Who is the old maid - all about her psychology. Phraseological dictionary of the Russian literary language what is an old maid, what does it mean and how to spell it correctly

An old maid is a woman who remains a virgin all her life. This is the basic meaning of this stable phrase. But everything is much deeper. An old maid is not so much age and lack of sexual relations with men as a state of mind, a temperament. And is it even possible to determine the age limit, overcoming which a virgin automatically becomes an old maid? 40 years? Or 30? Or even 25? There are girls who even at 20 call themselves as such. But that's a completely different story.

Twenty-year-olds, by definition, cannot be old maids - they are just afraid to remain so. Although the makings of an old maid are easy to identify at a young age. Everything is very individual, but usually a girl at the risk of growing old a virgin is characterized by:
1) low self-esteem ("Who will like me?")
2) excessive demands on men ("I'm waiting for the prince")
3) spending free time at home ("I'd rather bake a cake this weekend and eat it when 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' is on TV")
4) condemnation of girlfriends who easily converge and disagree with men ("Now he says that he loves. Let's see what happens in a month")
5) squeamishness about masculine scent, exaggeration discomfort from life with a man (“I can’t imagine how it is to live with a man, sniff his socks, wash sweaty shirts”)
6) giving of great importance insignificant signs of attention from men, followed by long-term savoring of details ("When last Wednesday he was standing at the window at the university, and I passed by, he looked SO. And yesterday, on the contrary, he pretended not to notice me. Then why is he in did you watch Wednesday?)
7) poorly concealed joy when listening to stories about other people's breakups and divorces ("That's it, they get married, give birth to children, and then - with nothing. It's better to be alone")
8) accepting active courtship with hostility from men ("He lowered his hand during the dance just below my back - everything is clear with him, a womanizer!")
9) a resolute refusal to meet through advertisements, through the Internet, with the help of marriage agencies ("This is humiliating. MY man will find me himself")
10) fear of sex as such, a subconscious belief that it is indecent, dirty, not good.

If you have not yet entered into intimate relationships with men, and more than three of the above character traits suit you, there is reason to think. Are you too critical of the opposite sex and are you too closed in your cozy little world, like a mouse in a mink?

The old maid, undoubtedly, is experiencing her not quite full-fledged position in society. The complexes associated with the lack of relationships with men gradually turn into a huge furry lump in the soul, leaving an imprint on the character and relationships with others. And sometimes it is even more difficult for people around than for the "old girl" herself. After all, you need to understand, adjust and try not to offend such a person. Unfortunately, usually attempts to lure a mouse out of its mink are not crowned with success.

Dmitry, 26, says:
"Tamara is my work colleague. She is 40 years old. Somehow by chance I heard a conversation between colleagues that she is an old maid. But I like Tamara! Not beautiful, but well-groomed, slender, smart, well-read. And I told her I obviously like her. During the six months that we began to communicate more often, she changed a lot in better side. She stopped wearing a ponytail - dissolves her long hair, fragrant with perfume, almost every day changes outfits. I feel like this is everything for me. But! She's acting so illogical. As soon as I start talking with a female colleague, Tamara immediately comes up with questions, recalls me for the most stupid reason, just to prevent us from communicating. Everything is so naive, noticeable. But at the same time, I feel that Tamara is afraid of me! Seriously! Once we sat down with her to drink tea together, I got up and locked the door in the office, and she jumped up and immediately opened it: "Why did you close it? What if someone needs to come in?"
Calls me exclusively on "you", although I am one of the youngest employees in the team, and most of them say "you" to me. I am drawn to her, I am not even afraid of the age difference, condemnation from colleagues and acquaintances. But she won't let anyone get close to her. And in the team there are already rumors that we are secretly meeting.
A glaring incident occurred when I returned from a business trip. At six o'clock in the morning, leaving the train, I suddenly saw Tamara on the platform of the station. She was waiting for me. She approached, greeted affably, still referring to "you". And suddenly I hear: "I live nearby, let's go in, have some tea?" Well, that's it, I think, here it is, finally, decided! "They came to her, she is polite to the point of horror. And absolutely cold. She puts me on the sofa, and she hides herself in an armchair against the opposite wall. The situation in the apartment is depressing. Sterile cleanliness and at the same time, everything is old-fashioned: crocheted planters, an old piano ... He pours tea and giggles - the name on the tea bags is "Kama in the morning." I rode the train for one night and washed the night before.
The situation is idiotic: half past seven in the morning, a winter wind is walking in the apartment, we drink tea at a distance of three meters from each other and talk about the poetry of Arthur Rambo and the theater of Roman Viktyuk. Since then, I have not made any attempts to get close to Tamara."

Natalia, 49 years old, says:
“My daughter Lena is already 28 years old, and she is still not dating men. She has the appearance of a kind of married matron with a child of kindergarten age - tall, large, with a heavy look. As if she had already experienced so much, but in fact - real child!
When she was 23 years old, she and her friend were in contact with two guys at work. And then the guys invited them to celebrate together New Year. The girls perked up: they prepared salads, picked out outfits for themselves, did their hair. After the holiday, Lena returned angry: "They need one! All men are the same!" It turned out that a friend slept with one of the guys, and the other molested Lena. Later, a friend married that guy, and Lena quarreled with her, considering her a traitor.
Lena is very worried about her loneliness, she believes that the whole thing is overweight, terribly complex. I told her: "Look at how ugly there are among married people! It's not about appearance!" Does not listen, periodically starves himself. He does not like to visit, he plans to go on vacation with me. Why should I scare her suitors away? He does not want to get acquainted through ads in any: "What am I, flawed or something?" When I try to introduce her to the son of some acquaintances, she gets mad. V Lately often cries, says: "Mom, what do I live for?" And I think, how did I raise her like that, because I myself got married at the age of 18?! It is sad to imagine that she will remain an old maid, and I will not wait for grandchildren "...

It is difficult to advise others, and even more so to the old maids themselves, but I will try anyway. If you really torments indecently protracted virginity, perhaps, contrary to your life convictions, you should stop waiting for your Only One for a while and just sleep ... No, not with anyone. And with a man who gives your person signs of attention. He has a lot of flaws and you don't see him as a boyfriend? Well, that's even better! His main task will be to help you lose your virginity. Just don't forget about contraception! The old maid complex is neutralized, thoughts that "no one has wanted me yet!" lose relevance, and you can finally calmly think about why you are still alone.

And if your virginity does not torment, but only public opinion is annoying - don't give a damn about everyone, you have your own life and you are free to build it the way you want. Sex is not the only component of happiness. You can realize yourself not only as a lover and wife, but also, for example, become a super professional in your field. After all, take the child out orphanage. And just to live so interesting and bright that it would never occur to anyone to call you an old maid.

The very expression "old maid" is to some extent archaic, becoming obsolete. Indeed, in the classical sense of these words, a woman is meant, living in parental home in the position of a girl.

Now, in order to get married or refuse to marry, parental consent is not needed. You don't have to stay with mom and dad forever. You can live with your mind, your home - regardless of whether you are married or not.

Nevertheless, the word still lives on. They are still called old maids. Many girls are afraid to remain them and therefore they are in a hurry to jump out to marry anyhow. After all, you can get divorced. The position of a "divorced woman" - a free woman - is more honorable in their eyes than the status of "stayed up in the girls."

But in Europe, as a rule, no one is afraid to pass for an old maid. European girls do not want to be left without a boyfriend, yes, yes, but whether they have registered their relationship with young people or not is nobody's business.

Psychological reasons that make close contact with the opposite sex difficult can be very different. First of all, not all girls are interested in the sexual partner. Of course he is interested in them. But a significant category of young (and not so young) women appreciates life in all its diversity. A man for them is just one of the many (pleasant, no doubt) facets of being.

These are independent, energetic women who are enthusiastically engaged in their career or other business of life. They do get married, but, strictly speaking, a long period of their biography can be called the life of an old maid, although none of those around, as a rule, stutters about it. These energetic businesswomen can dream about a handsome prince for a long time, like ordinary schoolgirls.

Very homely, sensual young women often stay in old maids for a long time, about whom it is by no means possible to think that they will be left alone. Yes, they are not alone, they are surrounded by a mass of friends and girlfriends who see them as the embodiment of reliability, kindness and tenderness.

Unlike the previous type, such women are not fixated on a career, on their vision of the world. But they, as a rule, work quite successfully, their house is a full bowl. If you look closely at their surroundings, you can easily find a candidate for the title of owner of this house. But he himself may not be aware of it. Such women, unlike the first type, lack the decisiveness and initiative to attract or retain a man.

A kind of female friend is sociable intellectual travelers. Among the huge number of their acquaintances, you can easily get lost without a guide. It is difficult to say for sure about such people: are they old maids, or do they have husbands in Paris and London? One does not interfere with the other, we are here considering the problem from social, and not from physiological positions. Impermanence is the reason why women of this third type for a long time can't get a stamp in their passport.

Poet's dream

Any decent woman is characterized by a certain shyness. For some, it may be more developed. Sometimes this only attracts men, unless, of course, shyness has a measure. Shy - they are like this: if you break through their "cocoon" and get inside, you will not get out. But, fortunately for you, breaking through this cocoon is not easy.

Such women may have a past that they are unable to get rid of. It is easier to kill them than to free them from the memory of their first love. They strive for him, their first man, for many years, body and soul. And he already forgot everything. And the woman remains an old maid.

Very often, shyness is combined in a woman with suspiciousness, she first has complexes about her appearance, then about her age: “There are only fourteen-year-olds on the dance floor (disco, nightclub), I’ll be an old woman there when I’m eighteen.”

One of the main reasons old maids show up is arrogance. Girls with a swaggering, arrogant character must have undeniable beauty in order to get married.

There is a type of “choosy brides” described by the artist Fedotov, they are too critical, they see only shortcomings in the surrounding men. Little things that are important for all women without exception, for such critics are not little things, but blocks that you cannot pass by. If excessive criticality is combined with a certain coldness, turning into frigidity, then the fate of the old maid is ensured for the owner of this character.

The same can be said about the girls who are too refined for our barbaric time. They are not able to endure a boor and a rude person for a long time. Of course, if they love this boor and rude person, they will ennoble him as much as they can. But they may not love. In addition, such aesthetes often drive away an aesthete equal to themselves in everything. The reasons for the gap may be different. Someone needs to take out the trash can. But this is not the main thing. Good manners are not a thing in themselves, but a kind of social game. And there must be at least two players. You can't play alone, even if someone pretends to be a spectator.

Women of Balzac

It would be a bit of a stretch to record vamp women as old maids. Without a doubt, some of them risk at some stage in their lives to be in the shoes of old maids. Although, of course, in general, these are two different poles of female characters.

Why can a vamp woman be without a husband? Because in essence it is not very feminine. If you think about it, then female "demonism" is nothing more than a manifestation of male genes. At least, a traditionally oriented man cannot but form such an opinion. Although it is undeniable.

Some, let's say, extravagance can also be the reason that the girl does not immediately choose someone. Noisy, energetic girls are the soul of the company. Usually the central part of their life is saturated with events (and husbands). And in their youth, they lead the life of restless, cheerful dragonflies, so well described by grandfather Krylov.

There are restrained, coldish women with a hard to explain, simply mystical tendency to late marriage. They study, work, achieve success, but the main thing for them is a superman. Often, already at the age of an old maid, they become the wives of middle-aged (or simply old-fashioned) bankers, world-famous writers, scientists ... Unequal marriage in this case is quite happy. Their choice is really very worthy. The fact that he is not approved by all their peers can not be taken into account.

Personal opinion

Eugene Doga:

- I still remember one of my teachers - an old maid with a golden spider on a black jacket. Even the atmosphere around her was somehow… musty! It is no coincidence that nature nevertheless provided for such a type of unification of people as a family. Loneliness is sometimes needed to delve into oneself, but no books, no friends will teach a person what he receives in the family. It's a special kind of communication, a special kind joint activities. But finding your "half" and starting a family is not so easy, it's hard work ...

“You don’t sew for me, mother, a red sundress ...” - is sung in one old romance. The young girl does not want to part with the girl's will, "get married in a hurry, groan and sigh," take on the burden of worries. The wise, but adamant mother, however, answers the heroine - they say, it’s not a century for you to sing like a little bird, you still have to go down the aisle ... but how could it be otherwise?

The heroine of the romance is still, one might say, lucky: the enterprising mother found her a suitable groom. Now whatever awaits her in married life, the girl is spared from the most terrible fate in the eyes of her mother and neighbors - to remain an old maid. That is, to live under the parental roof to an advanced twenty-five (it's scary to imagine!) Age, lose freshness, beauty, attractiveness, collect your share of ridicule, pity and contempt - and if you're lucky, marry some widower with a bunch of kids from your first marriage - in as a labor force.

Two hundred years have passed. A lot has changed. If earlier marriage was the only way for a woman to exist (well, not counting monasticism, of course, or the bitter share of a host), then a modern woman does not need a man to survive. She herself can perfectly arrange her life, realize herself, achieve success, prosperity, respect. But until now, at the words “old maid”, a pitiful sight is presented: a downtrodden, self-doubt, yearning and afraid of everything mouse, pitifully looking into my eyes - aren’t you my savior? .. And the years go by, and there is still no savior, and the old the maiden gets a cat, castrates it, feeds it obscenely, and spends monotonous days starching handkerchiefs and watching serials. A heartbreaking sight.

Blame for everything, of course, our mentality and traditions, which cannot be ignored. There is such a hard-to-eradicate stereotype in our culture: a woman must be “at the side of a man”. Though poor, but his own. In the existence of this stereotype lies the lion's share of the suffering of girls who are afraid to remain old maids. A few reproachful glances from the grandmother and a couple of “friendly” questions “Why are you still not married?” are enough for the woman to panic. Panic can end sadly: a hasty marriage with a random person.

However, it may not end.

At one of the women's forums, the participants searched for a long time for a definition of the expression “old maid”. They seemed to agree that she was a woman in her thirties who had never been married. But for some reason, a forty-year-old well-groomed, self-confident and bright business woman cannot be called an old maid, even though she has never crossed the threshold of the registry office, and when you look at another girl who has just graduated from the institute, nothing else comes to mind? What makes a woman an old maid and how does it happen?

You and I probably shouldn't go into etymology. Previously, of course, the virginity of the person who sat in the brides was automatically implied, but we will omit this. If only because the signs on the forehead "I am a virgin" are not observed in any of the old maids, and who now attaches importance to this. Long-lasting virginity in itself is not a problem - and I assure you, it is not the cause of such a lost look in old maids. Neither the absence of a stamp in the passport, nor innocence in itself is at all a reason to record a girl as an old maid. Most likely the opposite. It's more of a consequence.

There are no two similar human destinies. However, you can find individual matches in the portraits of women who are called old maids. First, self-esteem. As a rule, it is somewhat overestimated in such women. Therefore, they often remain alone. It would seem that there is nothing wrong with appreciating yourself and not exchanging for trifles, but waiting for a person to match yourself. Sooner or later you can wait. An no. The question is, what exactly does a woman put into the concept of "a man to match"? Very often, the requirements for a prospective partner skyrocket, not being combined with reality. Candidates who do not meet at least one item from the forty-page register of requirements are indignantly rejected, and the maiden continues to wait. A year, two, three... ten. And there are fewer and fewer candidates - no, the men have not died out, they have already married less demanding girlfriends. And the woman more and more often feels deceived and offended: they didn’t appreciate it, they didn’t notice ... Well, with a person burdened with resentment for the whole world, it’s even difficult to ride in the same compartment, not like living all your life - and the snowball begins to grow.

Secondly - or already, thirdly? - fear. Not always fully realized by a woman, not always obvious, but gradually controlling her fear of relationships with a man, fear of sex. The source of this fear can nest in anything - in a child's psychological trauma, in an unsuccessful family life parents, in a strict patriarchal upbringing - sometimes only an experienced one can establish the reason why an attractive woman repels men from herself. She can do this consciously - avoiding relationships, showing obvious aggression ("they only need one thing", "they are all the same", "I'm not like that", "I feel so good") or unconsciously. Sometimes a potential old maid may want to start a relationship, but she does not succeed: in her presence, men feel constrained and insecure. She either ostentatiously crushes them with intellect and pressure, “cutting off” on small mistakes (it looks spectacular, “smart and self-sufficient” can be respected, but this will not save her from loneliness). Or fear takes over them - and the woman hides in a corner, painfully trying to keep up the conversation and embarrassed by the fact of her own existence.

There are also "old maids" whose life is their conscious choice. But these are probably the minority. Yes, one can imagine a woman who is able to live without a man at all. She realizes herself, makes a career, suppose, is engaged in creativity - and she is satisfied with this state of affairs. Why, for complete happiness, you also need a man at your side, she sincerely does not understand. It is possible to imagine such a thing, but it is already more difficult to meet it. “I didn’t meet, therefore, my own,” a sensible and happily married friend told me in the process of writing this article. May be.

And personally, it seems to me that the problem of the "old maid" is largely far-fetched. And not to herself, but to her surroundings. As soon as we learn to respect someone else's right to live our own mind and get rid of the desire to give unsolicited advice and ask tactless questions life will become much easier for everyone. The "old maid" complex is easy to create with one careless phrase. But we will leave to live our lives, and our unmarried friend will be left alone with her own fear and doubts about her usefulness. It’s good if she has a light and strong character to calmly wait for her happiness or build it herself. And if not?

Mind your own business, gentlemen, and you will be happy.

Every girl, barely realizing her gender, dreams of “simple female happiness” - the happiness of loving and being loved, of a family, of children. Where do old maids come from - women beyond age and time, who devoted their whole lives only to work (after all, she does not have and never had a personal life, in the usual sense for everyone), considering men only as an atavistic appendage to that organ, which, due to a misunderstanding they were given to use it for the continuation of the human race, but which they cannot properly dispose of?

Raised in a family dominated only by women (most often having a generally negative opinion of all men), the future old maid has no (or almost never) experience of communicating with males. Lovely and obedient, “good boys”, such girls usually study well, do housework with pleasure, they bypass the boys in the yard and at school, because at home they inspire her that nothing good can be expected from them, as well as from men in general. and they need "only one". After graduating from school, they enter some "female" university, and then work in an exclusively female team. Usually this is a library, school, clinic, where men are extremely rare, and if they do, they are either already burdened with a family, or are more interested in their profession than women. It is difficult for her to see in a fattening bald man the image of the Enchanted Prince - she sees in him only a lustful male, ready to encroach on her honor and then leave her.

Sweet and modest, she does not hang around the neck of every man she meets. Afraid of provoking the attention of a person who in no way satisfies her excessive demands, she sits quietly in a corner, silently assessing what is happening. But who knows what storms are raging in her sweet, neatly combed head?

The thoughts of this girl are naive and pure. It is this spiritual purity and sincerity that attracts lovers of innocent and immaculate girls to her. Book girls, most often brought up in a family where a man exists only as an abstract concept, draw in their imagination the image of a Prince Charming who has no flaws. It is known that in reality such men simply do not exist, but the girl does not want to believe this, therefore she does not notice decent men who at least somewhat correspond to her ideal.

And the point, apparently, is that she simply does not know how to separate reality from a fairy tale.

She carries her virginity and virtue like a proud banner, without realizing that men can have their own selection criteria, and if this criterion is the only one that suits them when choosing a life mate, how much can she count on? After all, men are actively looking for their ideal, and modern Princesses are waiting for them at their home. They don't go to parties, they don't meet on the streets, and the Prince Charmings still can't find their way to her house. The girl meets only those who are recommended to her by her mother, aunts and grandmothers, but those applicants who appear on her way do not pass her “casting”: the main advantage of the naive girl is the romanticism of Don Quixote, perfect appearance, excellent manners, impeccable musical the taste and sharing of her bookish outlook on life. The role of sex in understanding such a Turgenev girl is so insignificant that it can be completely neglected. Only marital duty in the dark under the covers, in chaste poses, and only because all men are “rude animals”.

These “cockroaches” sit so firmly in her head that she dismisses all applicants, not wanting to notice in them either their reliability, or their willingness to participate with her in raising children and the desire to make their common life cozy and comfortable for both, the desire to respect not only his own, but also her opinion. Actually, everything that women look for in men.

And the years go by, and gradually there are fewer and fewer people who want to see her as their princess, until a thin stream of possible Princes dries up completely. The girl ceases to believe in love, but although she is tired of loneliness, her book ideas are so strong that she cannot neglect them, and continues to wait for the perfect man. At the same time, she again looks for in men only those “fabulous” features that she once formed in her early youth, and cannot, because she does not want to see in them real features that make up the character and habits of a real person.

She is ready for love, ready to give herself to her beloved, but those of the men whom she once rejected are already married for a long time, and the “second grade”, to which she is ready to agree, does not really strive to connect with her life. You can still save it, reconsider your views, get out of the shell of inaccessibility and arrogance, see in earthly, real men with an unromantic appearance loyalty and honesty, decency and a sense of responsibility for your family. It is worse if the girl cannot and will not be able to get out of the world of dreams in time.

Without reconsidering her views on life as a fairy tale, looking for still beautiful princes in real men, she remains alone, with an extinct look, tired of loneliness and lost faith in love. She hates men, because they did not see, did not see her beautiful pure soul, did not appreciate her impulses to make the world cleaner and did not want to take her virginity as a priceless gift, as a sacrifice in the name of love and devotion to the only Prince Charming in the world. And this is no longer a Turgenev girl, but an old maid.

It’s curious, prejudices about the subordinate position of a woman have practically become obsolete, but until now, girls who have not married before a certain age (who did not have close or long-term relationships with a man) are considered old maids. And this nickname is by no means honorable, people see in this not purity and purity, but the inferiority of the girl and her unsuitability for family life. Is it really that scary to be an old maid?

Who are the old maids?

Previously, a girl who did not marry (and therefore retained physiological virginity) until the age of 25 was considered an old maid. All married women felt sorry for her, because only a widower could take such a wife, and so the girl had to while away her life as a host. Today, old maids are those who did not have time to get married and have children by the age of 30-35. It is curious that now an old maid can also be called one that had many sexual partners, that is, the physiological side of the issue is of little concern to society. But unmarried ladies are still condemned by many and branded with an offensive nickname. That is why the girls think how not to remain an old maid, and try to drag their boyfriends to the registry office. There are even such persons who are going to be married until the age of 30 by all means. Let the relationship not work out, and in a few years (or even months) you will have to go through a divorce, but you had a chance to wear a ring on your finger. It's good that there are few such victims of public opinion, because you can be an old maid and having a rich sex life, and having been married, and giving birth to a couple of children. It's all about the psychology of the old maid, this is a kind of diagnosis, a disease that needs to be fought if the desire to create happy family hasn't disappeared.

Psychology of old maids

The age at which unmarried girl considered an old maid, it is difficult to name, because he is not a defining characteristic. It is unlikely that someone will turn their tongues to call a well-groomed, stylish business woman of 40-45 years old an old maid. And it's not even about physiology - many girls who part with innocence late do not at all evoke associations with the image of an old maid. It's all about the character, the lifestyle of such a woman, there is even the so-called old maid syndrome. It is expressed in a special attitude towards others, in the manner of communication. Such ladies are usually exorbitantly sarcastic, making fun of everything they can, especially men. They love to predict unhappy endings to their girlfriends and acquaintances and gloat when their predictions come true. Old maids are overly interested in the sexual aspect of life. Two options are possible here: either a woman constantly talks about the decline of morals, talks about pornography that has flooded the screens, the Internet and magazines, or she behaves like a sex guru, trying to give her married acquaintances advice on this part, drawing knowledge from women's publications.

How not to be an old maid?

If you are overly exposed to public opinion and sincerely If you think that by the age of 30 you definitely need to get married, then you have only one way - to continue searching for a candidate for the role of husband. And having found him, drag the fan to the registry office by any means. To gain self-confidence and fight against complexes, you can contact a specialist.

If you do not consider yourself flawed due to the lack of a permanent partner, then you do not need any of this. True, it’s worth periodically checking yourself for signs of an old maid in order to burn them out with a red-hot iron. You don't want to turn into an untidy grouch, do you? So don't forget to watch your appearance, for the manner of communication with others. And do not be afraid to flirt with the opposite sex - such a game will not hurt you, even if it does not develop into a romance.