end, remains alone with his life, past and future.

DVD player
Tell a resolute no to the TV that takes hours of our precious life! But a good movie is not to be missed. Forget sorrow unrequited love the romantic drama "Love in the Time of Cholera" with the inimitable Javier Bardem will help. And a touching family comedy like "Marley and Me" will save you from the blues and anxiety: they say that Labradors, including cinematic ones, perfectly cheer up. However, you can choose the film to your taste.

Form for cooking
A shape with a hole in the middle for fragrant charlottes, cozy nests for muffins, funny molds in the form of hearts and other figures - such a variety of culinary "helpers" literally pushes you to create a rich masterpiece with your own hands. Add spices: vanilla, cinnamon, and in a few hours an incomparable holiday atmosphere will reign in your kitchen. Homemade cakes will cheer you up and relieve feelings of melancholy.