Perfectionism in elementary school. Childhood Perfectionism: The Cure for Perfection

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Many of us have high expectations of ourselves and our lives in every aspect. And while we see perfection as an end in itself, we create a life that we cannot fully enjoy. We live this way ourselves and teach our children the same. Growing up, they also cannot enjoy life and feel simple human happiness. How do we turn children into perfectionists and what to do about it?

Perfectionism is an excessive desire for perfection in everything: in thoughts, words, actions, behavior and life in general. The perfectionist sets himself excessively high, unrealistic goals and, when he does not achieve them, perceives this as a personal loss.

The "seeds of perfectionism" are sown in each of us. As a rule, we do not think about it and raise our children in the same way as we were raised.

School: transcend perfection

School is a place where excellence triumphs. The school shapes the mindset of children in which they strive to surpass excellence.

The grading and points system is not designed for teachers, but rather for the students themselves - so that they know “their place”, so that they constantly answer the question: how good are you? How perfect?

Ask teachers who their favorites are - most likely, these are excellent students, exemplary and diligent. They predict a great future. Our education system encourages the pursuit of excellence. It is believed that the closer the child is to the ideal, the more chances he has for a better life in the future.

And parents support this idea, willingly acting as a "punitive body", checking the diary, monitoring homework, comparing their child's progress with the success of his classmates.

We break the child, rewarding socially approved behavior with bonuses, suppressing and punishing unwanted actions.

Our world is a world of competition. We believe that in order to succeed in it, it is important to be as close to perfection as possible. We instill obedience, teach children to "behave normally in public."

We break our child by resorting to the carrot and stick method, rewarding socially approved behavior with bonuses and care, suppressing and punishing unwanted actions. And others consider it possible to praise parents for the exemplary behavior of children.

Since parents are the most important and precious thing in a child's life, he will try his best to fit in and live up to parental expectations. Perfectionism gives him the right not to be rejected, the right to love, recognition and respect.

THE MAIN TRAP OF PERFECTIONISM

Studies show that those who strive for excellence from childhood achieve less than others.

It's all about a cycle of unattainable goals and negative consequences. Parents, without knowing it, teach the child to set such goals: to be better, to try harder, to study better. If the child does not achieve the goal, he begins to feel like a failure, his self-esteem drops. His condition can cause a syndrome of increased anxiety or even depression.

A perfectionist thinks that if he tries harder next time, he will succeed. This way of thinking restarts the cycle and inevitably leads to a new failure and negative consequences.

Perfectionism is a wheel that won't stop turning on its own. But it is in our power to stop this running in circles.

HOW TO SAVE YOUR CHILD FROM PERFECTIONISM

In order for children not to suffer from this way of thinking, first of all, parents themselves need to get rid of perfectionism. If you notice that your child is trying too hard, is constantly dissatisfied with the result, and is unnecessarily demanding of himself, ask yourself how you imposed this behavior on him and what fear is behind your perfectionism. As a rule, this is the fear of disapproval, punishment, condemnation, the fear of not being good enough. All this pushes us to super efforts.

We need to gain strength and face this fear. There is an easy way to do this: intentionally do what you are afraid of (maybe not once, but again and again). Ask someone close to express disapproval of you, criticize you, point out your disadvantages. Understand that this is not as scary as you thought that you could overcome it.

Realize that you are no longer the little child who was once afraid of parental dislike or punishment. After doing this, you will feel that many years of tension are releasing you.

Give your child the right to be imperfect, free and enjoy life

Soon, imperceptibly for yourself, you will be freed from perfectionism, from the duty to be perfect. You will feel like a free person, you will release a large amount of energy and strength that you can direct in the right direction.

By understanding this, you can help your child by pushing fears and insecurities away from him. Do what you are afraid of, tell your child about it. Talk about your feelings so that he can tell you about his own. Be ready to hear it.

Both you and your child are far from perfect, and there is nothing to worry about. It is our imperfections that underlie our uniqueness and individual value.

Give your child the right to be imperfect, which means the opportunity to be free and enjoy life.

about the author

Trainer, psychologist, psychoanalyst. Her website.

Working side by side with a perfectionist - a person who "always knows what's best", notices the slightest flaws and inaccuracies and strives for an unattainable ideal in everything - is a heavy burden. But is it so easy for the perfectionist himself?

The editors of The Point figured out what the essence and causes of this phenomenon are, in what professions perfectionism is desirable and even necessary, and how to get rid of it if it interferes with life. We were helped in this by a psychologist, trainer, expert in managing emotions Alina Kotenko, as well as a psychologist, coach Olga Kovalskaya.

Geniuses and bores

When the Spanish architect Antonio Gaudi was asked why he depicts the smallest sculptural details of the Sagrada Familia so filigreely, because no one would see them at such a height, Gaudi replied: “How can anyone? And the angels?" Modern psychologists define this approach in work and in life as perfectionism, that is, the desire for excellence.

Most of the great works of art, literature and music were created by people with perfectionist tendencies. The same can be said about great discoveries in science. Picasso, Nietzsche and Jobs are pronounced perfectionists who have created a new quality in their work and business, polishing every smallest detail. This makes them geniuses, and their products become part of history.

But are all perfectionists geniuses? Not at all. But there is nothing wrong with striving to do your job at the highest, even super-high level. After all, for example, if there is a need, then everyone would like to get an operation to a perfectionist surgeon. And everyone would be calmer if the nuclear power plants and air traffic were managed by meticulous professionals, attentive to every detail of their work. So, if you are considered a perfectionist, then it is not so bad. Unless your desire for perfection takes on a pathological form that can turn you into a terrible bore, harassing yourself and everyone around you with nitpicking.

“In modern psychology, it is customary to separate “normal” and “pathological” (neurotic) perfectionism, explains Alina Kotenko. - Under normal conditions, a person's desire for high standards in everything is harmoniously integrated into the personality structure. With pathological - the desire for excellence "at any cost", including at the expense of health, psychological well-being and other areas of life.

Recognize a perfectionist

Recognizing the fine line between normal and pathological perfectionism is not so easy for an outside observer. Most perfectionists act very confident on the outside, but often feel frustrated, exhausted, and underappreciated on the inside. Normal or unhealthy perfectionism is defined precisely at the level of internal sensations and feelings that the perfectionist himself experiences.

According to the psychologist, a healthy perfectionist tries to excel at what he does and enjoys the effort. A job well done brings him satisfaction and self-esteem. “He sets realistic and reasonable goals, is emotionally involved in activities, improves their quality and achieves excellent results. At the same time, he rejoices in his own strength and the results of his work,” explains Alina Kotenko.

But for pathological perfectionists, no amount of effort is enough. “They are never satisfied with themselves, they are desperately trying to avoid mistakes and failures,” the expert says. “Criticism and any circumstances affecting self-esteem plunge them into intense negative experiences and distress, up to mental disorders, migraines and sexual dysfunction.”

Psychologists have identified a number of distinctive features of the system of internal beliefs, by which one can recognize a pathological perfectionist in oneself:

Everything in life is either right or wrong, and only two colors prevail in the world - black and white.
The result is important at any cost, not the process.
If not perfect, then nothing is better.
The feeling of satisfaction from what has been achieved is either absent or short-lived. There are always new “bars” that you have to reach for with all your might.
When something goes wrong, or you fail to reach a given level, it means that you are a loser.
You are constantly in a competitive field and it is difficult for you to cooperate with other people, since they are all rivals.
It seems to you that people who do not strive for excellence secretly condemn you, but appreciate you only for your achievements, and not personal qualities
You are constantly looking for acceptance, approval, praise of others, but at the same time you are not able to accept yourself as you are.

Perfection Code

Perfectionism can manifest itself in early childhood. This was proved by one of the experiments conducted at Yorkshire University in Toronto: a group of 4-5-year-old children were asked to use a computer to solve a problem that had no solution. When they failed, some children became angry and anxious, which revealed their perfectionist tendencies, while others were not particularly upset.

Psychologists believe that the foundation of perfectionism is laid in childhood through relationships with parents and other significant people. Perfectionist parents are usually overly critical, demanding, and the child is forced to remain "perfect" in order to meet their expectations and avoid criticism. The little perfectionist is always striving to win parental approval: "If I try harder, if I become perfect, my parents will love me."

“The environment of the child outside the family also influences the formation of perfectionism,” adds Alina Kotenko. “If, for example, a class teacher highlights the achievements of excellent students too much, devalues the results of other students, and there are outsiders in the class, to whom a negative attitude is also deliberately formed, then competition and an unhealthy attitude towards achievements will develop in such a class.”

Player, not coach

The neurotic desire for perfection can have unfortunate consequences in adulthood. Often a perfectionist, out of fear of failure, simply sabotages any actions or falls into the so-called "decision paralysis", thinking for a very long time and double-checking many times before taking a step. In a dynamic and rapidly changing market, such behavior, for example, by a manager can simply destroy a business.

“The unhealthy perfectionism of a manager can play a cruel joke on a business: while the proposed program or product is being “licked out”, someone on the market will release a completely viable version, focusing on the “good” rating, comments Olga Kovalskaya. “In addition, the perfectionism of the boss makes life and work unbearable for subordinates.” As the expert says, you can work productively with such a boss only if you specify unambiguous criteria for the ideal state of solving the problem: “Otherwise, the boss will always be dissatisfied. And who likes to be guilty without guilt?"

At the same time, perfectionist employees are very useful for the successful work of the team, says British psychologist Meredith Belben. In his business model, a professional team must have an organizer, an inspirer who offers ideas, there must be performers, and the question is - when is a perfectionist needed? According to the psychologist, at the stage of completion of the project, when the enthusiasm of all participants decreases and many are ready to do it "and so it will do." Then there is a need for a perfectionist who will not allow the project to be handed over with flaws.

Eternal Beta

However, the super-speeds of the last decade dictate new approaches, where not perfection is valued, but acceptable quality, flexibility and adaptability. For example, in the IT world, the concept of “permanent beta” is popular, when an IT product is released in beta, and then an endless series of updates is released. For example, the Gmail email service was a "beta" product for the first five years since its release in 2004.

The product is not perfect, but it is quite good and useful today. Then truly viable products have the chance to continually improve as they go along. Surely among them there are those that are not ashamed to show the angels, whose opinion Gaudí was so worried about.

How to get rid of perfectionism if it interferes with life: advice from our experts

1. If you notice signs of unhealthy perfectionism behind you, you should think: what is behind this? Whose recognition and favor are you seeking? How important is this person's praise to you? What is the fundamental difference between "perfect" and just "quality"? Maybe it doesn't exist at all?

2. Determine for yourself the balance between the importance of the case and the price you have to pay for its flawless execution. How much, for example, will your overtime "vigilance" on a project until late at night affect your relationships with your loved ones? Is it worth it?

3. Try to be a little more forgiving of yourself. Allow yourself to make mistakes, let it be three "permissible" mistakes a day, for which you will not scold yourself.

4. Try to be more tolerant of the imperfections of others. By imposing your perfectionist worldview on others, you seek to control people, and nobody likes that. Don't force anyone to do anything, even if you actually "know best".

The article is intended for parents who do not want to raise a neurotic person out of their child, who can only fall into depressive or irritable states when they do not get what they want.

Perfectionist- a person who strives, loves and requires only the ideal. Everything else is considered wrong, bad and unnecessary.

How many perfect people do you know? Ever experienced a perfectly organized job? Have you seen the perfect love couples?

Since the ideal is something unattainable in real life, parents should think about parenting methods so as not to cultivate perfectionism in their children.

Often parents themselves are perfectionists, which they nurture in their own children through the desire to make them the very best.

Since adults want to look like the best moms and dads in the eyes of others, they achieve this at the expense of the ideality of their own children.

Their children should study only excellently, read poems better than anyone else, run faster, be the best in absolutely everything. If, for some reason, teachers do not notice this or infringe on the ability of students to show all their talents, then parents go to them to find out the reasons for such behavior.

Parents, along with perfectionism, develop neurosis and depression in their children.

Moms and dads inspire the idea that kids should be the best always, everywhere and in everything. Other children may learn poorly or not be able to do something, but they should excel in everything. It is at this stage of upbringing that parents convey the idea that children have no right to make mistakes. And since a person a priori cannot but make mistakes in real life, achieve perfection, which may not exist, children develop nervous disorders and depression.

Parents demand perfection from their children, respectively, their requirements will become more and more stringent every year.

Since the ideal is something vague, sometimes ephemeral and unattainable, the child is simply not destined to receive praise and approval from parents. Dad and mom will always be unhappy with him, pointing out his shortcomings that he has. And merits and intermediate successes will not deserve their attention.

It should be noted that in this case, the parents themselves form the ideal image and force the child to conform to it. It is not the child himself who determines what he should be, but adults form the ideal, which is often unattainable with the help of the child's capabilities and abilities. All this is often supported by similar phrases: “If you want to be loved, you must be the best in everything! You have the right to rejoice when you achieve success/perfection. Until then, keep working."

Such upbringing measures lead to getting used to the harsh conditions of life, when the child must constantly strive for perfection, never rejoice at the successes achieved, ask society what else needs to be corrected in it.

It is the perfectionist who has low self-esteem, because he never considers himself perfect, unique, ideal, despite all the shortcomings. The lack of the ability to enjoy what you already have, and the desire to be liked by absolutely all people, lowers self-esteem, causes a depressive state and loss in all the diversity of life.

Perfectionism is the pursuit of perfection trying to be perfect and do everything perfectly. Although at first glance such aspirations of the child may seem enviable (“diligent, purposeful - what better”), in fact, children with emerging perfectionism are not a gift for parents. Like adult perfectionists, they have problems that prevent them from living and developing, and make their parents nervous.

Such a child may be

Slow, "kopush". He does not have time to go anywhere, redoes all the cases 20 times, writes one exercise for two hours and as a result does not have time to do the rest of his homework. At school, he does not have time to write a test. Teachers complain that he is lagging behind the whole class in the lesson, although they may add: “It’s amazing, and this is with his abilities” ...

Postponing "for later." He puts off doing homework until the night, then does it at midnight, goes to school sleepy. Especially when it comes to serious, voluminous homework, such as an essay or essay. Their implementation is delayed indefinitely, sometimes a student simply does not pass them and gets a deuce.

Irritable. Snaps at parents for any reason.
Having poor relationships with peers. At school, he is teased, and he feels rejected and unhappy.

In severe cases, the little perfectionist generally gives up all attempts to learn. To the ideal - as to the moon, it is not worth trying to achieve it. “Yes, I'm bad,” the child seems to say with a challenge.

Parents do not stand aside and try hard to solve the problems of the child. Their methods usually consist of criticism, explaining to the child that his behavior is wrong, and advice on how to behave correctly. Since the situation is not getting better from this, but aggravated, parents redouble their efforts - explanations turn into criticism, and even into angry shouts, advice - into constant moralizing and lectures.

The mother of a perfectionist boy at a psychologist’s appointment: “No, there’s nothing you can do to help here! It's probably genes. I'm tired of fighting him! I tell him twenty times every day, but he…”

Indeed, the methods that parents apply automatically will not help here. But there are “cures” for children's perfectionism. True, they will have to be "given" to the child constantly and "do not interrupt treatment", "do not miss a dose." And it may not be easy for parents, because they will have to go against the theory of raising a child that has been learned firmly and firmly in words, and not in deeds.

Here are some "medicines" to give your child for perfectionism:

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. Unconditional love is the foundation of your relationship with your child. Only she will ensure his emotional growth and the proper development of all the potentialities and talents that God has given him. When a child feels that he is loved not for something, but just like that, he himself will develop the talents given to him by the Lord, and will follow the path that God has shown him.

There is a wonderful description of love in the Bible which we will give here (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). Note that true love "does not exalt itself or pride itself." That is, Scripture calls us to love not for the sake of our own exaltation and pride, but simply to love.

Try to accept and love your baby for who he is.

Take a piece of paper and list its positive qualities. Write as much as you can remember - as many as you can. Close your eyes and imagine your child. Hide this list, reread and supplement regularly.

Unconditional love helps a child accept their unique identity and not try to become someone else.

UNDIFFERENT ATTENTION. In what units do you think love can be measured? Psychologist and psychiatrist Scott Peck believes that love is measured by the time that is devoted to a loved one.
Of course you love your child. But he may not always understand it. It has already become a commonplace that expensive gifts and money are not perceived by the child as an expression of the love of parents. A child littered with toys and loaded with a variety of activities may feel unhappy and unloved.

The best way to show your love is to devote some time only to the child and his interests. And do it regularly.

The child must realize with all his heart that he is dear to you the way he is now. Then he will not have to forever strive for the unattainable in order to deserve your love. He will feel safe and gain confidence in himself. And he will feel your love through the undivided attention that you give him.

Moms (and dads), I'm talking to you now. You are most likely very busy. You have a job, a family, maybe other kids. But it's important to prioritize. What is more important to you - the next promotion or the well-being of the child? As one old parable says, no one has yet regretted at the threshold of death that they spent too little time in their lives in the office - but very many in old age regret that they did not pay enough attention to their children.

Relationships with children take time. If you have a good relationship, everything else will follow.

Give your child a small amount of time each day. You can talk and play with him, read to him and discuss what you read - but this time should be yours and his time, belong only to you two.

Undivided attention is a way to show your child your love, a guarantee of your child's emotional health.

NO VALUE ATTITUDE. Your perfectionist child is very sensitive to how parents and other adults evaluate his behavior, appearance, abilities and personality traits. In the communication of parents with the child, the element of evaluation must be removed. How to do it?

Don't give advice. With advice, you kind of say to your child: “I know how to do it, but you don’t know.” This is a negative assessment of the child.

Don't compare. Avoid comparisons to siblings, other children, yourself or other adults as a child.
Phrases that are absolutely forbidden to use: “But dad at your age was an excellent student”, “Look at Lenochka from the second entrance. Well, what a girl! And the lessons are always done with her, and she helps her mother”, “Take an example from your brother, he never said such words to me.”
Comparing a child, you evaluate him and, as it were, urge him to be not himself, but someone else.

A non-judgmental attitude helps the child stabilize his unstable self-esteem.

TRAINING FOR INDEPENDENCE. First of all,

Do not offer your help where it is not needed.

An example from life. A 7-year-old boy collects a designer on a carpet in a common room. The child is passionate, works with passion. Nearby, dad in an armchair reads a newspaper, sometimes glances at his son, inserts remarks: “You put this blue one in the wrong place ... rearrange it.” Finally, he can’t stand it, he sits next to him on the carpet: “Look, that’s where you have it wrong! You're not doing that, let me show you." Remodels. Naturally, dad does much better, all the details obediently fall into place. Dad: “Look how great it turned out! Let's call mom, show mom! Mom comes from the kitchen and admires: “Well, what skillful men I have!” It would seem an idyllic family scene. But for some reason, after a couple of similar cases, the boy throws his designer into a corner and loses interest in him.

Why is it so? When you start helping a child without his asking, at the moment when he is engrossed in a task or game (even if he doesn’t quite succeed or succeed, in your opinion, poorly), you send him a clear message: “You are not succeeding. You can't do it yourself the right way." That is, you actually evaluate him as inept, unable to cope. This message reinforces both the child's low self-esteem and his perfectionist tendencies. A child can and should be helped, but only when he himself asks for it. It is possible and necessary to engage in common work with a child, but not to interfere in what he is already doing himself.

Do not finish after the child. As already mentioned, a perfectionist child is often slow and endlessly fiddling with any business. Well, how can you hold on and not finish it for him? “Well, I’d better dress you myself”, “How much can you color this picture ... and it’s uneven with you ... give it to me”, “You can’t do it yourself - come here!”. It is difficult to resist - but try to resist and let the child finish the job himself.

Try to arrange your life together so that the child has his own duties, which he performs - at first clumsily, and then more and more skillfully. Let the child be as independent as possible. Help him only where your help is really needed.

Learning to be independent instills in the child self-confidence.

All four of these “medicines” will help you build and strengthen your relationship with your child, help develop a sense of purpose in him, and serve as an “antidote” against unhealthy perfectionism.