I post examples in psychology with children. The shortest I-message
Each normal person at least once in his life he dreamed of a spell that would help him establish contacts with other people. It doesn't matter who it is: a child, a boss, or just an acquaintance.
The most offensive thing is that there is such a magic spell, but they began to talk about it openly not so long ago. This is the so-called "I-message".
The most best instruction to methods of communication, in my opinion, is described in the books of Julia Gippenreiter - I recommend reading.
What are we used to
- You haven't put your toys away again!
How often do we say something like that! But what happens: on the one hand, this is pure truth - the case is not an isolated one. On the other hand, it turns out that this particular person does it with enviable regularity.
Again you are playing these computer games!
You might think that others don't. But what does the other person hear?
Accusations, discontent. What is his natural reaction, especially if it is a child or spouse? "Got it", "again I'm extreme", "yes, yes, yes, I'm bad, I know." That is, a person tries on himself not the need to do something, but the negative! Self-esteem falls, a person begins to feel unnecessary, flawed, an eternal hindrance.
I am the message on the shelves
Now let's see what happens if we say the same thing, but in other words:
It upsets me that I have to stumble over a toy. So you can fall and get hurt.
It worries me when I play on the computer for too long. It is harmful to the eyes.
The difference is immediately apparent: in the second options, no one is to blame. The message applies equally to any family member. That is, the offensive association "again I am extreme" does not arise.
Moreover, such a phrase cannot be shouted out and filtered through clenched teeth. Until you formulate it, you will already calm down.
The combination of such features allows a person to hear our true emotions, which we ourselves may not even be aware of. In addition, self-messages do not provoke further conflict. Nobody offended anyone - there is nothing to argue with.
I was so worried that you were late - we are talking about the fact that we were worried that the person is not indifferent to us. And if not to think about the words, what would a mother say to her teenage son who was late home? I think everyone will have many options in their heads and almost all of them will lead to an inevitable conflict between loved ones.
I'm not a magician, I'm just learning
Of course, this method, like any other, needs to be learned, to hone skills. It is much easier to give a personalized you-message than to construct an unfamiliar impersonal phrase. But it's worth a try.
And how wonderful the relationship with children is! But, alas, not right away. And it is impossible to build trusting relationships on self-messages alone. But here's to smooth out so many sharp corners- surprisingly easy.
Especially if you know how to praise and scold correctly. After all, each of these cases has its own subtleties and secrets.
If you are interested, I will gladly tell you about it.
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An interesting fact: the madness that you fall into today simply did not exist 10, 20 years ago. In those days, you would not be manic to check your phone every few minutes, falling into anger, then into despair, experiencing torment simply because the person did not send you a short, stupid message.
Modern romance is stressful, especially when it comes to texting. In 2010, only 10% of young people used messages to ask someone out on a date for the first time. In 2013 - already 32%. More and more people are sitting alone, staring at a phone screen, and at the same time experiencing a whole range of emotions.
Several minutes passed and the status of my message changed to read. My heart has stopped. Here it is, the moment of truth. I braced myself and watched as these small dots appear on the smartphone screen, which indicate that someone is typing an answer for you. Feels like from a slow ride to the highest part of the slide. But then a few seconds pass - and that's it, they disappeared. And no answer.
Hmmm ... what happened? A few more minutes pass and ... nothing. 15 minutes pass ... Nothing. My confidence dwindles, doubts begin to torment. An hour passes ... Nothing. Two hours pass ... Nothing. Three hours pass ... A slight panic begins. I reread my message. I was sure of him, but now I'm starting to wonder what was wrong with him.
“I'm such a fool! You had to type “Hello!” With two e's, not one. I have asked too many questions. What was I just thinking? Oh, I had to ask about something else. Aziz, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU AND YOUR QUESTIONS? "
Aziz Ansari
Technological progress today allows us to connect with the person we like instantly. But this does not reduce the problems. For example, how do you ask a girl or boyfriend out on a date? Is it worth calling? Or write an SMS? Or add as a friend and send a message to social network? How long do I have to wait before responding to an invitation? Obviously, with progress there have been changes in our personal lives. We evaluate our partner differently, otherwise we establish and build relationships.
Comedian Aziz Ansari decided to sort out the problems of modern romantic relationship and worked with New York University sociologist Eric Klinenberg to develop an ambitious research project. From 2013 to 2014, they worked with focus groups and conducted surveys around the world, as well as interviewed renowned researchers in romantic relationships. The results of this research have resulted in the book "Actively Searching", in which, among other things, you can find the answer to the question of what to do as soon as you send or receive a message.
How long should I wait before responding to a message?
This question caused the most controversy and disagreement among the respondents. And here are the tactics people usually follow.
- The tactic of doubling the response time: you get a reply in five minutes, you wait ten. This way, you will always be in a better position because you will seem busier and less available than the person you are talking to.
- Some people wait a few minutes to show that there is something more important in their life than a telephone.
- Some respondents believe that it is better to double the response time, but sometimes you can answer quickly, there is nothing wrong with that (as, indeed, with too long a response).
- Some people claim that they expect exactly 1.25 times the response time.
- Others argue that it is enough to wait three minutes.
- There were also those who were already fed up with such games, so they respond immediately as soon as they see the message. They find that their answers, without feigned expectation, seem more lively and confident.
But do these tactics really work? And why are so many people sticking to them? Let's see if these strategies fit in with actual psychological research.
Answer as a reward
V last years behavioral scientists have studied why expectation tactics have such a powerful effect on people.
You will appear less attractive if you reply to messages immediately.
Psychologists have conducted hundreds of studies in which they different conditions gave the animals rewards. One of the most interesting finds is the "indefinite reward", that is, the situation when an animal, pushing a lever, cannot predict whether it will receive a reward. It turned out that uncertainty greatly increases the animal's interest in receiving a reward: the level of dopamine rises, so one can say that it gets high from this sensation.
In laboratory animals, which receive a reward every time they press the lever, the interest eventually dies out. After all, they know that as soon as they want a reward, they will receive it.
It's the same principle in relationships: if you're the guy or girl who responds quickly to messages, you are taken for granted. As a result, you diminish your value as a reward. This means that the other person will not have a strong urge to respond to the message. Or, as is the case with laboratory animals, the need to push a lever.
What do correspondence and gambling addiction have in common
Messaging is the environment in which our mind begins to work specifically. Before everyone had Cell Phones, people always wait a while (hours or days) before calling back, but so that the other person does not feel anxiety. Correspondence taught us to receive faster responses. According to surveys, this figure varies from person to person in the range from 10 minutes to one hour.
Natasha Schüll, an anthropologist at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (USA), studies gambling addiction, in particular, what happens to the minds and bodies of people who are addicted to slot machines. Unlike cards, horse races or a weekly lottery, which keep players waiting (their turn when the horses finish, the start of the weekly drawing), slot machines allow gambling without delay, as the player receives information promptly.
You are used to expecting instant results, so you start to lose patience at any slightest delay. When you're texting someone you like but don't know well enough yet, it's a lot like a slot machine. There is also a lot of uncertainty, anticipation, anxiety. You are set to receive a message. You want it, you need it right now. But if you don't get a quick response, it unsettles you.
Natasha Shul
Text messages are different from the messages that people left on answering machines before the advent of smartphones. A message on an answering machine is like buying a lottery ticket. You know in advance that you will have to wait until you know the winning numbers. You don't expect to be called back immediately. You can even enjoy this feeling of uncertainty because you know in advance that you will have to wait a few days. But in the case of text messages, if you don't get a response after 15 minutes, then you start to go crazy.
How to appear more attractive in the eyes of another person
The psychological principles of expectation can be a very useful strategy for a single person who wants to appear more attractive.
For example, let's say you are a man who met three women at a bar. The next day you write to them. Two answer quickly enough, and the third does not answer at all. The first two women showed interest in you, and your brain calmed down when it received the answer. But the third woman, without answering, created uncertainty, and your brain begins to search for an explanation for her action. You don't lose interest: “Why isn't she answering? What's wrong with me? Maybe I did something wrong? " This uncertainty, social psychologists have found, can lead to intense romantic attraction.
A team of scientists - Erin Whitchurch, Timothy Wilson and Daniel Gilbert - conducted a study that showed women profiles different men on the social network Facebook, who in turn told what they think about their profiles.
- One group of women was shown the profiles of men who rated the profiles of the subjects in this group as the best.
- The second group was told that they were shown profiles of men who rated their accounts as average.
- The third group was shown profiles of men who could not decide whether they liked these women or not.
Women were expected to give preference to men who rated them as the best over the average (on a reciprocal basis - we like people who love us). However, women were more likely to prefer men from the undecided group. Later, they also reported that they thought more about men who were undecided in their assessment.
When you think a lot about a person, their image becomes firmly entrenched in your head, which, in the end, can lead to the emergence of attraction.
Another idea from social psychology what concerns our games with anticipation is the principle of scarcity. We usually perceive something as more desirable when it seems inaccessible to us. So when you rarely receive messages from someone, in fact, that person artificially creates scarcity and presents himself in a more favorable light.
Don't take it personally
You wrote to the person and asked him out on a date, and he did not respond. What to do in such a situation? Certainly not to sprinkle ashes on your head and think what you said or did wrong. Remember that sometimes it's not you, but other factors come into play. Something may be happening in a person's life that you have no idea about, but this may affect their desire to start a relationship.
"Don't tell me what to do,
and I won't tell you where to go "
A common joke.
Thursday - the week draws to a close. If you are still pondering how to gently point out to your subordinate his mistakes in his work and explain to him how to act correctly, or if you need to talk to your husband or wife about some of his behavior or actions that make you nervous and worried, or if your child does not understand your discontent and does everything as if it were “for evil”, then it’s time to think about HOW we usually try to convey our thoughts to people who live, work, and have a rest next to us. The fact is that we often accuse other people of misunderstanding, negative emotions, unwillingness to listen and hear us, without noticing how we ourselves, unwillingly, negatively affect their emotions, we ourselves provoke defensive reactions, reciprocal aggression and unwillingness follow our " the right advice". How does this happen? Surprisingly, this is due to the wrong construction of the phrases! Not because of WHAT specifically we want to say or FOR WHAT we do it! The problem might be HOW we do it! The same thought can be verbalized in different ways. Conventionally, all our messages to other people can be divided into two types of "I-messages" and "You-messages". The difference is that when we build our phrases according to the type of "I-message", then we, first of all, describe what happens to us in response to the behavior or words of another person, and do not tell him how to act in order to we got better. On the contrary, “you-message”, on the other hand, first of all contains a recommendation to the other how to act, while at the same time it may not transmit any information about why exactly we believe that the other person should do this. Simply put, "I-message" is frank information about you, about what you need, what your needs are, what is your reaction to certain words of the interlocutor, his behavior and / or the current situation. "You are a message" is an attempt to influence someone else at once, bypassing explanations of one's own state, in fact it is an order, criticism, and often accusations. A simple example from SMS correspondence: Message "Where are you?" We all know very well - perhaps we ourselves have sent and received such messages more than once. And what kind of feeling does such a message evoke in the recipient? Does he need to report, give explanations, perhaps even justify himself? Is this what the sender of the message wanted? Maybe he / she wanted to say "I'm waiting for you!", "I missed (missed)!" or "I don't have time to wait any longer, let's reschedule our meeting for another day"?Do you feel the difference? These are examples of "You-message" and "I-message". And although at first glance the difference between "I" and "You-messages" may seem insignificant, the message that the interlocutor receives differs in messages radically!
Surely "You-message" is more familiar. However, "I-message" is fraught with so many pleasant bonuses that all "translation difficulties" quickly disappear, one has only to start communicating in a new way! The trick (and the complexity at the same time) of using "I-messages" is that first of all we will have to think about and understand what is actually happening to us - what we feel, how we feel, what we want and why, in response to that we had this emotion, why we made this decision or entered this state. No matter how strange it may seem, but we are often so busy telling others what to do that we simply disaccustomed to carefully observe ourselves, we ourselves cease to understand ourselves - how can we expect other people to understand us correctly? Obviously, in order to become better understood by others, we will have to re-learn to understand ourselves! Listen, look closely, subtly feel any internal changes in states. Instructions: 1. Before expressing your dissatisfaction, first pay attention to what you yourself are now feeling, thinking, feeling. Call it to yourself, verbalize, give it a definition"I feel annoyed right now and I think my boss is an 'idiot'". 2.Think what you really want from the situation and the conversation associated with it: do you really want to change the situation, prevent its further occurrence, or do you want to "merge" your negative emotion onto another and what will happen !? 3. If you want real changes, then follow the instructions below, if not, then "stupidly" drain the emotion and let everything happen again. 4. Depending on what you want to achieve in communication, compose your "I-message" about what does not suit you in communication with other people. For example: "When they shout at me, I feel like a guilty schoolboy and generally cease to understand the interlocutor" or "When you stay late at work and do not call, I feel anxious and start to go crazy." 5) use mostly words in your phrases "I", "me", "me" etc. (instead of the usual "you", "you", "you", etc.) 6. Check out the "translator" below. Make your own list of "You-messages" from those phrases that you say and that are said to you at work, at home, in friendships. Translate "You-messages" into "I-messages". 7. Share this approach as much as possible more friends and acquaintances. Help each other translate your messages - sometimes it’s easier to reformulate someone else’s thought and it’s better when emotions do not interfere with constructive thinking. 8. Use your new "I-messages" as often as possible instead of the usual "You-messages". Enjoy new constructive and pleasant communication! Examples of possible translations:
| 1.You are the message | 2.I-message |
| -Stop flickering before your eyes! | -When you walk "back and forth" it is very difficult for me to concentrate! |
| -Turn off the music as long as you can talk! | -Music prevents me from working |
| -Make a contract now | -When I do not receive documents from you on time, I have very unpleasant conversations with clients, and our "Feedback and Suggestion Book" is updated with new complaints about my work |
| - Stop being rude to me! | -When I hear rudeness in my address, I generally lose the desire to communicate and want to leave |
| -You should change your clothing style! | -In our bank, a uniform style of dress is adopted for all employees. When someone breaks this rule, it leads to dissatisfaction with the management. |
| -Get behind you from the table! | -I don't like it when dirty dishes are left on the table |
| -Dress warmly! | - I'm worried about your health. |
By expressing our feelings and thoughts in the “I-message” format, we give the interlocutor the right to make a decision himself, to feel free in his choice, thus relieving him of the need to defend himself. However, the use of "I-messages" requires from us also courage and high self-esteem, because giving a person the opportunity to decide for himself whether to react at all to our remarks, we invariably find out his true attitude towards us - whether our opinion is important to him, whether he tries he maintain a warm relationship with us, whether our feelings bother him. And if the answer is not the most joyful for us, then we will have to do something about it, perhaps make uncomfortable or difficult decisions for us, from which we have been hiding for a long time. And even so, "I-Messages" work for us - providing information and food for thought. In the overwhelming majority of cases, replacing "You-messages" with "I-messages" leads to pacification, improved mutual understanding, normalizes relations and increases the general level of communication - it becomes more positive, more respectful and mutually pleasant!
"I-message" is over effective way influence on a person in order to change his behavior, which we do not accept, and at the same time maintains a favorable relationship between people. Let's look at this using an example of a message from a parent who is tired and does not feel like playing with a child: A tired parent sends a "You-message" to the child: "You tired me", and the child perceives information as - "I am bad". The tired parent sends the child "I-message": "I am very tired", the child's reaction is "Daddy is tired".
the main objective “I-messages” - not to force someone to do something, but to communicate their opinion, their position, their feelings and needs; in this form, the other will hear and understand them much faster. Learning to send "I-Messages" is not easy, and there can be mistakes in the beginning. And the main one is that sometimes, starting with “I-message”, we end with “You-message”. For example: "It annoys me that you don't clean your room!" (compare: "I am annoyed by the mess in the room!"). You can avoid mistakes by using impersonal sentences, indefinite pronouns, generalizing words.
Inexperienced parents use Self Messages to convey their negative feelings and forget to send them to convey positive feelings. For example, a teenager, contrary to the agreement, came home late at night. Possible dialogue: Genus.: "I am outraged by you." Reb.: "I know I'm late." Genus.: "I'm really upset that I had to stay awake." Reb.: "Why? You would sleep and not worry. " Genus.: “How could I? I was going crazy, "and so on. Here the parent only sends negative self messages. In this situation, the instructor specifically asks the parent: “How did you feel when your daughter entered the house? What was your first feeling? " The parent reports that it is a feeling of great relief that she returned safely, safe and sound. A dialogue with a positive "I-message" looks like this: Genus.: “Thank God, you've finally come home. I'm so glad what a relief. I was so afraid that something had happened. " Reb.: "You're really glad." The second confrontation is of a completely different quality. By trying to “teach a lesson,” we usually miss out on valuable opportunities to teach them much more fundamental lessons, such as that we love them so much.
Here are the basic rules for "I-message"
4 steps.
1. Feeling.
I am worried, I am in pain, I feel hurt, I am angry, I am overwhelmed with hatred ... ..
sometimes it is possible to voice the sensations - it squeezes me all, I turn to stone, ... my hands freeze from fear ... ..
2. Fact.
When you …… say so, address me in such a tone, look at me like that, don't call me, talk about it….
3. Explanation.
Here it is important to explain to your partner what is happening to you. Why do you feel this way ...
since I paint the most terrible pictures in my fantasy, ……. since I was seriously offended before and I am afraid that you can do the same, ... I do not understand what is happening to me ... .. because it seems to me that you ..., .... Because I feel like a guilty child in front of a teacher .... because
4. Desire.
How do you want, what would be treated with you and what you and your partner will receive as a result.
I would like that next time ... .. and then I ... ..or we ... ..or you ... ..
EXAMPLE of using all 4 steps.
1) I'm scared
2. When you talk so loudly.
3. Because I associate the scream with childhood when a drunken father screamed ... ...
4. I wish you would restrain your anger next time and speak calmly ....
It is possible that you, like many adults who are introduced to reflective listening, are saying to yourself:
“It is very sublime and noble to help a child realize his feelings, but I also have feelings, and it would be good if the child also knew about them.”
Communicating the parent's feelings to your child can be both effective and ineffective. The difference will become clear if you understand the difference between the constructs:
"YOU-MESSAGE" and "I-MESSAGE"
Many “messages” that adults “send” to a child contain the word “YOU”: “It would be better if YOU put it off,” “YOU shouldn't do that,” etc. In this case, “YOU” offends and makes the other person feel unhappy.
The formula "I am the message" shows how you feel about the child's behavior. For example: “I cannot explain the lesson when someone is making such noise” or “I don’t like that the toys are scattered on the floor.” This formula focuses on the adult's feelings and does not blame the child.
The “I am the message” formula is more effective because it realizes trust and respect, enabling the child to maintain good health. Moreover, it reduces antagonism between adult and child. How to build "I - MESSAGE"? We have already learned that when trying to correct a child's behavior, we must focus on his behavior, and not on his self-awareness.
Now let's take the next step: parental or pedagogical anger is usually caused not by the child's behavior itself, but by the consequences of such behavior.
These are the very consequences that intersect with the wishes or rights of adults.
If the adult does not perceive the consequences of the child's behavior as frustrating and angering, then they probably won’t worry, unless the child’s actions are truly harmful and dangerous.
For example, mom is busy doing the laundry while the kids are having a great time laughing and chatting out loud. At this moment, everyone is busy with something and does not bother each other. A neighbor rings the doorbell, and mom opens it and starts talking to her. Now the noise made by the children annoys her, as it interferes with the conversation with the neighbor.
This example shows that you are often annoyed not so much by the behavior of children as by its consequences for you personally. This is why it is important to tell the children how you feel. It is also necessary to make children understand that the experience of an adult relates precisely to the consequences of their behavior, and not to the behavior itself. In the given example, the mother might say: “Because of this noise, I can barely hear Aunt Tanya.”
Since the irritation is caused by the consequences of the behavior of children, a remark made by an adult in accordance with the formula "I - I am reporting" will be more effective than a simple shout. The structure "I - report - in response" includes three stages:
1. Non-judgmental description of the child's behavior: "When you scatter your things everywhere ...".
2. An indication of how the child's behavior interferes with the adult: "... I have to put them in place."
3. Characteristics of the feelings experienced by adults: "... and I absolutely do not like to take on this responsibility."
When using the formula "I - report - in response", you should be prepared to:
§ focus on your own or someone else's experiences, but not on the child;
§ communicate with the child in a tone that demonstrates attention and respect;
§ avoid accusations, criticism, etc .;
§ listen carefully to what the child says about his problem.
Briefly, the formula "I - report - in response" generally covers three specific aspects of the situation:
The behavior of the child - the feelings of the parent - the consequences of the behavior of the child for the adult.
The following unfinished sentences will help you structure your communication according to this formula:
1. When you ... (statement of the child's act).
2. I feel ... (statement of your feelings).
3. Because ... (statement of the consequences of the child's behavior).
It is not necessary to rigidly adhere to the proposed sequence of certain parts of the formula "I - I - I will - in response"; in some cases, you can, for example, omit a message about your experiences. Simple statements like “I can't clean the apartment because your bike is lying around in the hallway” are as effective as the phrase “When you make noise, I don't hear what they answer me at all, and it annoys me.”
The construction of the structure "I - report - in response" depends on the situation. It is important to remember the following:
§ the message is fixed on the experiences of the adult (even if these experiences are not specifically mentioned);
§ it gives the child an idea of what exactly his behavior interferes with the adult;
§ it does not contain charges against anyone. Building a positive relationship between an adult and a child is both joyful and exhausting. In some cases, your efforts are rewarded; in others, you are frustrated. This requires a tremendous amount of work for both the child and the adult.
And at the end a few general rules effective communication adult and child.
1. Talk to your child in a friendly, respectful manner. In order to influence the child, you must learn to contain your criticism and see the positive side of communication with the child. The tone in which you address your child should show respect for him as a person.
2. Be firm and kind at the same time. Once you have chosen a course of action, you should not hesitate. Be friendly and don't act as a judge.
3. Reduce control. Supervising children usually requires special attention adults and rarely leads to success. Calm, reflecting reality, planning a course of action turns out to be more effective.
4. Support your child. An adult can support a child by acknowledging their efforts and contributions, as well as achievements, and by demonstrating that they understand their experiences when things are not going well. Unlike a reward, support is needed even when the child is not successful.
5. Have courage. Behavior change takes practice and patience. If some approach turns out to be unsuccessful, there is no need to despair, you should stop and analyze the feelings and actions of both the child and your own. As a result, the next time the adult will know better what to do in a similar situation.
6. Show mutual respect. Educators and parents should demonstrate trust, confidence in the child and respect for him as a person.
Some ways to overcome conflicts between children and adults.
Sonia, 12, and her mother argued over who should clean Sonia's room. The mother believed that this was the duty of her daughter, but she said that she would not clean her room.
What is going on between Sonya and her mother? Mother wants Sonya to be responsible for her room; however, she talks about it in such a tone that Sonya takes a defensive position. On the other hand, every time Sonya begins to defend herself, the mother becomes more and more “deaf”. The conflict is deepening. How can Sonya and her mother solve it?
How to resolve contradictions so that everyone wins?
Learning to communicate. I am the message.
When you talk about your feelings to a child, then speak from the FIRST PERSON: ABOUT YOURSELF, ABOUT YOUR experience, and not about HIM, not about HIS behavior.
Psychologists called statements of this kind "I-messaging."
They can be like this:
1. I AM I don't like it when children go around disheveled, and to me ashamed of the neighbors' glances.
2. to me it is difficult to get ready for work when someone is crawling under your feet, and I am I stumble all the time.
3. Me loud music is very tiresome.
A parent might have said differently:
1. Well what you for the view!
2. Stop crawling here, you bothering me!
3. You could you quieter ?!
Such statements use the words you, you, you... They can be called "You-messaging."
At first glance, the difference between "I" and "You-message" is small. Moreover, the latter are more familiar and "more convenient". However, in response to them, the child is offended, defended, defensive. Therefore, it is advisable to avoid them.
After all, each "You-message", in fact, contains an attack, accusation or criticism of the child. Here's a typical dialogue:
When will you finally start cleaning your room ?! (Accusation.)
Well, that's enough, dad. After all, this is my room!
How do you talk to me? (Condemnation, threat.)
What did I say?
"I-message" has a series advantages compared to "You are the message."
1. It allows you to express your negative feelings in a way that is not harmful to your child. Some parents try to suppress outbursts of anger or irritation to avoid conflict. However, this does not result in desired result... As already mentioned, you cannot completely suppress your emotions, and the child always knows if we are angry or not. And if they are angry, then he, in turn, can be offended, withdrawn or go into an open quarrel. It turns out the opposite: instead of peace, there is war.
Recently I happened to be present at a conversation of an eleven-year-old girl with her mother. The girl was upset, and recalled, crying, all her "grievances":
“You don’t think that I don’t understand how when you treat me. I see everything! For example, today, when you came in and we played the tape recorder, instead of teaching lessons, you got angry with me, although you didn’t say anything. And I saw, saw it, you don't have to deny it! I understood this by the way you looked at me, even how you turned your head! "
The girl's reaction was a direct consequence of her mother's latent displeasure. I thought: what kind of subtle and observant "psychologists" our children are, and what a lesson this girl taught her mother (and me at the same time), breaking the cold ice of unnecessary silence and giving vent to her feelings!
2. “I-message” enables children to get to know us, parents. We often hide ourselves from children with the armor of "authority", which we try to maintain at all costs. We wear the “educator's” mask and are afraid to lift it even for a moment. Sometimes children are amazed to learn that mom and dad can feel something at all! This makes an indelible impression on them. The main thing is that it makes an adult closer, more human.
Recently, I heard a mother talking on the phone with her ten-year-old son. Mom (a teacher by profession) told him about how difficult the lesson for her was successful. “You know,” she said, “how worried I was this morning. But everything ended well, and I am very glad! And are you glad? Thanks!". It was nice to see such an emotional closeness between mom and son.
3. When we are open and sincere in expressing our feelings, children become sincere in expressing theirs. Children begin to feel: adults trust them, and they can be trusted too.
Here is a letter from one mother who asks if she did the right thing:
“My husband and I parted ways when my son was six years old. Now he is eleven, and he began to deeply, consciously, but more inwardly, miss his father. Somehow he burst out: “I would go to the cinema with my dad, but I don’t want to go with you.” Once, when my son bluntly said that he was bored and sad, I told him: “Yes, son, you are very sad, and sad, probably because we do not have a dad. Yes, and I'm not happy. If you had a dad, I had a husband, it would be much more interesting for us to live. My son burst out: he leaned against my shoulder, quiet bitter tears poured down.
I burst into tears, too. But both of us felt better ... I thought about this day for a long time and somewhere in my heart I understood that I had done the right thing. Is not it?".
Mom intuitively found the right words: she told the boy about his experience (active listening), and also told about hers (“I-message”). And the fact that it became easier for both, that mom and son became closer to each other, is the best proof of the effectiveness of these methods. Children very quickly learn the manner of communication from their parents. This also applies to the "I-message".
“Since I began to use“ I-messages ”,” writes the father of a five-year-old girl, “requests such as:“ Give me! ”,“ Play with me! "Have almost disappeared from my daughter. More often it sounds "I want to ...", "I can't wait any longer."
In this way, it is much easier for parents to learn about the feelings and needs of the child.
4. And the last thing: by expressing our feelings without an order or a reprimand, we leave it to the children to make their own decisions. And then - amazing! - they begin to take into account our desires and experiences.
Learning to send “I-Messages” is not easy, just as it is to actively listen to a child. It will take practice and it will be difficult to avoid mistakes at first. One of them is that sometimes, starting with “I-message”, parents end the phrase with “You-message”.
For example: " to me don't like that you such a slob! " or " Me annoying it your whimper! ”.
You can avoid this mistake if you use impersonal sentences, indefinite pronouns, generalizing words. For example:
I don't like it when people sit down at the table with dirty hands.
It annoys me when children whine.
Tasks
From the parent's responses, choose the one that most responds to the “I-message”. (Find answers at the end of this tutorial.)
Situation 1. How many times you call your daughter to sit down at the table. She replies, "Now," and continues to go about her business. You started to get angry. Your words:
1. How many times do you have to say!
2. I get angry when I have to repeat the same thing.
3. It makes me angry when you disobey.
Situation 2... You are having an important conversation with a friend. The child interrupts him every now and then. Your words:
1. I find it difficult to talk when interrupted.
2. Do not interfere with the conversation.
3. Can't you do something else while I'm talking?
Situation 3. You come home tired. Your teenage son has friends, music and fun. On the table are traces of their tea drinking. You experience a mixed sense of annoyance and resentment ("If only you thought of me!"). Your words:
1. Does it not occur to you that I can be tired ?!
2. Take away the dishes.
3. I am offended and angry when I come tired and find a mess at home.
Answers to the task.
Situation 1.
“I-message” would be phrase 2.
In line 1 - a typical "You-message", phrase 3 begins as "I-message" and then goes into "You-message".
Situation 2.
"I am the message" is phrase 1, the other two are "You are the message." Although in the second phrase "you" is absent, but it is implied (read "between the lines").
Situation 3.
“I am the message” - phrase 3.
From the book Gippenreiter Yu.B. "Communicate with your child HOW?"
