Children's jokes to read about cats. Funny jokes about cats and cats

The influence of cats on humans is increasing every year. More comfortable living conditions are created for cats, and some generally consider them family members. Cats have already enslaved our world and will soon begin to adjust it for themselves! However, they are still the funniest and funniest animals. Having a cat in the house means getting a storm of good mood every day. If you don't have a pet, you can read cats jokeswhich also cheer up.

Since the cats have taken over our world, funny cats jokes are published every day on thousands of humorous sites. How can you come up with so many stories about cats? It is not at all necessary to come up with funny cat jokes every time, since many of the jokes took place in reality. Cats are unpredictable animals. You just need to capture his behavior - and voila, information is ready for writing jokes. And if you're lucky, the world will see funny pictures of cats with funny faces.

What jokes can be attributed to the category funny jokes about cats? When is the behavior of a cat described or when cats "communicate" with each other, talking about their adventures?

It seems to me that giving some fantasticality to anecdotes about cats increases the value of the joke many times over. When pets talk to each other in anecdotes about cats, we seem to be on the side of the curtain, behind which it is much more interesting.

What gravity can be in the existence of a cat? If you read funny jokes about cats on our site - you will find one joke with a philosophical connotation. The owner sees a peacefully sleeping cat and says aloud that the cat has a great life, where he only eats and sleeps. To which the cat, in response, thinks that he was castrated, his wife was sterilized, and the children were drowned. Not the best existence.

However, there are anecdotes about cats, where the main rate was made on cat mischief. And there are also a lot of such jokes on our website.

The starring roles remain some of the most requested gags in the cat category. Of course, there are cat demotivators or the same photos that someone likes more. Yes, in the photo cats often have funny faces. But, I still like the anecdotes with cats, because you need to think out the main picture yourself. It already depends on the imagination of the reader. And when the brain presents you with a funny image from an anecdote, there will be more laughter than when viewing a photo of jokes.

They say that cats are not loved only by those who have not yet met their cat, but jokes about cats will appeal to many. The popularity of furry pets is gaining momentum not only in the realities of life, but also in the virtual space. On the Internet there are a lot of jokes and demotivators about these cute and mysterious animals.

Considering how funny and capricious cats can be, it's no surprise that the collection of funny jokes is constantly updated and growing. It is in vain to try to understand what the cat is thinking, its behavior only fuels interest in purring friends, giving rise to new anecdotes.

10 principles of a real cat:

a real cat watches over the health of the owner, helping a person to stay in constant tone, encourages him to constantly move around the house, and bend over so that he can collect pencils, candy wrappers, socks, etc.;
guarding the owner, the cat must promptly inspect the refrigerator, if a person resists and interferes - even more so. This means that a person is hiding something there, to study this something and, if possible, eliminate it - the task of a real cat;
in the evenings, the cat is charged with helping the person make the bed, carefully checking that no foreign objects get into the bed;
even after checking, a real cat is obliged to check repeatedly during the night and make sure that no snake has crawled under the blanket to the person;
the cat must remember - a human dream is just an absurd waste of time, and therefore, at the sight of a sleeping owner, do not forget to perch on his chest, or start to get tangled in his legs in order to wake him up;
if a person stubbornly continues to sleep, a real cat should be ready to drive away terrible dreams; at the sight of the owner tossing and turning in bed, it will be good to jump on his face, lie down on his head, as a rule, the person wakes up, and bad dreams recede;
the cat should know why the cabinet doors are not closed or the drawers of the chest of drawers are pulled out, sniffing the contents, draw the person to answer with a lingering meow;
to amuse the owner, a real cat sings songs, sad songs are also performed;
the cat is supposed to carve out for a person a part of what he is rich in - to put aside a good part of the food from the bowl on the floor and give his fluff and wool to warm the owner's clothes;
and finally, during the day, the cat should sleep for the person. For his relatives. For friends. For colleagues. And for all taken together.

If you are a happy owner of a fluffy pet, and at least half of the above is inherent in it - congratulations, your cat is real!

Funny jokes about cats and humans

Funny jokes about the relationship between people and cats will amuse all owners of mustachioed ones, and will cause a smile for those who have not yet acquired their own four-legged friend:

- I had to buy a cat the other day.
- Why?
- The wife is afraid of mice.
- Where did you get the mice ?!
-So I slowly brought….
- What for?!
- I always wanted to have a cat ...
- What do you think our cat is roaring in the kitchen?
- Did you feed her?
- Not.
- So he is preparing something.

Here are cats - worthy of respect. I moved my Muska to a strange city and "forgot" her at the station, without money, without food. And she returned home. She did not scandalize, did not call names, did not write slander to the police. Not like the mother-in-law….
At that infrequent time, when my cat comes to me and wants to get a little affection, I retreat, hiding behind the sofa, let him know what it is like.
I had a chance to witness a woman talking to a cat stuck in a tree. Her last phrase was simply on the spot:
- If so - do not shout! Svei, damn it, already a nest and go to bed !!!
First of all, the happy new settlers brought a cat into the house, and the cat closed the door, rearranged the lock, which has been living alone for a year, and threatens with an ax through the peephole.
Once an American, a Russian and a German started a dispute over which of them would be able to feed the cat with mustard.
The German caught the animal and stuffed the mustard right into his mouth.
- Violence! - the Russian and the American protested.
The American puts the seasoning between the Doctor's cups, the cat swallows it.
- Cheating! - the Russian and the German were indignant.
The Russian grabs the cat and drips mustard under its tail.
The cat hisses, howls and immediately begins to wash.
- And that's all, - the Russian grinned, - with enthusiasm and song!
Recently, he deftly grabbed a mosquito with his hand, after which the cat chased for an hour, demonstrating prey, and unclenched his fist in front of her nose. In my opinion, respect has appeared in her eyes for the first time ...
Olga Sergeevna chewed Whiskas and ripped off the wallpaper in the corridor, but her husband still called her a hippopotamus, not a kitty ...
Just don’t lie that you didn’t have to bring your beloved cat to the mirror. And then explain to him that it is he in the reflection. Everyone did that.
Isn't it possible to call cat food somehow more modest? Why does my cat eat "Delicate Goose Liver Pate with Pineapple Chunks", and I eat sausage sandwiches?

Cats and kitties know how to cheer you up and make you smile at their antics. Even just looking at funny photos or reading jokes about cats, you can get a charge of fun and positive.

Jokes of cats, if animals could speak ...

In an attempt to comprehend the mysterious nature of cats, what a help would be the ability of cats to speak our language! Alas and ah, communication with little purrs happens without words, which does not interfere with humanizing them in numerous anecdotes. Jokes from cats and other animals cause even more laughter and desire to read them.

The troll and the cat met. Shaggy was surprised:
- Who are you?
- I'm a troll. I play dirty tricks on people. I rub everywhere, I break things, I make a row at night, I interfere with sleep. And who are you?
The cat began to think ...
- Perhaps, and I am a troll ...

A man and a cat are sitting on the porch.
- Eh, - the man sighs, - my spouse yesterday gave birth to triplets ...
- Do not panic, - the cat answers, - you will distribute.

The cat falls into the next world, and appears before the Almighty. He asks:
- I hope that you will be comfortable and cozy here. What do you wish to ask?
- God, - the cat mewed, - all my life I chased like a catechuch, dragged food and hunted mice. I wish I didn’t have to repeat all this here.
“I heard you,” God said and gave the cat a soft bed and plenty of food.
After a while, a dozen mice get to heaven.
- I hope that you will be comfortable and cozy here. Ask what they are dreaming about, - said God who met them.
- God, all our life we \u200b\u200bhave only been engaged in snatching crumbs and escaping from cats. We don't want to run anymore!
- I heard, - God said and presented each skate.
After a couple of days, God comes to the cat:
- Do you like it here?
- And how! - purred the cat, - I am delighted with the bed, the toys, the food here is excellent, and that snack on wheels is the highest class!

A cat with a cat plays blind man's buff:
- If you manage to find and catch - I am yours ... and if not - then I quietly sit behind the curtain!

An old, seasoned cat programmer came out onto the balcony, looked at the cats walking in the yard, and said:
- So a new generation has grown up who did not have a chance to experience all the charm of warm monitors ...

Once upon a time there was a cat, so intelligent and intelligent, except that he did not express himself in a human way. And the hostess lamented every day:
- Kotya, you’re clever, say something! Why aren't you silent?
One day they are sitting at the table, the hostess is all about the same: a cat, he would say at least a word. The cat thought and said:
- Soon the ceiling will collapse!
The hostess is in shock, sits, her eyes are round - and then a piece of plaster falls on her head.
- And what, - the cat sighed gruffly, - then all "cat, talk, yes, cat, talk" .... And when I speak, she doesn't listen.

Cat principle number one: accidentally woke up - eat!
Cat principle number two: sleep lightly!

The cat's reasoning:
- So you all envy and envy us cats, but do you think we live easily? And try, for a start, lick a fur hat for half a day!

An effective method for bathing your cat:
Clean the toilet thoroughly.
Lift the lid and fill in the shampoo.
Find and, while calming the cat, bring it to the toilet.
Briskly place the cat in the toilet, cover it and sit down on top.
The cat will lather up.
Press the drain button several times in a row. This will ensure a thorough rinse.
You will need an assistant to open the toilet door, and you are advised to run as far as possible, opening the toilet lid along the way.
The cleanest cat will jump out of the toilet and dry out in the open air.
If you have any questions, ask and I will answer. Respectfully yours, Dog!

The cat caught the mouse and asks:
- Do you want to live?
Mouse with frightened eyes:
- With whom?
- Ugh, lost ... Already got sick of eating!

Cats are a miracle in themselves, and talking cats are doubly miracles. However, in jokes and jokes about cats, everything is possible, the more exciting it is to read them and get a portion of healthy laughter!

Another funny joke about cats

Why is a cat better than a wife?

The cat is delighted with your return home. At the same time, the later you come, the more you rejoice (this will not work with your wife).
The cat is always content with its fur coat and does not require another, even if the neighbor's cat has it fluffy and prettier.
The cat can always be petted and petted. Conversely, if you are not in the mood, you don't have to. Finally, the cat will not say a word if you want to pet another cat.
The cat is a worthy listener, but does not require it from you. She never loads you with advice, filled, in her opinion, with the wisdom of life and knowledge of the human soul.
You are unfamiliar with her mother and other relatives, you do not need to visit them.
The cat does not sit on the sofa watching TV series, does not discuss you with her girlfriends on the phone. She doesn't need to be taken on vacation, she truly enjoys being at home, and she doesn't blame you for stealing the best years of her life.
You are not interested in where your cat brought kittens from.

Cats of the Internet are winning more and more hearts of fans, sometimes touching only by their appearance, and funny fictional or really happened stories contribute to the growth of popularity. And finally, one more joke for those who like to surf the global network:

The entire Internet chooses and loves cats, because you need to walk with a dog more than once a day - and this is several hours away from the computer….

Smile more often is great and pleasant, and numerous jokes about cats will help you!

Anyone who gets up early ... He meows, scratches, rushes around the apartment, and gets a slipper.

Are you jealous of your cat's carefree life? Try, for a start, licking a fur hat all day.

I don't trust people who don't like cats. But I trust a cat when he doesn't like a person.

It's good that my cat can't talk - he knows too much!

There is a cat. And the fatter it is, the sweeter it is. And there is a man. And it won't work with him.

Humans were created for cats to have someone to live with.

You understand that the cat is fat when you stumble over it and fall!

You can’t kill strangers, and then suddenly they have one cat at home.

You need to take courage and still tell the cat that it is he who lives with me, and not I with him.

It's good to be a cat: stretching - everyone is touched, turned over from one side to the other - everyone is touched, put on 5 kg - everyone is touched again.

I buy sausage, give it to the cat, if it eats, then you can eat! I began to notice that this woolen beast was looking to see if I was eating!

I want to work as a cat - so that I get paid just for being so cool!

I got a cat in my apartment. Now this is his apartment.

A cat at night reclaims a bed, in the daytime he pulls sausage from a sandwich, steals and hides things. I brought up some kind of gopnik.

There is not a single person who, leaving early in the morning for work, would not envy his cat.

It has been proven that the more a cat loves you, the less space it leaves you on the bed.

You love cats, love and tygydyk-tygydyk at 3 o'clock in the morning.

There is a suspicion that my cat is drinking. Left yesterday, came back this morning, vomited on the floor, sipped water and fell asleep.

Forgot to feed the cat yesterday. In the morning I wake up, something rattles in the kitchen ... Probably cooking.

"Your pussy would buy a whiskas!" Fuck you. My pussy would go, buy herself some valerian and get drunk to smithereens!

There are a lot of jokes about cats and cats. They are composed on purpose, they remember true stories from life, where unfortunate cats made fun of their unpredictable and often inadequate reaction, they play up well-known scenes and sayings, in general, wherever there is a humorous moment, you can braid the baleen-tailed ones, and this will only even funnier.

Don't believe me? See for yourself: the most relevant topic for today is about the March cats.

Vaska the cat jumped, sinking up to its belly in snowdrifts, nervously twitched its mustache and shouted in the most disgusting uterine voice somewhere in the sky:
- Where is your vaunted spring? Where is the sun, green grass? Where are the fat mice? Where are the girls, finally? Why else is it snow and cold?
And only people looked at this action through the windows and shook their heads approvingly:
- Well done Vaska, he smells an ambulance in spring, you can't fool the cat!

The anecdote arose on the basis of the plot: a huge ferocious cat went out for its usual walk in the courtyard of a private house and boldly overcame the hated drifts, while still meowing something eloquently. The video got a huge number of views on YouTube, people laughed and came up with an interesting voice acting.

But most often March cats are associated with unbridled love impulses, heart-rending howling under the window all night and bragging.

The cat was asked:
- Tell me, is it true that in March ...
- What do you? Do not narrow the world, March is no exception!
Cats, like women, love with their ears. Otherwise, why do cats yell like that in spring?
The guy complains to his friends:
- How tired of these cat cries under the window! Here are the loving creatures of March ... I have already released a bull terrier on them ...
- And what, ate cats ?!
- Yeah ... You don't need Bull Terrier puppies?
One woman had a cat, which was distinguished by increased lovingness not only in March, which the hostess did not like very much. No matter how she tried to persuade him, urged conscience, threatened - the cat did not care. As a result, the woman took him to the vet, he conjured with a scalpel over the cat and did his dirty deed. As soon as the cat left the anesthesia, he immediately went on a spree, returned skinny, tattered, but happy!
The woman is at a loss:
- You were castrated? Why did you have to go outside?
- So what? To bury such a talent without educating the youth?
In spring, Leopold the cat is inspired and energetic, he expects not only friendship.
Cats in March do not lag behind cats.
Two cats met:
- He promised to marry me!
- When?
- Yes, in early March.
- Oh, listen more, they promise everything in March.
The cat and the cat play hide and seek, he drives. She is playful to him:
“Close your eyes and count to ten, then look. If you find, you will get everything you dream of, and if you don’t find, then remember: I’m in that closet!

Anecdotes from the series about a man and a cat

"Love" between men and cats is widely known, I wonder why they hate each other so? After all, they cannot live without each other either!

There is a selection of anecdotes about a man who wanted to get rid of a cat.

Neighbors chatting:
- I am very worried about my husband. He went to the river to drown the kittens, but still has not returned.
- Maybe the place is looking more comfortable? Or says goodbye ...
- Maybe, of course, he says goodbye, but why did the kittens crawl home an hour ago?
The man was determined to get rid of the cat, so he got it. I took him to the forest, did not have time to get to the house, when the cat meets him in the hallway. What to do for sure? The men at work advised to put the cat in a sack so that he would not see the road, and not just take it to the forest, but to twist and turn constantly to confuse the cat completely. So early in the morning the man drove off: a kilometer to the southwest, ten kilometers to the north, then three hundred meters to the east and a couple of times in a circle. Tired, dizzy, sat down to rest, threw a bag into the bushes. It's time to go home…. Damn, it seems to be in the wrong place, and I didn’t seem to pass this one ... It's already darkening he calls his wife:
- Is this thing at home?
- Yes, I came a long time ago
- Ask him, turn right or left from the big birch?
One family got tired of the cat, they decided to throw it out. But so that the cat does not return home, because everyone knows about this ability of animals, they thought of taking him away and choosing a wiser road. So a man with a cat went to the forest, no hearing or no spirit from him, his wife was already beginning to get nervous. Deep at night, the doorbell rings, both are on the threshold.
The wife snapped:
- Where are you hanging around? Why were you released into the forest? Why did the cat come back with you?
- Yeah, if it weren't for the cat, I would have gotten out of that forest, followed his footsteps home.
The man and the cat are talking in the kitchen. The guy is nervous:
- My three gave birth yesterday, what to do, I don’t know.
The cat soothes:
- Just think, triplets! Give it out in no time and that's it!

One guy was a football player, so his cat never slept on the floor, curled up in a cozy ball.
Male logic: if I woke up at night, then I was awakened; if you woke up in the middle of the night, then the matter is important and urgent, so, cat, I listen to you attentively.
A man's cat shit in his slippers, sits thinking what to throw in the trash: a cat or shoes?
Cats and men have a common character trait: they are suspiciously affectionate when they want to eat or have screwed up somewhere.
- Darling, we need to get a cat.
- What? Stalled?
The man stayed with his friends, sneaks home on tiptoe so as not to wake his wife, did not turn on the light. From drunken eyes he stepped on the cat in the dark, the cat screamed like a cut, his wife jumped up, turned on the light. Until she woke up from sleep and looked at her watch, the man got out:
- Here you are, you brute, where you lie down! Why am I looking for you in the morning? What am I worried about?
The men are sitting, drinking. Talking about their cats:
- My cat's name is Styrofoam: I drown and drown him on a fishing trip, and he still pops up.
- And my nickname is Boomerang: wherever you throw it, it still returns to its place.
- Well, I have a cat Giordano Bruno.
- You're a sadist!
- Do not think what, he just loves to look at the stars through a telescope.
The man's cat was constantly shitting on the carpet in the room, no conversations helped, cursing too. The man remembered a proven method - to poke a cat into fresh affairs with his nose, so that he himself becomes disgusted. Once the cat shit, the man with his nose tyr-tyrk, then throws it out the window, fortunately, the first floor. The second time in the same way, the third ... The cat continues to shit on the carpet. Then the man thought hard what else to do this, sat down in a chair, and fell silent. He sees - the cat entered the room without noticing the owner, settled down on the carpet, did his dirty work, poked his nose into the heap and threw himself out the window with a yell!
The other day I caught my husband: he was rubbing his laptop with my cat!
- Mom, let's buy a kitten?
- No, I'm allergic to animal hair.
- Honey, for a mink coat too?

Household cats: what could be funnier

Today the cat managed to shit so far that he accidentally got into his tray.
A cat is such an intelligent animal that when you shout "Where are you going? !!", it automatically changes the direction vector.
The most nightmare for a cat: the child's uncertain gait, outstretched arms and joyful: "Kiiissyayaya." And behind a wall.
Our cat, too, was at first afraid of the vacuum cleaner ... but then nothing, got involved.
The secret of a perpetual motion machine is simple: a cat plus a package.
How to convince the cat that the apartment is already ours and does not need to be marked?
Two weeks brought up the cat for puddles in the toilet. It turned out to be more prosaic - the pipe was leaking.
There is not a single person who is going to work on a rainy autumn morning and does not envy his cat.
- Can you stroke the cat?
- Of course! Now I only go to the pharmacy for iodine and bandages.
Grandma calls the Emergencies Ministry:
- Hello, my kitty cannot come down from the tree. Come, help to remove it.
- Granny, the cat will go down by itself when she gets tired of sitting there.
- Fiends, what if she can't herself? Starve to death there?
- Granny, do you often see skeletons of cats in the trees?

A little girl on a visit saw the kitten for the first time, while the cat allowed, amused herself with him, played, poked her muzzle into the milk.
Suddenly shouts:
- Dad, the kitten got its muzzle in the milk, wipe it, please.
- Don't worry, his mom will lick it.
The girl impatiently tugs at her mother's skirt:
- Mom, well, mom, the kitten walks around dirty when you lick it?
Husband and wife at the resort recall whether they did everything at home, turned off:
- And you poured Vaska food?
- No, I thought you would.
- We come across some unhappy cats, every vacation, they die.
At work, they argue about the benefits and dangers of keeping hamsters in an apartment. The controversy ended the argument:
- Once I didn't have time to buy a Whiskas for a cat, so the hamsters helped out a lot.
Thoughts of the cat when she settled down to shit behind the sofa on the carpet:
- Yes, you can't, of course, but there are extenuating circumstances: no one sees - this is one, it's dark around - that's two, well, I'll bury it securely - three!
- An ambulance? Come quickly, our son has swallowed a live mouse!
- Let's go, but for now open your son's mouth wider and hold the cheese, suddenly the mouse will jump out for the cheese?
The ambulance team arrived, a picture: a son, his mouth open, a sprat is held in front of his nose.
Doctor nervously:
- I asked for cheese, not sprat, mice love cheese.
- Yes, but now we're luring the cat out.

Cats and food: funny stories

The most famous anecdote about a cat and buckwheat (pasta, potatoes and the like, which cats "love").

The man decided to save a little, he thinks, why not eat buckwheat for several days: is it useful, cheap? But the cat did not immediately understand the course of his thoughts.
The first day proudly at my bowl of buckwheat:
- Fuuu, what disgusting, no way!
The second day at the bowl of buckwheat is sad:
- Again buckwheat, no variety.
On the third day, by the same bowl with the same buckwheat, but with hope:
- Is buckwheat useful?
On the fourth day, the cat flies into the kitchen, slows down at the bowl and happily:
- Oh, they give buckwheat, hurray !!

Or in short:

-Fuu, buckwheat ...
- Buckwheat again?
- Oh, buckwheat!
Vaska was a strange cat: he respected herring under a fur coat, meat behind the sofa, sausage under the table, cutlets under the covers ... In general, he was very shy in food.
How cultural traditions are formed based on cinema: many people still eat a sandwich with the sausage down only because in the cartoon one cat said that it tastes better.
The cat is a very sociable creature, He will never reproach that you eat at night. He will just eat with you for the company!
The Jews bought a kilogram of meat and hid it in the closet. In the morning we pushed in - no meat. They began to think where it could disappear, suspicion fell on the cat - she ate it! They caught a cat, put it on the scales - just one kilogram of weight.
Here grandfather says:
- Well, we found the meat, but where did the cat go?

The cat comes to the bar and says:
- A glass of beer and salted nuts, please, I got a job nearby, I will drop by.
The bartender is perplexed, but gives everything. The cat sat down at the bar, sips a beer. The bartender could not resist, how so, a talking cat with a beer? He calls the director of the circus, tells about what happened. The director drives up to see such a miracle, rejoices, comes up with a number on the go and begins to seduce the cat:
- Do you want to earn a thousand dollars?
- I want, but what should I do?
- Yes, I am the director of the circus, I wanted you to join us ...
- Well, actually, you can go to the circus, but I don't understand. Why do you need programmers?

The quintessence of humor about cats

Remember, as before: "somehow a Russian, a German and a French met ..." and the story went for half an hour, where the beginning is already forgotten by the end? Now all jokes should be short and very funny, memes are gaining particular popularity - a funny picture or photo where a well-known situation is played out, and the acting characters are replaced by popular personalities - this is the whole point, or they fantasize about naughty cats on the topic of photography.

Memes about cats are funny to tears, it is very unexpected to see the faces of animals in a certain situation.

Anecdotes on a sore subject in cats

In a veterinary clinic, after a cat neutering operation, a nurse writes out documents and fills out a card:
- Name of the cat, age?
- Fidel, now Castro, two years old.
I am sure that there is an invisible but strong bond between the owner and his pet. One day a cat hurt his paw, and for some reason my leg hurt for some reason, or else it was ... Stop! Bliiiinn, I signed up the cat for castration tomorrow !!!
A beautiful and slender girl rides a bus and holds a kitten on her lap, gently stroking it.
The man nearby could not resist and playfully hints:
- I would like to be in the place of your kitten!
The girl pulls him back:
- Well, it's unlikely: I'm taking him to the veterinary clinic to be castrated.
An old maid is sitting in her kitchen, drinking liquid tea and going over her dreary life in her mind: how could she change it? Now, if suddenly next to her there was such an intelligent and understanding man with similar life habits, who should not be ashamed, who will always understand and faithfully be there, who will be happy when she returns home from work, who will warm a lonely bed, who will flatter in the morning and say all sorts of affectionate words ... Her eyes fell on the cat. Here! Here he is, the man of my dreams! Now, if for my righteous life, for an impeccable reputation, higher powers would reward me and the cat would turn into a man ...
The cat looked at her with some deep thought, even a little vengeful:
- Fool, forgot how she took me to these executors to castrate? I told you not to!

In jokes, the theme of cats and cats is inexhaustible, life itself constantly throws up fresh ideas, so these animals are original and amazing.

The best compilation of funny videos with cats

Cats are favorite pets for many of us. These animals are able to bring harmony to the house, to settle in it comfort and special energy. It is not for nothing that it is generally accepted that they are able to heal their owners from various ailments.

Jokes about cats and dogs can be not only kind, but sarcastically evil in a good way. Funny jokes about cats are like demotivators or just pictures with these funny animals, they not only cheer up, but also make you read jokes about dogs, about which there are no less jokes.

The cat, who fell asleep in the washing machine, woke up only on the fifth lap, but already on the sixth lap became the leader, overtaking socks and jeans.

Hello. I want to return the robot vacuum cleaner I bought from you a week ago. The agreement allows it?
- Yes, just tell me what you didn't like, we will inform the manufacturer.
- Everything is in order, I just no longer need a vacuum cleaner. After sucking the cat three times, Barsik learned to use a brush, rag, scoop, and report a full bin. Now I have already had perfect cleanliness even in the most inaccessible places for a week.

Rosa Moiseyevna ... Take your cat ... He again depicted a hungry swoon at the fish department.

Morning. Wife:
- Where are you, my hairy asshole?
- Expensive. I'm in the bathroom!
- I'm actually looking for a cat.

Previously, people were photographed not as an avatar, but as a keepsake. And people didn't photograph cats. And if the cat got into the frame, then he received a trendy, not likes.

The doorbell rings for an old Jew. On the threshold - a neighbor.
- Solomon Lazarevich! Are you a furrier?
- Yes!
- So sew up your cat's ass so that she does not shit under my door!

The neuropathologist asks the four-year-old Vovochka questions:
- How many paws does a pussy have?
- Four.
- How many ears does the pussy have?
- Two.
- How many eyes does the pussy have?
- Two.
- How many ponytails does the pussy have?
- Mom, has this fool never seen cats?

Grandmother gave her granddaughter a doctor's kit. The cats hid at once. Grandpa didn't have time.

He: Hello kitty! She: Ugh! I do not like cats! I'm allergic to them! He: Whom do you love? She: Dogs! He: Hello then, bitch!

Isn't it possible to call cat food somehow more modest? Why does my cat eat "rabbit stew in a creamy sauce", and I eat pasta and sausage?

Dad yelled at Mom. Mom yelled at her son. The son yelled at the cat. The cat silently gave a shit to all three in sneakers!

There are indeed many similarities between women and cats. What you give them, they don't want, and what they want, they don't say.

Today I heard my neighbor persuading her cat to get off the tree for a long time. Her last phrase killed everyone:
- Well then, damn it, don't shout! Make a nest and go to bed !!!

Cats and men are very similar. If they suddenly become affectionate, then they either need something from you, or they have already shit somewhere.

Was that your rat running around here?
- This is not a rat, but a dwarf dachshund!
- The cat ate it - it means a rat.

The main difference between animals and humans is that animals do not keep humans at home. Although cats may not agree with this statement.

Your life was wasted if you never meow back at the cat.

First my wife ran away, then the dog and the cats ... Now I see how difficult it is for the fish to push the aquarium to the door.

A man and a cat are sitting.
- Eh, - says the man, - my wife gave birth to triplets yesterday.
- Do not worry, - the cat replies, - hand it out.

The best friend is a cat. He will never reproach you for eating at night. He will eat with you.

Look, look how he grew up! Have you ever seen something as big?
- Bl @, Petrovich! Get away from the cat!

- Mouse!
- What are you, it's a cat!
- Well, then BLOCH FOOD.

If a man claims that he is in charge of the house, then he is not married.
- Not just not married, but he doesn't even have a cat.

It smells like a cat, thought Stirlitz.
- Why is he sniffing my paw?
- thought the cat.

Cocktail "Loneliness": 1. Drink vodka. 2. Sniff the cat.

First child - everything was boiled and sterilized. Second child - sometimes washed and made sure that the child does not eat from the cat's bowl. Third child - if he ate cat food, then these are the problems of the cat ...

I bought a special food for the cat so that he would not get fat. The food really works, the cat does not eat it, and thus does not get fat.

He did four things at the same time: he opened a mineral water, washed his face, washed the floor, brought the cat to a heart attack.

A sister came to visit with two children 2 and 5 years old. The cat pretended to be dead right away!

If your cat smiles mysteriously in the morning, it is better not to wear slippers.

If all women without a man screamed the same way cats scream when they want a cat ... Everything would be much easier ..!

Sleep, three in the morning ... The phone rings. Angry, I accept the challenge. Dotsya in a whisper:
- Daddy, hunt to drink, bring water. And then my cat is sleeping at my feet, I don't want to wake him up.

To show who is the boss, Ivan poked the cat with his nose at the documents for the apartment for three hours.

All my life I thought that I can choose the most original names for my pets. But then I found out that the neighbor's cat was called the Texas Red Line Chainsaw.

Panicking from the impending crisis, my grandmother ran to the store and spent her entire pension on groceries. Grandpa bought a new TV. Mom bought a freezer and stuffed it with meat. Dad brought seven cans of gasoline. And only a contented cat with a grin watched how the whole family took care of his future.

Today they turned off the Internet for the whole day. Do you know what I noticed? Cats don't blink.

Childhood is when the cat is older than you.

In the look of a woman who supposedly admits her mistake, there is no more real remorse than in a cat who pissed into her shoes.

The gnome cat meets. Asks:
- Who are you?
- I am a gnome. Dirty people. I smudge everywhere, ruin things, yell at night, I do not give sleep. And who are you? The cat was thinking ...
“Then I’m a dwarf too.

I got a cat here. Help me come up with some computer name ...
- Mouse!
- What are you, it's a cat!
- Well, then BLOCH FOOD.

Call at 2 am to the vet:
- Hello, veterinarian?
- Yes! Do you have anything urgent?
- Of course! Here on the roof the cat makes love to the cat and meows terribly - it's impossible to sleep!
- Invite the cat to the phone!
- Do you think he will stop making love?
- Well, I stopped!

What you need to do to become famous: 1965: work hard, overfulfill the norm, win the socialist competition, become an excellent scientist, writer, engineer, bring orders and medals from the war ... 2015: put your cat or your wife on YouTube.

In the house where the cat lives, wool is a seasoning.

We are going to take a cat for a cat, for mating. The son asks:
- Mom, will he stay with us forever?
- No, he will live a little and we will give him.
- Will it be the father of Kaskin's kittens?
- Yes.
- And we will give it back?
- Yes.
- Why didn't we give Dad back then?

I bought a dietary food for weight loss yesterday for a cat, so she does not eat it, an infection. Maybe this is how it works?

Why is a person looking at a sleeping cat touched, and a cat looking at a sleeping person thinks: "Oh, trampoline!"

Have you ever wondered why the names of almost all domestic animals - goat, ram, sheep, chicken, cow, goose, rooster - are curses, and only CAT is a cute nickname.

Every self-respecting person who has a cat at home must at least once in his life bring it to the mirror and say: "Look, it's you!"

The cat has pain, the dog has pain, Mashenka has no pain ...
- Doctor, are you definitely an anesthesiologist?

Hello pussy!
- Fu! I hate cats! I'm allergic to them.
- Do you like dogs?
- I love.
- Hello, bitch! ..

I buy sausage, give it to the cat, if it eats, then you can eat! I began to notice ... this woolen beast is looking to see if I eat!

Which animal do you think is smarter - a cat or a dog?
- Of course, the cat. Tell me, have you ever seen cats pulling sleds across the tundra?

Why are you shuffling all the time?
- Habit -?
- It's because of my cat ...
- And?
- You go at night, it's dark ... better to kick than to step.

A friend comes to a friend's dacha - they sit down to dine:
- Is your plate clean or washed?
- Of course, clean. After eating a little, he asks:
- What's the difference?
- I wash myself, and clean - the cat licked it.

A man comes to the doctor:
- Doctor, my elbow hurts.
- Carry a urine test.
- No, you, doctor, did not understand. My elbow hurts.
- What are you, patient, deaf by nature? Bring a urine test, I said, I won't accept it without analysis. The man got angry, collected the urine of his wife, mother-in-law, cat in one jar at home, and finally pissed there himself. Brings. The doctor looked, sniffed ...
- Well - everything is clear! Your wife has gonorrhea, your mother-in-law has syphilis, your cat has ringworm, and your elbow hurts, because when you masturbate in the toilet, you knock it on the wall all the time.

I'm terribly worried about my husband, ”the woman says to her neighbor.
- I went to the river to drown the cat ...
- So what?
- The cat has already returned home an hour ago ...

Thoughts of the cat:
- And why do they buy toilet paper, they also have a language. It would be better if they bought "Whiskas".

I'm on a diet. The husband feeds the cat, I hear, says to him:
- You f * ck either eat or hide the bowl, mother is on a diet, and at night I am not responsible for her ...

Georgian fleas, hearing the lezginka, trampled the cat to death.

If a black cat crossed your path, then a black Bug, a black granddaughter, a black grandmother and finally a black mouse, then this means that the grandfather dug not a turnip, but a high-voltage cable.

A cat is a creature that saves you from depression, while you bring him to depression.

Night. Hours 2 nights. I wake up from the wild scream of a cat. It turned out that this dunce climbed into the duvet cover and got lost there. I had to save.

There is a suspicion that black cats are sure that all people are idiots.

One lady had a cat, well, such a smart cat, I just did not speak. So she was upset every day:
- Kitty, well, you are so smart, well, say something! Well, when are you going to speak? Once they sit opposite each other at the table, the hostess starts the same song: they say, a cat, would say something. And the cat opens its mouth and gives out:
- Now from the ceiling a piece of plaster will collapse! The hostess was stunned, sitting, bulging her eyes - and then she was thrown over the head with the same piece of plaster from the ceiling.
- Well, - grumbled the cat, - then all "kitty, speak, yes, kitty, speak ...", and when I speak, she does not listen.

Why, when there is a knock on the door, my cat is always sure that it is for him?

Today I tried to teach the cat to speak, but he looks like an idiot.
- Are you sure he is?

An American, a German and a Russian argue over who can teach a cat to eat mustard. The German catches the cat and pushes mustard into its mouth.
- This is violence!
- an American and a Russian are protesting. The American puts the mustard between two pieces of sausage and the cat eats everything.
- This is a lie!
- the German and the Russian are protesting. The Russian grabs the cat and smears mustard under its tail. The cat begins to lick the mustard with a howl.
- It's always like this with us: voluntarily and with a song!

When Semyon Markovich wanted to go to the kitchen in slippers, he realized that his cat Vasily had already worn them.

Son, it seems we have a problem ...
- What?
- Your damn cat pissed all over the carpet in the hallway!
- Oh, God, I really thought that the dead whore under my bed had already started to stink. Okay, I'm behind the rag

“Mamma mia, italiano pisuaro !!!” the cat shouted when he saw the new Italian shoes.

The cat poured coffee. The husband saw and wiped a puddle. A cat. After that, he washed the cat. Question: how many times has a cat regretted what she did?

Loving a cat is not about millions of photos and collecting likes. To love a cat is, when this cattle is sick, to buy medicinal food for her, and not drink for himself.

You're wrong, Uncle Fyodor, eat a sandwich. You hold it with the sausage up, but you had to check its expiration date! You are not even surprised that the cat is talking to you!

If a cat is friends with a dog, this is either the merit of the trainer, or a conspiracy against him.

I want to work as a cat - so that I get paid just for being so cool!

The cat was weaned from shit in the middle of the room, poking its muzzle into her shit. Now the cat shits in the middle of the room, pokes its face and leaves.

I stand on the balcony at night. I smoke ... Suddenly I hear from below:
- Meow meow. I think let me answer:
- Meow meow. In response:
- Meow meow I again:
- Meow meow. And then the man says:
- Well good ... I'm looking for a cat !!!

A father reads a bedtime story to his son:
- Bears rode, on a bicycle, and behind them a cat - backwards, and behind him mosquitoes, on a balloon.
- Dad, tell me honestly, why do you smoke?

We showed each other photos of our cats. This is already a serious relationship!

They taught the cat not to shit in the house - when it shit, they poked its nose.
- Now the cat screams, pokes its nose and leaves.

Just the first time I caught a fly with my hand, after which the cat had been chasing for half an hour, and threw it under her nose. Judging by the look, she started to respect me for the first time.

My cat thinks that I live with her. And sometimes in her eyes I catch a hint that it's time for me to live separately.

Honey, let's get a kitten!
- No, you know I'm allergic to animal fur.
- Strangely, there is an allergy to a cat, but not to a mink coat? ..

Kitty, where are you ???
- I'm in the kitchen, honey!
- Shut up asshole! I'm looking for a cat!

Hello, is this a mental hospital?
- Yes.
- Here the cat proves the Pythagorean theorem to my husband in Latin.
- I see, give us the address.
- Write down: Sadovaya 15, apartment 13. You just take your time, otherwise I want to hear the rest.

Cats and humans are very similar. If they suddenly become very good, it means that they either need something from you, or they have already shit somewhere.

When I really want to go to the toilet, I run very fast, but the cat runs faster than me, so that as soon as the lid is opened, look into the toilet. I have no idea why he is doing this, he is probably checking so that nothing snatches my ass, he is probably worried.

What breed of dog do you like best?
- The one that is cats.

What is your cat's name?
- When the wife is not at home - H * limyau, and so - Barsik.

By the way, there is an opinion that man did not descend from a monkey, but was brought to the planet, this is explained by the fact that man has many diseases that are caused by the earth's atmosphere, including the spine, which cannot withstand the load.
- Correctly. The locals are cats. And for the fact that we occupied their planet, they obliged us to feed them, take care of them and upload their pictures to VKontakte.

Call the doctor:
- Come soon, our Little Johnny swallowed a live mouse!
- Okay, just while I'm driving you open his mouth wider and beckon with a piece of cheese, maybe she will come out herself. The doctor arrives and sees how Vovochka is shaking a sprat in front of his face.
- What are you doing, I said - you need cheese!
- Yes, doctor, but we are already luring the cat.

Humans were created for cats to have someone to live with.

The cat lays down on the sofa only across. I will buy a round sofa and let this infection have a nervous breakdown.

Expensive! I'm back from work!
- Hi dear!
- Honey, why do we have a bald cat ?!
- Oh, you know, yesterday I asked my friends what gift to give you on February 23rd, they advised me to shave my pussy. Happy holiday, my defender!

Don't look for a black cat in a dark room. Enter there with a bubble of valerian - and she herself will find you!

The wife shows her husband a gift she bought for her nephew's decade. The husband examined the gift and said:
- Listen, let's give him something else, some Pokémon, and we'll keep this.
- Why do we need a bow with a laser pointer, a target and arrows with suction cups?
- What are you? This is brilliant! You can use a pointer to lure the cat out from under the bed and immediately shoot at him! ..

And our neighbors' grandfather planted hemp. The hemp has grown big - great. Grandfather called grandma, granddaughter, bug, cat, mouse - pull - pull! Well, in general, they lived merrily.

Have you heard the blackbirds sing? How do dogs bark? Cats shouting? Lovely ground floor apartment near the bird market just for you!

For a long time I didn’t believe my husband that the cat had scratched his back ... until the dog sucked me on my neck!

The wife squeezes the cat in her hands and says:
- Wow, my shaggy little .. all day you just eat, but you sleep .. in the morning you don’t wash your eyes, piglet ... you go to the toilet, it stinks all over the house ... Brother from the next room:
- Mash, are you for a cat or a husband?

Two women are talking.

- But why?

A young husband is taking his wife to the hospital. The wife says:

- Why?
- A black cat crossed the road for us. I took my wife and comes home. Says to parents:
- We probably will negritonok.
- Why?
- The wife says that a black cat crossed the road to us. The father asks his wife:
- Listen, when I took you to the hospital, did the donkey accidentally cross the road for us?

The cat is lying in the yard. The hostess walks by and says:
- I ate, took a walk, slept - I would have such a life! The cat thinks:
- She drowned my children, sterilized my wife, castrated me ... You would have such a life ...

And what is your cat walking on the ceiling?
- Yes, the neighbors above have a very powerful vacuum cleaner ...

It is annoying when you meow to a cat, but she does not meow in response. So rude of her.

Cats live by the principle: "tired of eating sleep." And during the day they put a comma in different places.

I forgot to feed the cat ... Sha is rattling with something in the kitchen ... Probably cooking ...

The grandmother who feeds the dogs near the entrance chases the grandmother who feeds the cats.

Childhood is when you watch "Tom and Jerry" and are happy for the mouse, you are surprised at its wit. Maturity is when you realize that Jerry is a hell of a lot, and you really feel sorry for the cat.

Every time I vacuum my apartment, I wonder how my wife and cat are not bald yet ???

Plans for the evening: 1. Drive the cat away, because it interferes. 2. To worry that the cat is offended.

Plans for the week: 1. Buy a cat 2. Call him "Fat" 3. Break the psyche of people by shouting "Fat, come here!"

Cats are the first gamers. They figured out how to play with the mouse before us.

What a strange picture you have. It's called Puss in Boots. I see my boots, but where is the cat?
- In Boots!

If you can't sleep, count the hairs on your head. If you are bald, count your cat's hair. If there is no cat, consider that you live in vain in this world.

Children, who brought the rat to school ?!
- And this is not a rat, this is an Australian dachshund!
- Yes, I do not care - the cat ate, it means a rat!

Ale, doctor? Come soon! Our Little Johnny swallowed a live mouse!
- I'm going now. While his throat is wide open and hold a piece of cheese. Maybe she will come out herself. The doctor arrives and sees that they are shaking a sprat in front of Vovochkin's throat.
- What are you doing? What did I tell you? Cheese must be kept.
- Yes, we are now luring the cat ...

What does a dog think of a person:
- He feeds me, looks after me, walks me - probably he is a god ... What does the cat think about it:
- He feeds me, looks after me, probably I'm a god ...

An intimate setting. The guy says to the girl:
- Just don't scratch your back!
- Why?
- And what will I tell my cat later?

A cat lived in a hairdresser. All visitors assumed that the cat was a scientist, because he constantly walked around the chair with the client. And he was just waiting for the ear.

Evening tea time is the time when each cat reigns in his own house, and when loneliness reigns in the house where there is no cat.

Sysadmin:
- Well, let them say that using the name of your cat as a password is bad form! RrgTt_fx32! b, kitty-kitty-kitty ...

Why are you divorcing yours?
- He turned out to be cattle!
- With a cat? Zoophile?

The older the child is in the house, the more skillfully the cat hides ...

Headquarters of the Ku Klux Klan.
- How to join your organization?
- It's very simple. We need to soak 5 blacks and 1 cat.
- And what about the cat?
- Congratulations, you're accepted!

The son comes up to his dad, who is reading the newspaper.
- Dad, if a cat stuck its head under the fence, will it crawl through entirely?
- Of course!
- And the dog?
- Must...
- And if the dachshund?
- It should, but for a long time ...
- And the man?
- Lord! .. Where is your grandmother stuck again ?!

The husband solves a crossword puzzle and asks his wife:
- Darling, what is the name of a nine-letter bird that no longer exists?
- Our ka-na-rei-ka!
- Why?
- While you were solving your stupid crossword puzzle, she was eaten by a neighbor's cat!

Two women are talking.
- You know how tired we are of our cat! What we just didn’t do to get rid of it:
- They drove out, left in another city, drowned - he came back anyway. And today my husband (he is a pilot) took the cat with him on the plane to drop it from a height of 3000 meters. You know, I am very worried about my husband!
- But why?
- But it's been six hours - the cat has been home for a long time, but still no husband!

There are two cats: one fat, the other skinny - skin and bones. Skinny asks:
- Where are you so fattened? After all, your master is as much an alcoholic as mine - both drink everything!
- So after that yours have green devils, and mine - pink mice!

If the black cat crossed your path twice, did it cancel the trouble or double it? If the cat is vector, then canceled, if it is scalar, then doubled.

Husband:
- Where are you, my little kitty, eh? Well, where are you? Wife from the kitchen:
- I'm here my dear! The husband responded:
- Shut up fool! I'm looking for a cat.

Imagine the whole world in reverse.
- How's that ?!
- Well, for example, people breathe carbon dioxide, and breathe out oxygen, elephants fly, cats swim, sleep during the day, and plow at night.
- Aha! And on the fence with a dick written "Mel".

I accidentally locked the cat on the balcony and forgot, now I'm afraid to open it.

My grandmother had a cat. The cat is good for everyone. But as soon as spring comes, the cat disappears for three weeks. All shabby, tattered, emaciated, bruised returns. The grandmother endured a year, two, three, and finally took him to the vet. Spring has come, the cat is gone again. Three weeks later, he comes back all tattered. Grandma asks him:
- Well, now why do you need it?
- How is that why ?! I worked as a Methodist cat.

Spring is the time of year when you can say whatever you want about cats. They don't care about that anyway.

It's already the fifth year since our wedding. My wife still thinks that this cat is dragging my dirty socks under the sofa ...

Why do cats yell so loudly in spring?
- Because cats love with their ears.

A drunken man picked up the cat and comes home. The wife opens. The guy says:
“And this is a jungle monkey.
- Well, what a monkey it is, - the wife says with a smile, - it is a cat.
- I'm talking to the cat.

The cat Matroskin sits at the table drinking yogurt, jelly, turned on the radio and listens. The radio broadcasts: "An American Boeing-747 crashed over Prostokvashino."
- Oh, this Sharik, what a hunter!

In general, the best man in a girl's life is a cat. Affectionate, gentle, soft, loving, moderately arrogant and self-righteous, and if you * happen a lot, he can be released *.

A friend at work told me. Their cat ate something indecent on the street, and vomited on the carpet in the living room. And this friend of cats in general, and this, in particular, cannot stand, but his wife adores them. For this reason, seeing this outrage on the carpet, the friend called his wife from the kitchen, showed her and announced:
- Your cat, you and clean! And he went to the kitchen to watch TV. And here he sits, drinking beer in the kitchen. A six-year-old son comes in and drags a guilty cat with him. He sat him down in front of dad and says to the cat:
- Remember, Barsik! In this apartment only people have the right to puke !!!

When there are little kids in the house, cats go without a mustache much more often than dad.

Cats are among the most common pets. People are just crazy about them! Wherever a cat appears, it will adapt everywhere. This section of anecdotes is dedicated to cats as pets, human favorites and independent characters who do not need human care. Together with us, you can dream up about the life of cats and funny situations in which they can find themselves.

What jokes can be classified as funny jokes about cats? When is the behavior of a cat described or when cats "communicate" with each other, talking about their adventures? It seems to me that giving some fantasticality to anecdotes about cats increases the value of the joke many times over. When pets talk to each other in jokes about cats, we seem to be on the side of the curtain, behind which it is much more interesting.

Funny anecdotes and stories about cats, cats, kittens and their owners. Do you know other anecdotes?