Lesson ten. A "jug" of our emotions

Unpleasant emotions - anger, anger, aggression. These feelings can be called destructive, since they destroy both the person himself (his psyche, health), and his relationship with other people. They are the constant causes of conflicts, sometimes material destruction, and even wars.

Let's depict the "vessel" of our emotions in the form of a jug. Let's put anger, anger and aggression at the very top of it. We will immediately show how these emotions are manifested in the external behavior of a person. This is so, unfortunately, familiar to many name-calling and insults, quarrels, punishments, actions "out of spite", etc.

Now let us ask: why does anger arise? Psychologists answer this question somewhat unexpectedly: anger is a secondary feeling, and it comes from experiences of a completely different kind, such as pain, fear, resentment.

So, we can place the experiences of pain, resentment, fear, annoyance under the feelings of anger and aggression, as the causes of these destructive emotions (II layer of the "jug").

And all the feelings of this second layer are passive: they have a greater or lesser share of suffering. Therefore, they are not easy to express, they are usually kept silent about them, they are hidden. Why? As a rule, because of the fear of humiliation, to appear weak. Sometimes a person himself is not very aware of them (“I’m just angry, but I don’t know why!”).

Hiding feelings of resentment and pain is often taught from childhood. Probably, you have heard more than once how the father instructs the boy: "Don't cry, you better learn to fight back!"

Why do “passive” feelings arise? Psychologists give a very definite answer: the reason for the occurrence of pain, fear, resentment is in the dissatisfaction of needs.

Every person, regardless of age, needs food, sleep, warmth, physical security, etc. These are the so-called organic needs. They are obvious, and we will not talk about them now.

Let's focus on those that are associated with communication, and in a broad sense - with human life among people.

Here is an approximate (far from complete) list of such needs.

A person needs: to be loved, understood, recognized, respected; so that someone needs him and is close; so that he has success - in business, study, at work; so that he can realize himself, develop his abilities, improve himself, respect himself.

If there is no economic crisis in the country or, moreover, no war, then on average organic needs are more or less satisfied. But the needs just listed are always at risk!

Human society, despite the millennia of its cultural development, has not learned to guarantee psychological well-being (not to mention happiness!) To each of its members. And the task is extremely difficult. After all, a person's happiness depends on the psychological climate of the environment in which he grows, lives and works. And also - from the emotional baggage accumulated in childhood. Unfortunately, we do not yet have compulsory schools of communication. They are just emerging, and even then - on a voluntary basis.

So, any need on our list may not be met, and this, as we said, will lead to suffering, and possibly to "destructive" emotions.

Let's take an example. Suppose a person is very unlucky: one failure follows another. This means that his need for success, recognition, perhaps self-respect is not being satisfied. As a result, he may develop persistent disappointment in his abilities or depression, or resentment and anger at the "culprit."

And this is the case with any negative experience: behind it we will always find some unfulfilled need.

Let's look at the diagram again and see if there is anything below the needs layer? It turns out there is!

It happens that when we meet we ask a friend: "How are you?", "How is life in general?", "Are you happy?" - and we get in response: "You know, I'm unlucky", or: "I'm fine, I'm fine!"

These answers reflect a special kind of human experience - an attitude towards oneself, a conclusion about oneself.

It is clear that such attitudes and conclusions can change with the circumstances of life. At the same time, they have a certain “common denominator” that makes each of us more or less an optimist or a pessimist, more or less self-confidence, and therefore more or less resistant to the blows of fate.

Psychologists have devoted a lot of research to these experiences of themselves. They call them differently: self-perception, self-image, self-assessment, and more often - self-esteem. Perhaps the most successful word was invented by V. Satyr. She called this complex and difficult to convey sense of self-worth.

Scientists have discovered and proven several important facts. First, they discovered that self-esteem (we will use this more familiar word) strongly affects a person's life and even destiny.

Another important fact: The foundation of self-esteem is laid very early, in the very first years of a child's life, and depends on how his parents treat him.

The general law here is simple: A positive attitude towards oneself is the basis of psychological survival.

Basic needs: "I am loved!", "I am good!", "I can!"

At the very bottom of the emotional jug is the most important "jewel" given to us by nature - the feeling of the energy of life. Let's depict it in the form of a "sun" and denote it with the words: "I am!" or more pathetically: "It's me, Lord!"

Together with the basic aspirations, it forms an initial feeling of oneself - a feeling of inner well-being and the energy of life!

What to do? actively listen to I - there is a need for: - love - freedom - success - development - respect - self-respect - understanding - caress - knowledge - realization of one's capabilities anger, anger, aggression, pain, resentment, I - good I - we love to listen ,. (“Hear”) needs Accept unconditionally (8 hugs a day!) I am message negative behavior

"Destructive" emotions The most unpleasant emotions are anger, anger, aggression. They are called destructive. They destroy, and the psyche, and human health, and relationships with other people. They are constant causes of conflict. Anger is a secondary feeling, and comes from experiences of pain, fear and resentment

A person needs to be loved, understood, respected; so that someone needs him and is close; so that he has success - in business, in school, at work; so that he can realize himself, develop his capabilities and abilities, improve himself, respect himself. Human needs Behind any negative behavior and experience there is always some unfulfilled need

How We Can Do It 1. Accept the child unconditionally. 2. Actively listen to his experiences and needs. 3. To be (play, read, study) together. 4. Do not interfere with his activities, which he copes with. 5. Help when asked. 6. Constructively resolve conflicts. 7. Use friendly phrases in everyday communication: - I'm glad to see you; -It's good that you came; -I miss you; 8. Hug your child at least 8 times a day. Good luck and peace of mind

“When a child experiences unbearable pain, he begins to develop pathological defense mechanisms. For him, this is the only way out of a life-threatening crisis, however, protective forms of behavior lead to social isolation if in the process of communication they are not adequately understood by others. If the pathological reaction is not understood by anyone, then the victim's message, like a cry for help in the mountains, returns to him, and so scared to death, useless echoes. The task of the teacher is to understand the personal meaning of the protective mechanism and share it with the child in need of protection, so that his actions as a lonely creature become social actions ... " Christelle Manske « »

In her book, Christelle Manske describes the observations she has accumulated over many years (over 20 years) of working with children. This is a unique way of long rethinking and new perception of the child. Christelle came to the deep conviction that, hThe more clearly the child's behavioral deviations from the norm are, the more we have to learn from the child!Understanding the meaning of the child's defensive reactions and sharing it with him is the most important task of a close adult.

Wonderful psychologist Yulia Borisovna Gippenreiter in his article “On the causes of emotions. "Jug" of emotions " provides a scientific basis for the causes of destructive emotions, compactly packing them into a vivid and well-remembered metaphor of the "jug". This diagram helps to understand the mechanism of negative behavior in both an ordinary child and a child with special psychophysical development. I invite you to go down inside this "jug" in order to try to understand, to feel what a special child is going through, being in our society.

So, we sink to the bottom of the emotional pitcher. ( Ι∨ level). It forms sense of self-worth (in the terminology of V. Satir). This is the most important "jewel" given to us by nature - feeling the energy of life: "I am!" or "It's me, Lord!" Together with the basic aspirations ("I am beloved!", "I am good!"

Being in the cold conditions of our society, a special child loses the most important thing - a sense of self-worth!

Christelle Manske compares the life of a special child in society to the life of a hedgehog in hibernation: in order to survive, he needs to reduce cellular activity to a minimum. « Our society does not want to accept them. The parents understood this. The educators understood this. The teachers understood this. The judges understood this. The children understood this. Every day they roll the stone of prejudice up the hill. Having reached the top, they break down, because they have no opportunity to plan their future life. None of us can withstand the everyday neglect and indifference on the part of society, without losing anything ... "

The first thing a child loses is an opportunity meet the needs associated with life in society (ΙΙ Ι emotional pitcher level). It is about the satisfaction of such vital needs as need v love, understanding, recognition, respect. Yu.B. Gippenreiter writes about this: "Human society, despite millennia of its cultural development, has not learned to guarantee psychological well-being (not to mention happiness!) To each of its members.". In relation to children with special psychophysical development, this statement is 200% true. “Special children face an insoluble problem: no one is waiting for them in our society, since they are considered mentally handicapped- writes Kristel Manske. - Their heroic and desperate attempts, despite their “inferiority”, to develop even in the slightest degree, no one wants to notice or acknowledge. ".

If at least one of the specified needs (for love, understanding, recognition, respect) remains unsatisfied, apain, resentment, fear, annoyance (ΙΙ layer "jug"). All these feelings are passive: they have more or less suffering. Most often, the child cannot directly say about his suffering, about what he wants. Most often, to inform us about this, he resorts to the use of various defense mechanisms and the accompanying destructive emotions.

This is what comes to the surface, what is directly visible and observed by us ( Ι level): anger, anger, aggression (defense mechanisms by the type of behavioral deviations), as well as defense mechanisms depressive and autistic type of response.

It makes no sense to fight with inappropriate behavioral reactions of the child until we return him a sense of self-worth, until we give him a chance to rehabilitate himself, to become an independent and self-confident person. " This is what we need to convey to the special child., - says Christelle, - we hope that he will be all right. And each task he solves is a path to his rehabilitation. "

What prevents us from treating a special child in this way ?!

A "jug" of our emotions

In previous lessons, the image of the "glass" helped us talk about the experiences of children and parents. We compared a calm state with an empty glass, and strong excitement, resentment, anger or joy - with a full or even overflowing glass.

We are now ready to better understand causes of emotions. In this last lesson, we will also recall and summarize many of the previous lessons. And in conclusion, let's go back to the answers to main question parents: "What to do?"

Let's start with the most unpleasant emotions - anger, anger, aggression. These feelings can be called destructive, since they destroy both the person himself (his psyche, health), and his relationship with other people. They are the constant causes of conflicts, sometimes material destruction and even wars.

Let's depict again the "vessel" of our emotions. Let it be in the shape of a jug this time (see fig. 10.1). Let's put anger, anger and aggression at the very top of it. We will immediately show how these emotions are manifested in the external behavior of a person. These are, unfortunately, the familiar name-calling and insults, quarrels and fights, punishments, “spiteful” actions, etc.

Rice. 10.1

Now let us ask, why does anger arise? Psychologists answer this question somewhat unexpectedly: anger is a secondary feeling, and it comes from experiences of a completely different kind, such as pain, fear, resentment.

Let's take a few examples from real life. We have already discussed one of them: the daughter returns home very late, and her mother meets her with an angry reprimand. What is behind this anger? Of course, the experienced fear and anxiety for the daughter.

The child is angry with the doctor who gave him the injection. It is easy to see how anger arises from physical pain. It also happens that we teach children to get angry when they hurt themselves painfully, for example, to beat "this nasty chair."

The older brother constantly attacks the younger, whom, in his opinion, the parents "love" more. His aggression is the result of unspoken pain and resentment.

The daughter does not want to ... (do homework, wash dishes, go to bed) - and you get angry. From what? Most likely out of annoyance that your educational efforts are unsuccessful.

So we can put experiences of pain, resentment, fear, vexation under feelings of anger and aggression, as the causes of these destructive emotions (II layer of the "jug").

Note that all the feelings of this second layer are passive: they have more or less suffering. Therefore, they are not easy to express, they are usually kept silent about them, they are hidden. Why? As a rule, because of the fear of humiliation, to seem weak. Sometimes a person himself is not very aware of them. (“I’m just angry, but I don’t know why!”)

Hiding feelings of resentment and pain is often taught from childhood. Probably, you have heard more than once how the father instructs the boy: "Don't cry, you better learn to fight back!"

By the way, this “harmless”, at first glance, advice is the beginning of the path along which, if you go without looking back, you can reach the “eye for an eye” principle!

However, let us return to our scheme and ask: why do “passive” feelings arise? Psychologists give a very definite answer: the cause of pain, fear, resentment is in unmet needs.

Thus, we return to the topic of the needs of a person, including a child.

Every person, regardless of age, needs food, sleep, warmth, physical security, etc. These are the so-called organic needs. They are obvious, and we will not talk much about them now.

Let's focus on those that are associated with communication, and in a broad sense - with human life among people.

Here is an approximate (far from complete) list of such needs, which the participants in our classes themselves usually name.

A person needs: to be loved, understood, recognized, respected; so that someone needs him and is close; so that he has success - in business, study, at work; so that he can realize himself, develop his abilities, improve himself, respect himself.

If there is no economic crisis in the country or, moreover, no war, then on average organic needs are more or less satisfied. But the needs just listed are always in risk zone!

Human society, despite the millennia of its cultural development, has not learned to guarantee psychological well-being (not to mention happiness!) To each of its members. And the task is extremely difficult. After all, a person's happiness depends on the psychological climate of the environment in which he grows, lives and works. And also - from the emotional baggage accumulated in childhood. And this climate and luggage depend on the style of communication, and above all, on the parents with the child.

Unfortunately, we do not yet have compulsory schools of communication. They are just emerging, and even then - on a voluntary basis.

So, any need on our list may not be met, and this, as we said, will lead to suffering, and possibly to "destructive" emotions.

Let's take an example.

Suppose a person is very unlucky: one failure follows another. This means that his need for success, recognition, perhaps self-respect is not being satisfied. As a result, he may develop persistent disappointment in his abilities or depression, or resentment and anger at the "culprit."

And this is the case with any negative experience: behind it we will always find some unfulfilled need.

Let's go back to the diagram and see if there is anything below the needs layer? It turns out there is!

It happens that when we meet we ask a friend: "How are you?", "How is life in general?", "Are you happy?" - and we get in response: "You know, I'm unlucky", or: "I'm fine, I'm fine!"

These responses reflect a special kind of human experience - attitude to oneself, conclusion about yourself.

It is clear that such attitudes and conclusions can change with the circumstances of life. At the same time, they have a certain “common denominator” that makes each of us more or less an optimist or a pessimist, more or less self-confidence, and therefore more or less resistant to the blows of fate.

Psychologists have devoted a lot of research to these experiences of themselves. They call them differently: self-perception, self-image, self-assessment, and more often - self-esteem. Perhaps the most successful word was invented by V. Satyr. She called this difficult and difficult to convey feeling a sense of self-worth.

Scientists have discovered and proven several important facts. First, they discovered that self-esteem (we will use this more familiar word) strongly affects a person's life and even destiny. For example, children with low self-esteem, but quite capable, study worse, get along poorly with peers and teachers, and are less successful later in adult life.

Another important fact: the foundation of self-esteem is laid very early, in the very first years of a child's life, and depends on how his parents treat him. If they understand and accept him, tolerate his “shortcomings” and failures, he grows up with a positive attitude towards himself. If the child is constantly "brought up", criticized and trained, his self-esteem turns out to be low, flawed.

The general law here is simple:

In childhood, we learn about ourselves only from the words and attitudes of those close to us.

In this sense, a small child has no inner vision. His image of himself is built from the outside; sooner or later he begins to see himself like this how others see him.

However, in this process, the child does not remain passive. Another law of all living things is at work here: to actively strive for what survival depends on.

A positive attitude towards oneself is the basis of psychological survival, and the child is constantly looking for and even fighting for it.

He expects from us confirmation that he - good, what his love, what he maybe cope with feasible (and even slightly more difficult) tasks. Let us write all this as the basic aspirations of a child and, in general, every person (IV layer in our scheme).

Let's see how these aspirations show up in Everyday life children.

Here is a passionate parent tosses to his son: "You bad boy!», to which the kid, stamping his foot, objects: "No, I'm good!"

A three-year-old girl, seeing the angry face of her grandmother, demands: "Say: bunny!""Bunny" on home language means affectionate: "You are my good", and it is absolutely necessary for a girl to receive this confirmation of love at critical moments.

Whatever the child does, he needs our recognition of his success.

Everyone knows how a baby looks and all his appearance (when he still does not know how to speak), and then he constantly asks in words: “Look what I did!”, “Look what I can already do!” And starting from the age of 2, he already has the famous: "I myself!" - demand to admit that he can!

Let us place at the bottom of an emotional jug the most important "jewel" given to us by nature - the feeling of the energy of life. Let's depict it in the form of a "sun" and denote it with the words: "I am!" or more pathetically: "It is I, Lord!"

Together with the basic aspirations, it forms an initial, still poorly formed feeling of oneself. This is a certain feeling of inner well-being or ill-being that the baby really experiences. It is enough to see how he greets the new day: with a smile or crying.

The further fate of this feeling of self is dynamic, and sometimes dramatic. Although a child is fighting for his "sun" from birth, his powers are limited, and the smaller he is, the more in the power of his parents.

Let's repeat:

With every appeal to a child -

by word, deed, intonation, gesture, frowning eyebrows and even by silence, we inform him not only about ourselves, our condition, but always about him, and often - mainly about him.

From the repeated signs of greeting, approval, love and acceptance, the child gets the feeling: "I'm all right," "I am – good", and from signals of condemnation, displeasure, criticism - the feeling “something is wrong with me”, "I am bad".

Let's try to bring the magnifying glass of our attention to the experiences of the baby in an everyday environment.

For this I will cite the story of one child psychologist.

“The father of a one-year-old child comes to me for consultation and, among other things, talks about such a case. His 11-month-old son was left in a crib with a table next to it. The kid somehow managed to climb over the headboard onto the table, where he was found by his father, who entered the room. The child, swaying on all fours, beamed victoriously, and dad was seized by fear. He ran up to the baby, grabbed him abruptly, put him back in place and sternly threatened him with his finger. The child cried bitterly and could not calm down for a long time.

“I suggested to my father,” the psychologist continues, “try to get into the skin of your son and imagine that you are 11 months old. And here you are, kid, for the first time in your life (!), Having spent heroic efforts, got out of your boring bed into new unknown territory. How would you feel? " The father replied: "Joy, pride, triumph." “And now,” I continued, “imagine that a person dear to you, your dad, appears and you invite him to share your joy. Instead, he angrily punishes you, and you do not understand at all why! "

"My God," said the father, clutching his head, "what have I done, poor boy!"

This example, of course, is not about the fact that it is not necessary to protect the child from falling off the table. It is about the fact that, while protecting and educating, we must be aware of what message about him we are sending it to him now.

The child most often perceives punishment as a message: "You are bad!", Criticism of mistakes - "You can’t!"

The child's mental piggy bank works continuously, and the younger he is, the more indelible the influence of what we throw at it. Fortunately, with small children, parents are more affectionate and attentive, although with them it is not always possible to avoid mistakes, as in the case just described. But as the child grows up, the "educational" string begins to sound stronger and stronger, and sometimes we stop worrying about what accumulates in his "treasury" of self-esteem: the bright gifts of our warmth, acceptance and approval - or heavy stones of shouts, criticism, punishments.

The following two examples illustrate how differently the life of a child and then an adult develops in extreme cases of his acceptance and rejection.

The first one I take from personal experience communication with one wonderful woman, mother of three children, with whom I was lucky to spend several months together. He was an amazingly kind and generous person. She easily shared everything that she had, found reasons to make gifts, helped people with money and deeds. But most of all, she was impressed by her special spiritual generosity. In moments of despondency or grief of another, she always found kind word or a smile, in moments of tension - a wise way out. In her presence, the problems became easier and the atmosphere more human. This gift of hers fascinated everyone who came into contact with her.

Once I asked her directly: "Where does so much kindness and generosity come from in you?" And I received the following answer: “Everything is very simple: even in my mother’s belly, I knew for sure that my mother loved me very much and was very much waiting for me. And then, from the first days of my life, I also always knew that both mom and dad loved me very much and that I was very dear to them. Now I am simply giving back to the world what I received from my parents. "

Needless to say about the care that was surrounded at that time by the already elderly mother of my acquaintance.

Another example, unfortunately, is also from real life.

The girl is a teenager 15 years old, the relationship with her mother is almost severed. He spends his days "at the entrances", no one knows with whom, no one knows how.

When the girl was 4–5 years old, the following scenes were often repeated: she came up to the wall and beat her head hard against it. To the mother's question: “What are you doing? Stop!" - she answered: “No, I will! I punish myself because I'm bad! "

This story is amazing. By the age of five, the girl no longer knew that she was good. She could have been informed of this by the warm and welcoming treatment of her parents. However, the situation in the family was much worse: the father drank, there was not enough money, a second child appeared ... The twitched mother often fell out with her eldest daughter. The girl's basic desire to be “good” made her look for ways to “correct” herself. But she knew only one way of the so-called correction - punishment, and she did not know at all that this way was hopeless!

"LEAVE YOU BAD!"

How children live in school, who were already assessed as “good” or “bad” in the first grades, was the subject of one study.

The psychologist regularly attended lessons in grades 1–2 of an ordinary Moscow school. He sat silently at the back, explaining to the teacher that he was observing the behavior of the children. In fact, he was interested in how many times and how the teacher addresses the “excellent students” and “poor students” (for this, 3-4 pupils of each group were allocated in each class).

The numbers were startling. Each "excellent student" received an average of 23 approving comments per day, such as: "Well done", "Take an example from him", "I know that you have learned everything", "Excellent, as always" ... and only 1-2 negative comments.

The Losers had the opposite: on average, there were 25 critical remarks a day (“You again!”, “When did you finally!”, “No good!” ) and only 0–1 positive or neutral reference.

This attitude was passed on to fellow practitioners.

Usually, during breaks, the guys surrounded the psychologist, willingly talked with him. They touchingly expressed their location, trying to come as close as possible, touch, hold on to his hands, sometimes even dividing his fingers between them. When a “poor student” approached this dense ring of children, the guys chased him away: “Go away, you can't come here! You are bad!"

Imagine yourself in the place of such a child. 25 times a day, you only hear criticism from reputable and respected people, and so on from day to day, from month to month, from year to year! And in between you are repulsed by your peers or colleagues. What will become of you? How can you survive?

How children "survive" became clear when the research was continued in the juvenile penal colony. It turned out that of all the adolescents placed in the colony, 98% were not accepted by their peers and teachers, starting from the first grades of school!

(Based on the dissertation work by Gintas Valickas)

Punishment, and even more so self-punishment of a child, only aggravates his feeling of unhappiness and unhappiness. As a result, he finally comes to the conclusion: “Bad, so be it! And I will be bad! " It is a challenge that hides the bitterness of despair.

Do we always hear this despair?

Life shows that this is not always the case. A dysfunctional child continue to be punished, criticized, and then rejected altogether in the family and in school (see Box 10-1).

Now we can use the jug of emotions to better understand what level of problem we are dealing with in each case. At the same time we will repeat and bring into the system all our previous answers to the question "What is to be done?"

1. The child is angry with his mother: "You are not good, I do not love you!"

We already know that behind his anger there is pain, resentment, etc. (I and II layers of our scheme). In this case, it is best to actively listen, guess and to name his "painful" feeling.

What you shouldn't do is judge and punish him in return. So you can only aggravate his negative experience (and yours too).

It is best to leave your upbringing words until the time when the situation is calm and your tone is friendly.

2. "It hurts you" ...

If a child is openly suffering from pain, resentment, fear, then active listening- irreplaceable. This method is directly intended for experiences from layer II of our scheme.

If a parent experiences the same feelings, then it is best to express them in the form "I-messages".

However, it is important to remember that if the child's "glass" is also full, then his ears may not hear you, first you should listen to him.

3. What is he missing?

If the child's discontent or suffering is repeated for the same reason, if he constantly whines, asks to play, read, or, on the contrary, constantly disobeys, fights, is rude ... it is very likely that the reason is the dissatisfaction of some of his needs (III schematic layer). He may lack your attention or, conversely, a sense of freedom and independence, he may suffer from neglected studies or failures in school.

In this case, active listening alone is not enough. True, you can start with it, but then try understand what your child is missing. You will really help him if you spend more time with him, pay more attention to his activities, or, conversely, stop controlling him at every step.

We have already discussed above that one of the very effective ways- creating conditions that do not contradict, but meet the needs of the child.

He wants to move a lot - organize well open space, wants to explore puddles - you can start knee-high boots, wants to paint big pictures - an extra piece of cheap wallpaper will do the trick.

Let me remind you that rowing with the current is incomparably easier than against it.

Understanding the needs of the child, accepting them and responding to them with your actions means actively listening to the child. in the broadest sense.

This ability develops in parents as they practice more and more the active listening technique.

4. "You are dear to me, and you will be fine!" The further down we go through the layers of our diagram, the more significant the influence on the child of the style of communication with him becomes. He learns how good, dear, capable, or bad, useless, loser he is only from adults and, above all, from his parents.

If the deepest layer - the emotional sense of oneself - is made up of negative experiences, many areas of the child's life are upset. He becomes "difficult" for himself and for those around him. It takes a lot of effort to help him in such cases. Most often, you have to start with helping parents, in particular, the training to which this book is devoted is very effective.

In order to prevent a child's deep discord with himself and the world around him, you need to constantly support his self-worth or sense of self-worth.

Let's take another look at how we can do this.

1. Unconditionally accept it.

2. - Actively listen to his experiences and needs.

4. - Do not interfere with his activities with which he copes.

5. Help when asked.

6. Maintain success.

7. - To share your feelings (means to trust).

8. Resolve conflicts constructively.

9. - Use friendly phrases in everyday communication. For example:

I feel good with you.

I'm glad to see you.

It's good that you came.

I like the way you ...

I miss you.

Let's (let's sit, do it ...) together.

Of course you can handle it.

It's good that we have you.

You are my good one.

10. - Hug at least 4, and preferably 8 times a day.

And much more that intuition and love for your child will tell you, unclouded by griefs that, although they do happen, are, by God, quite surmountable!

Good luck and peace of mind!