I am a message in psychology examples with children. The shortest i-message
Everyone normal person At least once in life, I dreamed of a spell, which will help him establish contacts with other people. It does not matter who it is: child, boss or just familiar.
The most offensive thing is that there is such a magical spell, but it's not so long ago to talk about it. This is the so-called "I-message".
SAMI best instruction The methods of communication, in my opinion, is described in the books of Yulia HippenReuter - I recommend reading.
What we are accustomed to
- You again did not remove toys!
How often do we say something like this! But what happens: on the one hand, it is a pure truth - the case is not one. On the other hand it turns out that this particular person does it with enviable regularity.
Again you play these computer games!
You might think that others do not. But what does another person hear?
Accusations, discontent. What is his natural reaction, especially if this is a child or spouse? "I got", "again I'm extreme", "Yes, yes, I'm bad, I know." That is, a person is trying on himself no need to do something, but a negative! Self-esteem falls, a person begins to feel herself not necessary, flawed, eternal interference.
I-message on the shelves
And now let's see what happens if you say the same, but in other words:
I upset me that you have to stumble about toys. So you can fall and hurt.
I am worried about when they play on the computer too long. It is harmful to the eyes.
The difference is visible immediately: in the second options, no one is to blame. The message is equally applicable to any family member. That is, the offensive Association "Again, I am no extreme" does not occur.
Moreover, this phrase will not dig and do not crowd through the teeth. While it will formulate it - already calm down.
The combination of such features allows a person to hear our true emotions, which we ourselves can not suspect. In addition, I-messages do not provoke further conflict. No one offended anyone - nothing to argue with anything.
I was so worried that you were late - we are talking about what worried that a person is not indifferent to us. And if you do not think about the words, what would mom say the son of a teenager late for home? I think everyone has many options in the head and almost all of them will lead to an inevitable conflict between close people.
I'm not a magician, I'm just learning
Of course, this method, like any other you need to learn, hone the skill. It is much easier to give a personalized you message than to build an unusual impersonal phrase. But it's worth trying.
And how many relationships with children are wonderfully settled! But, alas, not immediately. And on some i-messages it is impossible to build trusting relationships. But smoothed very many sharp corners - Surprisingly easy.
Especially if you know how to praise and scold. After all, each of these cases have their subtleties and secrets.
If you are interested, I will tell you about it.
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An interesting fact: then the madness in which you fall into today, simply did not exist 10, 20 years ago. In those days, you would not manifold your phone every few minutes, falling into anger, then in despair, experiencing flour just because the person did not send you a short stupid message.
Modern novel is stress, especially when it comes to correspondence. In 2010, only 10% of young people used messages to invite someone to date for the first time. In 2013 - already 32%. More and more people are sitting alone, staring at the phone screen, and at the same time experience a whole range of emotions.
Several minutes passed, and the status of my message has changed to "Read". My heart has stopped. Here he is the moment of truth. I prepared and not looking around, as these small points appear on the smartphone screen, which show that someone prints you. Feelings like a slow ride to the highest part of the slide. But goes for a few seconds - and that's all, they disappeared. And no answer.
Hmmm ... What happened? It takes a few more minutes and ... nothing. It takes 15 minutes ... Nothing. My confidence comes on no, they begin to torment doubts. It takes an hour ... Nothing. It takes two hours ... Nothing. It takes three hours ... Begins light panic. I reread your message. I was confident in it, but now I start guessing what's wrong with him.
"I am such a fool! It was necessary to dial "hello!" With two "e", and not one. I asked too many questions. What am I only thinking? Oh, it was necessary to ask about something else. Aziz, what's wrong with you and your questions? "
Aziz Ansari (Aziz Ansari)
Technological progress today allows us to contact your favorite person instantly. But there are no less problems from this. For example, how to invite a girl or a guy for a date? Do you need to call? Or write sms? Or add friend and send a message to social network? How much do you need to wait before answering the invitation? Obviously, changes in our personal life appeared with progress. We otherwise appreciate the partner, otherwise tie and build relationships.
Comic Aziz Ansari decided to figure out the problems of modern romantic relationship And together with a sociologist from New York University, Eric Klinenberg, developed a large-scale research project. From 2013 to 2014, they worked with focus groups and conducted polls around the world, and also organized an interview with famous researchers of romantic relations. The results of this study resulted in the book "Actively searching", in which, among other things, can be found and answer to the question of what to do, as soon as you sent or received a message.
How much time do you need to wait before answering the message?
This question caused most disputes and disagreements among the respondents. And what tactics usually adhere to people.
- Response time doubling tactics: You are answered in five minutes, you are waiting for ten. Thus, you will always be in a more winning position, because you will seem more busy and less affordable than your interlocutor.
- Some are waiting for a few minutes to show that there is something more important in their lives than the phone.
- Part of the respondents believes that it is better to double the answer time, but sometimes you can answer and quickly, there is nothing terrible (as, however, and in too diligent answer).
- Some people assure that they are waiting for exactly 1.25 from the response time.
- Others argue that it is enough to wait three minutes.
- There were those who are already on the throat with such games, so they meet immediately as soon as they saw the message. They believe that their answers without spending expectations seem more alive and more confident.
But do these tactics really work? And why so many people adheres to them? Let's see if these strategies relate to real psychological research.
Reply as reward
IN last years Scientists dealing with behavioral problems have studied the question of why expectation tactics have such a powerful impact on people.
You will seem less attractive if you respond to messages immediately.
Psychologists held hundreds of studies in which they are in different conditions gave remuneration animals. One of the most interesting finds is the "indefinite award", that is, the situation when the animal, pressing the lever, cannot predict whether it will receive a remuneration. It turned out that uncertainty largely increases the interest of the animal in obtaining awards: the level of dopamine increases, so that it can be said, it is thrown away from this feeling.
In laboratory animals, which, with each press on the lever, received a reward, the interest in the end comes to no. After all, they know that as soon as the remuneration will want, they will receive it.
The same principle is in relation to the same principle: if you are a guy or a girl who answer messages without delay, you are starting to be perceived as tribuning. As a result, you reduce your value as a reward. This means that another person will not have a strong need to answer the message. Or, as in the case of laboratory animals, needs to press the lever.
What is common to correspondence and gambling
Messaging is a medium in which our mind begins to work specifically. Before everyone appeared cell PhonesPeople have always waited for some time (a few hours or days) before calling back, but so that another person does not experience anxiety. Correspondence has learned us to get faster answers. According to polls, this indicator varies from a person to a person in the interval from 10 minutes to one hour.
Natasha Schul (Natasha Schüll), anthropologist from Massachusetts Technological University (USA), studies dependence on gambling, in particular, what happens to the minds and bodies of people who picked up on slot machines. Unlike cards, races or weekly lottery, which make the players wait (their turn, when the horses finish, the start of the weekly draw), slot machines allow you to play gambling without delay, as the player promptly receives information.
You used to expect an instant result, so you begin to lose patience at any slightest delays. When you rewrite with a person who you like, but which you still know not well enough, it is very similar to the gaming machine. There is also a lot of uncertainty, anticipation, anxiety. You are configured to receive a message. You want it, you need it right now. But if you do not get a quick response, it knocks you out of the gauge.
Natasha Shul
Text messages differ from the messages that people left on the answering machines before the advent of smartphones. The message on the answering machine can be compared with the purchase of a lottery ticket. You know in advance that you have to wait until you know the winning numbers. You do not expect that you will immediately call back. You can even enjoy this feeling of unknown, because you know in advance that you have to wait a few days. But in the case of text messages, if you do not get a response after 15 minutes, then start going crazy.
How to seem more attractive in the eyes of another person
Psychological principles associated with expectations may be a very useful strategy for a lonely person who wants to seem more attractive.
For example, let's assume that you are a man who met with three women in the bar. The next day you write them. Two respond quickly enough, and the third does not respond at all. The first two women showed interest to you, and your brain, having received the answer, calmed down. But the third woman who did not respond, created uncertainty, and your brain begins to look for an explanation of her act. You do not lose interest: "Why doesn't she answer? What is wrong with me? Maybe I did something wrong? " This uncertainty, as established social psychologists, can lead to severe romantic attractiveness.
Team of scientists - Eric Whitchurch, Timothy Wilson (Timothy Wilson) and Daniel Gilbert (Daniel Gilbert) - conducted a study during which women were demonstrated profiles different men In the social network Facebook, which in turn, told what they think about their profiles.
- One group of women showed profiles of men who appreciated the profiles of the subjects from this group as the best.
- The second group was told that they were demonstrated by the profiles of men who appreciated their accounts as medium.
- The third group showed profiles of men who could not decide, like these women or not.
It was expected that women would give preference to men who appreciated them as the best, and not as medium (according to the principle of reciprocity - we like people who love us). Nevertheless, women often preferred men from an undefined group. Later they also reported that they thought more about men who did not decide in the assessment.
When you think a lot about a person, his image is firmly strengthened with you in your head, which, ultimately, can lead to the occurrence of attraction.
Another idea from social psychologyThat concerns our games with expectation is the principle of deficit. Usually we perceive something as more desirable when it seems unavailable to us. Thus, when you rarely receive messages from someone, in fact, this man artificially creates a deficit and represents itself in a more advantageous light.
Do not take everything on your own expense
You wrote a person and invited him to a date, and from him there is no reaction. What to do in such a situation? I certainly do not sprinkle your head ashes and think what you said or did wrong. Do not forget that sometimes it's not about you, but in the fact that other factors come into play. In a person's life, something can happen about what you do not have the slightest concept, but it may affect his desire to make relationships.
"Don't tell me what to do
and I will not say where you go "
Razing joke.
Thursday - the week is nearing completion. If you are still thinking about how to softening to your subordinate mistakes in your work and explain how it is more correct, or if you need to talk to your husband or wife regarding some kind of behavior or actions that make you nervous and worry, or if Your child does not understand your discontent and does everything as if you're "for evil", then it's time to think about how we usually try to convey our thoughts to people who live, work, rest with Radom with us. The fact is that we often blame other people in misunderstanding, in negative emotions, in reluctance to listen and hear us, without noticing how we yourself do not want to negatively impact their emotions, we ourselves provoke protective reactions, response aggression and reluctance follow our right advice". How does this happen? No matter how surprisingly, this is due to improper construction of phrases! Not because of what exactly we want to say or what we do it! The problem may be in how we do it! The same thought can be verbalized in different ways. Conditionally all of our messages to other people can be divided into two types of "i messages" and "you messages". The difference is that when we build our phrases by type "I-Messages", then we, above all, describe what happens to us in response to the behavior or words of another person, and do not specify him how to act, what would We got better. "You-message", on the contrary, first of all, contains a recommendation to another, how to deal with it, while it can absolutely not to transfer any information about why we believe that another person should do it. Simply put, "I-Message" is a frank information about you, about what you need, what your needs consist of what your reaction to those or other words of the interlocutor, his behavior and / or the current situation. "You-a message" is an attempt to influence another, bypassing the explanation of your own state, in fact this is an order, criticism, often accusations. A simple example of SMS correspondence: Message "Where are you?"we all familiar well - maybe we ourselves sent more than once and received similar messages. And what feeling causes such a message from the recipient? He needs to report, give explanations, maybe even justify? Whether he wanted to send a message? Maybe he / she wanted to say "I'm waiting for you!", "I missed (missed)!"or "I have no time to wait, let's transfer our meeting the next day"?Do you feel the difference? These are examples of "you messages" and "I-Messages".And although at first glance the difference between "I" and "You messages" may seem insignificant, that promise that the interlocutor receives is different in messages dramatically!
Undoubtedly, "you-message" is more familiar. However, "I-message" pays so many pleasant bonuses that all the "difficulties of translation" quickly disappear, it is only worth starting to communicate in a new way! The cunning (and complexity at the same time) application of "I-messages" is that first of all we will have to think and understand what we actually happen to us - what we feel, how we feel, what we want and why, in response to That we had this emotion, why we accepted this decision or entered this condition. No matter how it seemed strange, but we are often so busy to point to others what to do that it is simply everyone to take carefully watch yourself, we ourselves stop understanding - how can we expect that other people understand us correctly? Obviously, in order for us to better understand others, we will have to learn how to understand themselves! Listen to, look closely feeling any internal states of states. Instruction: 1. Read more to express your discontent, pay first attention to the fact that you yourself feel, you think, feel. Name it about yourself, verbalize, let this definition: "I am still irritating now and think that my chief" Idiot "." 2.Think what you really want From the situation and conversation with it related: you really want to change the situation, prevent its further occurrence or you want to "merge" your negative emotion on the other and be it!? 3. If you want real changes, then follow the instructions further, if not, then "stupidly" drain emotion and let everything happen again. 4. Depending on what you want to achieve In communication, make up your "I-message" about the fact that you are not satisfied with other people. For example: "When screaming on me, I feel a guilty schoolboy and even cease to understand the interlocutor" or "when you delay at work and do not call, I feel anxious and starting to go crazy." 5. Using in your phrases mostly words "I", "Me", "Me"etc. (instead of the usual "you", "you", "you", etc.) 6. Consider with the "Translator" below. Make your own list of "you messages" from those phrases that you say and which you speak at work, at home, in a friendly communication. Move the "you messages" in "I-Messages". 7.Scider about this approach as you can more Friends and acquaintances. Help each other to make the transfer of your messages - sometimes it is easier to reformulate someone else and it turns out better when emotions do not interfere with constructively think. 8. Maximally, use your new "i messages" instead of the usual "you messages". Have fun from new constructive and enjoyable communication! Examples of possible translations:
| 1.You-report | 2.I-message |
| - Improve the flame before your eyes! | -When you walk "there and here" it is very difficult for me to focus! |
| - Include music as you can talk! | -Music prevents me to work |
| - Agree agreement now | -When I do not get documents from you on time, I have very unpleasant conversations with customers, and our "feedback book and suggestions" is replenished with new complaints about my work |
| -Prack me to Kamit! | -When I hear rudeness in my address, I generally disappears the desire to communicate and want to leave |
| -Is worth changing the style of clothing! | - Our bank adopted a single style of clothing for all employees. When someone violates this rule, it causes the leadership discontent. |
| -Uberi from the table! | - I do not like when dirty dishes remain on the table |
| - It is warmer! | - I'm worried about your health. |
Expressing your feelings and thoughts in the format of "I-Messages" we give the right to make a decision to make a decision, feel free in your choice, therefore, we deliver it from the need to defend themselves. However, the application of "I-messages" requires us also courage and high self-esteem, because giving the opportunity to a person himself to decide whether to respond to our comments at all, we invariably recognize the true attitude to us - is it important for him by our opinion, is trying if He keep warm relationships with us, whether its feelings are worried. And if the answer is not the most joyful for us, then we will have to do something about it, it is possible to take uncomfortable or difficult solutions for us, from which we hid for a long time. And even in this case, "I-messages" work on us - giving information and the soil for reflection. In the overwhelming majority of cases, the replacement of "you-messages to" I-messages "leads to a pacification, improving mutual understanding, normalizes relations and increases the overall level of communication - it becomes more positive, more respectful and mutually pleasant!
"I-message" is more effective way Influence on a person in order to change his behavior that we are not acceptable, and at the same time maintains a favorable relationship between people. Let's analyze this on the example of the parent message, which is tired and does not feel the desire to play with the child: The tired parent sends the Child "You-Message": "You tired me", and the child perceives information as - "I am bad". The tired parent sends a "I-Message" to the child: "I am very tired", child reaction - "Dad is tired".
the main objective "I-Messages" - not to force someone to do something, and report your opinion, your position, your feelings and demand; In this form, the other will hear and will understand them much faster. Learn how to send "i-messages" is not easy, it may be an error at first. And the main one is that sometimes, starting with "I-messages", we finish "you-message." For example: "I am annoying that you do not remove in your room!" (Compare: "I am annoying a mess in the room!"). You can avoid mistakes using impersonal proposals, uncertain pronouns, generalizing words.
Inexperienced parents use "I-messages" to transfer their negative feelings and forget to send them to transfer positive feelings. For example, a teenager, contrary to arrangement, came home late at night. Possible dialogue: Rod.: "I am outraged by you." Reb.: "I know that late." Rank.: "I'm really upset that I had to do not sleep." Reb.: "Why? You would sleep and not worried. " Rank.: "How could I? I went crazy ", etc. Here the parent sends only negative "I-messages". In this situation, the instructor specifically asks the parent: "How did you actually feel when the daughter entered the house? What was your first feeling? " The parent reports that this is a feeling of tremendous relief that she returned safely, whole and unharmed. The dialogue with a positive "i-message" looks like this: Rank.: "Thank God, you finally came home. I'm so glad, what relief. I was so afraid that something happened. " Reb.: "You are really glad." The second confrontation is completely different quality. Trying to "present a lesson", we usually lose the most more valuable opportunities to teach them much more fundamental lessons: for example, that we love them so much.
Here are the basic rules of "I-Messages"
4 steps.
1. Feeling.
I worry, it hurts me, I feel offended, I'm angry, I am overwhelmed with hatred ... ..
Sometimes it is possible to voice the feeling - my whole squeezes, I am a stone, .... I leave my hands from fear ... ..
2. Fact.
When you ...... so you say, such a tone you add to me, you look at me, do not call me, you say about it ....
3. Explanation.
It is important to explain to the partner what happens to you. Why do you feel that ...
because I draw in my fantasy the most terrible paintings, ....... Because I used to hurt much and I am afraid that you can do the same, ... because I do not understand what happens to me, ... .. because It seems to me that you ..., .... Because I feel like a child in front of the teacher ...., Because
4. Desire.
How do you want to come with you and that you and the partner will receive as a result.
I would like to go next time, ... .. And then I ... .. and we ... .. and you ... ..
An example of using all 4 steps.
1.Mnnet scary
2. When you talk so loudly.
3. Because I associate a scream with my childhood when I shouted the pea father ......
4. I would like that you would restrain your anger next time and spoke calmly ....
It is possible that you, like many adults, who are familiar with the method of reflective hearing, say yourself:
"It is very elevated and noble to help the child to realize their feelings, but I have feelings, and it would be nice to know about them."
To inform the child about the feelings experienced by the parent, you can both effectively and inefficiently. The difference will become understandable if you understand the difference between the designs:
"You-message" and "i-message"
Many "messages" that adults "send" to the child, contain the word "you": "It would be better to postpone it," "You should not do that" and so on. In this case, "you" offend and makes another person feel Himself unhappy.
Formula "I - Message" shows what feelings you cause the behavior of a child. For example: "I can't explain the lesson when someone is so noise" or "I don't like that toys are scattered on the floor." This formula Focus on the feelings of an adult and does not blame the child.
The "I - Message" formula turns out to be more effective because it realizes confidence and respect, giving the child the opportunity to maintain good well-being. Moreover, it reduces the antagonism between the adult and the child. How to build "I am a message"? We have already understood that, trying to adjust the behavior of the child, we must focus on his behavior, and not on his self-awareness.
Now let's make the next step: the parent or pedagogical anger is usually not the behavior of the child, but the consequences of such behavior.
These are the very consequences that intersect with desires or rights of adults.
If an adult does not perceive the consequences of a child's behavior as frustrating and angry, then it is likely to be worried if only a child's actions are really harmful and dangerous.
For example, Mom is engaged in washing, while children spend a great time, laughing loudly and dangling. At this point, everyone is busy and not bored with each other. A neighbor calls on the door, and mom, opening, begins to talk with her. Now the noise produced by the children causes irritation from her, because it hinders a conversation with a neighbor.
This example shows that you are often annoyed not so much the behavior of children, but its consequences for you personally. That is why it is important to say to children that you feel at the same time. It is also necessary to give children to understand that the experiences of the adult belong to the consequences of their behavior, and not to behavior itself. In the given example, the mother can say: "Because of this noise, I barely hear Tanya's aunt."
Since irritation is caused by the consequences of the behavior of children, a remark made by adults in accordance with the formula "I - I inform," will be more effective than the usual shock. The design "I - I inform - in response" includes three steps:
1. Accountless description of the child's behavior: "When you spread your things everywhere ...".
2. An indication of how the behavior of the child prevents adult: "... I have to remove them in place."
3. Characteristics of the senses experienced at the same time adults: "... and I absolutely do not like to take this duty."
When using the formula "I - I inform - in response," should be prepared to:
§ Focus on your or someone's experiences, but not on the child;
§ communicate with a child tone showing attention and respect;
§ Avoid accusations, critics, etc.
§ To carefully listen to what the child says about his problem.
Briefly, the formula "I - I inform - in response" in general covers three specific points of the situation:
The behavior of a child - the senses of the parent - the consequences of the child's behavior for an adult.
The following incomplete proposals will help you build communication under this formula:
1. When you ... (setting a child's deed).
2. I feel ... (statement of your experiences).
3. Because ... (state the consequences of the child's behavior).
An optionally harsh adhere to the proposed sequence of certain parts of the formula "I - I inform - in response"; In some cases, you can, for example, omit a message about your experiences. Simple assertions of the type: "I can't remove the apartment, because your bike is lying in the corridor" as effective as the phrase: "When you seek, I absolutely do not hear what they answer me, and it annoys me."
Building a design "I - I inform - in response" depends on the situation. It is important to remember the following:
§ the message is fixed on adult experiences (even if these ignitations are not specifically mentioned);
§ It gives a child an idea of \u200b\u200bwhat his behavior prevents adult;
§ It does not contain accusations of any address. Building a positive relationship between adults and a child is a business at the same time joyful and tedious. In some cases, your efforts are rewarded, in others you are disappointing. It requires great work as a child and an adult.
And at the end of several general rules effective communication Adult and child.
1. Chat with a child friendly, in a valid tone. In order to influence the child, you must learn how to restrain your criticism and see the positive side of communication with the child. The tone you appeal to the child should demonstrate respect for him as a person.
2. Be simultaneously hard and kind. By choosing a method of action, you should not fluctuate. Be friendly and do not act as a judge.
3. Reduce control. Children's control usually requires special attention Adults and rarely leads to success. More efficient is a calm, reflective reality, planning a method of action.
4. Support the child. An adult can support the child, recognizing his efforts and contribution, as well as achievements, as well as demonstrating that he understands his experiences when things are not very good. Unlike the award, support is needed even when the child does not achieve success.
5. Have courage. Changing behavior requires practices and patience. If some approach is not successful, you do not need to despair, you should stop and analyze the experiences and actions - both the child, and their own. As a result, the next time the adult will better know how to do in such a situation.
6. Demonstrate mutual respect. Teachers and parents should demonstrate confidence in the child, confidence in it and respect for him as a person.
Some ways to overcome conflicts between children and adults.
Twelve-year-old Sonya and her mother argued about who should take in the Sony's room. Mother believed that this is the duty of his daughter, but she stated that he would not clean his room.
What happens between dreams and her mother? Mother wants Sonya to be responsible for his room; However, she talks about this as a tone that Sonya occupies a defensive position. On the other hand, whenever Sonya begins to defend himself, the mother becomes more and more "deaf". The conflict is deepened. How to Sona and her mother solve it?
How to resolve contradictions so that everyone won?
Learning to communicate. I'm a message.
When you talk about your feelings of the child, then speak from the first person: about yourself, about your experience, and not about him, not about his behavior.
Statements of this kind of psychologists called "I-messages."
They may be such:
1. I I do not like when children go disheveled and to me Ashamed of the views of the neighbors.
2. To me It is difficult to get ready for work when someone crashes under the legs, and i All the time stumbling.
3. Me Very tires loud music.
Someone from parents could say otherwise:
1. Well, you For sight!
2. stop crawling here you I interfere!
3. You Could you hollow?!
In such statements are used words you, you, you . They can be called "You are messages."
At first glance, the difference between I- "and" You-message "is small. Moreover, the second is more familiar and "more convenient." However, in response to them, the child is offended, defending, kept. Therefore, they should be avoided.
After all, each "you-message", in fact, contains a drop, accusation or criticism of the child. Here is a typical dialogue:
When will you finally begin to clean your room?! (Accusation.)
Well, enough, dad. In the end, this is my room!
How do you talk to me? (Condemnation, threat.)
And what did I say that?
"I-message" has a number advantages Compared to "You - the message."
1. It allows you to express your negative feelings in the universe for a child. Some parents try to suppress outbreaks of anger or irritation to avoid conflicts. However, this does not lead to desired result. As already mentioned, it is impossible to completely suppress my emotions, and the child always knows, we are angry or not. And if angry, then he, in turn, can obey, climb or go to the open quarrel. It turns out the opposite: instead of the world - war.
I recently happened to attend a conversation eleven-year-old girl with my mother. The girl was upset, and recalled, crying, all his "insults":
"You do not think that I do not understand how when you treat me. I see everything! For example, today, when you entered and we twisted the tape recorder, instead of learning lessons, you got angry with me, although I said nothing. And I saw, I saw it, you can not unlock! I understood it by how you looked at me, even how turned my head! "
Such a girl's reaction was a direct consequence of the hidden discontent of her mother. I thought: What kind of thin and observational "psychologists" are our children, and what a lesson did this girl learned to mom (and at the same time), breaking the cold ice of unnecessary silence and giving out their feelings!
2. "I-Message" allows children closer to know us, parents. Often we close from the children of the "authoritative" armor, which we try to maintain anything. We carry the mask of the "teacher" and we are afraid of raising it at least for a moment. Sometimes the children are amazed by learning that mom and dad can feel something at all! It makes an indelible impression on them. The main thing - makes an adult closer, humane.
I recently heard one mother spoke on the phone with a ten-year-old son. Mom (teacher by profession) told him about how difficult for her occupation was successful. "You know," she said, "as I was worried this morning. But everything ended well, and I am very glad! And are you happy? Thank you!". It was nice to observe such emotional proximity between mom and son.
3. When we are open and sincere in the expression of our feelings, children become sincere in their expression. Children begin to feel: adults trust them, and they can also be trusted.
I will give a letter of one mother who asks if she did it:
"We went with her husband when the son was six years old. Now he is eleven, and he became deep, consciously, but more about himself, to miss his father. Somehow I broke out: "I would go to the movies with the dad, and I don't want with you." One day, when the Son directly said that he was bored and sad, I told him: "Yes, son, you are very sad, and sad, probably because we don't have a dad. Yes, and I was sad. You would have dad, my husband, it would be much more interesting to live. Son as broken down: leaned against my shoulder, quiet bitter tears watered.
I fastened the sneaking and me. But both of us became easier ... I thought about it for a long time and somewhere in the depths of the soul I understood what I did right. Is not it?".
Mom intuitively found the right words: she told the boy about his experiences (active hearing), and also told about her ("I-message"). And what both have become easier that mom and son have become closer to each other, - the best proof of the effectiveness of these methods. Children are very quickly absorbed from their parents to Maneru Communication. This also applies to "I-Messages".
"Since I began to use" I-messages, "Pope writes a five-year-old girl, - the daughterhood has almost disappeared as requests like:" Give me! "," Play with me! " More often sounds "I want ...", "I can't wait anymore."
In this way, parents are much easier to learn about the feelings and needs of the child.
4. And last: expressing your feeling without an order or spontaneous, we leave for children the opportunity to make a decision. And then - amazing! - They begin to take into account our desires and experiences.
Learning to send "I-messages" is not easy, just as actively listen to the child. It takes a training, and at first it will be difficult to avoid mistakes. One of them is that sometimes, starting with "I-Messages", parents end up the phrase "you-message".
For example: " To me I don't like that you Such a spare! " or " Me annoying it your Honka! ".
You can avoid this error if you use impersonal sentences, uncertain pronouns, generalizing words. For example:
I do not like when the table is sitting down with dirty hands.
I'm annoyed when the children are humpy.
Tasks
Choose parents from the answers that the most "i-message". (Answers you will find at the end of this lesson).
Situation 1. You once again call the daughter to sit at the table. She replies: "Now," and continues to do their own affairs. You started angry. Your words:
1. How many times do you need to talk!
2. I'm starting to be angry when you have to repeat the same thing.
3. He is angry when you do not listen.
Situation 2. . You have an important conversation with a friend. The child is interrupted by him. Your words:
1. It is difficult for me to talk when they are interrupted.
2. Do not bother to talk.
3. You can't do something else while I speak?
Situation 3. You come home tired. Your teenage son has friends, music and fun. On the table - traces of their tea drinking. You are experiencing a mixed feeling of irritation and resentment ("If I thought about me!"). Your words:
1. Does it not come to mind that I can be tired?!
2. Remove the dishes.
3. I am offended and angry when I come to tired and look at home the mess.
Answers to the task.
Situation 1.
"I-message" will be phrase 2.
In a replica 1 - a typical "you-message", the phrase 3 begins as a "I-message", and then goes to the "you-message".
Situation 2.
"I-message" - phrase 1, both other - "you-message". Although in the second phrase "you" is missing, but it is meant (it is read "between the lines").
Situation 3.
"I-message" - phrase 3.
From the book Hippenrater Yu.B. "Chat with a child How?"
