There are men who do not cheat on their wives. Men who do not change: who are they? "Moral attitudes keep from betrayal"
Again about our "favorite" topic. I was asked "Do I think that ALL men walk to the left? It's a difficult question - it's impossible to say for everyone. I think not, but much more than we imagine. Among the huge number of my friends (and we are talking about a couple of hundred) there are only three decent ones. But there are very strong circumstances. The first is sick, the second only cares about computer games, the third got married recently. I remembered that there is another one - he has such a low libido that the girl tells how there is no sex for half a year and no tricks can achieve it. Half a year saturated, half a year silence with "hugs". They call this "seasonal hibernation." After I found out about my friend's grandmother, who met in her youth with another already being married and having a child, I realized that everything is worse than we imagine. At the same time, they are “a classic Soviet cell of society”, which is customary to admire. And later I heard a story about another strong married couple ...
There are 3 things that constantly confuse us:
1. The phrase "if he loves, he will be faithful." She has a twin sister love and loyalty Different things". The first was invented by women who believe that men think like they do. The second - by men to calm deceived wives. Both of them are far from the truth - the cases are individual, and there are a lot of reasons.
2. 99.99% confuse the concepts " keep the husband in the family” with “keep from going to the left.” ALL wise advice heard or read refers to the first situation. And they help a lot. The advice for the second is comparable - forgive me - to the treatment of a serious illness. There are lucky people who discovered it in time or those who were helped by the truth. But there are more who don't. So it is impossible to keep from treason. This is the decision of the individual.
3. When we talk about the fidelity of a partner, we forget that this may be only for the time being. One word, but so much meaning.
Do you want to name the real reasons why the representatives of the stronger sex do not go to the left? They are revealed through long observations, reflections and analysis. Here they are:
1) Low libido. Not problems with potency - namely, a low interest in sex. Only here it is necessary to distinguish between the lack of interest in intimacy personally with you or in life. Often at home it is quiet and calm, but on the side of hoo!
2) Laziness. Not necessarily a lazy lifestyle, but you don’t want to strain yourself to get along with someone.
3) Lack of opportunity. Financial too.
4) Inability to make close acquaintances.
5) Complexes, fear of women.
6) Passivity. He himself will not go for a new connection, but he can fully respond to the women's initiative.
7) Complexes, fear of being rejected
8) Severe stress or depression. True, sometimes a connection outside of marriage is a way to relieve such tension.
9) There are other ways, besides sex, to catch the courage and adrenaline.
10) Worked up. This usually applies to late married men. Although it is worth remembering that there are almost no former revelers, as well as former drug addicts. Rather, it is more about the usual way of life of a free man, and not about a lover of women.
11) The novelty of the relationship. While euphoria, hormones are raging, the supplement is not needed.
12) Decent environment. Husband's friends have a huge influence. If they “fornicate”, sooner or later yours will also start, they will not want to consider themselves a black sheep. Not necessarily friends will tease him, not at all. He himself will think "I'm red, or what?" It has little to do with resistance to the opinions of others. Water wears away a stone - even if nothing is imposed on him, a man with enviable regularity notes how everyone except him "walks and does not bathe." Therefore, if he has an authoritative friend (or girlfriend) a little older, to whom the spouse listens, often communicates with him (her) and knows how he despises adultery, then his position will also influence the behavior of the spouse. Conclusion - pay attention to who you communicate with.
13) A man made a decision to be faithful. I say - it is quite difficult to influence a spouse, this is his decision.
If you notice, really good reasons went to the end of the list. And there is no love at all. It could have been recorded at number 14, but I did not. In a strong family, it becomes self-evident and less thought about.
Now I propose to discuss the female view of infidelity, why it is often erroneous. We presume:
1. If he loves, he will not betray. The most important argument. But for many men, love does not really interfere. Their conscience obsequiously tells them that they are not doing anything wrong, because they are good husbands, take care of children, are not going to leave anyone, and this little one-time adventure is just to revive feelings for his wife and make sure that she is better than the rest. And betrayal has nothing to do with it.
2. There is a lot of sex at home - there is no need to look for it on the side. No matter how much it is and no matter how diverse it is, you get used to it. And it ceases to cause the former euphoria. In addition, not only sex itself is interesting, but new impressions.
3. If you keep yourself in shape, behave correctly, then there will be no reason to look around. See previous paragraph. Over time, you get used to the good and stop seeing. Have you noticed - often mistresses are inferior to their wives in many ways? Here is the explanation.
4. Will not change if he is afraid of losing. In fact, it doesn't stop much. Everyone is sure that he will be able to cover his tracks so that no one finds out.
5. Disgust. Yes, that's a little more reasonable. But it works in theory, but in practice - a man falls in love with a specific girl, he likes her, and now he no longer takes a steam bath. Not to mention the fact that many women are not at all difficult to convince of their decency, and even virginity, when they understand how they want them.
6. Husband has no time. Home - work, at work only the male team - weekends together. I happened to observe twice how men managed to cheat on their wives, even working with them in the same office in neighboring offices. His "girlfriend" came as a client. Wife for lunch - she's in the office. Or in the back room.
7. After reading item 6, you exclaimed “Nonsense! I know my partner, he's not impressed with a quick fuck, he needs passion, play." But are we aware of the background of this intercourse in the back room? Maybe they have known each other for a long time or corresponded - social networks are now full. And here's another option. The husband works among the same-sex team. There are no women there, but a client comes, or a courier, or a lady from a neighboring building. First it just comes. Then they greet each other politely. Some amount of time passes. After a few times, she smiles in greeting. Then they smile at each other. After a while, they start talking. Even later - they communicate at dinner, during a smoke break or just. Everything! With the mutual sympathy that has arisen, this is already a relationship! And the fuck in the back room is their result. At what the result is bright, passions seethe, the blood boils. Danger! Risk! Here is your spouse, who is allegedly not interested in leftist sex.
8. “My husband is faithful to me. He cares too much about our family." It is impossible to know what is going on in the mind of another person, especially if he does not really want it. Remember, after all, you also have something about which the faithful are absolutely neither a dream nor a spirit. Not necessarily embarrassing or a secret - you just don't find it necessary to say no matter why. Similarly, with your knowledge of your husband. You know his position only from his words and your conjectures. Moreover, many husbands specifically inspire certain thoughts in their partners - I’m not like that, I don’t accept it, I walk up, it’s already boring for me, ladies are too accessible (not to my taste, predictable, etc.). He does the right thing - he takes care of his soul mate.
Sad, right? It makes me sad when I think about it. But the thought consoles - there are faithful husbands, albeit a little. All the more reason to appreciate them. Well, what to do with all this information - I will share next time. And to the question - why did you, Olya, write all these nasty things, I will answer - forewarned, then armed. A little later we will arm ourselves.
We would like to think that the man we date will never cheat on us. But the truth is that cheating happens, and quite often.
Men cheat: sometimes to us, sometimes with us. We are constantly trying to understand why they do it. And there can be many reasons for this: this is the lack of open and close communication in a relationship, when a man does not feel that a woman understands his needs and desires.
If it is difficult to deal with this, then we will go from the opposite. What can make a man never cheat on his woman? Here is what they themselves say:
- 1. This is education.
- 3. Change is expensive.
- 5. The consequences are worse than the process.
- 7. I don't want anyone else.
- 8. Appreciate what you have.
- 9. The game is not worth the candle.
1. This is education.
“I was brought up that way. My father was a family lawyer, and as a child I often visited his office and heard how infidelity destroyed families and lives. At the age of 12, I swore that I myself would never do this, and never did so.
2. When a woman loves him for who he is.
“It's not just about sex. Of course, good sex helps. But the main thing is that a woman accepts me for who I am. Men don't like it when people try to change them."
3. Change is expensive.
“To be honest, it’s cheaper to provide for only your wife than to lose her and look for another.”
4. Too much stress is not sexy.
“Every time I start fantasizing about passionate sex with a stranger, my hands start to sweat from the experience. And it's not just the fear of being caught. After all, this means that I will have to lie, remember my lies, start a sexual relationship with a new person, get used to and adapt, and of course imagine the reaction of family, friends and wife if everything becomes known. At the same time, no matter how good sex is, it does not compensate for all these experiences, which are not at all sexual.
5. The consequences are worse than the process.
“Of course, there is definitely something dizzying about feeling the attention of another woman, her desire for you, the novelty of sex, some kind of animal passion. But then after all, all the same, three consequences await: you will be caught, you will be tormented by guilt, and nothing, emptiness. I would not want to realize that I have no conscience at all in relation to my relationship and my woman.
6. Better to pay attention and improve relations with your woman.
“Actually, it's not difficult to spend 5 minutes to pay attention to your girlfriend. To casually hug her, massage her neck while she cooks something in the kitchen, open a bottle of wine and relax with her. Emotional intimacy cannot be betrayed."
7. I don't want anyone else.
“When I am in a relationship, I spend my time and energy only on this person, and I am not interested in anyone else.”
8. Appreciate what you have.
“Sexual satisfaction from sex with another is fleeting. If you have children, you must consider what kind of example you are setting for them. Appreciate the life you have. Solve problems that made you want to cheat on your wife. True love will make your sex more passionate and satisfying.”
9. The game is not worth the candle.
“Sex is great, but it's not much different from each other. Yes, the other woman may be a little more beautiful, more experienced, or more naive, but in general, everything is the same. And if everything is found out, it will be worth a lot.
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There can be an infinite number of reasons why a man decides to commit adultery: from lack of attention to the nature of character and temperament. What makes men never cheat?
Upbringing
"I was brought up like that. In addition, my father was a family lawyer, so from my childhood I could watch how betrayal alienates people and destroys families, hurts children. Once I made a promise to myself that I would never go to betrayal, and I keep this word to this day.
The woman loves him the way he is.
“You know, for me it’s not all about intimacy. Yes, it is important. Yes, this is what relationships are about. But the most important thing for me is to be accepted as imperfect: a little fat, a little boring, a little weird. My wife has already accepted me this way, so there is no need for me to look for another home.
Too expensive
“To be honest, it’s terribly expensive. My friend, in addition to his wife and two children, also has a mistress, and he never even has money for beer.
Many experiences
“Sometimes when I notice a beautiful girl and I think about her, you know, in what context, my pulse starts to quicken and my palms begin to sweat. It's not just the fear of being caught, but also the fact that you have to lie, all the time. Even if you changed once, you still have to lie until the very end. Also remember this lie. I think betrayal will immediately deprive me of both family and friends, and the respect of colleagues, and most importantly, after that I can hardly consider myself worthy.
The consequences are worse than the process
“Of course, it's always nice that despite your age and the ring, you remain attractive to the opposite sex. The attention itself is pleasant, and the fact that they want you, and maybe I myself have already stood at the border ... But then the consequences await, and they are worse than war. And this gnawing sense of guilt that won't go away easily, if at all."
It's better to pay attention to your woman
“My woman is my choice. I see no point in looking at a passerby, no matter how beautiful she may be. But in general, I prefer to spend my mental strength and money on my beloved woman.
Wants no one else
“For me, loyalty exists in only two categories: either I want other women, but I hold back, or I don’t want any other woman except my wife. I’m lucky, my loyalty is in the second category.” When I am in a relationship, I spend my time and energy only on this person, and I am not interested in anyone else.
Respect
“Treason for me is primarily humiliation for myself. Then, one day, when I'm shopping in the supermarket with my wife, it will pass, and I will feel humiliated for myself and for my wife, regardless of whether she knows about the betrayal or not.
We live with the firm conviction that "all men are theirs ...". And the first in the list of masculine qualities we hate is the ability of the stronger sex to enter into intimate contacts always and everywhere, that is, to cheat on their other halves. However, the men themselves do not deny this: they say, we are polygamous, take it, dear ladies, as a given and do not try to remake us! But do all men really go to the left so easily, or are there exceptions to this sad rule for women?
It turns out that there are men who, for all their polygamy, do not cheat on their women. As a rule, the position of such men can be expressed by the words: "Why go to the left, if I feel so good!" Conventionally, they can be divided into several categories.
wife for growth
In such relationships, a woman by origin, education, social status or external data is always slightly higher than a man. This is the so-called wife for growth, because a man all his life - sometimes successfully, and sometimes unsuccessfully - will try to reach her level. And if she does not neglect her partner and does not despise him, he is absolutely happy. Not surprisingly, families built on this principle are the most stable.
There is also a downside to this balance of power in the family, in which a woman, feeling her superiority, becomes arrogant, arrogant and rude. But - unbelievable, but true! - a man does not cheat on such a wife - he is afraid of losing. He knows that the slightest reason is enough for his despising wife to get rid of her ballast husband: "If she finds out about the betrayal, it will be possible to put an end to the relationship - she will never forgive me for this: she will kick me out of the house and will not let me see the children." Here the spouse does not take risks - he sits quietly, like a mouse under a broom.
Good is not sought from good
In such a family, a man and a woman are equal, therefore they treat each other well both in life and in relationships, everything suits them. “Well, I’ll find myself young,” the husband thinks in such cases, “she will be a beauty - legs from the ears, breasts of the fourth size. But can she, like my wife, understand me not only from a half-word, but also from a half-look and share all my hobbies are hiking, campfire gatherings, passion for bard songs? In general, on sound reflection, a man understands that it is not worth looking for good about good - this, as a rule, does not end with anything good.
It is interesting that even if the relationship between partners equal to each other does not develop in the best way, the man still does not want to destroy them. True, he argues differently in this case: “Yes, perhaps over the years our feelings have faded, and I’m still young enough and could find myself another one. But then you’ll have to start all over again, and it’s so tiring! case, as a result, everything will turn out exactly the same, and in the worst case, even worse. Well, why is all this necessary - to change the awl for soap?"
The tale of Cinderella
The third option: the woman is still below her man in terms of the same indicators - mind, education, origin, social status, appearance. He understands that she is no match for him, but he is touched by the zeal with which she tries to match him - any of his wishes are fulfilled with lightning speed. In fact, this is another - modern - variation of the fairy tale about Cinderella, who was lucky enough to marry the Prince. “Let her not succeed,” he thinks, “but she tries so hard! Why do I need adultery if I get everything I want in my own house, and even more.”
It happens that a woman not only falls short of a man, but is not going to do it, but he still does not change her. The "justifications" for such behavior can be very different. For example, no matter what, a man loves this woman. Or he is kept near her by a sense of duty: “Of course, I feel bad with her, but she is my wife, I can’t just take and leave her!” Or is he afraid of what others will think about him: "God forbid, the children will find out - what will they tell me ?!"
"Pity humiliates a person"?
And, finally, the fourth option: a woman is not just below a man, but, roughly speaking, below the lowest limit. But she loves him and he, in spite of everything, does not leave her - he ... pities her. “I would definitely leave her,” he convinces himself, “if she were young and healthy, but now, after so many years, and even after the birth of three children, she is not at all what she used to be. She will be lost without me! "
In a family where a woman is obviously lower than her partner, but there is no love and harmony between them, a man also does not go to the left, but for completely different reasons. “Of course, she doesn’t deserve me,” he thinks, “but I can do whatever I want, no one touches me and doesn’t force me to live by my own standards.” A man can lie on the couch all day, drink beer with friends every evening, and go fishing every weekend - no one will “cut” him for this or, having dressed up, drag him to the theater or visit his mother-in-law, where he is guaranteed will die of boredom. He can disappear for days at work, no one will suspect that he is spending this time with his mistress - his wife gives him complete freedom of action, because she simply does not care where he is and what is happening to him. In fact, here we are dealing with betrayal, but not physical, but moral, when a man cheats on his wife with his work or hobby, but, as they say, this is a completely different story.
culture
Why do men cheat on their wives and girlfriends? Take at least celebrities: such personalities as Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tom Cruise, Bruce Willis ... They have everything - talent, fame, money and wonderful families. And at the same time, even such men manage to look for someone on the side. But why is this happening? What is the reason that men cheat? In fact, according to American psychologists, men give nine of the most common answers to this question.
According to one Kat Hertlein, Ph.D. and professor of human development at the University of Nevada, about 40 percent of men cheat. Moreover, this figure has not changed much since the 1950s when, as a result of one well-known sociological study, it turned out that 50 percent of men cheat at about the same period of marriage. But why do they change?
Why do men cheat? Expert opinion
According to David Buss, professor of psychology at the University of Texas, the number one reason is that men crave sexual diversity, because they developed a desire to be with different women. For men, even the process of reproduction itself looks much easier (just one sexual intercourse compared to nine months of pregnancy in women).
In fact, they are biologically programmed to leave as many offspring as possible after themselves, for which it is necessary to mate with a large number of women. "The child was a kind of reward for a short-term sexual intercourse which is more valued by men than by women Bass says. - Thus, after thousands of generations, the desire for sexual diversity was deposited in the brain of men..
Are there other reasons that can also be considered an important explanation for male infidelity? Men are simply unhappy with their chosen ones, and sex on the side is an easy and inexpensive pleasure, allowing, as they say, to pass the harsh and boring days that men spend in unhappy marriages. According to Professor Bass, this reason is one of the most common causes of male infidelity.
However, let us return to the statement that the wives of famous husbands and men in power also very often face the fact that their chosen ones cheat on them. "Women are attracted to men who are invested with power and status, since a public figure usually has many possibilities" , - Bass reveals a simple secret. However, it doesn't matter if your spouse is a born politician, a famous actor, or an ordinary plumber - the reasons why all these people cheat are about the same.
According to Steve Santagati, author of popular publications in the West devoted to the search for the causes of male infidelity, ninety-nine percent of adultery occur for one very simple reason - because of ordinary boredom! However, whatever the reason, men are rewarded for this with a very unflattering name - a male. However, we will give the “males” themselves a chance to justify themselves by listening to their opinion on the nine most common explanations for the causes of betrayal.
Why do men cheat? The opinion of the men themselves
1. She is not what she used to be.
An ordinary average man is no better or worse than the biblical character Adam - they are also not able to resist the temptation of a ripe fruit (especially if a woman whom men, in theory, should not change, ceases to follow itself). "If she was so lazy that she gained weight, or if she just didn't look after her appearance, it's no surprise that a man looks at other women.", says Santagati.
Santagati confirms the simple truth that a woman who wants to keep a man on a short leash is simply obliged to look at her reflection in the mirror more often and more closely. However, men should do the same! After all, it often happens that a husband has long turned into a shapeless slug, and everything continues to demand perfection from his soul mate! "It's typical double standards", - Santagati is sure.
For their part, men need to make certain efforts in order to try again to rekindle the spark of relationships at home, and not on the side. "Do so to make her feel lovely, even if you have to lie , advises Santagati. - Tell her how beautiful she is and how you appreciate this trait in her. This will make her feel sexy and she will want you to feel happier too.".
Santagati believes that this attitude can lead to more desirable and enjoyable sex, and one Sue Johnson, professor of clinical psychology, agrees. from the University of Ottawa, Canada. "Everything indicates that when a woman feels your reliability and attention, this will lead to a better relationship with a partner", - Professor Johnson confirms another hackneyed truth.
2. She has a grumpy personality
It's probably hard to imagine what can literally push a married man into the arms of another woman faster than his own grumpy spouse. "She's like an annoying mosquito , says Santagati. - He does not want to have sex with his wife, he would like to stay away from her altogether. And the most practical solution is to have sex with a more intelligent woman.".
However, not all men agree with Santagati. One Steven Solomon, who is a Ph.D., calls this approach complete nonsense. "No woman does anything for which a cheating man can be forgiven. Solomon is sure. - No matter how the relationship develops, it is unlikely to be beneficial if in the end everything goes to adultery..
3. She doesn't understand me!
Men who regularly cheat on their wives very often state that they do not feel understanding from their soulmate. However, according to Kat Hartlein, this is not always the fault of women, because very often they are either too angry or simply afraid to make contact. Quite a strange attempt to justify such women, isn't it? However, given that it came from the lips of a woman ...
"It's easier for men to try to arrange a relationship on the side than to work on a relationship with their partner., says Hartlane. - We often see such a "triangulation". The deep-seated fear of close intimacy is hard to overcome by men. And it is much easier for them to start changing again. Hartlein is sure that in this situation there is no more effective way than visiting a psychologist. I wonder what the professor could advise to those couples in this situation who will never be dragged into the office of a psychotherapist?
4. Cheating turns on...
Many men who like to go left very often become a victim of their own desire to tickle their nerves, feel the risk, play with fire ... They like to do it, and no one forces them! "It adds a certain level of risk , explains Santagati, and this risk adds excitement". However, if one follows such reasoning, is there anything that can stop such a man, since he is determined to go to the left?
Psychologists believe that wives need to maintain a kind of mystery, maintaining the spark of sexual life in the family. In fact, any woman is able to maintain this light in such a way that no man wants to cheat on her. However, according to Santagati, many men also cheat because of feelings of fear, loneliness or aggression. "The cheating partner doesn't deal with these feelings, which leads him to infidelity" he says. I wonder what the professor means?
5. To the side, like hunting!
It often happens that married men who cheat on their wives cannot even really explain why they are doing it. At the same time, with enviable perseverance and constancy spend a lot of time and energy every day looking for something new. In fact, this is akin to the ancient instinct when a man played the role of a hunter and gatherer - after all, this is the role that many lovers of going left now play, the role of a hunter and gatherer of women.
"Perhaps such a man married too soon, suggests Santagati. - Or does he feel like he hasn't tried everything yet?. Women can protect themselves from such relationships, if they can recognize such behavior of their boyfriend. Fortunately for young ladies who do not heed too much other people's advice and the voice of reason, there are several ways to recognize the "male".
Santagati is sure that any woman is able to figure out such a womanizer, carefully observing how a man behaves, being, for example, in a room where there are many very attractive and spectacular women. If a girl fails, as they say, throw the reins on her boyfriend at the very beginning of a romantic acquaintance, there is little chance that it will be possible to do this later. "The first three months are the most revealing", says Santagati.
6. It's all the call of nature, honey ...
"It's our biological nature to be with as many women as possible., says Santagati. - If we have seen a woman naked several times, it becomes commonplace for us. And no matter how beautiful your body is- we get used to it and want to experience something new: new lips, a different figure ... We are monogamous only because we realize that love and friendship are more important things than a casual relationship on the side ".
However, Juliet Williams, assistant professor at the University of California at Los Angeles, strongly disagrees with this statement. "It doesn't matter even the largest number of male infidelities It's still not biologically determined. she said. - There is still a large percentage of men who are monogamous.".
It's hard to say whether this is evolution, biology, or just the pursuit of new sensations, but experts who study the phenomenon of adultery agree that men really tend to look for different sexual partners. However, no one dared to say that this process is entirely controlled by men. In other words, the stronger sex is quite capable of taking control of this process and not changing it.
"Most men do not give in to their desires for the simple reason that they do not want to jeopardize their social status, reputation or their marriage., - says Professor Bass of the University of Texas. – Even one of the former US presidents, Jimmy Carter, for example, said in one of his interviews that he also has lust in his heart, however, as far as we know, he never followed her lead..
7. It's just sex and nothing else!
For most men, sex and love are two completely different things. “We actually believe that we can love our spouse and still lust after sex with other women. We separate these two concepts in our brain" , - Santagati is sure. This is the simplest division of concepts and allows men to easily cheat on their wives, without feeling any sense of guilt. However, there is one exception here.
"Any sense of guilt that a man may experience after sex is not due to the fact of sex itself, but to the possible consequences, says Santagati. - Will she continue to obsessively pursue him? Will the wife know anything? If a man is prone to monogamous relationships, he will ask himself the main question before cheating: is it worth it? He must be able to imagine the worst case scenario, which is that his wife finds out and it breaks her heart. Is it worth it?"
8. Not today, honey, not today ...
Let's face the truth. As a rule, men need sex more often than women. And if their wives, tired of worries with children and housework during the day, are not at all inclined to experiments, then even the most intelligent hubby will get bored and start looking to the left. And just more sexually active men who have not found an appropriate partner will also continue to search after marriage. It is about the incompatibility of their sexual activity.
9. I change because I can!
As Porthos from The Three Musketeers said - "I fight because I fight!" So it is often extremely difficult for us men to avoid the temptation to rush ... no, not into a fight, but into the bosom of debauchery, especially if this temptation is so accessible! In addition, thanks to the development of modern technologies (mainly the Internet), it has become easy for men to cheat literally every minute!
Yes, yes, men cheat all the time - browsing some website on their laptop, or staring at the TV - and they can do it next to their sleeping wife! "We do not mean contact at the level of the genitals, says Hartlane. “Cheating is anything that can break a hole in a relationship, including flirting, sexual communication online, and any secrets from your spouse.” Well, it seems that cheating is not something that happens to a man but what's going on in his brain!
