Forgiveness starts with yourself! stages of true forgiveness. Four stages of forgiveness

Stages true forgiveness.From Liz Burbo's book "Listen to your body"
. Give yourself the time you need to go through all the stages of forgiveness. At one stage you may need a day, at another - a year; the most important thing is that your desire to go through these stages be sincere. The stronger the psychological trauma and the resistance of the ego, the more time will be needed.
***
Stages of true forgiveness already passed by thousands of people and rewarded with miraculous results:
1. Define your emotions (often there are several). Be aware of what you are accusing yourself or another person of, and determine what feelings this causes in you.
2. Take responsibility. To show responsibility means to realize that you always have a choice - to react with love or with fear. What are you afraid of? Now realize that you may be afraid of being accused of the same things you blame the other person for.
3. Understand the other person and relieve stress. In order to relieve tension and understand another person, put yourself in his place and feel his intentions. Think about the fact that he, perhaps, blames both himself and you - for the same thing that you blame him for. He is afraid, just like you.
4. Forgive yourself. This is the most milestone forgiveness. In order to forgive yourself, give yourself the right to be afraid, to show weakness, to be mistaken, to have shortcomings, to suffer, and to be angry. Accept yourself as you are in the present moment, knowing that this is a temporary state.
5. Feel the urge to ask for forgiveness. In preparation for the stage, imagine that you are asking for forgiveness from the person whom you condemned, criticized or accused of something. If this image gives you a feeling of joy and freedom, you are ready for the next step.
6. Meet the person you want to apologize to. Tell him about your experiences and ask for forgiveness for judging, criticizing or hating him. The fact that you yourself forgave him, mention only if he talks about it.
7. Make a connection or make a decision about the parent. Remember a similar situation in the past with a person who represented power, authority for you - with your father, mother, grandfather, grandmother, teacher, etc. This person must be of the same gender as the one you just forgave. Repeat with him all the steps of forgiveness.
If the emotions you are experiencing are directed against yourself, go through steps 1, 2, 4 and 7.
***
. If step 6 proves to be very difficult, know that it is your ego that is resisting. If you think: “Why on earth should I ask for forgiveness from this person if it was not I who offended him, but he me? I had every reason to be angry with him!” It's your ego speaking, not your heart. The most important desire of your heart is to live in peace and compassion for others.
. Don't worry if the person you're asking for forgiveness doesn't react the way you expected. Some things are almost impossible to predict. He may not say anything, change the topic of conversation, be surprised, refuse to talk about it, cry, ask for your forgiveness, throw himself into your arms, etc. Try to treat with understanding the feelings of another person - as well as your own.
. As I noted in the description of the sixth stage of forgiveness, you should not tell the person who offended you that you have forgiven him. There are three reasons for this:
1. It may turn out that the person you are angry with did not have the intention of offending you at all. Reality often differs from our perception. Maybe this person did not even suspect that you were offended.
2. You must understand that you need forgiveness in order to free yourself. Forgiving another person means taking the necessary step towards forgiving yourself.
3. You must also realize that it is not in your power to truly forgive another person. Only he can forgive himself.
. If a person does not want to accept your request for forgiveness, this means that he cannot forgive himself. You can forgive him, but that's not enough. He must forgive himself. You are only responsible for yourself, but the fact that you have forgiven yourself can help the other person forgive themselves.
. If you tell another person about your experiences, and he suddenly begins to make excuses, he may have thought that you were blaming him. If so, then you have not yet forgiven this person and you hope that he will change.
. If you, going to meet this person, hope that he will understand the depth of your suffering and ask your forgiveness, you still have not forgiven him. In any case, you should not be angry with yourself; you just need a little more time to move on to steps 2 and 3. You may have already forgiven this person with your mind, but have not yet had time to forgive him with your heart. To forgive a person with the mind means to understand the motives of his actions, but this does not bring relief or inner liberation. This often happens. Intellectual forgiveness is a good start, as it at least indicates good will.
. Remember: forgiving someone does not mean that you agree with his accusations. By forgiving someone, you seem to be saying that you look with the eyes of your heart and see something more important in the depths of this person’s soul than his accusations.
. Thanks to this forgiveness, it will be easier for you to give yourself the right to be yourself and show your human feelings.
Now let's look at the three emotions that people experience the hardest: fear, anger, and sadness. A person usually suppresses, controls, hides these emotions - in a word, does everything not to experience them, as they stir up emotional wounds received in childhood and adolescence. These wounds arise under the influence of five negative psychological factors: the trauma of the rejected, the trauma of the abandoned, the trauma of humiliation, betrayal and injustice.
Instead of giving themselves the right to be imperfect and suffer from emotional wounds, most people continue to blame others as the cause of their fear, anger, and sadness. That is why people experience so many negative emotions, and emotions, in turn, cause all kinds of diseases.
But these emotions can be used for good:
. Fear helps you understand that you need protection and are looking for it. He also reminds us that real protection should be sought in oneself.
. Anger is useful in that it helps you discover your need for self-assertion, articulate your demands, and listen more closely to your needs.
. Sadness helps you understand that you are suffering from a sense of loss or fear of losing. Sadness teaches a person not to be attached.
LOVE YOURSELF - means to be responsible for your life and give yourself the right to exercise this responsibility. If you love yourself, you will have a healthy and energized body that will allow you to fulfill all your dreams.
I hope this book will help you more than once to gain a deeper awareness, a more complete and happy life filled with love. Never forget that your inner GOD uses all possible means and through your body says, reminds you: "LOVE YOURSELF!"

What stages does a person go through on the path of forgiveness. Which ones does it get stuck on? How to write a farewell letter for forgiveness. What steps do you need to take to forgive.

The path of forgiveness.

The Path of Forgiveness- these are the stages that you must go through in order to forgive and from tormenting feelings.

On the path of forgiveness, it is important to go through all the stages from suppression and denial, to forgiveness and acceptance, you will not be able to immediately find peace and love in your heart. The Psychologist of Happiness.

The path of forgiveness will be long if you go by roundabout paths, the direct path is harder, but also more effective.

Now I want to show what stages a person can go through on the path of forgiveness and what steps the compilation contains. farewell letter.

Farewell and life will be easier!

5 stages of forgiveness from sister Pavla.

To forgive, you need to go through all the stages of forgiveness correctly.

Sister Pavel identifies 5 stages of forgiveness.

If you want details about Sister Pavla and her lectures from the Forgiveness cycle, look for it yourself. My goal is to give an idea of ​​the main stages of coming to terms with pain.

I note right away that most of the “offended” get stuck at the 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th stage of forgiveness, and suffer more from it themselves than those whom they wanted to but could not forgive.

Remember the person who offended you, angered you or infringed on your rights. Try on - at what stage of forgiveness are you in relation to the offender?

The first stage of forgiveness. CROWDING OUT.

Repression or suppression of feelings - this is the first protective reaction of a person from the inflicted real or imaginary harm. Protection from psychological trauma.

Repression is manifested in the complete forgetting of terrible events, in attempts to forget through drugs, alcohol or sex. In constant retellings of various acquaintances, what a bad offender.

To move on to the next stage, you need to understand correctly and name your feelings. In 90% of cases, this feeling will be anger.

The second stage of forgiveness. ANGER.

Anger which is repressed leads to self-loathing and depression.

At this stage, it is important to recognize that you are angry and express this feeling, this will bring relief and give you strength to move on to stage 3.

If you cannot get rid of anger on your own, seek the advice of a psychologist.

The third stage of forgiveness. TRADE.

Trade This is the stage of finding out who is to blame.

It's his fault, you mentally turn to the offender. She must apologize, repent, only then I will forgive. I'll forgive you if you change completely.

This stage can be passed if you refuse to trade in black and white: He is right, I am a victim. The only way? Forgiveness begins from the moment when I begin to see objectively both the person and the situation.

The fourth stage of forgiveness. DEPRESSION.

Depression- Refusal to act. We give up and dive into our state.

The problem is focusing on your fault, on own feeling guilt, on their own negativity and on the negativity of others.

Depression is an important stage of forgiveness and it is possible to pass this stage only if you admit your mistake. I chose the drinking husband. I gave up on my goals.

The way out of painful depression into healthy depression is the recognition of oneself as a responsible sinner. I am a sinner, but I love myself.

Fifth stage of forgiveness. ACCEPTANCE AND RECONCILIATION.

Adoption- this is a transitional stage between depression and forgiveness, is to part with your perfect way and to accept actual image.

We must part with our striving for perfection and accept in ourselves and others that which cannot be corrected. We become realistic.

I make peace with myself. And then it becomes easy and simple for me to come to terms with the offense, with the offender and with the world. I forgive.

Write in the comments at what stage of forgiveness are you stuck?

6 steps farewell letter.

Write a farewell letter or a letter of forgiveness in 3 stages.

1. Write a letter to the person who upset, angered or upset you, divided into 3 parts, in each express the feelings described in the first 3 steps of the farewell letter described below. Then write down the next 3 steps.
2. If the abuser does not want to answer you, write a letter anyway and do not send it.
3. If the one who upset you agrees to take part in your act of forgiveness, through parting with feelings, then let him also write you a letter of forgiveness.

Here are 6 steps for a farewell or forgiveness letter.

1 step. Anger and indignation.

I'm angry that... I'm overwhelmed... I hate it when... I resent...

2 step. Pain.

It hurts me when... It hurts me... I get sad when... I feel disappointed when...

3 step. Fear.

I'm afraid that... I'm afraid of you when you... It scares me when... I'm afraid of myself when....

4 step. Repentance, regret and recognition.

I'm sorry that... Please forgive me for... I'm sorry that... I didn't mean at all...

5 step. Wishes.

The only thing I want, wanted... I want... I want you... I deserve... I want for you...

6 step. Love, compassion, forgiveness and understanding.

I understand that… I acknowledge… I forgive you for… I love you for… Thank you for… I sympathize… I respect your…

As you can see, the steps of writing fit perfectly into oral speech, of course, such a conversation of forgiveness must be carefully prepared.

As long as you don't forgive someone or something, that someone or something will be unhindered in your head. Isabella Holland.

With some practice, you will be able to complete all six steps of the forgiveness process quickly and easily without looking at the pattern.

Share how difficult it is for you to forgive others?

Read the best materials of the psychologist of happiness on this topic!

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• We have already considered the structural component of your personality. You know how to compose an egogram. Today we turn our attention to functional analysis […]
• Breath is life. There is either conscious (awareness) breathing or wrong. Today about the breathing technique taken from oriental medicine. […]
• Many people do not remember their childhood well and were deprived of the love, affection or attention of their elders in one of the periods from zero to six years. In a good way […]

In 1969, Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, who worked with the terminally ill, identified 5 stages of grief for people, namely:

1. Denial

3. Bargain, deal

4. Depression, sadness, sadness

5. Acceptance / Forgiveness

I would also like to add a very important stage Shock comes before denial. This stage can be well traced in life, for example, for no reason at all you were charmed by a stranger, when all this happens you are in a state of Shock, then when it’s all over, you begin to come up with options for a “beautiful” way out of this situation.

It's the same with the loss of a loved one, but there the stage of shock can last up to 7 days, a person walks and does something, but he doesn't feel anything, like a robot.

All these 6 stages of living grief, a person goes through not only when he meets with a loss, but also during many events that emotionally affect us.

Therefore, this often happens when I forgive, I forgive, but something is not forgiven, I just didn’t do something, but I still return to that situation, and still clings to the past. To accept, you need to go through all 6 stages of healing.

Let's look at the 6 stages of healing in more detail:

1.Shock this is the state of a stopper, when the senses are completely blocked. You know the cases when an 88-year-old old woman, thin and small, dragged her 150-kilogram wounded grandson to the hospital, dragged him 50 km through the forest. Or a man with a broken spine pulled 2 of his friends out of a burning car.

All these cases a person does in a state of shock, most likely a state or as in a dream, or the person does not even remember about them. Nature specially came up with this defense mechanism for us, so that you could escape in a dangerous situation, so that feelings of pain and fear would not prevent us from surviving.

But this state needs a short period of time, because if the pain does not turn on, the person will not understand that he needs help. WITH physical body much easier. If we hurt our hand, we then treat and heal the wound.

But our emotional traumas, we can carry all our lives without looking at and without healing it.

2. Negation. It must be recognized that a painful event has occurred in the past and its consequences need to be considered.

3. Anger. You should correctly express the emotions associated with this event and you should not linger at this stage and allow yourself to show violence towards others (aggression, including passive)

4. trade, deal. After passing through the 2nd and 3rd stages, it may feel like the work is over, but the 3rd stage can be carried and last for several minutes or several months: a person often thinks and talks about pain, but in fact does not dare to experience it or overcome.

5. Sadness. Sadness and sadness are born in the soul. It is a deep sense of loss at the thought of what could and should have been different; a person worries not only for himself, but also for those who were destined to experience pain (he understands that they (for example, parents) were not born cruel people, but became so because they themselves were injured). This insight helps to show empathy and mercy.

6. Acceptance/Forgiveness. You need to accept those people who have hurt or harmed you. To do this, you should separate people from their actions - then you will have the opportunity to forgive them (even if they have not changed and did not ask for forgiveness) and the understanding that their actions were destructive. The field of this is left to God to judge these people and their situation and move on (But set boundaries to prevent repeated violence).

A person cannot recover without forgiving himself. This fundamental stage opens up the possibility of transforming not only our love for ourselves, but also the very heart and blood in our physical body.
This new blood, filled with the energy of newfound love, will wash the whole body, like a miraculous balm, and heal all cells in its path. Even if your common sense does not allow you to believe it - try it all the same, because you have nothing to lose.
Here are the stages of true forgiveness that have already been passed by thousands of people and rewarded with miraculous results:
1. Define your emotions (often there are several). Be aware of what you are accusing yourself or another person of, and determine what feelings this causes in you.
2. Take responsibility. To show responsibility means to realize that you always have a choice - to react with love or with fear. What are you afraid of? Now realize that you may be afraid of being accused of the same things you blame the other person for.
3. Understand the other person and relieve stress. In order to relieve tension and understand another person, put yourself in his place and feel his intentions. Think about the fact that he, too, may blame both himself and you - for the same thing that you blame him for. He is afraid, just like you.
4. Forgive yourself. This is the most important step in forgiveness. In order to forgive yourself, give yourself the right to be afraid, to show weakness, to be mistaken, to have shortcomings, to suffer, and to be angry. Accept yourself as you are in the present moment, knowing that this is a temporary state.
5. Feel the urge to ask for forgiveness. In preparation for the stage, imagine that you are asking for forgiveness from the person whom you condemned, criticized or accused of something. If this image gives you a feeling of joy and freedom, you are ready for the next step.
6. Meet the person you want to apologize to. Tell him about your experiences and ask for forgiveness for judging, criticizing or hating him. The fact that you yourself forgave him, mention only if he talks about it.
7. Make a connection or make a decision about the parent. Remember a similar situation in the past with a person who represented power, authority for you - with your father, mother, grandfather, grandmother, teacher, etc. This person must be of the same gender as the one you just forgave. Repeat with him all the steps of forgiveness.
If the emotions you are experiencing are directed against yourself, go through steps 1, 2, 4 and 7.

Important Tips
Give yourself the time you need to go through all the stages of forgiveness. At one stage you may need a day, at another a year; the most important thing is that your desire to go through these stages be sincere. The stronger the psychological trauma and the resistance of the ego, the more time will be needed.
- If stage 6 proves to be very difficult, know that it is your ego that resists. If you think: “Why on earth should I ask for forgiveness from this person if it was not I who offended him, but he me? I had every reason to be angry with him!” It's your ego speaking, not your heart. The most important desire of your heart is to live in peace and compassion for others.
Don't worry if the person you're asking for forgiveness doesn't react the way you expected. Some things are almost impossible to predict. He may not say anything, change the topic of conversation, be surprised, refuse to talk about it, cry, ask for your forgiveness, throw himself into your arms, etc. Try to treat with understanding the feelings of another person - as well as your own.
- As I noted in the description of the sixth stage of forgiveness, you should not tell the person who offended you that you have forgiven him. There are three reasons for this:
1. It may turn out that the person you are angry with did not have the intention of offending you at all. Reality often differs from our perception. Maybe this person did not even suspect that you were offended.
2. You must understand that you need forgiveness in order to free yourself. To forgive another person is to take the necessary step towards forgiving yourself.
3. You must also realize that it is not in your power to truly forgive another person. Only he can forgive himself.
- If a person does not want to accept your request for forgiveness, this means that he himself cannot forgive himself. You can forgive him, but that's not enough. He must forgive himself. You are only responsible for yourself, but the fact that you have forgiven yourself can help the other person forgive themselves.
- If you tell another person about your experiences, and he suddenly begins to make excuses, he may have thought that you were blaming him. If so, then you have not yet forgiven this person and you hope that he will change.
“If you, going to meet this person, hope that he will understand the depth of your suffering and ask your forgiveness, you still have not forgiven him. In any case, you should not be angry with yourself; you just need a little more time to move on to steps 2 and 3. You may have already forgiven this person with your mind, but have not yet had time to forgive him with your heart. To forgive a person with the mind means to understand the motives of his actions, but this does not bring relief or inner liberation. This often happens. Intellectual forgiveness is a good start, as it at least indicates good will.

Remember: forgiving someone does not mean that you agree with his accusations. By forgiving someone, you seem to be saying that you look with the eyes of your heart and see something more important in the depths of this person’s soul than his accusations.
Thanks to this forgiveness, it will be easier for you to give yourself the right to be yourself and show your human feelings.
Now let's look at the three emotions that people experience the hardest: fear, anger, and sadness. A person usually suppresses, controls, hides these emotions - in a word, does everything not to experience them, as they stir up emotional wounds received in childhood and adolescence. These wounds arise under the influence of five negative psychological factors: the trauma of the rejected, the trauma of the abandoned, the trauma of humiliation, betrayal and injustice.
Instead of giving themselves the right to be imperfect and suffer from emotional wounds, most people continue to blame others as the cause of their fear, anger, and sadness. That is why people experience so many negative emotions, and emotions, in turn, cause all kinds of diseases.

But these emotions can be used for good:
“Fear helps you understand that you need protection and are looking for it. He also reminds us that real protection should be sought in oneself.
Anger is useful in that it helps you discover your need for self-assertion, articulate your demands clearly, and listen more closely to your needs.
Sadness helps you understand that you are suffering from a sense of loss or fear of losing. Sadness teaches a person not to be attached.
LOVE YOURSELF - means to be responsible for your life and give yourself the right to exercise this responsibility. If you love yourself, you will have a healthy and energized body that will allow you to fulfill all your dreams.
Liz Burbo