How to understand that you miss a person. How to know if we miss someone because they are important to us, or if we just feel lonely

How many times have we said this seemingly harmless and touching phrase to our loved ones, friends and relatives. Believing that she speaks of our love and will be pleasant to the one to whom it is addressed. Some lovers, not yet parted, repeat to each other: "I already miss you." It seems to them that this is a manifestation of love. In fact, this harmless phrase does not indicate love, but emotional dependence. And if it is repeated too often and becomes an obsession, then this is a signal. We urgently need to do something!

Let's try to translate this phrase into the language of logic. When you say “I miss you!”, You signify your own impotence to keep yourself busy. It is as if you are tying your loved one to your own person with strong ropes. And he involuntarily tenses, now he needs to do something about it in order to dispel your boredom. That is, you emotionally cling to him, tie him to yourself. Simply put, you manipulate him. What is he doing? Sometimes it flies to you on the wings of love and brings a large bouquet of consolations and surprises. But sometimes, especially when he does not have time, money or desire, he fences himself off from you, not wanting to take on such a responsibility: to dispel your boredom. He himself would be comforted, supported and brought out of the state of sadness.

Basically, there is nothing wrong if we sometimes say to each other "I miss you!" This is normal, natural and logical. Only if it does not acquire hypertrophied forms.

What is emotional addiction?

This is how the psychological dictionary writes about it:

Emotional addiction Is a loss of personal autonomy (or a sense of personal autonomy) for emotional reasons. Moreover, the subject of this dependence,

first of all,experiences suffering due to either the inaccessibility of the object of his feeling, or the impossibility to change his behavior, or the presence of inadequate power of the object over him;
secondly, feels the impossibility of getting rid of addiction;
third, finds himself under the chronic negative influence of the feelings that bind him on his life path, general well-being, decision-making and behavior

Indeed, when we enter into a close relationship with someone, we involuntarily fall into an emotional dependence. He is in a bad mood - and it spoils in you, he worries - and for some reason you begin to feel anxiety. And so on to infinity, like communicating vessels. Many people believe that this is natural and normal, because close people are communicating vessels that mutually influence each other, supporting each other in a state of balance.

But, you must admit, we cannot forever be with a loved one and be in the same spiritual disposition. Sometimes we are visited by fatigue, irritation, satiety with relationships and other, at first glance, negative manifestations of our character or psyche. But with a close emotional connection, all ours immediately reflect on who is nearby, if he emotionally depends on us. In fact, this is a huge responsibility, which is really annoying for many people. After all, if you are bored without you, then being around, you should break into a cake, but cheer, increase vitality, maintain interest, be cheerful, inventive, empathic, etc. You can go crazy how many "should"! Wouldn't it be better to get rid of it and go on a free voyage without all these "must". This breaks even the strongest emotional ties. And this notorious "I miss you!"

Imagine a girl who cannot live without her beloved, endlessly pesters him with her emotional presence, demands attention, support, emotional charging, etc. And suddenly she is rejected by him. You never know what. Maybe he was tired of being for her a heating pad, a vest and a funny clown. Maybe he just wanted to live his own, divorced from her whims and whining, tenderness and snot, control and leadership of life. And so she was left alone with her boredom.

"I miss!" - she yells to him in text messages and on Skype. "I miss!" - yells on Instagram and Facebook.

You cannot envy the one to whom this phrase is addressed. But much more worrying is the one who yells, that is, becomes emotionally dependent on another person. It is rather difficult to get rid of it, since it lies deep in the subconscious of a person and is most often associated with childhood, in which the child's emotional ties with parents and loved ones were broken.

Emotional dependence can arise not only between lovers, but also between parents and children, between friends, relatives, sometimes neighbors, and even between a seller and a buyer in a supermarket. And this happens because at some certain stage and in certain circumstances, the person with whom we are in contact makes up for some actual emotional deficiency for us. For example, you have always lacked affectionate words addressed to you from your mom, dad, brother, friend. And then a person appears in your life who generously spills out in compliments and affectionate nicknames. He endlessly confesses his love to you and satisfies your thirst to hear affectionate words of praise addressed to him. And that's it, you're already on the hook. You are ready to do everything so that he was always by your side and always spoke to you these sweet, not always sincere words. Sometimes, of course, you doubt their veracity. But you don't want to destroy your illusion. You are pleased. You are glad to be deceived, because "the darkness of truths is dearer to us than the elevating deception."

But such relationships are doomed to die sooner or later, because they are not based on reality, but on your dependence on a positive emotion caused by the words of this person. He manipulates you to some extent. Consciously or unconsciously. Yes, it is not difficult to manipulate you, because you, without knowing it, fall into the category of victimized individuals (people inclined to be victims) who suffer without doping attention and love.

When an emotional addiction relationship occurs

As a rule, we find ourselves emotionally dependent on other people during difficult periods of our life. When we desperately need someone to bring us back to normal life, to comfort us, to help. It happens:

at the turning points of life (loss of family, job, death of a loved one, breakdown of relationships, etc.);
during the transition to a new stage of life (graduation from the institute, moving, new robot, marriage, sex change, etc.);
during congestion (submission of a quarterly report, project, exams, deadline, holidays, emergency work in a particular area of \u200b\u200blife);
when we are sick;
when we are far from home, from the usual life (on vacation, in, in prison, at a conference).

As we become emotionally vulnerable, we seek an outlet. This protective function of our psyche can play a cruel joke on us if during this period we form close close ties with someone who can use our vulnerability for their own purposes. And for ourselves we must understand that very often our ardent love, kindled at a resort, is just the need of our psyche to feel safe in an unfamiliar environment. As soon as we return to the usual rhythm of life, it fades and gradually fades away. Unless, of course, it was a simple way to compensate for anxiety, and not the love of your whole life.

Most often, people fall into the traps of emotional dependence:

dependentwaiting and requiring control and guidance;
problem personalitieswith a bunch of debts, unresolved issues, protracted conflicts;
people, socially dependent child, pupil, student, subordinate.

On whom can they become dependent?

From a boss, an oppressive family member, a dishonest lover;
from a consultant, seller, distributor, guru, sectarian, preacher;
from teacher, parent, husband, more.

How to avoid emotional traps?

The first remedy is to realize that you are emotionally addicted. Once you are aware of this, you will realize that it is foolish to call your loved one every five minutes to let him know how bored you are. Perhaps it will be difficult for you not to do this, and you will feel mad anxiety why he doesn’t call, why he doesn’t write, has he really forgotten about you. But it will pass.

In order not to get bored, keep yourself busy, so that you even have no time to think about the subject of your emotional dependence. Better if it is an all-consuming and interesting activity. Even a good book or new movie can save you from longing for the one you miss so much.

Become a more independent person. Minimize dependencies of all kinds. If it is difficult to get rid of material dependence yet, be a person of independent thinking. Do not lose your opinion, have your own needs, desires. Develop as a person. Learn to take responsibility for your actions.

Become an empathic person for those around you, not just the one you depend on. Empathy is a conscious empathy for the emotional state of another person. An empath is a person capable of empathy. By redirecting yourself from yourself to others, you will feel relieved. Let others depend on you rather than you on them. Although, no, give them freedom and give freedom to yourself - this is the surest way to avoid persistent emotional addictions.

One of the most common reasons people miss not only other people, but different places and things is because of habit. This is how the human psyche is designed to strive for stability. Therefore, when a person sees someone every day or regularly, communicates with him, spends time together, he gets used to it. And if for some reason this communication is interrupted for a long time or is permanently interrupted, something like withdrawal arises, a person feels an emptiness inside himself - after all, this space was previously occupied by someone.

People, especially those who tend to be attached, may feel out of place for a while and miss even those colleagues whom they dislike, but then happily forget them. This suggests that it is not necessary to have love or sympathy in order to miss someone.

In addition, socializing with other people often helps you not feel lonely. A person who is accustomed to sharing the details of his life and experiences with someone, even being alone with himself, can mentally conduct dialogues with him. In the event of a sudden separation, he may suddenly feel lonely.

Striving for diversity

Another reason is that people complement and fill each other's lives with different things that only they can bring, due to their individuality. Everyone thinks and behaves differently, and no matter how similar two people are, no two people are alike. Therefore, it is natural to miss the novelty and variety, the unpredictability that others bring to life.

Love or addiction

And, finally, the feeling of deep intimacy with someone and love - for your child, parent, brother or sister, spouse, friend, makes you feel bored. when a person is a part of another's life and one of the factors of personal happiness. In such cases, people want to know where their loved ones are, how they spend their time, they want to give care to them and accept it in return.

However, such feelings should not be confused with dependence on someone. In this case, the person is selfish and thinks more of himself. When he is bored, he feels inferior and worries about how this separation affects him, while he is much less concerned about how the object of affection is doing. Such a person may be bored because of his instinct for possession.

Feelings of separation from a loved one can cause intense emotional distress, but people cannot always express them in words. Most often there are specific reasons for this.

Why people are silent about their feelings

People differ in different sensitivity to certain life situations, one of which is separation. Even if you miss someone close to you a lot, they may not feel the same way about you. Perhaps the reason is also the amount of time during which you did not see each other. Some get bored right after parting, while others get bored after a few days, weeks, or even years.

Sometimes the fact that the person close to you does not feel separation or prefers not to express it in words actually means that he has no counter feelings towards you. Perhaps it is the long separation that will help you find out how he really treats you. However, do not jump to conclusions, as the reason for this behavior may be different.

Some people are shy and tight-lipped, so even if the person misses you, they might just be ashamed to admit it. Perhaps you are not yet close enough to speak to each other such sensual words. After a while, when you get to know each other better, you will be able to communicate on any topic, including your mutual feelings.

In some situations, the person may simply not be able to contact you to say "miss you." Perhaps he ran out of funds on his phone, or the Internet was disconnected for non-payment. Some may find themselves in difficult situations at work or school, when they have to work hard. In this case, there is no time at all for conversations. If you know that this is how things are with a loved one, be understanding and wait a little. Over time, he will definitely contact you and tell you that he was very bored.

Take control of the situation

It is possible that in your case, the opposite is true - you yourself are experiencing difficulty in order to say "miss" to a loved one, for example, for one of the reasons described above. If you value your relationship, don't keep those feelings to yourself. Tell someone you care about them in any way you can. Rest assured, he will be very pleased to hear this from you, and most likely he will say that he also misses you a lot and is looking forward to meeting you. Subsequently, you will get used to such communication and will definitely become closer to each other.

Sometimes it is so important to know what a dear and beloved person, even when far away, thinks of you. It's almost impossible to get someone to do it, but you can try to stay in their thoughts for a long time without causing irritation.

Instructions

First of all, in order to make a person bored, it is necessary to disappear from his life for a while. If you are constantly nearby, then it is quite natural that no one will miss you. Of course, it's not easy at all - to voluntarily leave a loved one. human... But only in this way will you give him enough space and time so that he has time to realize your absence and how much he needs you.

Be busy all the time, or just pretend if you really aren't. The next time, when talking to your partner, to his question about what you are currently doing, do not give a direct answer, but just laugh it off or tell about some funny story that happened to you recently. Thus, you will immediately kill two birds with one stone: show that you are a cheerful, easy person, and also demonstrate the richness of your life. After that, your chosen one has no choice but to decide that you are a very interesting person and it would be quite nice to spend more free time with you.

When dating, ask about any fond memories, but only those that tie you together. For example, say: "Do you remember when we were on the beach last time, you made an incredibly beautiful sand castle?" Just don't go to extremes and spend the whole free evening engaging in memories. However, periodically recalling pleasant moments together, you give the person an opportunity to think about how much good things unite you.

If you do not live together, then a good way to make a man remember you more often would be inadvertently “forgetting” some of his little thing: a comb, an earring, a CD. Each time, "bumping" into her in his apartment, he will involuntarily think of you. The main condition is that a strategically forgotten thing should not need an urgent return (keys, wallet, mobile phone).

But perhaps the most effective way to force human to be bored is to be the life of the company, it should always be easy and fun to be around you. If you and your partner are having a great time, do not quarrel over trifles, then in any case, during the forced separation, he will miss and think only about you.

Sources:

how to make him miss me

Many years ago Ernest Hemingway wrote: "Work is the best medicine for all ills." And today no one has yet been able to refute this idea. Many people are saved in work from various experiences, they find their realization in this and forget about problems.

Instructions

Work is an opportunity to change your life. It takes a lot of time alone. It allows you to make days, evenings more intense, not devoid of meaning. A person consciously devotes himself to work, so as not to feel sadness and regret from the absence of something else. At the same time, he can change his life, because all this increases income, which changes the quality of existence.

Interest in work also leads to the growth of professionalism. Work often becomes not just a duty, but a hobby. A person begins to improve in this, acquires more and more knowledge, makes interesting discoveries for himself. In this case, the ability to work makes him active and purposeful. Interest from the personal sphere is shifted to the creation of something. Lonely people often easily move up the career ladder, occupy leading positions in the company, and earn solid capital. Some values \u200b\u200bare replaced with others, and this does not deprive a person of joy, but brings meaning into his existence.

Any person needs emotions, experiences, communication. If there is no society in personal life, if loved ones do not make life interesting, a person begins to look for his environment. Of course, there are various organizations where you can look for like-minded people, but it can be difficult. But at work there are always people who do one thing. At the same time, you do not need to get acquainted, look for a reason to start a conversation, or come up with some words, you can discuss the process of creating a product or service, you can talk about bosses, colleagues, plans for the future. The ease of establishing contacts is very important for many, closed people cannot easily find a common language, therefore work for them is also a place of social contacts.

If a person is suddenly left alone, he experiences negative experiences that are difficult to hide from. Unaccustomed state crushes, pisses me off. To get over this pain, you need to find something to do, you need to do something so that both the hands and the head are involved. If there is a hobby, it helps, but if it is not there, then all that remains is to go where you can implement something. It is difficult to look for a new hobby in a difficult period, but at work everything is clear and defined. Sometimes this is an opportunity to hide from experiences, a way to distract from external events.

A person wants to be needed by someone, this is an internal need. And if there is no family, if there are no children, then this state is not satisfied. A person always worries when he realizes that he is not valuable to someone. And at this moment he begins to look for those people, the space where he will be useful, often this is a place of work. This is a way to satisfy the need to be necessary, it is manifested very clearly in single people. For some, even losing their place in the enterprise can be very difficult and emotionally comparable to the death of a friend.

Steps

Actions for short-term separation

Keep track of the days. Cross out the days in the calendar and congratulate yourself every time on the next day you lived. Always focus exclusively on the day. The absence of a loved one around you will somewhat change the course of your life. When you have to handle everything alone, it is very important to focus on getting through each new day successfully!

Concentrate on other relationships. Time is a very valuable commodity. Now you have enough time to pay attention to the rest of your close people who are also important to you, but with whom you do not spend quality time as often as you would like. For example, you can spend more time with your partner, spouse, friends, and living apart from relatives.

Send parcels. Prepare and send parcels to the person who left. Every purchase you make for that person will give you the opportunity to think about them, do something for them, and then mail them with love. If your spouse has left and you have children with him, set aside one free evening per week to draw pictures and make crafts with the children, which can be included in the package for your other half.

Take time to do small things. Housekeeping is a healthy distraction that can also improve your surroundings. Concentrate on doing things that will make time fly by. Some days may be more difficult for you than others, but you always have something to do at home.

For example, on vacation without your roommate, you can improve your living space. Do something that the returning person will be very pleased to see. Even simple cleaning and organizing of things will pay off. You will keep yourself occupied with activities that will have a positive effect on the condition of the premises.
Get indoor flowers to fill your living space with vitality.
Wash the windows. No one likes to look at the view from a window through dirty glass. In a clear window, the view will appear noticeably better.
Paint the rusted fence.
Lubricate creaking doors, fix leaking taps, or have broken items repaired.
Take care of the appearance of the facade of your home. If you plant flowers or put a beautiful potted plant on the porch along the path to the house, your mood will noticeably improve.

Embark on a long-term project. There are always things that require a lot of time and effort to complete. If you have enough time, consider initiating such a project that you will be engaged in until the very return of the loved one. This will make you both look forward to seeing the final results of your work, and you will have to constantly strive to fulfill your promise.
- If your wife is sent on a long business trip, tell her you plan to build a wooden gazebo in your backyard.
- If you have children, start a project with them that will help you all cope with the absence of a loved one.
- Start the fruit orchard you've always wanted to start.
- Start saving money for a good cause or for an important acquisition for your spouse. Making progress reports will help her know that you miss her, love her, and look forward to home.
Consider ways to communicate when apart. Chat via Skype, email, letters or postcards. These means of communication are preferable to the rest, since a person always remains in anticipation of the next contact. When you write a letter to a loved one, you feel closer to him, and receiving an answer gives you a sense of admiration. Distributed over time, positive emotions make it easier to endure separation.

Don't be lazy and stay active. Do not wander aimlessly around the house or lie in bed. Spend more time outdoors with friends. Try to follow a comfortably busy schedule, including spending time on something exciting, to look forward to the future.

Concentrate on the positive. Breaking up a relationship can make you think bad things about them. Instead, try to identify positive aspects of past relationships and understand what they taught you so that you can use the lessons learned in the future. Learn to appreciate the experience gained.

Overcoming the fact of death of a loved one
1. Allow yourself to grieve. If you are faced with the death of a loved one, then you need to grieve for some time in order to come to terms with this fact. You cannot stop missing the person if you don’t give yourself time to calm down, release your emotions, and grieve over the loss.
  
  Appreciate the memory of the person. This is how you will begin to move forward in life in a healthy way, preserving the memory of the person and continuing his legacy. Talk about the deceased with friends and family members, and try to follow the traditions that the person followed, be it volunteering, reading books to your children, or listening to that person's favorite music.
  - If the activities that the deceased person loved increase your sadness and anguish, make changes to your usual routine. However, once you are ready to calmly continue your journey through life, return to the things that the deceased lover liked. This will help you to freshen up good memories of the person and not miss him too much.
  - Remember that you are not trying to forget the person and never think about him again. You learn to remember the person in a positive way, to control the feelings you feel, and to put everything in its place.
2. Talk to other people who miss this person as well. It is wrong to no longer mention a person at all and completely get rid of everything that reminds of him. However, these measures can be introduced temporarily if you are in great pain. Over time, you will be able to speak more calmly about the deceased. Sometimes you can relieve sadness and speed up the healing of mental wounds by remembering funny phrases and actions of a deceased person.
  - Fond memories of a person can help you come to terms with the fact that they are dead. Although a person cannot be brought back to life, discussing memories will help the process of healing the wound.
3. Remember that your relationship did not end, but changed its shape. Relationships are two-fold: physical and emotional. Despite the fact that the physical component of the relationship was cut off, the emotional component continues to exist. You can never completely stop remembering a deceased person.
  - Of course, you don't betray the person by trying not to miss him. If he loved you, he will be glad to see that you are trying to continue living on.
  - It is impossible not to miss someone at all, especially on anniversaries, holidays and other important events that you spent together. Instead of trying to ignore feelings of loss, tell yourself or others, “Today I miss ____. He would have liked to be present at our event. Let's remember ____. We love him. " By doing this, you will confirm the influence of the deceased person on current events and pay tribute to him, which will help to further heal the pain of loss.
  - It's okay to get bored from time to time, but it's also okay to want to enjoy real life rather than dwelling on the past.
4. Spend more time with friends and family. Friends and family will be ready to support you and help you cheer up during difficult times. They may be grief-stricken too, so you can lean on each other and spend more time together to take your free hours and feel love and care. During this period, you just need to feel love and affection, so spending time in the company of people close to you will help alleviate sadness for the deceased.
  - Nevertheless, new friends and other relatives will never replace the place of a deceased person in your soul.
  - If you see a friend or family member recovering from grief faster than you do, don't be discouraged. Everyone comes out of grief on their own schedule. And you cannot know exactly how the other person really feels.
5. Consider seeing a therapist. If you need outside help in dealing with grief, see a therapist. If you are not sure if the therapy is right for you, try first, and then make your final decision. Discussing your situation with a trained professional will give you a different perspective. Find the courage to ask for help to survive the challenges of fate.
  - Be proud that you dare to ask for help that will benefit your condition. You should not feel ashamed or weak because of your therapy.
6. Write down your thoughts in a journal. Instead of trying to weigh all the feelings that arise in your head throughout the day, try pouring them out into the pages of your diary. Keep a journal every morning or evening to help you become more aware of your condition and relieve stress. You can also diary thoughts as they arise. Choose the option that suits you best.
  
  Find a calming activity for yourself. With the loss of a loved one, sometimes people become so fixated on the loss and personality of the deceased that they completely forget about themselves. To start missing the other person less, you must do activities every day that will make you feel better. That is, you should sleep at least 7-8 hours a night, eat three times a day, even if you do not feel like eating, and devote at least 30 minutes of physical activity daily.
Play sports such as running or playing basketball.
Try a new hobby: photography, painting, or cooking.
Sign up for interesting activities, such as writing workshops or pairing wine with food correctly.
Rediscover your love of literature. Read everything you wanted to read but haven't read before.
Find new types of exercise that work for you. Cycling, hiking and yoga will fill your time and give you a great feeling of well-being.
Open your heart to other people. Make an effort to become friendlier to other people. Invite new acquaintances to meet again. At first, you may be shy, but gradually you will get to know others better and better. Smile, be friendly and open to those people who come your way.
- Start your conversation with a few simple questions. Tell us something funny about yourself or share funny observations. If you try a little, you will have more friends, and you will miss the person who left less.
- However, you can never replace someone who has left. He was and will be an important person for you. Just try to focus on meeting new interesting people to make your life more dynamic.
- Give other people a chance. People you used to be skeptical about may have more in common than you think. If you spend some time with them, you may find that you enjoy their company.

Laughter is the best medicine. While it's okay to grieve after a loss, you shouldn't be discouraged, and it's a good idea to find good company for you.
Try to have some fun to distract yourself.
Don't be afraid to cry. There is nothing wrong with crying, it is even useful, as it allows the accumulated emotions to escape.
Look at photos and letters or notes that your loved one sent you. However, set yourself a time limit for this action, so as not to dwell on thoughts about this person.
Don't think about old fights and bad times. Stay positive.
If you need to stop thinking about someone, tell yourself, “Stop. I'm not going to think about him now anymore. I have so many things to do, so I better think about them. " Try to distract your thoughts from this person.
Think back to the funny moments you had together, and hope to experience something like this again.
The past cannot be returned, so focus on securing a colorful, fulfilling future.

Warnings

Prolonged grief can lead to various physical and psychological problems. Learn to overcome grief using information from trusted sources on the topic. Do not deny yourself the need to grieve over a lost relationship, but be able to leave the pain of loss in the past.

During the work week, many of us dream of the weekend, imagining how they will wallow in bed and do nothing. When the long-awaited hours of relaxation arrive, boredom can spoil the idle pastime. What is the danger of this condition for a person and what it can lead to, read our article.

Boredom and who is affected by it

According to the Great Encyclopedic Dictionary, “boredom is a kind of negatively colored emotion; a passive mental state characterized by decreased activity, growing irritation, lack of interest in any activity, the world around us and other people.

Despite the fact that people began to get bored long before our appearance, the very word "boredom" appeared, for example, in the English lexicon, relatively recently - in 1852. For the first time it was used by the famous writer Charles Dickens in the novel "Bleak House", in which he spoke about life of my lady Dedlock - a woman "dying of boredom" in marriage.

“My Lady Dedlock, having conquered her own world (having married a rich man 20 years older than her - ed.), Not only did not come out in tears, but seemed to freeze. Tired self-control, indifference of satiety, such equanimity of weariness that no interests and pleasures can stir her up — these are the victorious trophies of this woman. She carries herself impeccably. If tomorrow she had been ascended to heaven, she probably would have climbed there without expressing the slightest enthusiasm, "wrote the author of Bleak House.

Later, the symptoms of boredom described by Dickens were confirmed by scientific research. One of the first scientists to take an interest in melancholy was John Eastwood, a psychologist at the University of York in Toronto, Canada.

In 2012, he and his colleagues tried to scientifically define boredom. Study published on the American Psychological Association (APA) website.

Researchers have studied a variety of theories and conducted hundreds of interviews to find out exactly how people feel when they are bored. As a result, psychologists concluded that boredom is closely related to our attention.

“A person gets bored at the moment when he cannot concentrate his attention on any business. As a result, he simply has nothing to do, ”says Eastwood.

According to the psychologist, two distinct personality types are especially susceptible to death melancholy, and two opposites:

Impulsive by nature people who are constantly looking for new emotions. The measured course of everyday life seems too insipid to them. “The world around them doesn't stimulate them enough,” notes Eastwood.
Trying to isolate themselves from danger, suspicious people can lock themselves at home and do nothing. "They pull away because they are too sensitive to pain," says the scientist.

Why is boredom dangerous?

It's not hard to guess that boredom is not the most pleasant human emotion. Scientists add that it leads people to self-destruction. By the way, during one of research, which was attended by a group of South African teenagers, it was revealed that boredom is the main reason for the abuse of alcohol, tobacco and marijuana.

Scientists from University College London have monitored the lives of 18,000 officials aged 20 to 64 for 10 years. It found that those who were bored at work increased their risk of dying by 30% in the next three years. This is due to the fact that people who had nothing to do often went for a smoke break, constantly chewed something, and moved a little. All this, as experts say, directly affects the increase in blood pressure, the occurrence of cardiovascular diseases and the appearance of obesity.

Is it good to be bored?

"I have met quite a few people who can drive boredom, but Sandy Mann is practicing this craft professionally," - wrote in his article "Green longing ... What is the harm and benefits of boredom" by BBC journalist David Robson.

We are talking about the research of the British psychologist, author of the book "Hacking Psychology" Sandy Mann from the University of Central Lancashire (UK). All the volunteers who came to her lab were given repetitive tasks, such as asking them to rewrite a long list of phone numbers. As a rule, the participants in the experiment coped well with the tasks, but they did it reluctantly, constantly fidgeting in their chairs, yawning and glancing at the clock.

Is there any benefit to this suffering?

Note that the participants in the experiment were not bored in vain. Through many years of research and observation, Mann has found that boredom can be both a dangerous and harmful state of mind, bad for human health, and an engine of progress.

Before giving the volunteers an assignment, Mann asked them to take a test that asked questions about thinking outside the box. After completing the work, the volunteers were asked to answer the same questions again. Ironically, the participants' performance improved. The psychologist suggests that routine helped thoughts flow in an arbitrary direction, which contributed to the development of associative and creative thinking.

“If there are no external stimuli, we look for internal ones - we start thinking about different things,” explains the results of Mann's experiment. - It develops the imagination. We go beyond the usual framework and think outside the box, ”she concludes.

Research by other scientists only confirms Mann's findings.

In particular, Professor of Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania (USA) Angela Duckworth considersthat boredom, like other emotions, arose as a result of human evolutionary development with a specific purpose. For example, fear and anxiety were necessary for survival, and boredom for the development of mental thinking. Without her, Duckworth said, we would repeat the same actions over and over again. And boredom makes us move on, strive for something interesting, learn something new.

Can you get used to boredom and love it?

Given that boredom can be the engine of progress, Mann advises that you accept it with joy.

“Instead of being bored in traffic, I turn on the music and think about something distracted. I know this is helpful for me. I let my kids get bored too: it helps them develop their creative skills, ”she says.

In turn, Canadian psychologist John Eastwood from the University of York strongly doubts the benefits of boredom, but at the same time admits that you should not drive it away at any cost.

“This feeling is so unpleasant that people try to get rid of it immediately. I am not going to join this war with boredom and look for any recipes against it, because we should listen to this emotion and understand what the body is trying to tell us, ”says the scientist.

Cure for boredom

According to scientists, boredom is associated with a wandering mind - when people are bored, they are immersed in their thoughts, which makes them even more bored. For the same reason, we begin to yearn when we are alone, alone with our own thoughts. Experts believe that keeping yourself busy is the best way to relieve boredom.

“By his nature, it is important for a person to feel that he has an impact on the world and that the environment suits him. It matters as much as light, fresh air and food, ”says Eastwood.

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The absence of a loved one, a loved one with whom you broke up, can generate the deepest feeling of loneliness. You start to miss the person, all your thoughts are occupied with worries about this. How to overcome negative feelings and start living from scratch, letting go of the past and people from it?

How to cope with a long separation from a person

The situation when you are miles apart with your soul mate, friend, dear relative is quite common. There are cities or even countries between you, and meanwhile feelings are torn out. What if you miss someone a lot?

Do not despair! After all, there are many ways to say goodbye to sadness.

Install Skype on your computer and communicate with the person regularly using this program. You can even arrange in this way tea parties, feasts, parties in pajamas.
Exchange news with a person using messages, upload interesting photos to social networks.
Schedule a date for the next meeting and cross out the days on the calendar - then you will get the feeling that you are in control of the situation, you are waiting for a very specific event.
Take a break from worries - work, hobbies, friends will help.

How to stop missing your ex

Sometimes, even after breaking up, you can continue to love the person for a while. Feeling an acute lack of communication, missing your ex, you literally don't know what to do, what to do. Namely, hobby for some business and can distract you from painful attachment.

Nothing helps to better forget the ex-lover (sweetheart) as a new relationship. Therefore, feel free to meet people, flirt, go on dates.
If you don't have a hobby yet, then it's time to get one.
Give all your strength to work, especially if it is loved.
Travel. Believe me, vivid emotions from visiting new places will quickly cover up any negative. And the more you suffer from breaking up with your ex, the more distant and exciting your route should be. Do not forget to take your best friends, beloved relatives on the road - communication with other people is very important for you now.

It will also be very effective to analyze old love relationships for their shortcomings. Remember the bad things that happened - resentment, betrayal, pain. Nicely? No? Then rejoice that you said goodbye to the source of negative emotions!

How to cope with the death of a loved one

The bitterness of the loss of a loved one, a relative, a friend is always colossally difficult. But such emotions can destroy your life, turning it into a faceless black and gray line devoid of joy, colors, discoveries. After all, when you are bored, let alone do something, you do not want to breathe.

Of course, it would be foolish to put the question bluntly in this case and advise you to forget your loved one. However, it is in your power to change the direction of your thoughts and find strength, motivation to continue living on.

Think about the fact that the person who passed away would not like to see you in such despondency. He would like you to continue to know the world and enjoy it, fall in love, travel, create, develop. After all, in fact, you are now - his continuation on earth.
Remember that you have only one life (at least in this particular guise), and therefore it is priceless and you need to live it as brighter, richer, more joyful, because there will be no other chance.
You can turn to religion if you wish. For many, the belief that there is another life after death gives the feeling that the deceased person actually continues to be there. He looks from the sky, hears thoughts about himself, shares sorrows. This means that you can always mentally communicate with your loved one.
If you are struggling to cope with destructive melancholy, then it may make sense to see a qualified psychologist.

Perhaps you will also find other tips from the article useful.