Loneliness is the meaning of life for most of us. Why are good people often alone

After all, it is so difficult to return home to an empty apartment. To avoid all these negative feelings, you need to find out the main reasons why most people are lonely.

1. Self-hatred

2. A high degree of selfishness and conflict

A person can be very active and energetic, but at the same time, if he is selfish, he will most likely remain alone (if he does not learn to respect people). Nobody likes selfish people who do not respect others, even relatives and friends. In general, negative people also tend to remain lonely.

3. Excessive modesty

Conservatism, shyness, perception of intimate relationships as something very dangerous and shameful will just annoy and scare many people.

I am not saying that it’s good to sleep with everyone you meet. But to be afraid of intimacy, especially if you are mature enough, denying the sexual component of love is a sure way to loneliness.

4. Negative attitude towards the family

If a person has no example of a happy family, he quickly becomes disillusioned with love and the family as a whole. Such an opinion can also be formed under the influence of parents. But, the main thing that you should remember is that all people are not the same and their relationship is not the same.

Another reason here may be a negative experience, that is, if a person is divorced, then a negative attitude towards the family may develop and no longer get married. I personally know many such examples.

5. Fear of difficulties and responsibility

This is also a form of egoism. A person believes that relationships are a burden, extra chores and worries. Men or women think: “Why should I take responsibility for other people if I have a lot of my problems.” Such an attitude leads only to loneliness and will not make your life easier.

6. Perfectionism

Almost everyone has an idea of \u200b\u200ban ideal partner. This is one of the stereotypes that interferes with building relationships. Firstly, it’s a broken adequate perception of people. Secondly, this is the risk of finding a “bad” partner. As a result, it makes a person remain lonely.

7. Low self-esteem

A person with low self-esteem deprives himself of all the beauty in this world and things that can happen in their life. First, they deprive themselves of happiness and personal life.

8. Intelligence

Or in other words - too high self-esteem. A very intelligent person is looking for someone who will meet their high standards and it is sometimes so difficult to find such a person.

9. Past love relationships

Sometimes previous relationships are broken in such a way that a person cannot forget his beloved person and cannot build new relationships. Very often, such people remain lonely until they change their attitude.

10. Lack of initiative

And last, but not least, is the lack of initiative. It is so simple, but very often it is the main reason why people remain single for the rest of their lives. The only thing you have to do is believe in yourself and act. Your love will not come on its own.

Loneliness is not a sentence, I assure you. Consider a lack of relationship as an opportunity for yours. Before you look for someone, understand yourself. Do not be afraid to go to the psychologist, they will help you with this.

There is one of the few things that almost all people of our era agree with: marriage \u003d good, loneliness \u003d very bad. In the end, it seems “obvious” to everyone that married and married people clearly look happier. Yes, and polls seem to confirm this.

But this is not so. It turns out that single people live a richer social life, and faster undergo the process of psychological development than married and married people. At least, such data were presented at the annual meeting of the American Psychological Association (APA), which took place this week.

“People who have not yet managed to find a mate live much better than we used to think. In a sense, their lives are even happier and richer than those of family people, ”confirms Bella De Paulo, a scientist at the University of California at Santa Barbara. - Stereotypes say exactly the opposite. But research shows that we are all wrong. ”

“Living alone is actually bringing a lot of personal benefits. If you live alone, you grow faster as a person and develop better - in every sense. There is a stereotype that loneliness is definitely bad, but it does not withstand any criticism of psychologists and sociologists. ”

De Paulo conducted a very, very large-scale review of recent publications in scientific journals on how marriage and a bachelor life affect such things as the level of happiness and personal growth. She found 20,000 studies related to marriage. All were published after 2000. However, she managed to find only 500 studies on how lonely people live.

Here are the conclusions she made:

1. One study showed that people who married in the first five years almost stopped in personal development. Married people become more self-confident, but less capable of critical thinking.
2. Contrary to stereotypes, when people marry, they become more withdrawn and isolated from society. This is logical: how many of you have lost friends after they got married? Surely there are plenty of such people, as research has said: bachelor life strengthens social ties.
3. The stereotype says that bachelors are greedy egoists who live only for their own sake. But the data show that, on the contrary, they more often help relatives and other people than married ones. Do you think they are kinder? Or is it just harder for them to find the excuse?

De Paulo emphasizes: all this does not mean that if you are single, then you should not look for a mate.

This means that family life is not necessarily better than a bachelor: it all depends on how suitable partner you find. Unfortunately, many people, out of fear of loneliness, get married and get married even before they find a truly loved and needed person.

So the next time your married friend smirks: “Still bachelor?”, And grieves a compassionate mine, you can tell him that science is on your side. This is a pure truth.

Or do you disagree? What do you think? Let's discuss in the comments!

There are many problems in the life of each of us. They come to us from the outside. At least we think so. We cannot seriously believe that we create problems for ourselves. Even in a nightmare, we do not want to see that we create them with our behavior. This is not serious. Usually, our problems are events that we are aware of as such. What is the meaning of our life then? Is it really only in resolving these problems?

I believe that one cannot seriously consider that the meaning of our existence stems from the ability to move vertically and cook our own food on fire. Even less sense is to be in demand as a specialist. I note, demanded by someone.

Thinking about the meaning of our existence, we will certainly come across the fact that our life is strictly regulated by environmental conditions. Having understood this, we make a choice. We choose the conditions in which we want to live. We are changing consciousness, adjusting it to new conditions. We are improving the conditions so that they correspond to our consciousness, our vision of them. We can change the conditions or adapt to them equally well. Only in this way, changing awareness and changing our environment through ourselves, can we change our life. We are changing the chain of events that will occur in our lives.

Each person is individual. Everyone has what others do not. We use our individual capabilities in order to change our lives. It has become a mass habit.

The paradox is that in choosing a goal we rarely rely on our personality. We are changing our lives by looking at others. We choose the same goals. We choose one means of achieving them. We repeat the mistakes of others. Among people, for some reason, it is generally accepted that it has always been this way, and it always will be.

Few people think about the origins of what is happening. It’s rare that anyone thinks about the reasons for a change in life. What for? Thousands of lives pass before my eyes. So what? Many live as if they are moving with the flow, and nothing - they are satisfied. People dissatisfied with life jerk from side to side, flicker, but live no better. So why, then, do something if only one event happens with one hundred percent probability - leaving life. Twitch, do not twitch - you won’t pass it.

Someone reasonably asks: “Indeed, why ... why change the usual, established lifestyle? Why create problems where they do not exist yet? ”Probably, this person will be a thousand times right. At least he will be right in relation to himself and to his own life.

The question is different: what should a person do if this “habitual” and “adjusted” lifestyle does not suit him? Lifestyle does not suit, but you yourself do not want to change. What to do then? Or is it better not to do anything?

Of course, you can always find worthy people whom you can trust your life. Let them decide for us. Some will give advice, while others, you see, will do something for you. Of course, you can do so. True, in this case, one unpleasant nuance will necessarily appear. No matter how worthy these people may be, they will not be able to move away from their ideas. They will equip our life as they see it themselves.

You can rely on their decency. You can believe that they will do everything in their power. The situation from this will not fundamentally change. They will do only what they can do. They will only do as they are able to do. It does not matter at all who these worthy people are - parents, statesmen or people close in interests - the principle remains the principle. They will necessarily start from their ideas. They will push off from their vision of what is happening. As a result, the main factor determining the final result will be their level of development.

Even if the "decent people" surrounding us immediately respond to our call, we will have to wait. We will wait until they have the opportunity to provide us with effective assistance. Potential helpers have their own lives. Their life is also full of problems. And these problems are different from our problems. We will have to wait for the result that these people can provide us. In anticipation of life "as it should be," we will vegetate in life "as we can." The work of a man who gave his life into the wrong hands is the work of a "subject to man." It is always small: born, live, adapt to the conditions that other people give you for life.

You can, of course, agree with such a life position. Practice shows that we can agree with anything. Of course, it is possible to agree ... if it was our life. Perhaps such behavior would even be correct if our life depended only on those people to whom we voluntarily gave power over it. True, in this case, there will be a lot of such people. Power is a loose concept.

What then remains? Give your life to everyone or to anyone? What is the reason? It will be nothing but the most “indifferent” attitude to one’s own life. This attitude is acceptable for a child or an undeveloped young man. But ... it is not suitable for an adult independent person, and in fact we consider ourselves that way from adolescence. This attitude of an adult to himself is not to his face. Yes, and reality confirms the incorrectness of such behavior.

Outside of independence, outside of one's own individuality, an adult does not exist. There is a person, as it were, but no adult person per se. Yes, and the human community is most clearly manifested only where each person builds his life independently. A multifaceted society is one in which a person builds his life based on his personality.

This is our main problem. True, it is as natural for us as living in society. At the same time, society requires individuality from us and immediately restricts it in every way. As a result, the natural right to be oneself is realized only by an insignificant part of people.

Reality stimulates us quite simply. She strikes. By hurting the body, it makes us think. She throws puzzles to which we have no answers. She constantly puts us in situations from which we cannot find a way out. If we do not continue, search for this “way out”, then it will be very easy to slide into a primitive existence.
  Interest in what is happening around us gives rise to a desire to take part in external processes. It takes skill. We require the ability to show certain of their properties. Otherwise, we will be rejected, and no participation will come out.

The desire for ownership leads to the development of skills. They will determine our place in the overall process. The desire to achieve excellence, the desire to take another place among its participants, gives meaning to our actions and deeds. If the process to which we have developed an interest is life around, then in our life a certain meaning appears.
  Our value is not in the body. The bodies in the “life process” need different: beautiful and not very well-fed and not quite. Bodies can be replaced one by another. The body is a cog in the big machine of earthly life. We are not a cog. Each of us is, first of all, individuality. The main value gives us consciousness: consciousness cannot be replaced. Our consciousness, existing in development, in general, is a unique phenomenon.

Interest in life feeds consciousness. Skill development links mind and body together. Developed consciousness allows us to stay young over the years. Our attitude to life remains “young”. Young is always more interesting to live than an old man. He has a lot of interesting things ahead. He still has many interesting meetings with the unknown. The novelty of life develops consciousness. A developing consciousness maintains an interest in life. Only the development of consciousness can give meaning to human life.

Marriage is one of the main institutions in the world. Two people are connected in a marriage knot, form a family and live together for the rest of their lives. Although most people still believe in the concept of marriage and establish a connection with their life partner, there is another breed of people who lead a solitary lifestyle. Of course, their reasons can be varied, their status is the same - unmarried. Some people are left involuntarily, others deliberately choose loneliness as their lifestyle. Next, we try to explore the reasons why people choose to remain alone throughout their lives.

I did not find a suitable person

One of the common reasons why people do not marry or are left alone because they have not met a suitable person for themselves. Either they have too many expectations from a potential partner or were unlucky to meet a guy / girl their time. Whatever the reason, the result is that they are alone. They continue to search for this “ideal” partner, or eventually reconcile themselves that they will never find their soul mate and try to live a happy, lonely life.

Burnt in milk - blowing into the water

There are many people who fall in love and end up hurting themselves. Not everyone in this world understands the meaning of words like loyalty, commitment, and loyalty. Those people who have had the misfortune of meeting an unfaithful partner prefer not to mess with another person, at least in this life. They do not want to put themselves at risk and again break their hearts, prefer to remain alone.

Fear of responsibility

There is another group of people who are afraid of obligations. They do not really like the idea that someone enters their life and takes time, love, care and affection. Such people are too busy with themselves to pay attention to the needs of other people. Such a person prefers to lead a life that revolves around him - their needs and happiness.

Family responsibilities

In some cases, a person is too busy when performing duties in relation to his family. In some cases, responsibilities occupy their young years of life and by the time they are freed from it, it will be too late or too difficult to find a partner. Another scenario is that a person remains faithful to his family and responsibilities throughout his life and continues to live a life where he is surrounded by many friends and family members, but lonely.

Love to be alone

Many people find it difficult to understand the concept of marriage; there are many people who love a lonely life. They saw that there were too many bad relationships and decided that it was better to be alone. They believe that although there are some downsides to being alone, they see more flaws in family life. Thus, they decide to be alone, but always ready for communication.

Too ambitious

There will always be a few people who have been too busy with their careers to live with their wife and children who require attention. Now that the concept of women's liberalization is gaining momentum, there are many women who want to lead a lonely life, because they believe that a career is more important to them. Such people shudder at the thought of losing their dreams that they will have to follow their husband or children. Instead of getting divorced later, they prefer to remain single.

Psychologist Arik Sigmam undertook to calculate the amount of direct communication between people with each other, and published the results of the study in the journal of the British Institute of Biology. It turned out that for twenty years from 1987 to 2007 we lost four hours in communication. Parents, children, spouses, employees, friends, acquaintances (in the study, Sigman asked to even take into account conversations in the elevator with neighbors) - for all of us now it takes two hours a day. Communication is getting smaller. This is bad? Not always. But sometimes loneliness is the meaning of life for most of us.

0 78601

Photo Gallery: Loneliness - the meaning of life for most of us

...But loneliness is more beautiful
There are a number of activities and conditions for which solitude is an indispensable condition. When do we need to be alone with ourselves? First of all, when difficulties arise or an e crisis is brewing: either work is not pleasant, or health is not all right. It would seem, why stay face to face with your problems? After all, others can help, distract. Distract - yes, but you still have to make a decision, and for this you need to think carefully, tune in, concentrate. This is possible only in solitude: to weigh the pros and cons, to deal with emotions, without experiencing the pressure that other people voluntarily and involuntarily exert on us. To realize your own experiences, the morning hours are best suited, for example, when you walk part of the way to work on foot. But in the evening, such self-examination can completely deprive sleep.

Temporary loneliness is the meaning of life for most of usbut sometimes it’s useful when you are very annoyed. It does not matter who caused you this negative feeling. Emotions have the property of being transmitted, as if we infect others with them. In addition, when you are surrounded by people, it is difficult to find peace of mind. You pretend that everything is fine and get even more annoyed. Splash everything out, and a quarrel erupts.
According to statistics, married men live 10 years longer than single men. Women have no such dependence, and most long-lived women have never been married at all. So it turns out that the ladies have different aspects of living together cause very strong emotions that are dangerous to health. And that means that in order to improve the nervous system, we just need to immerse ourselves in loneliness from time to time, or rather, in solitude from a partner, even a very beloved one.

Want to do meditation?   Complete relaxation of the body, rest from thoughts and surrounding reality - you can achieve such a state only by ceasing to control yourself and monitor your behavior. While we are surrounded by other people, it is practically impossible to do this - all the same, we will unconsciously worry: "What do others think of me?" Of course, there are special exercises that allow you to retire without leaving the team. For example, imagine a sliding wall made of thick frosted glass between you and your colleagues. You can mentally close it completely, so that nothing will be heard, and at this time arrange yourself a small relaxation session. But all the same, it is better if the solitude is real: even in 3 minutes of complete rest, you will get a positive charge and relax. And colleagues will not have to wonder why you, blissfully smiling, look at one point.

Finally, a person with limited communicationcapable of great achievements. Loneliness is the strongest incentive for creative energy and self-development. Everyone gets used to loneliness, because loneliness is the meaning of life for most of us. Moreover, both voluntary and forced solitude are useful when, for example, you are in conflict with loved ones. This happens due to blocking needs. You want to talk with someone, laugh, go somewhere or make love, and not with anyone. This causes aggression at first, then offense and, finally, a decrease in mood and some apathy. And then you say to yourself: "That's it. Enough. You have to do something!" - and you begin to look critically at your own behavior, gather your strength to change, and find a way out of this situation. After all, solitude is useful only when you take it consciously, of your own free will, and it has a clear framework, including a temporary one. Otherwise, this state will turn into its other side - loneliness.

Oh loneliness, how your character is cool!
Loneliness - lack of communication and low mood in this regard. And if the separation from people lasts for a long time (so much so that the person himself begins to realize this as a problem), then simply a bad mood will be replaced by melancholy and depression. A lonely person is easy to distinguish even in a crowd: his lips are lowered, wrinkles, a pale complexion and a back slouch are sharper. James Lynch, a specialist in psychosomatic medicine and author of Broken Heart: The Medical Consequences of Loneliness, says that the more lonely a person feels, the less resistant they are to infections, the higher their risk of developing various chronic diseases, including cardiovascular diseases. And even oncological diseases, according to the scientist, are based on emotions associated with loneliness: hopelessness, resentment, guilt.

Not so long ago social psychologists studying problems loneliness, conducted an experiment on mice. Several rodents were placed in individual empty cages and approached them for a month only to give food. Another group of mice led a normal life, communicating with neighbors in the cage, having fun with ladders and other toys. Then all mice were infected with the influenza virus. Of those who lived together, not all were even infected, and the rest recovered quite quickly. But the lonely sufferers hurt very seriously, with complications and several deaths. Conclusion: even mice need someone to be there, rub on the wool in time and squeak something encouraging. What can we say about people!

Do you want to chat? Click here!
Maybe salvation in virtual communication? The world fashion for social networks has come to Europe: 43% of Internet users regularly visit their favorite resources. And it seems strange to talk about loneliness, if you can communicate with anyone, anytime. In fact, only the first 3-4 months a person has satisfaction with such communication, a feeling of fullness of life. Then comes fatigue and some disappointment. Those who started a page just out of interest (to find old friends, see who became who) are not very worried about this. But people who tried to escape this way from loneliness just get worse. On the one hand, there comes an understanding that one has to be content with only a substitute for communication, on the other hand, there is a dependence: there is no other, anyway. In 1995, Randy Conrad, the founder of the first network, did not assume that such a problem could arise: “Networks were supposed to promote social activity, stimulate it. But in reality they often began to replace it.”
Television is also doing everything to save people from loneliness, so far, however, to no avail. Reality shows, communication with the hosts on the air, laughter behind the scenes in the series - all this gives only a momentary sense of presence, interaction. Although we are at the highest level of the animal world, we nevertheless belong entirely to it. So, for harmony with ourselves and nature, virtual communication is not enough for us. No matter how much we click the mouse, it will be bad and lonely for us. We need living people to look into their eyes, feel their intonation, see gestures, feel touch. Therefore, having enjoyed the solitude in full and received all the benefits from it, you must again go out into the world and build relationships with others. Indeed, only in live communication can we feel fully happy.

What to stay "one on one"?
There are things that any of us will help to cope with loneliness or ... enjoy the privacy of long winter evenings. Many live alone. Could loneliness be the meaning of life for most of us? Unfortunately yes. But you can fight it.

Book
You can choose something with an intriguing title like "How to get rid of loneliness in 10 days." But probably the most sensible that was published on this topic in softcover is the good old D. Carnegie's How to Make Friends. It is difficult to argue that we all love, see smiling faces and talk about ourselves. Refresh simple rules of communication. Do not limit yourself to practical guidance and re-read "One Hundred Years of Solitude" by G. Marquez. A book about how each of us, no matter how many people he is surrounded, in the end, is left alone with his life, past and future.

Dvd player
A television that takes hours of our precious life, say decisive no! But you should not refuse a good film. To forget the sorrows of unrequited love will help the romantic drama "Love during Cholera" with the inimitable Javier Bardem. And a touching family comedy like "Marley and Me" will relieve spleen and anxiety: they say that Labradors, including cinematographers, perfectly cheer up. However, you can choose a movie to your taste.

Form for cooking
A shape with a hole in the middle for fragrant charlotte, cozy nests for muffins, funny cookie cutters in the form of hearts and other figures - such a variety of culinary "helpers" literally encourages you to create a rich masterpiece with your own hands. Add spices: vanilla, cinnamon, and after a few hours in your kitchen an incomparable holiday atmosphere will reign. Homemade baking will cheer you up and relieve feelings of longing.