How to get rid of the desire to please everyone. How to get rid of the desire to be good for everyone

Why do we care so much about pleasing other people? Why do we need to be good to everyone and please everyone? Are you afraid that others will speak ill of you? Are you waiting for their recognition and approval? It's a vicious circle and endless life cyclebecause people will always try to sit on your neck and take advantage of you. Is always! "Could you sit with my baby on Friday night?" "Would you like to help me make repairs?" "Will you pick me up from work tomorrow?"

Remember, when you have to choose between yes or no, choose what feels like freedom. You hardly feel free if you are taking a colleague to the airport on Sunday morning, walking a neighbor's dog, or painting a fence for a friend. Although at this time you just want to sleep!

How to stop being such a reliable person (and still remain good for others)?

1. Slow down!

The next time someone asks you for something (text message, sms), wait for a response. Yes, just slow down and do not react immediately, even if in principle you are inclined to agree. Just show people how to treat you and teach them what to expect from you. An immediate response means you are available when requested. And this is not true! You are not a slave or a robot. Wait a while if you can!

2. Provide an alternative

“No” is a complete, complete and comprehensive sentence. And it is true. But if you really want to soften your “no”, instead of trying to make excuses (“I would love to, but my cat is sick… I have a migraine… I'm waiting for a plumber… My fathers-in-law come to me…”), you can provide an alternative. This is helpful too! Something like, "I'd love to help you pick a new sofa on Saturday, but not this weekend because I'm busy."

3. Understand You Have Choices

You can say no more often than you think.

“But I can't say no to Laura. She got me a ticket to a concert last month. "
"But I have to take on this urgent project to impress my new boss."

When a choice comes up that makes you feel uncomfortable, pause. Then remember again: when you have to choose between yes or no, choose what feels like freedom. You have many more options to choose from, even if you don't think you are.

4. Saying “no” will become easier and easier over time.

Imagine that the ability to refuse is your muscle. The more you practice this skill, the stronger it becomes, and the faster you get used to this skill. And, by the way, others also get used to this skill of yours and expect something from you less and less. As soon as you answer several times that you are unavailable and busy, people will gradually stop pestering you with requests and demands. Irony? They will respect you even more.

5. Recognize that you cannot please everyone.

Exhale. You can either make your choice consciously or let other people rule your life. If you are hesitant, and you do not really want to say "yes" - then this is an unequivocal "no". Others will always control your schedule and your actions, if you let them. And this is a recipe for your own suffering, because there are many people around you: family, friends, colleagues, classmates, classmates, neighbors, hairdresser, veterinarian, etc.

Here we will discuss such a topic as: "Don't try to please people."

It is important to understand what very much prevents us from becoming ourselves - this is the desire to please the people around us. Of course, it's okay to want to be good in the eyes of other people. We all want to be liked.

But it is important to understand this, it is not you who want to be approved, but your Ego... The ego feels more significant and larger when it is approved, when it is said that it is good, it seems to increase in size. Our true "I" is infinite and has no boundaries, based on this understanding, there is no point in liking other people, you are already infinite. In addition, most people all their lives strive for something in life, to earn more moneyhaving more beautiful things, women. In general, anything in the material sense, to prove to others that I am what I am, you see that I can. This is the pursuit of an illusion.

People do not accept and do not love themselves, and they will not accept and love you either, as a consequence, because if not, then you will not be able to love another. And not because you are "bad", but simply because they lack acceptance of yourself and the world.

Do not try to please people, today they will like you, and then, only because it coincides with their interests, not yours, and tomorrow you will not like it and will criticize you, only because you have gone beyond their ideas about you.
People are lazy, they don't want to study you again, they want you not to change and be in the same shit as they are.

But when they see that you are not what you were before, they do not like you, because you are dangerous for them, or rather for the ego, but since people do not see the ego in themselves, they think that they are the ego , then we can safely say that it is they who feel that you are dangerous to them, you have become unpredictable for them, and they can no longer control and manipulate you.

Therefore, they say that you have changed for the worse. So remember you are not money to please everyone. You've probably heard that. Stop trying to please someone and be perfect in your own eyes. Live your life. You don't have to live your life the way others see it. Live it the way you see it. Everything that you do, do only for yourself and your own eyes, please yourself better and, as a result, please others.

In the end, you already have not so much time allotted, life will fly by like a moment. Appreciate every moment in your life. Live your vision, your thoughts, your ideas. Once you stop trying to please other people, you can finally be just yourself, without any artificial glitches and difficulties. You will be simple, and simplicity attracts and attracts. FROM common people easy.

Check and see, just don't give up right away. Continue to act and believe in what you get. And besides, when you try to please a person and impress him, from the outside it looks ridiculous. But when you are just yourself, it attracts. Therefore, it is important to be a failure and not try to please someone. So just be yourself.

Results of the article on the topic: "Do not try to please people"

• do not try to please others, this is very clearly visible from the outside and makes you unnatural;
• it is impossible to please everyone, so there is no point in doing it;
• please yourself, seek approval only in your own eyes;
• this ego in you wants to please other people and determines its feeling through the vision of the people around you, in order to be able to see in yourself you need to develop awareness;
• when you can simply be yourself, it attracts and makes you charming, when you do not pay attention to people's assessments, do not evaluate yourself in any way, only then the true essence appears, which is impossible to talk about, it can only BE.

If the reader has a question, you can always ask it in the comments under this article.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.

© Bill Cosby

When I was in school, my life seemed boring and uninteresting to me. I'll grow up, and only then will it begin real lifeI thought. And so I graduated from school, institute, went to work, got married, gave birth to children, but life did not become interesting.

It took many years before I wondered what was to blame. The time has come when I wanted to be happy, but did not know how? I started looking for information and finally realized that I did not love myself at all. I saw a bunch of shortcomings in myself and hardly found any advantages. I have always put my few interests in last place. I was always worried about what people would say about me. I realized that all my life I lived by the principle: "It should be so." And then I asked myself: “Who needs it? What do I want? "

That's when I began to consciously change my life. It was a long way to transform yourself. But I passed it.

I got the idea to write a book about how to love yourself? This information is now of interest to many, but this question cannot be answered unequivocally, so I suggest one of the chapters for now.

But now we just need honesty. Do you have a desire to please everyone, to be good (or good) for everyone? Are you worried about what people say about you? Do you know how to say a firm "no"?

Our development as a person begins in childhood. And most often this is influenced by the attitude of our closest people - parents. And our parents, themselves brought up in the spirit of "Lenin, the party, the Komsomol!", Did not always give us due attention, and sometimes love. Don't blame them. Parents always give us only what they can give. We ourselves are now adults, and we can make a difference in relation to ourselves and our children.

The desire to be (seem) good in the eyes of other people, what does it mean? We are looking for the approval of others for the sole purpose of feeling our need, significance. And for what? To somehow increase your self-esteem!

Read also:. I just stopped waiting for something and expecting ... And at that moment suddenly my soul became so easy, easy, I seemed to start living. I took it and started.

All this comes from self-dislike. Each of us has an infinite source of Love - this is the very part of the Creator Spirit, which is Love. But this source is reliably closed by us, overwhelmed with all the same beliefs, limitations, unmanifest emotions, resentments, fears, the same low self-esteem.

So what should you do? How to stop depending on other people's opinions?

How can we learn to say “no” to something that is clearly not included in our plans and prevents us from being happy? We need to clear the path to this source, give it the opportunity to shine and allow it to flow freely, filling us with love from within.

We are all looking for love in this life, because it is it that is the meaning of our stay on Earth. But we are looking for it outside, therefore we demand it from others: "Love me, I am good (s)!" And you need to look inside yourself.

There is a wonderful story:

An old Hindu legend tells that there was a time when all people were Gods. But they neglected their Divinity.

And Brahma, the Supreme God, decided to take away the Divine Power from them and hide it in a place where it could not be found. However, finding such a place was a big problem.

And Brahma gathered together all the supreme Deities to solve this problem. And they suggested: "Hide Divinity under the Earth!"But Brahma replied, “No, that will not work. A man will start digging and find Her again. "

The deities offered another option: "Then let's throw Her into the very depths of the Ocean!" But Brahma again replied, “No. Sooner or later, a person explores the depths of the ocean and, having found It, will bring it to the surface. "

The deities were at a dead end, they did not know where they could hide the Divinity. And it seemed that there is no such place on Earth or in the Sea that would be inaccessible to humans. But then Brahma objected: "This is what we will do with Divinity: We will hide It in the depths of man himself, because this is the only place where he will never look.".

Since then, a person has been rushing around the Earth to explore it all: since then he is looking for, going up and down, diving and digging in search of a thing that can only be found inside himself!

That's why you and I went on a journey to ourselves in order to find the essence in ourselves, whose name is Love.

For reference: "A postulate is a statement taken without proof and serving to build a new theory."

And since we are creating with you no less our new picture of the world, we just need them! So:

• No one should (en) live up to your expectations

Unexpected, right? We are used to counting quite differently. Every person has free will. And only he himself (being a “part-time” Great Soul) makes a choice every minute what next experience he wants to live. We can only ask, but we have no right to demand and expect anything. We need to learn to respect each other's personal boundaries.

For the same reason:

• You don't have to live up to anyone's expectations

You never know what someone will dream up for themselves and will expect it from you! You are not responsible for their "cockroaches". Is that so?

And finally:

• You don't have to live up to your expectations about yourself

A lot of what we owe has been put into our heads since childhood. And we have one thing - to maintain inner harmony, not to betray our feelings.

Have you ever been in such situations when you do something, in your opinion, correct and reasonable, but in the eyes of others it looks stupid and ridiculous. You want to turn back time, to rectify the situation, but there is no turning back. And you are unhappy because people close to you, friends and colleagues do not understand you ...

We always, when we do something, expect approval, a positive assessment from others, as if we only understand that we are doing the right thing. We are highly dependent on someone else's point of view, because of which we cannot live fully. Every time we try to fit our actions and actions into the social norms of behavior of other people.

Psychologists believe that desire to please the people around quite naturally, but only as long as it does not turn into a desire to be perfect. The fact is that we are all different. And if one person takes into account his desires and needs and correlates them with strangers, then the other person will do what other people want from him, contrary to their moral values \u200b\u200band desires.

Self-assessment

Often a person wants to inspire approval in the eyes of others. The reason for this is low self-esteem and an inability to see the good and bad sides of oneself. Only through the prism of someone else's opinion are they able to understand whether they acted this way in a certain situation. And this is not due to the fact that a person does not love himself, but due to the fact that he himself cannot correctly assess his actions.

So a person gets rid of responsibility for his self-esteem, shifting it to the judgment of others. If he cannot appreciate himself, then he merges into one whole with those around him. For such a person, the solution to his problems is based on the opinion of others, and not on personal moral values.

This type of behavior, such as getting approval from other people, is characteristic of childhood experiences. Such a type is formed in an adult if in childhood he felt the manifestation of parental love, only when he justified their hopes. Then a life position is formed where a person, in order to receive approval for his actions and deeds, must meet the expectations of the people around him.

Also, the desire to please others is manifested in perfectionists. However, in this case, you need to talk not just about approval, but in the need to evoke a feeling of admiration, which ultimately leads to an even greater conflict between the individual and the real world.

I want to please

If a person wants to please others very much, he behaves like this:

Speaks neutrally, afraid of offending others. If a friend sits on a blouse disgustingly, instead of an honest answer he will say that "in principle, she is not bad."

Does not conflict with people, because he is afraid of condemnation of his actions and behavior.

Always consults with other people, although he knows exactly what to do. He just needs confirmation of the correctness of his decision.

Often he changes his point of view, even if a minute ago he was convinced of the opposite. Although this does not happen right away: from the very beginning he is in doubt, then gradually convinces himself that he is wrong and the truth is on the side of another person.

Often he sacrifices his personal interests, he goes to watch not the film that was expected to be premiered, but the one that his friends like. For him, the main happiness of close people, acquaintances, and therefore the fact that they are happy with him.

Always doing something in his head, the thought is spinning: "Look, I am a wonderful hostess, an excellent employee, a reliable friend." A person, as it were, evaluates himself by the positive reviews of other people, and not by his inner feelings.

It often requires moral support in a given situation. He may even be offended if in the dispute they do not go over to his side. But in the end they still change their minds in order to be good in their eyes.

Take a closer look at such a person, it is very easy to recognize him: he is patient, attentive, as a rule, pleasant in communication, knows how to behave, knows how to adapt. Sociable enough. Often offers to help in difficult times.

What are the dangers

When a person needs approval, he lives his life, taking into account the social position of society, and performs only those actions that people around him expect from him. So a person loses himself for others "good" and "bad", and as a result does not satisfy his personal needs. This does not bring him joy, he lives not for himself, but for other people. Then new problems begin: acquaintances, friends, colleagues sit on the person's neck, and without any gratitude consider it in the order of things to be reliable. As a rule, such people cannot do, show their best sidesare afraid to make a mistake and stand out from the crowd.

Coping with addiction from someone else's perspective

They say when we least want to please people, then we like them better. This is due to the fact that, having his own opinion, a firm position in life, a person evokes sympathy and respect. He is extremely sincere, confident in himself, in his actions and actions. This is a strong personality who does not need the approval of other people, but at the same time does not forget to listen to the opinions of others.

This is the secret: you need to accept yourself as you are, with all the advantages and disadvantages, and stop depending on someone else's opinion. Indicate your desires, priorities, moral standards, boundaries and create your own rules of life.