How to get rid of the desire to please everyone. How to get rid of the desire to be good for everyone

Why do we care so much about pleasing other people? Why do we need to be good to everyone and please everyone? Are you afraid that others will speak ill of you? Are you waiting for their recognition and approval? It's a vicious circle and endless life cycle because people will always try to sit on your neck and take advantage of you. Is always! "Could you babysit my baby Friday night?" “Would you like to help me make repairs?” "Won't you pick me up from work tomorrow?"

Remember: when you have to choose between yes or no, choose what feels like freedom. It is unlikely that you feel free if you are taking a colleague to the airport on Sunday morning, walking the neighbor's dog, or painting a friend's fence. Although at this time you just would like to sleep!

How to stop being such a trouble-free person (and still remain good for others)?

1. Slow down!

The next time someone asks you for something (text message, sms), wait for a response. Yes, just slow down and do not react immediately, even if in principle you are inclined to agree. Just show people how you should be treated and teach them what to expect from you. Immediate response means you are available on demand. And this is not true! You are not a slave or a robot. Wait a while if you can!

2. Provide an alternative

“No” is a complete, complete, and exhaustive sentence. And it is true. But if you really want to soften your “no”, instead of trying to justify (“I would love to, but my cat is sick ... I have a migraine ... I am waiting for a plumber ... my father-in-law is visiting ...”), you can provide an alternative. This is helpful too! Something like, "I'd love to help you pick out a new couch on Saturday, but not this weekend because I'm busy."

3. Understand that you have a choice.

You may say "no" more often than you think.

“But I can't say no to Laura. She got me a ticket to a concert last month.”
"But I have to take on this urgent project to impress my new boss."

When a choice comes up that makes you feel uncomfortable, pause. Then remember again: when you have to choose between yes or no, choose what feels like freedom. You have many more options to choose from, even if you don't think so.

4. Saying “no” will get easier and easier over time.

Imagine that the ability to refuse is your muscle. The more you train this skill, the stronger it becomes, and the faster you get used to this skill. And by the way, others also get used to this skill of yours and expect less and less from you. As soon as you answer several times that you are unavailable and busy, people will gradually stop pestering you with requests and demands. Irony? They even respect you more.

5. Accept that you can't please everyone.

Exhale. You can either consciously make your choice or let other people guide your life. If you hesitate and don't feel like saying yes, then it's a definite no. People around you will always control your schedule and your actions if you let them. And this is a recipe for your own suffering, because there are a lot of people around you: family, friends, colleagues, classmates, classmates, neighbors, a hairdresser, a veterinarian, etc.

Here we will discuss such a topic as: "Do not try to please people."

It is important to understand that very much prevents us from becoming ourselves - this is the desire to please the people around us. Of course, it is quite normal to want to be good in the eyes of other people. We all want to be liked.

But it is important to understand this, it is not you who want to be approved, but your Ego.. The ego feels more significant and larger when it is approved, when it is said to be good, it kind of increases in size. Our true "I" is infinite and has no boundaries, based on this understanding, it makes no sense to please other people, you are already unlimited. In addition, most people all their lives strive for something in life, to earn more money, have more beautiful things, women. In general, anything in the material sense, to prove to others that's who I am, you see what I can do. This is the pursuit of illusion.

People don’t accept and don’t love themselves, and they won’t accept you either and won’t love you, as a result, because if not, then you won’t be able to love another. And not because you are “bad”, but simply there is no acceptance of yourself and the world in them.

Do not try to please people, today they will like you, and then only because it coincides with their interests, not yours, but tomorrow they will not like you and they will criticize you, only because you have gone beyond their ideas about you.
People are lazy, they don't want to re-learn you, they want you to stay the same and be in the same shit as them.

But when they see that you are not the same as you were before, they don’t like you, because you are dangerous for them, or rather for the ego, but since people do not see the ego in themselves, they think that they are the ego , then we can safely say that it is they who feel that you are dangerous to them, you have become unpredictable for them, and they can no longer control and manipulate you.

That's why they say you've changed for the worse. So, remember, you are not money to please everyone. You must have heard it. Stop trying to please someone and be perfect in your own eyes. Live your life. You don't have to live your life the way others see it. Live it the way you see it. Everything that you do, do only for yourself and your own eyes, please yourself better and, as a result, please others.

In the end, you don’t have so much time anyway, life will fly by like a moment. Appreciate every moment in your life. Live your vision, your thoughts, your ideas. Once you stop trying to please other people, you can finally be just yourself, without any artificial glitches and complications. You will be simple, and simplicity attracts and attracts. WITH common people easy.

You will check and see, just do not give up right away. Keep going and believing that you can do it. And besides, when you try to please a person and impress him, from the outside it looks ridiculous. But when you are just yourself, it attracts. Therefore, it is important to be a failure and not to try to please someone. So just be yourself.

The results of the article on the topic: "Do not try to please people"

• do not try to please others, it is very visible from the outside and makes you unnatural;
• it is impossible to please everyone, therefore there is no point in doing it;
• please yourself, look for approval only in your own eyes;
• this ego in you wants to please other people and determines its feeling through the vision of the people around you, in order to be able to see in yourself, you need to develop awareness;
• when you can just be yourself, it attracts and makes you charming, when you don’t pay attention to people’s assessments, don’t evaluate yourself in any way, only then the true essence appears, which is impossible to talk about, you can only BE.

If the reader has any question, you can always ask it in the comments under this article.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.

© Bill Cosby

When I was in school, my life seemed boring and uninteresting to me. I'll grow up, and only then will it begin real life, I thought. And so I graduated from school, college, went to work, got married, gave birth to children, but life did not become interesting.

Many years passed before I thought about what was to blame. The time has come when I wanted to become happy, but did not know how? I started looking for information and finally realized that I don’t love myself at all. I saw in myself a lot of shortcomings and almost did not find advantages. I always put my few interests last. I was always worried about what people would say about me. I realized that all my life I lived by the principle: "It should be so." And then I asked myself: “Who needs it? And what do I want?”

That's when I began to consciously change my life. It has been a long journey of self-transformation. But I passed it.

I came up with the idea to write a book about how to love yourself? This information is now of interest to many, but you can’t answer this question unequivocally, so I offer one of the chapters for now.

And now we just need honesty. Do you have a desire to please everyone, to be good (or good) to everyone? Are you worried about what people will say about you? Can you say a firm "no"?

Our development as a person begins in childhood. And most often this is influenced by the attitude towards us of the closest people - parents. And our parents, who themselves were brought up in the spirit: “Lenin, the party, the Komsomol!”, did not always give us due attention, and sometimes even love. You shouldn't blame them for this. Parents always give us only what they can give. We ourselves are now adults, and we can make a difference in relation to ourselves and our children.

The desire to be (seem) good in the eyes of other people, what does it say? We seek the approval of others for the sole purpose of feeling our need, significance. And for what? To somehow boost your self-esteem!

Read also:. I just stopped waiting and expecting something ... And at that moment it suddenly felt so easy in my soul, it was as if I began to live. I took it and started.

All this comes from self-loathing. In each of us there is an infinite source of Love - this is the very particle of the Spirit of the Creator, which is Love. But this source is reliably closed by us, littered with all the same beliefs, restrictions, unmanifested emotions, resentments, fears, the same low self-esteem.

So what do you do? How to stop depending on someone else's opinion?

How to learn to say “no” to something that is clearly not included in our plans and prevents us from being happy? We need to clear the way to this source, let it shine and let it flow freely, filling us with love from within.

We are all looking for love in this life, because it is precisely love that is the meaning of our stay on Earth. But we are looking for it outside, and therefore we demand it from others: “Love me, I am good!” And you need to look within yourself.

There is a wonderful story:

An old Hindu legend tells that there was a time when all people were gods. But they neglected their divinity.

And Brahma, the Supreme God, decided to take away their Divine Power and hide it in a place where it could not be found. However, finding such a place was a big problem.

And Brahma gathered together all the supreme Deities to solve this problem. And they suggested: "Let's hide the Divinity under the Earth!".But Brahma replied, “No, that will not do. Man will start digging and find Her again.”

The deities offered another option: "Then let's throw Her into the very depths of the Ocean!" But Brahma again replied, “No. Sooner or later, a person will explore the depths of the ocean and, finding Her, will bring Her to the surface.

The Deities were at a dead end, they didn't know where they could hide Divinity. And it seemed that there is no such place on Earth or in the Sea that would be inaccessible to man. But then Brahma objected: “This is what we will do with Divinity: We will hide It in the depths of man himself, because this is the only place where he will never look for”.

Since then, man has been running around the Earth to explore it all: since then he has been searching, climbing and descending, diving and digging in search of a thing that can only be found inside himself!

That's why we went on a journey to ourselves, to find the essence in ourselves, whose name is Love.

For reference: "A postulate is a statement accepted without evidence, and serving to build some new theory."

And since we are creating with you no less than our new picture of the world, we simply need them! So:

• No one has to live up to your expectations

Unexpected, right? We are accustomed to think quite differently. Every person has free will. And only he himself (being “concurrently” a Great Soul) every minute makes a choice of what next experience he wants to live. We can only ask, but we have no right to demand and expect anything. We should learn to respect each other's personal boundaries.

For the same reason:

• You don't have to live up to anyone's expectations

You never know what someone fantasizes for themselves and will expect this from you! You are not responsible for their "cockroaches". So right?

And finally:

• You don't have to live up to your own expectations of yourself.

A lot of what we should have been invested in our heads since childhood. And we have one thing - to observe inner harmony, not to betray our feelings.

Have you ever been in such situations when you do something, in your opinion, correct and reasonable, but in the eyes of others it looks stupid and ridiculous. You want to turn back time, correct the situation, but there is no turning back. And you are unhappy because people close to you, friends and colleagues do not understand you ...

When we do something, we always expect approval, a positive assessment from others, as if we only understand that we are doing the right thing. We are strongly dependent on someone else's point of view, because of which we cannot live fully. Every time we try to fit our actions and actions into the social norms of behavior of other people.

Psychologists believe that desire to please the people around you quite natural, but only as long as it does not turn into a desire to be perfect. The point is that we are all different. And if one person takes into account his desires and needs and correlates them with others, then the other person will do what other people want from him, contrary to his moral values ​​and desires.

Self-esteem

Often a person wants to inspire approval in the eyes of others. The reason for this is low self-esteem and an inability to see the good and bad sides in oneself. Only through the prism of someone else's opinion are they able to understand whether they did so in a certain situation. And this happens not because a person does not love himself, but because he cannot correctly evaluate his own actions.

So a person gets rid of responsibility for his self-esteem, shifting it to the judgment of others. If he cannot evaluate himself, then he merges into one with others. For such a person, the solution to his problems is based on the opinions of others, and not on personal moral values.

This type of behavior, such as receiving approval from other people, is characteristic of children's experiences. In an adult, such a type is formed in the event that in childhood he felt the manifestation of parental love, only when he justified their hopes. Then such a life position is formed, where a person, in order to receive approval of his actions and deeds, must justify the expectations of the people around him.

Also, the desire to please others is manifested by perfectionists. However, in this case, it is necessary to speak not just about approval, but about the need to evoke a feeling of admiration, which ultimately leads to an even greater conflict between the individual and the real world.

I want to please

If a person wants to please others very much, he behaves something like this:

He speaks neutrally, is afraid of offending others. If a friend’s blouse sits disgustingly, instead of an honest answer, he will say that “she’s not bad in principle.”

Does not conflict with people, because he is afraid of condemning his actions and behavior.

He always consults with other people, although he knows exactly what to do. He just needs confirmation of the correctness of his decision.

Often changes his point of view, even if a minute ago he was convinced of the opposite. Although this does not happen immediately: from the very beginning he is in doubt, then he gradually convinces himself that he is wrong and the truth is on the side of the other person.

He often sacrifices his personal interests, goes to watch not the film that he was waiting for the premiere, but the one that his friends like. For him, the main thing is the happiness of close people, acquaintances, which means that they are satisfied with him.

Always doing something in his head, the thought is spinning: “Look, I am a wonderful hostess, an excellent employee, a reliable friend.” A person, as it were, evaluates himself according to the positive reviews of other people, and not according to internal feelings.

Often requires moral support in a given situation. He may even be offended if in a dispute they do not go over to his side. But in the end, they still change their minds in order to be good in their eyes.

Take a closer look at such a person, it is very easy to recognize him: he is patient, attentive, as a rule, pleasant in communication, knows how to behave, knows how to adapt. Quite sociable. Often offers to help in difficult times.

What are the dangers

When a person needs approval, he lives his life, taking into account the social position of society, and performs only those actions that the people around him expect from him. So a person loses himself behind other people's "good" and "bad", and as a result does not satisfy his personal needs. This does not bring him joy, he lives not for himself, but for other people. Then new problems begin: acquaintances, friends, colleagues sit on a person's neck, and without any gratitude for that, they consider him to be trouble-free in the order of things. As a rule, such people cannot do, show their the best sides, afraid to make a mistake and stand out from the crowd.

Fight addiction to someone else's point of view

They say when we least want to to please people we like them more. This is explained by the fact that, having his own opinion, a firm position in life, a person evokes sympathy and respect. He is extremely sincere, confident in himself, in his actions and actions. This is a strong personality who does not need the approval of other people, but at the same time does not forget to listen to the opinions of others.

This is the secret: you need to accept yourself as you are, with all the advantages and disadvantages, and stop depending on someone else's opinion. Define your desires, priorities, moral standards, boundaries and create your own rules of life.