Psychologist's advice on how to live with such a man. What if the husband is a sissy
Unbelievable, author, a 1-in-1 situation like mine. If you read, tell me how it ended.I'm 30, girl 25, on the verge of collapse, now offended, moved out to live with my mother.
We met and began to live with her mother, where she lived. Naturally for me it was a temporary option, because for a long time he lived far from his parents and was used to solving everything for himself. And her mother sat at home at a laptop, on purchased sick leave, and her daughter was busy around the house, cooking, cleaning, taking to the hospital, and so on. At first I wanted to help, it was a pity, it was work, and they also force me to do it at home. Then her mother decided when, where, why she had to go, there was practically no life of her own. While I was working they went shopping or somewhere else and always everywhere her mother was the initiator. I'm tired, scandals have begun, my mother-in-law is offended, expresses to her daughter, my daughter tells me that she is just helping her and nothing special. I forgot to say that the girl had a son, she was 2 years old at that time. Somehow he persuaded to rent an apartment and move. Very convenient, our work, garden 5 min. on foot. We didn't get married, although we wanted to. She goes to her mother every other day at least, they call up every day, then take her to the hospital, then cook, clean up, pay for housing and communal services, in general, everything. Everything is complicated by the fact that she, mom, is very sick, and it is really hard for her to do all this now. I am not against help, but the constant feeling of her mother's presence is exhausting. If we have a scandal, and she refuses her, then she will scandal. I stopped communicating with my mother-in-law. And the girl communicates and drives as if nothing had happened. I swear, communicate and drive while I am away. Once they had a fight, he said that he was against her going to one place, at the behest of her mother, she went anyway. And so we lived for 2 years, with a double life, it seems that we had our own plans, on the other hand, you know that there is still a mother who is not going to let her go anywhere.
The girl honestly tried to refuse her somehow, but she made tantrums, a bad daughter, blackmail, threats. Then she stopped, and we fought, often. I also hate her mother, as she tried to put up, she says that she will buy her a car, despite the fact that we have, so that she has her own, I kind of don't give a car sometimes. And the girl is tired of everything, but she doesn't want to leave her mother, and I'm not ready to be the third. The husband is the head of the family and the head of the wife, not the mother, I think so. In short, a vicious circle. And now I think either to leave her with her mother, or to endure, to wait for her to move away from her, but this can be waited all my life, this is upbringing.
I love her very much, so I endure, I came to my mother-in-law, she says I am to blame, I left money for them to live on. The girl does not communicate with me, wants to leave, I try to return her, I write sms hating, I apologize. But I myself think whether it is worth it, or whether it will be resigned. I love the girl, although it seems she doesn't really appreciate it. I, too, tortured her with scandals, but I was tired of enduring a close union with my mother. My parents help us, they give the child and her gifts, it's not enough for me, I don’t mind, her mother didn’t help, but we always owe her, and the girl doesn’t even oppose it. Also, her mother was not her mother, but adopted.
Maybe I'm wrong in something, advise, is there a way out, or just go?
Ira and I have been married for only six months. But the impression is that, in fact, our marriage has been going on for twenty years and we are tired of each other to death. At least I told her. I spend almost all weekends and holidays alone. And all because my wife does not crawl out from my mother.
I always knew that she was a mama's daughter, but while we met, this did not bother me. On the contrary, I was glad that she had learned a lot from her mother - to cook deliciously, to save money, to quickly cope with everyday issues. But when we began to live together after the wedding, I fully learned the other side of the medal. On weekdays after work, Ira runs to her mother every other day - unnecessarily, just to chat. He comes home closer to midnight and immediately goes to bed. On weekends, she, too, from morning to evening with her parents - I can neither talk to her, nor go somewhere.
How many times did I ask her in a cafe, in a movie, to see her friends. But she considers going to a cafe wasteful (her mother taught that you need to eat at home), she does not like what goes to the cinemas, Ira is bored with my friends. She constantly calls me with her, to my parents. But it's enough for me to communicate with my mother-in-law once a month, my brain explodes from their chatter “about theirs, about women”! Moreover, Ira's mother is a domineering woman who needs to control everyone. Therefore, she only supports her daughter's behavior, but the fact that we don't really have a family life does not bother her.
Here's a fresh example - the New Year holidays. Guess where we celebrated the New Year? That's right, Irina's parents, although she and I were invited to a good company. But Ira flatly refused, and I realized that I had little choice: either to celebrate with Irina's family, or where I want, but without a wife. I don't need unnecessary quarrels, so I followed her lead. I hoped that at least on the 1st or 2nd we would go to our friends and have some fun. But the next day my wife said to me: “Igor, let's go to my mother’s salads to finish eating! Do you want to see Vovka with Lenka? Well, okay, go to them yourself, and I'll go to my own! " The next day I tried to talk to her about everything. In response, there was at first bewilderment: “Am I going to my lover? Or am I hanging out with my girlfriends in taverns? " Then tears: "You hate my mother, you want to quarrel with me!" In the end, it seemed to me that Ira seemed to understand something. She even agreed to go to the cinema, I hoped later to spend a romantic evening with her at home, secretly bought a bottle of wine and fruit. But this trip did not bring joy to anyone - the wife sat for the whole session with such a face as if she had been brought to hard labor, on the way back she was whining, what a terrible film it was, and, barely crossing the threshold of the apartment, she ran to call my mother and talked to her all evening, locked in a room. Here is a romantic evening for you! In general, I feel that my patience is at the limit, but I love my wife, I do not want to part with her. I don’t know how to save the situation ...
Each a person creates a family with the hope that until the end of his days he will live with his spouse in love and harmony, raising his children together and sharing the joy of his grandchildren. But over the years of living together, for most married couples, love gradually fades away and it becomes clear that their marriage has come to an end. There are 8 signs that indicate that it is time for spouses to break up, rather than trying to maintain a relationship that only brings pain and deprives both spouses of a chance for happiness. So, what are the signs that you can understand that your marriage has come to an end:
1. Lack of desire to please and surprise... If a spouse is indifferent to what her wife looks like, and she has no desire to please her husband with delicious dishes and to please him, then this is the beginning of the end. Absolute indifference to what the spouse is doing is a characteristic sign of a lack of love. If you are late at work or go on a business trip for a long time, and your wife or husband does not call you and does not write SMS, then it’s time to think about whether it is worth living with a person who does not need you. But jealousy and resentment should not be confused with cooling feelings. Think about whether you would like to please your spouse with an expensive gift? If your answer is yes, then you just need to have a heart-to-heart talk with your spouse.
2. There is no desire to communicate with a spouse... Often a husband and wife come home, have dinner in silence, and then go to different rooms, where each of them does his own business. Joint conversation and communication tires them. If you are just waiting for your spouse to leave home, and you can enjoy loneliness, and your every conversation with him turns into a quarrel, then you can no longer expect a happy end to such a relationship. In this case, it is better to part than to try to maintain a relationship, cause each other suffering and drag a "suitcase without a handle."
3. Sleep separately... If a husband and wife sleep in different rooms, and they have sex just for show, then this is a sure sign of fading away. Aloofness and unwillingness to have sex with a partner suggests that the person is no longer close. Sharing a bed, touching during sleep and communication in the dark play an important role in family relationships, and sleeping separately are mainly those spouses who have caught their partner cheating or are very jealous of him.
You should not test each other's patience, the lack of intimate relationships sooner or later leads to betrayal. If during sex the expressions "nightmare", "dirt", "torment" and "why am I putting up with this?" Come to your mind, then just let go of your partner and give him the opportunity to find his happiness. And start looking for new relationships that will bring you peace of mind and sexual satisfaction.
4. Do not want to spend leisure time together... Ask yourself if you would like your spouse to attend the birthday of a friend or girlfriend where you are invited. If you think that he will only ruin your mood on a festive evening and that it is better for you to relax in the company of friends or girlfriends without him, then you are most likely going to part with your spouse. In this case, it is worth saving the marriage only for the sake of the children, but even here it is necessary to think about whether the child will benefit from living together in the same house of essentially strangers. If you are in no rush to go home after work and try to spend all your free time with friends, then this is also a sign of an exhausted relationship.
5. You think you love two at once... All people are to some extent polygamous, everyone in their youth wants to please not only their partner, but also to hear compliments and to accept courtship from others. The desire to "try an apple from someone else's garden" is present in everyone up to 45-50 years old, although not everyone admits this and decides to cheat. But if it seems to you that you love two at once, then you will have to part with your spouse. Because if he was really dear to you, then the second simply would not exist.
6. Avarice in relation to the spouse... The first sign of a husband's cooling off is his unwillingness to spend on the needs of his wife. If he stopped buying you gifts and paying for you, then he no longer cares what you think of him. There is no need to create an illusion that the husband has begun to earn less or become more economical. He just decided for himself that you became a stranger for him, and he should only provide for his relatives and friends.
7. You are constantly comparing your spouse to others.... My friend is happily married, but her husband went bald early. I somehow tactlessly asked her if her attitude towards her husband had changed after he lost his hair, and with it his former beauty. A friend with a smile replied that she did not even notice that her husband was bald, he remained the most beloved and dear person for her, as he was before. If you began to believe that your spouse has changed a lot and is now unworthy of admiration, then do not torture him further and let him go. There is no need to constantly humiliate him and compare with others, say that this other is more educated, stronger, richer and cooler. The neighbor is always better, but his own is dearer. If your own does not seem more beautiful, then this is a sign that your marriage has come to an end.
8. You are constantly humiliated... If your spouse constantly humiliates you, insults you with obscene words, or even raises his hand, then he no longer values your attitude towards him. No matter how much we are told that we need to part with those to whom we no longer feel any feelings, unfortunately, many of us do not have enough determination to be the first to take this crucial step. An obstacle to this can be common children, the need to share property, financial difficulties and a habit.
We tolerate humiliation and try not to see that we have long ceased to be respected. Moreover, we are trying in vain to refresh feelings that have long been gone, we are anticipated by lovers in order to preserve the family and not deprive the children of their father or mother. Is it worth doing this? Maybe it is better to immediately break off the relationship and part, than to regret in old age that life has passed, and there was no happiness, and there is no?
