What to do if the husband is texting other women. Husband texts girlfriend but says it's just for work Husband texts online all the time

Hello Vika! I saw calls and correspondence of my husband with another woman. When she told him about it, at first he denied everything, then he realized that there was no point in denying it. I put him before a choice, and he chose me and my son (12 years old).

He promised that the calls would stop, but the next day they still called back. She wrote not to look for her, to take care of her family. But I think that their communication continues, and I do not know what to do. I do not understand the meaning of their relationship: she lives in a city 200 km from us. He immediately goes home from work, does not linger, but at home he is somehow detached. Do not take the trouble to answer my modest letter: after all, I live in the countryside, and we do not have a psychologist.

Natalia

Dear Natalia! Many men go through a period of crisis, when real life seems to be passing by, and true happiness is missed. The daily routine becomes unbearable, and a person begins to look for something "genuine", deep and sincere feelings.

Often, without realizing it, men are brought to such a depressive state by their own wives. Many of our women are characterized by an indifferent, disrespectful attitude towards their spouse, underestimation of the importance of intimate relationships, neglect of their own appearance, excessive immersion in the household, in caring for children, etc. The husband with his feelings and experiences in her life is given the very last place. And if by chance one turns up that begins to tirelessly praise and exalt his virtues in every possible way, a man may not resist, even if the fan is inferior in all respects to his own wife. I know many examples when it was in this way that smart aunts managed to break seemingly unshakable marriages. A typical mistake of women who have discovered a “leftist” spouse is to issue an ultimatum: “Choose - me or her!”, “Stop communicating with her immediately or leave!”. The choice may not be in your favor. But you don't want that! Otherwise, she would not have been vigilantly monitoring his contacts and suffering so much. It was necessary to calmly ask with whom he was corresponding and why he needed it. Most men answer that they communicate with an outsider woman just for fun. And here - without tantrums and screaming - it was necessary to convey to the mind of a loved one what you feel when a loved one acts in this way. That is, to lead a conversation not in the form of claims, insults and reproaches, but exclusively focusing on their experiences. Men, with external bulletproofness, as a rule, value the family. And even with a surging new feeling, they are extremely reluctant to divorce, because they avoid stressful situations. They would rather have two wives. They try to hide the fact of infidelity from the legal one for as long as possible, and for years their mistress has been brainwashed with imaginary reasons that prevent them from leaving the family.

My advice: calmly state your position to your husband, and then never again reproach him for this misconduct, do not check his correspondence and calls. Let go of the situation, and it will come to naught by itself if you behave as if this episode never occurred in your life. Be affectionate and benevolent, take an interest in men's affairs more often, try to leave at least a couple of weeks a year with him away from home. Shakes from the daily routine are needed by both of you and will only benefit.

With the development of the Internet, a new type of betrayal has appeared - the husband is texting another. It is difficult to understand what to do in such a situation right away, because you cannot be ready for this. Yes, and not all correspondence should be punished by a spouse, because they are innocent.

You can guess that your boyfriend has started flirting or cheating on the Internet by the obvious signs:

The behavior has changed. Can become rude and irritable, as if tired of spending time with family. On the other hand, sometimes men become surprisingly nice and polite - out of guilt, they make amends with their virtual romance with good deeds.
A man spends a lot of time with the phone and at the computer, while the sound of notification of a new message is constantly heard.
If the sound is turned off, you can read the emotions on his face: a smile, occasional laughter, an enthusiastic gleam in his eyes, complete involvement in the conversation.
Even if he is not texting right now, he is constantly looking at his phone, checking for messages, and never leaves his equipment unattended and without a password.
Many women discover romantic texting in passing after seeing the message by chance. A quick glance over his shoulder catches the juicy words. When using a computer, a pop-up notification appears about a new message, where the interlocutor is openly flirting.

A randomly noticed message can turn your whole life upside down.

History from life: « My husband constantly corresponded with someone on the social network, but when I approached, he closed the tab. I deliberately broke my laptop and asked for his computer to send a letter. When I left, I copied all their correspondence and sent it to my mail. Then I slowly read all their romantic correspondence, and printed out the hottest phrases. He could no longer get out, and I could not forgive».

Why do men text other women

The problem is quite common in the modern world, and there are enough reasons for it. In general, psychologists name 12 events that precede Internet correspondence with another:

Spouses have no time to communicate - they are busy with work, home, child.
The desire to escape from domestic and financial problems.
Tired of raising children that take up all the time.
The couple has not gone anywhere together for a long time, I want romance.
There is no passion in bed.
There was annoyance with each other.
There are no common interests with his wife and there is nothing to talk about.
Spouses do not share their impressions about the past day: what happened, how the work was, how the meeting went.
The desire to be distracted and get new sensations, as a routine has come in life.
I want to get the attention of women, but the real betrayal is not solved.
The husband does not have real friends of interest with whom you can just talk heart to heart.
Curiosity and interest, desire to meet new people.
Internet addiction: second life, virtual.

This is not an exhaustive list of reasons why husbands actively or passively flirt with girls online.

The most common reason: the search for new sensations and emotions.

The perpetrators of flirting themselves in an anonymous survey named the following reasons for virtual novels:

search for new sensations (14%);
accidentally struck up a conversation and away we go (12.5%)
I want flirting, at least virtual (12%);
self-doubt, increased self-esteem (10%);
sexual problems in the family (9%);
love for another (7%);
from idleness (4%).

To understand why a guy is texting another girl in your situation, you need to talk frankly with him or go to family counseling. The psychologist's answer sometimes helps to save the family and restore harmonious relationships.

How to behave if you find your loved one texting

When you find out that a man is texting another woman, do not panic and do not roll up a scandal. If emotions take over, then you can make trouble or make yourself look unsightly. So to start, drink something soothing and retire to recover. And then talk.

Depending on the answer of the chosen one, you will either calm down or confirm your suspicions:

Ex-wife. If if they have common children and their communication is connected with them, do not forbid it. On the contrary, you can sympathize or offer your help.
Colleague. Usually this is a harmless correspondence about work issues that have not been resolved in the office. Just in case, you can casually ask “did something happen?” and move closer to the screen to read the correspondence. If he hurriedly closes the window and brushes it off, you can doubt the working relationship. But if there is nothing to hide, most likely, the man will angrily comment on the importunity of a colleague and show the messages. Lighten the mood by asking if he texts everyone or just pretty and unmarried girls.
Another woman. You won’t get a direct answer, it’s rare for a man to admit it right away in a virtual romance. Most likely he will say that just a friend imposes his communication, and he answers out of politeness. Excuses may be different, but the behavior will be clear. He will start to get nervous, mumble something, quickly close the chat, try to take the conversation in a different direction.

If, upon hearing such a harmless question, a man explodes, starts screaming and accusing of excessive curiosity, this is most likely a defensive reaction. When he was caught red-handed, he became nervous and decided to attack first. From confusion, the woman will begin to make excuses, and he will come out dry from the water.

Some do not even hide the correspondence, considering it an innocent flirtation.

In any case, it is necessary to react to this event in order to prevent or stop flirting. If you close your eyes to such behavior, it will become the norm - because he sees that you do not mind.

How to save a relationship

First of all, a man must understand that correspondence with other women is a betrayal. Only if he realizes his mistake will it be possible to move on and resolve everything peacefully.

Relationships are the daily work of both spouses, so nothing will work without his help. He must agree to help and assist you. The ability to find the right solution and compromise is very important. But you must go towards each other.

Read the correspondence

But only if you yourself want it. Many women in their heads are able to come up with scenarios that are much more terrible than they really are. Therefore, in some cases it is better to get acquainted with real texts than to wind yourself up from ignorance.

Ask your husband to provide access, and calmly read all the information. So you can understand the degree of the husband's misconduct:

friendly correspondence with light flirting, where the initiative came from a woman;
virtual sex with the exchange of intimate photos, discussion of real meetings, active flirting of the husband.

Depending on the severity of the crime, you can consider the punishment.

Find out the reasons for the correspondence

In a friendly manner, ask your spouse about his relationship with virtual girls. Ask about the reasons that prompted the correspondence. What didn’t suit the relationship, what interested them, what emotions did they give.

Most often, men say that they were just curious, interested in communicating with someone else and getting new emotions.

Curiosity is the first step to betrayal.

Above you can see the common reasons that usually push men to text, but in your case the situation may be different. Listen carefully to your spouse, and hear. Do not be offended if he begins to criticize and blame you, try to understand what did not suit him. Then it will be easier to fix everything.

Explain that you are uncomfortable

Tell your husband how you feel. Try to use the "I-message," focusing on your experiences and not on his missteps. For example:

"When you text other women, Ifeel alone and deceived."
"When you talk to her, I'm afraid, that you don't love me anymore and we'll part."
"When I found out about your correspondence, I got scared that you will go to real treason.”
"When you ignore me offends me your indifference.
"When you don't want to discuss this problem, I'm worry that you don't care about my feelings."
“When I found out that you were chatting with someone on the Internet, I got angry and I still can't forgive you for your betrayal."

This is especially important in a situation where the husband does not recognize his offense as something serious. Well, he texts, well, he flirts on the Internet, but in real life he remains faithful. The future of your relationship depends on whether you can convey your feelings to him.

Spend more time together

Real communication is more attractive than virtual, so offer your husband family activities. First you need to find common ground - common topics of conversation and hobbies. Remember what you were talking about before you lost touch with each other. Resume these conversations or find new topics.

Real communication is always better than virtual.

Agree to turn off gadgets in the evenings and on weekends and devote time to the family. Buy board games, go on a picnic, take a walk in the park, play a computer game together.

If you have children, set aside at least one evening a week or month for romance - this is very important. Leave them with a nanny or relatives, and go somewhere together or arrange a romantic dinner at home. Make love when no one is distracting and you can relax.

Change your behavior

Remember what your man complained about when he explained the reasons for his misconduct. To save the family, you need to change so that the situation does not happen again:

attention to husband. In a series of household chores, childcare, shopping trips and other routines, you often have to give up something. Women usually give up time for themselves and their husbands. But it is better to reduce or share household chores with your husband, because this will not hit the family so hard.
Take an interest in his life. At dinner or while cooking together, ask about the day. It’s good if you can ask specific questions - how did the meeting with company N go, what was decided at the meeting, how project X is progressing. Such clarifications will let your husband know that you are really listening to him and remember important things.
Look after yourself. After marriage, many women relax and focus on everyday life, forgetting about beauty. But men often love with their eyes, so appearance is very important. Keep your weight within normal limits, do not wear "home" clothes at home, do a simple hairstyle in the morning.
Stop "spilling". Husbands often run off into a virtual romance in order to get admiration and approval at least somewhere. After all, the wife at home only criticizes, reminds of mistakes, compares with others, demands to become better, stronger, faster. Stop putting pressure on your spouse so that he can relax at home and he does not have to go headlong into the Internet for this.

Working together around the house brings the family together.

In turn, you can ask him to change so that it is easier for you to pay attention to him. Share household chores, look after the child in the evening, give a ride from work by car, buy groceries after work, not leave for the whole weekend with friends.

The main thing to remember about “I-messages”, it will be easier to agree with them: “I will have more time to communicate with you if you wash the dishes in the evening.”

Bring back the romance

Many couples eventually turn into simple cohabitants who raise children together. There is no passion, romance and fidelity in these relationships. In order not to turn into one of them, you need to work on relationships. Both.

Without love, husband and wife are just roommates.

No need to sing a serenade every day or give 1000 roses, because romance is in the details:

prepare a delicious lunch by decorating a dish in the shape of a heart;
watch a romantic movie (or other genre) in an embrace;
buy beautiful linen, new perfumes and appear before your spouse only in this;
write a cute romantic note and stick it in his pocket or hang it on the fridge;
for now, cook dinner, turn on romantic music and slow dance;
kiss and hug each other for no reason;
make small surprises: make a nice gift, bring lunch to work;
help each other in various matters, etc.

Love is shown in deeds, not in words. And she slips in the little things that are more important than simulated scenes.

What Not to Do

In such a situation, you can make mistakes that you will regret later. So as much as you would like, avoid the following:

Cheating out of revenge on her husband- after the discovery of betrayal, there may be a desire to do the same. But if there were no such thoughts before, then in fact resentment speaks in you. After a while, emotions will pass, and you will be ashamed of your act.
Write to an opponent- do not write nasty things, do not call for conscience, do not beg to leave your husband behind. The problem is not with the stranger, but with your husband. Even if she stops communicating, he can find another.
be humiliated- in such a situation, you do not need to beg your husband to stop communicating, promising some benefits or otherwise humiliating yourself. If you show that you will go to any lengths to save the marriage, he will just sit on your neck.
Hysteria and scandal- the situation is unpleasant, the man made a terrible mistake and you have the right to be angry. But there is no need to make scenes, scream until you lose your voice and throw objects. Nobody likes tantrums, and perhaps it was this behavior that led the husband to correspond with another. First calm down, then start a dialogue. Only in such a situation can you achieve something.
threaten suicide- you can’t keep another person with blackmail; rather, such phrases will push him even more away from you.

What to do if nothing helps

In some situations, a man cannot be changed. He does not see problems in his behavior, he does not care about the feelings of his wife, it is more important for him to get pleasant emotions from communicating with strangers on the network. This can't be fixed.

You will have to find a way out of this situation on your own, and there are not many options.

reconcile

If you are not ready to destroy the family because of the husband's virtual romance, you need to accept the situation as it is and put up with it. In the end, he sits at home, does not spend family money on mistresses, will not get infected with anything, and, by and large, just chats on the Internet. Many women do not even see the problem in such a situation.

Do not think about it and sleep peacefully.

It should be understood that having come to terms with the husband’s act, you need to completely let go of the situation:

do not view correspondence, do not read SMS, do not try to find out details;
forgive your husband, do not nag because of this situation, do not reproach, but simply ignore it, as if it does not exist and never happened;
do not wind yourself up, do not invent too much and do not be jealous, take care of your nerves.

Learn to treat your husband's virtual infatuation as an unpleasant habit. Someone smokes, someone plays tanks, and yours communicates on the Internet. Just believe in your man - he promised that nothing would go beyond correspondence, so it is. And regular messaging hasn't hurt anyone yet.

If you can’t convey your feelings to your spouse on your own, all that remains is to go to family counseling. The advice of psychologists, a look at the situation from the outside, a discussion of hidden motives for betrayal in the presence of a professional can move the situation forward.

Perhaps the husband will believe a male psychologist more.

Most likely, the spouse will not want to voluntarily go for a consultation, because he does not see a problem. Then you will have to face a choice - either a psychologist or a divorce. You do not intend to tolerate such behavior, and are ready for any solution to the problem.

Breake down

In severe cases, the only right solution is to end the relationship. It is worth it if:

the spouse refuses to admit the problem, does not want to go to a psychologist and does not try to save the relationship;
if the correspondence notes not only flirting, but also virtual sex, the exchange of intimate photos, details about real meetings in the past;
such behavior of your husband is unacceptable for you and you cannot forgive him for betrayal, then there is no point in maintaining a relationship.

Before deciding on a divorce, make sure that you have tried all the ways, including the help of a psychologist. Sometimes a couple cannot agree on their own, and they need a look from the outside.

When a guy texts another girl

In the situation with young couples, there are some nuances that should be considered separately. After all, the relationship began quite recently, they should not yet have a routine, fatigue, an accumulated heap of problems. So why does a young man need communication on the side?

Simple Communication. Among young people, communication with the opposite sex can be really friendly. Many people make friends and girlfriends with whom they communicate in a large company. They can just exchange funny pictures, gossip about mutual friends, discuss going to a new place, and so on. No romantic biases and flirting. In such a situation, you do not need to be nervous and worried, because having friends is normal.
Search for other options. In the first weeks and even months, the couple only looks closely and rubs against each other. They seem to be together, but at the same time they are afraid to miss something better. In such a situation, a young man can communicate with other ladies, flirt with them, hint at relationships, so that in the event of a more winning party, he will go over there. Such behavior is a betrayal, and it is not discussed.
Looking for new sensations- if at the beginning of your relationship you already need to dispel the routine, then something is wrong in them. The future cannot be built with such a foundation, because even before the everyday routine, monotony and addiction, your passion has faded. What will happen next?

So if a guy is texting another girl, the psychologist's answer will be unequivocal - to leave. Unless, of course, this is friendly communication. In a long-term marriage, such a situation can signal accumulated problems, routine, and the fading of feelings. For the sake of saving the family, you can try to restore relationships.

The relationship has just begun, and between them there is already an abyss.

But at the beginning of a relationship, such problems should not be. If now, even before marriage, he is already flirting online with others, what will happen next? Having become a husband, such people will not be limited to simple correspondence and will go further. After all, the feeling of dissatisfaction will only grow.

What is wrong in a relationship if a guy is texting another girl? The psychologist's answer may surprise you. In a nascent relationship, the problem usually lies not in the girl, but in the young man himself:

unpreparedness for a serious relationship;
unwillingness to be limited to one single;
desire to assert themselves;
loves attention to his person;
keeps another in reserve;
doesn't think it can hurt a girl.

In any case, it is worth talking frankly with the guy. Find out the real reason, communicate your feelings, ask them to stop such behavior. By his reaction and the reasons given, you will be able to understand if you have a chance for the future.

Women's opinion

Here's what women say about it:

Ekaterina (35 years old): « I think that all men can sometimes allow themselves some kind of flirting, just to assert themselves. Therefore, when I found the correspondence of my husband with another, I was not at all surprised. He wants to feel attractive to women. He stays at home, I don't mind».

Natalia (25 years old): « My husband constantly texts other women and lies to me, so we often have scandals on this basis. It calms down for a while, but then everything repeats again. I no longer believe that things can change for the better. Maybe I don't want anything».

Anastasia (39 years): « I did not find such correspondence with my husband, but I think that the one who has too much free time is in correspondence with other women. So it will come close. I would not be able to tolerate such behavior!»

Many relationships begin with correspondence on the Internet.

Anna (21 years): « I am in love and I think if I read the guy’s correspondence with another, I would break up. It means he doesn't like it. And why not continue to live together».

Angelina (19 years):“My relationship with a guy began with correspondence, and then he was still dating his ex. So I know what this can lead to, and I forbid him to communicate with others.

Oksana (33 years): « When I realized that my husband was cheating on me, I didn’t ask him anything, as I was at home on maternity leave to care for a child. It was very bad and hard for me, but I did not want to aggravate the situation. The husband behaved as usual at home. When the child grew up, I began to pay more attention to my husband and my appearance, went in for sports so that he would understand what he could lose. Gradually, the husband began to visit the house more often, perhaps he left his hobby in the past. Now ours have improved, but I have not forgotten».

Katya (28 years old): « I sometimes communicate with my ex-boyfriends, but nothing serious, we broke up a long time ago. It's just interesting to remember, to talk. Therefore, do not mind if my boyfriend is interested in the future fate of the former, there is nothing wrong with that.».

Women ambiguously assess this situation, all opinions are subjective.

Men's opinion

It would seem that men should justify themselves, but no. Not everyone agrees with the opinion about their polygamy.

Yaroslav (40 years old): « I believe that this is a betrayal and almost treason. If a man starts flirting, then this is the first sign that there is a problem in the family. Any flirting can result in real treason, it seems to me that everyone should understand this».

Valentin (33 years old): « I do not think that communication with other women is bad. Sometimes you just want to relax and dream up, because you live like in the movie "Groundhog Day" - it's the same thing all the time. And when you get distracted, you already perceive the world in a new way, more fun or something».

George (25 years old): « I know for myself: since a guy communicates with another, then hesimplybecame bored, but this does not mean that he wants to part with his girlfriend. Although, if things continue to be like this, it can come to this. Especially if there are no children and common property».

With the development of technology, a virtual romance is becoming more real.

Alexander (45 years old): « I sometimes text girls. I don't want my wife to know. She trusts me, never checks her phone or social media. I love her too and I feel guilty. But such communication helps to cheer up and feel again in the saddle. A couple of times the correspondence turned into reality, but quickly stopped it».

Yuri (37 years old): « I have been married several times and only once left my wife for another. I have a password on my phone so as not to sleep. If a man begins to communicate with another, it means that he is missing something. A woman should reconsider her behavior».

Ivan (35 years):“When you are married it is too late to look around or correspond with others. You have made your choice, bear responsibility for it. Cheating is a betrayal of oneself, wife, family. Only the weak will do it."

If you find that your man is texting another woman, don't close your eyes. Clearly indicate your attitude to the situation, offer to solve existing problems together. Or kick the traitor in the neck.

Question to the psychologist:

Hello!!! Help me understand the reason for my husband's communication with another woman. We have been together for 10 years, we are 25 years old, we have a child, he is 1.8. The husband is not sociable, never communicated with other women. I recently found out that he hides communication with a former colleague. He deleted messages on the phone and phone calls. He didn't want to admit it until the very end. But in the end he said that he talked with a girl from work. I was shocked. To my question about what he could communicate with another woman and hide it from me, he replied that they just talked about work, about life, nothing personal, he didn’t want to talk about it, because. I knew that I would not like it, so I hid it. He said that he started talking to her recently, about 2 weeks before he left his last job (according to him), and after leaving he called her for 2 weeks, until I found out about it. He says that the communication would end it, there would be no continuation of this, that he loves me, and this communication will stop. He lied a lot about this situation, so there is no more trust. Even when there were facts that he called her, he still denied at first. And yet, initially he said that she called him, after that I found her and her husband in the social. networks and threatened that I would write to him about it, he said that he always called and begged him not to write, so as not to set her up. He said that it was he who wanted to communicate, that it was simply interesting to communicate with her, and that she simply communicated with him. Recently, he did not really tell me about the old work, explaining that everything is the same there, nothing interesting. What then did they talk about work??? I asked about sympathy for her, said that there was no sympathy, I understand that if there is, he still won’t say. How can I trust him again? For me, this is a betrayal. She also knew that he was hiding this communication from me, but still continued to communicate with him, by the way, her husband is also jealous, of course, he does not know about it either. I want to understand why he needed this communication. Call every time and ask how you are, every week, a little-known girl (she is 26 years old, no children), somehow, to put it mildly, does not look like him. To be honest, the relationship has been very tense lately, we often fought, constantly on edge because of a capricious child (especially me). By the way, he said that she was similar in character to him (calm), to my proposal to look for someone calmer than me, he said that he would not be interested in someone like her. Tell me how to deal with him?

The psychologist Mishneva Elena Yurievna answers the question.

Hello, Tatyana.

Why does a husband communicate with another woman?

It seems to me that he himself explained everything: ".. they just talked about work, about life, nothing personal", "He said that it was he who wanted to communicate, that it was just interesting to communicate with her", "said that she was similar in character on him (calm)."

These arguments are quite plausible. The question is, why are you not satisfied with his explanations? You've known each other for a long time and probably know each other quite well. If I understood correctly, before this incident, the husband did not give you any reason to doubt his fidelity, honesty.

Why did this situation arise right now (communication with another woman)? You answered this question yourself: "Honestly, the relationship has been very tense lately, we often fought, constantly on edge because of a capricious child (especially me)."

Perhaps, while communicating with this woman, your husband unconsciously tried to get what he now lacks (calmness, self-confidence, the feeling that he is valued (at least as an employee), etc. That is, what he would like to receive from you.

Probably you know or guess about it, but do not know how to fix the situation. First, allow yourself to feel what you feel right now. Help yourself to calm down, relax, doing things you love and enjoy. Do this as often as possible, rest whenever possible, because caring for a small child requires a lot of effort. Talk to your husband, don't be afraid to ask for help. Do not forget about yourself, listen to your desires. This is important for your peace of mind and the well-being of your family. After all, your husband loves you and wants to be with you, which means that everything will be fine.

This problem is not uncommon. It would seem that your marriage was happy, nothing foreshadowed trouble, and suddenly you accidentally discover your husband’s correspondence with another. When the emotions caused by the unexpected discovery subside, two main questions remain: why did this happen and how to behave now in order to save the relationship. Most often, women consult with friends or ask the opinion of visitors to women's forums, but their advice is far from always correct. Following such recommendations, sometimes you can only aggravate the situation. If you have become a witness to your husband's secret correspondence, the advice of a psychologist is the only thing that makes sense to listen to. Let's find out what the experts think about this.

Why does the husband correspond with another?

If you directly ask your spouse about this (we’ll talk about whether it’s worth doing, we’ll talk later), most likely, he will answer that the correspondence is just friendly. Probably so far. But what to expect next? Will innocent communication develop into a completely unfriendly sympathy, flirting, and then into something more? And in general, what makes a person in marriage look for relationships (even if only friendly so far) on the side?

According to psychologists, even the exchange of meaningless messages on a social network is already a wake-up call in itself. If a man needs a girlfriend, in addition to his wife, then something is missing in his family life. Desiring to have what is missing, he will strive to where he can get it. It is very likely that the matter will not be limited to virtual communication, and in the future a real meeting will take place with all the ensuing consequences.

What are the main reasons that can prompt a husband to enter into a secret correspondence with a girl, whether it be a “former”, old friend, colleague or casual acquaintance? Psychologists give some of the most typical examples:

Lack of fulfillment, low self-esteem. Perhaps your spouse has ceased to feel significant, and he needs confirmation of his own value. The other provides him with something that he does not find in the family - listens with interest to stories about work, shares hobbies, gives advice, provides support, etc.
Fatigue from home routine, boredom. Family life has turned into a swamp, and the object of correspondence is like a breath of fresh air, a source of new emotions and impressions.
Desire to release tension. Difficulties at work, a constant sense of responsibility, a high level of anxiety caused by the modern rhythm of life - all these are natural factors that provoke stress. If, in addition to all of the above, there are conflicts and misunderstandings in the family, it is not surprising that the husband is looking for rest and tranquility outside of it. Only ways to relax are different for everyone. Some choose alcohol, others go headlong into hobbies, others plunge into romance and correspondence.
The need for female friendship. Psychologists say it happens. Men are not inclined to share personal problems with each other, including those related to relationships. Perhaps your husband needs advice that only a woman can give. Why doesn't he contact you? It is possible that the root of the problem is in your relationship.

So, if you find out that a husband is texting another, the number one advice from a psychologist is to think and try to understand why this is happening. Is everything going smoothly in your marriage? Are you paying enough attention to your spouse? Can he trust you in everything? Do you have common views and values, do you understand each other? Are you interesting to your husband as a person, as a woman? Are you comfortable?

By honestly answering these questions for yourself, you will be able to identify problems, and therefore chart a path to their solution. But this is a long process, but for now it is necessary to understand how to act in the current circumstances.

How to behave: the opinion of psychologists

On women's forums, various, sometimes conflicting advice is given on this subject. Some recommend immediately proceeding with clarifications and demanding an end to correspondence. Others assure that it is necessary to maintain external calm, but not to let the situation out of control. What do psychologists think?

The first piece of advice above is to try to understand what is causing the spam and put in the effort to fix it. If you feel that a loved one lacks your support, attention, recognition, try to change this. If it seems to you that you have begun to look less attractive to your husband, start taking better care of yourself. If there are frequent quarrels at home, try to understand what causes them and work on it together.

Should you tell your husband what you know about his correspondence? Most psychologists give the following advice. It is necessary to discuss the problem, but calmly and without hysterics. In no case do not make a scandal and do not make demands. Such behavior can have the exact opposite effect. Gently explain that you are uncomfortable with the behavior of your spouse: perhaps he does not even know that he is hurting you. If your husband really cares about your feelings, he will stop the meaningless correspondence.

But the above tips only work if maintaining a relationship is important for both partners. If the problem exists only for you, or all the efforts made do not bring results, it may help to consult a family psychologist.

- I am 28 years old, my husband is 33, we have been married for five years, we have a one-year-old child. Recently, I accidentally saw that my husband was chatting on social networks with other girls. I asked him who they were and what he was talking about with them. The husband said that he created a second page for work, where girls sometimes also write, but he does not communicate with them. And recently I took his phone to call, and found a correspondence with one of the girls. She scrolled through his other chats and saw that, in addition to the usual correspondence, the girls send him their intimate photos and offer to meet. I did not find anything reprehensible in his answers, but he probably just "cleans" his messages. To this, the husband replied that he did not allow himself anything extra in correspondence and virtual communication did not mean anything, but promised to stop communicating with girls. I did not believe him and after a while I saw several more similar correspondence.

Now I don’t know what to do, and I don’t understand why he won’t just break up with me if he doesn’t have enough female attention. I'm tired of these correspondences, I constantly think that he could meet someone. I don't understand how to resolve this situation?

Olga Krivitskaya, psychologist of family relations:

- Every family with the birth of a child is going through a crisis, as a third member of the family appears, who needs the attention and care of his mother 24 hours a day.

In any couple, a so-called hidden psychological divorce occurs, since the father is deprived of the biological unity that exists between mother and child. These are dynamic processes of family development. During this period, the wife wants to feel the support and care of her husband. The husband also needs it, but the wife is busy with the baby.

Most likely, the husband chooses Internet communication with other women as a way to help cope with this crisis period, he “gets” in correspondence what he lacks in relationships now.

Resentment, anger and misunderstanding of the wife are quite justified. It is important to calmly discuss with your husband what he gets from communicating with other women (rather lightness, flirting and arousal), and understand how to return all this to your relationship. You also need to say that such a “harmless” action can threaten family relationships, that you are offended and want his flirting and arousal to be directed at you, and not towards other women.

Virtual relationships are the least threatening way for family relationships to meet your needs. If this is ignored, it can escalate into more active ways that can seriously threaten the relationship.

Vasily Shevlyakov, sexologist, psychotherapist:

There can be many reasons for such behavior, and each situation must be considered individually. However, some of the most common reasons can be deduced:

Lack and / or lack of tenderness - hugs, touches and kisses. Body contact is extremely important in any close relationship, and even more so in a couple. If there is a deficit, the distance of closeness and intimacy appears and increases.
Lack and / or lack of care and communication in a couple. Women are often passionate about taking care of children and household chores, and during breaks they try to snatch a piece of space for themselves. However, in the absence of joint conversations, discussion of plans and memories, interest in each other's thoughts and experiences, a feeling of disunity and loneliness may arise, which everyone copes with in their own way.
The absence and / or lack of flirting and flirting, gratitude and praise - it's all about supporting the uniqueness of a man and the value of his efforts. Without this, men often sink into their fears of uselessness, uselessness and loss of masculinity (feeling like a man with a capital M) and begin to seek support for their masculine qualities and confirmation of sexuality.

Also, first of all, it is worth paying attention to what is happening in relationships now, since most often such situations are the result of a brewing or sluggish crisis in relations. It is undesirable to ignore this situation. However, it is not worth making hasty conclusions, since it is easy to fantasize, but the consequences of fantasies are always extremely painful.

Since trust in a partner suffers due to feelings and reticence, it is extremely important to discuss the discomfort that has arisen in a dialogue. In most cases, it is enough to establish mutual understanding and find points for resolving the crisis in relations.